Has anyone dealt with these kinds of thoughts?

Going through the same thing right now myself, except the abuse not having happened.

Alice honey, you're worth it. We love you here. You've survived and came out the other side. A little damaged (nobody can escape such things unscathed), but you're still here and you're willing to live. The pain and fatigue of battling that pain all the time can make you feel like ending it just to get some peace and rest, but it really isn't the answer. You can't let the Darkness win.

You're worth the love, and you can make peace with the Darkness. It's never easy, but it can help you heal.

[Trigger warning: self harm, rape, sexual assault, prostitution, drug use, etc, etc, etc.]

I feel like we're the same person. I've dealt with depression for ten years, now, and it has only gotten worse over the past four years after I became the victim of rape and forced into prositution, where I kept being assaulted.

I had been self harming (13+ hospitalizations, 142 stitches and countless hours in hospital beds while they stopped awful bleeding) since the age of 12, but after my assaults, I started experimenting with drugs and drinking, then got hooked on Oxies. I weened myself off of them all by myself, but still wound up in treatment for my PTSD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse and self harm for 13 months in Utah.

I now have a steady boyfriend and we have sex often. I have to be in a good space to be able to handle it, though. Sometimes, I start flashing back to the assaults and start crying, hitting, screaming, kicking, etc. My boyfriend is so good to me, though. He always gets off of me (or out from under me, depending) and sits across the room and waits until I'm coherent and he asks what I need (usually an Ativan, a big glass of water, and a hot shower, all of which he gets for me).

My advice is to seek out another therapist as soon as possible. I don't think it's acceptable for a therapist to deny you treatment, and I'd suggest you find another therapist quickly to prevent a collapse. If you need a safe space to stay, most major hospitals have psychiatric wards that you can check yourself in and out of.

Be safe, be healthy. If you need anything, let me know.

I wanted to just put it out there that there are a lot of us that have been through similar things. I wasn't raped by my dad, but I was raped. It's something that I don't think I'll ever get over and I don't know of anyone that ever really does. I've been on and off antidepressants for years, for various things. Life is a little better now, but I have my crazy off days/weeks.

You're not insane or crazy or stupid. You've been through serious trauma, whether or not your family wants to acknowledge it.

I can't stress this part enough. If you're with a man that can't completely understand that you've been through a trauma that will always effect you to some degree and it bothers him or he walks away or he thinks it's ruining your relationship, then that man is NOT good enough for you. A real man will try to figure out a way to make it okay somehow, even if that means no sex.

I was lucky enough to find a guy that understands that sometimes things trigger thoughts of my rape and I just can't walk away from that stuff because it hurts a lot.

My inbox is always open if you ever need a friend or just someone to vent to.

Sent you a message in your inbox.

I can't identify with your feelings but I did work in psychiatric nursing for 14 years and I agree with what the above people have said. You can't give up on yourself-it's not your fault for what happened to you. You really need to find another therapist or someone you can talk to. If you need immediate help, hospitals are a safe place until you can clear your head.
Any guy that doesn't understand what you are going through and is willing to stand by you and help it, you don't need him. There are a lot of compassionate guys out there and you will find one soon!
I'm not on here a lot but will be here for you! Hope you feel better soon!!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Alice.

Depression causes you to think there is no hope for life even when there is. It's hard to see it all past the depression, but if you can tell yourself it's there at least once a day, sometimes it starts to sink in. Do little things to make you happy. If you love to dance or something, do that for ten or fifteen minutes a day even if the thought of it sounds like climbing a mountain. You'll feel better and accomplished afterward. Coming from a suicidal depression back to "normal" takes lots of baby steps, it doesn't happen overnight.

For what it's worth, I've attempted suicide (and clearly failed) a number of times. I've been in the hospital twice. The two times I was hospitalized were positive experiences for me because it gave me somewhere to level out and get meds right without the outside world causing more stress on me. Not all hospitals are like that, but many are good places. If you're really feeling like a danger to yourself, it might be a good idea to go to one.

Also? WTF to your therapist. That's why I don't mention substance use to any of mine. I used to be heavy addicted to many things, but now I'm a recreational user of a few things. Meaning about once every few months. I don't feel like being judged on that, so I just don't say anything about it. Best idea? Who knows? Either way, they have NO RIGHT to deny someone who is a potential harm to themselves treatment they need based on drug or alcohol use. Find a better therapist ASAP.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can always message me. My dad didn't rape me (that I'm aware of - I don't remember most of my childhood actually), but did physically and mentally abuse me. My low self esteem that resulted gave a boyfriend ammunition against me to then rape me. Which then gave me flashback problems and PTSD like you're talking about. So I've been there to some degree. I also have Bipolar I, so I'm very familiar with deep, dark depression that can make you feel like the only way out is suicide. Which, of course, it's not.

Ativan is a benzodiazepine, by the way. It's a class of drug that works against anxiety. Ativan, Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, etc. are benzodiazepines. If you're having bad flash backs and panic attacks, you may want to talk to your doctor about adding one of them to your medications. (Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor and can't actually offer medical advice.)

Hang in there, Alice. You've always had lovely, insightful things to say around here. I can tell from your posts you're a great person. Your life is worth saving, even if you can't see that right now.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, Alice.

I can't give advice for something this serious. I have no idea what could help you, except listen to a therapist you trust. Is it possible that your therapist had a point in wanting you to stop drinking and smoking weed? She didn't want it for HER, she wanted it for you.

Maybe it's worth the work. For most people, a little weed or a little alcohol is OK. Other people either don't know when to stop, or get easily upset when they use. I have NO idea if you fall into either of these categories, but do you think it's worth a try to eliminate them from your life for a while to see?

I have learned, from therapy and life lessons that not every "flashback" we have is based on real life. Before you accuse anyone of something this horrible, make sure you have GOOD therapeutic support. When you are down, you know, you can't always trust your own instincts. Plus if it DID happen, you will need the support of a good therapist to get through it. I know that for sure.

Please, honey, go back to your therapist. You NEED the support, the professional support of someone who can see these things objectively.

Good health to you.

Oh Alice,

I'm in tears right now reading your post. I'm so sorry you hurt so much. I understand to a degree what you are going through. I was sexually abused by my grandfather. But I'm one of the people who deal with it rather well. I still have my moments, but I manage without therapy or medications. (But it sounds like you really need yours.) My hubby is very understanding. And helps me out when I have these moments. Prior to that, I was suicidal, but one day I woke up and realized I wanted to LIVE life to the fullest.

I do get flashbacks and have moments were I feel unloved and unappreciated. However, I KNOW this isn't true. My husband, family, and children love and need me so very much. And I'm sure your family feels the same way.

You are an amazing women. You are totally worth everything. I love you . I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. Good friends are really hard to find, but I promise you have a good friend right here.