Has anyone dealt with these kinds of thoughts?

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Has anyone dealt with these kinds of thoughts?

aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
how have some of you dealt with this? i've dealt with it my entire life, but this week it's worse. i'm on anti-depressants, have seen many therapists, recently was kicked out of therapy because i refused to not drink or smoke weed at all.

these troubles run deep and stem back to childhood physical and psychological abuse by my father, culminating in a fairly recent development which is continuously showing to me that it's very possible i was sexually assaulted by my father as well as a child.

i really don't know what to do.



a recent relationship culminated in an argument where he asked 'why does everything have to be about your dad?'

he'd jokingly called me stupid, and i told him not to, ever. my father called me that and i don't like it.


he and i tried to have sex when i was high and kinda drunk last week, it ended in me having the usual flashback - he became my father, and he was raping me. i curled into a ball and absolutely sobbed. this ruins relationships, and has been better at points in my life but right now... fuck!


it's hard too here in america (i was in italy a couple years ago, for a year, and it was an incredibly challenging but rewarding experience) where good friends are SO hard to find. nobody's there when i need them. i have my little sister who i can talk to about what happened with my dad, but even she doesn't want to hear it sometimes - it's too hard. my older sister is in complete denial.


i just feel constantly this reverberation, this broken record that i am unlovable. it is impossible to love me.
and this constant desperate search for and desire to be loved, mainly by a man.


god it's so stereotypical. and i can realize all this, and realize that the truth is i'm a very interesting individual, talented, blah blah. but i'm such a seesaw. i go so back and forth. i feel fucking crazy sometimes.

i am able to feel full of love at times, though it was more prominent when i was out of the country (and far away from my dad), i am able to feel on top of the world. and i'm also able to daydream all these creative ways to kill myself at any given moment.


my antidepressants help alot, but i still feel like absolute shit.


any kind of advice sent this way, folks. totally appreciated.
05/28/2012
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
Going through the same thing right now myself, except the abuse not having happened.

Alice honey, you're worth it. We love you here. You've survived and came out the other side. A little damaged (nobody can escape such things unscathed), but you're still here and you're willing to live. The pain and fatigue of battling that pain all the time can make you feel like ending it just to get some peace and rest, but it really isn't the answer. You can't let the Darkness win.

You're worth the love, and you can make peace with the Darkness. It's never easy, but it can help you heal.
05/28/2012
Sex Positivity Sex Positivity
[Trigger warning: self harm, rape, sexual assault, prostitution, drug use, etc, etc, etc.]

I feel like we're the same person. I've dealt with depression for ten years, now, and it has only gotten worse over the past four years after I became the victim of rape and forced into prositution, where I kept being assaulted.

I had been self harming (13+ hospitalizations, 142 stitches and countless hours in hospital beds while they stopped awful bleeding) since the age of 12, but after my assaults, I started experimenting with drugs and drinking, then got hooked on Oxies. I weened myself off of them all by myself, but still wound up in treatment for my PTSD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse and self harm for 13 months in Utah.

I now have a steady boyfriend and we have sex often. I have to be in a good space to be able to handle it, though. Sometimes, I start flashing back to the assaults and start crying, hitting, screaming, kicking, etc. My boyfriend is so good to me, though. He always gets off of me (or out from under me, depending) and sits across the room and waits until I'm coherent and he asks what I need (usually an Ativan, a big glass of water, and a hot shower, all of which he gets for me).

My advice is to seek out another therapist as soon as possible. I don't think it's acceptable for a therapist to deny you treatment, and I'd suggest you find another therapist quickly to prevent a collapse. If you need a safe space to stay, most major hospitals have psychiatric wards that you can check yourself in and out of.

Be safe, be healthy. If you need anything, let me know.
05/28/2012
PassionateLover2 PassionateLover2
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
how have some of you dealt with this? i've dealt with it my entire life, but this week it's worse. i'm on anti-depressants, have seen many therapists, recently was kicked out of therapy because i refused to not drink or smoke weed at ...
I just read you thread and I am truly overwhelmed by the courage you have shown to open up to your many friends here at EF for input and feedback. Since I have never experience these kind of feelings, I would like to take some time to reflect.

As my former Mentor and someone who I hold in high esteem and respect, I would like to put a male perspective to your concerns as I may see it. I do agree with 'Sex Positivity', "My advice is to seek out another therapist as soon as possible. I don't think it's acceptable for a therapist to deny you treatment, and I'd suggest you find another therapist quickly to prevent a collapse."

I know there are a lot of contributors around here who love you (as I do) and are willing to offer any advice which you seek.
05/29/2012
Allison.Wilder Allison.Wilder
I wanted to just put it out there that there are a lot of us that have been through similar things. I wasn't raped by my dad, but I was raped. It's something that I don't think I'll ever get over and I don't know of anyone that ever really does. I've been on and off antidepressants for years, for various things. Life is a little better now, but I have my crazy off days/weeks.

You're not insane or crazy or stupid. You've been through serious trauma, whether or not your family wants to acknowledge it.

I can't stress this part enough. If you're with a man that can't completely understand that you've been through a trauma that will always effect you to some degree and it bothers him or he walks away or he thinks it's ruining your relationship, then that man is NOT good enough for you. A real man will try to figure out a way to make it okay somehow, even if that means no sex.

I was lucky enough to find a guy that understands that sometimes things trigger thoughts of my rape and I just can't walk away from that stuff because it hurts a lot.

My inbox is always open if you ever need a friend or just someone to vent to.
05/29/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Allison.Wilder
I wanted to just put it out there that there are a lot of us that have been through similar things. I wasn't raped by my dad, but I was raped. It's something that I don't think I'll ever get over and I don't know of anyone that ...
sigh.
your words really ring true and hit me in a deep place. i know there deep down is nothing 'wrong' with me for having these feelings, but god it feels like it sometimes. and if i'm not with someone who supports me 100% throughout that, i'm not with someone who truly cares for me the way i need to be cared for.

thank you for your support.
05/29/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Going through the same thing right now myself, except the abuse not having happened.

Alice honey, you're worth it. We love you here. You've survived and came out the other side. A little damaged (nobody can escape such things ...
oh chilipepper. i'm sorry you're dealing with the same darkness.

"You can't let the Darkness win. "

that's a new way of thinking about it, to me.

if i give up, it's like letting him win. i just hate him so much sometimes. it's hard to have all that hate inside you as well. while still TRYING to be a good person.

thank you for your support and willingness to share with me. i really appreciate you being here for me. i know this isn't easy to talk about for any of us, at all, so the fact that you put yourself out there for me means alot.
05/29/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Sex Positivity
[Trigger warning: self harm, rape, sexual assault, prostitution, drug use, etc, etc, etc.]

I feel like we're the same person. I've dealt with depression for ten years, now, and it has only gotten worse over the past four years after I ...
first, i really appreciate you opening up here and opening up to me.

secondly, just hearing that someone else has felt the same things as me makes me feel better. less crazy, for one thing.

i am so sorry to hear of the horrors you've been through. i know you must be a stronger person now, and commend you for your triumphs.

the fact that you're with someone who sees you through your flashbacks in sexual settings also brings me hope.

what is Ativan?


i'd like to see a therapist again. i'm seriously considering going back to the one i was with before moving to therapy with the Bluegrass Rape Crisis Center, who i worked with for several months before they dropped me. no referral, no nothing. just a 'sorry, our policy is no drugs or alcohol during treatment, so you're done.'

really. at a rape crisis center! my therapist kept telling me throughout sessions that she'd been doing this for 20+ years and i should consider that proof that she knew what she was doing.


i still feel like they handled it all wrong.



as far as a psychiatric ward, i don't think i could ever do that. i'd probably just go ahead and off myself before checking myself into a place like that. fear, guilt, and shame would prevent me from doing that. but you're right, it probably would be the right thing.

i really do appreciate your kind words. i may just hit you up on PM one night. thank you again.
05/29/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by PassionateLover2
I just read you thread and I am truly overwhelmed by the courage you have shown to open up to your many friends here at EF for input and feedback. Since I have never experience these kind of feelings, I would like to take some time to reflect. ...
dear PL,
it wasn't so much courage as desperation and trust together. i know i can trust you guys to give good advice and be supportive and nonjudgmental, i've seen it with others with similar issues, and have seen it when i've asked for help in the past as well.

i've just found my old therapist's number and will call her tomorrow. thank you for your encouragement.
05/29/2012
PeaceToTheMiddleEast PeaceToTheMiddleEast
Sent you a message in your inbox.
05/29/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
oh chilipepper. i'm sorry you're dealing with the same darkness.

"You can't let the Darkness win. "

that's a new way of thinking about it, to me.

if i give up, it's like letting him win. i just hate ...
*hugs*
05/29/2012
Mamastoys Mamastoys
I can't identify with your feelings but I did work in psychiatric nursing for 14 years and I agree with what the above people have said. You can't give up on yourself-it's not your fault for what happened to you. You really need to find another therapist or someone you can talk to. If you need immediate help, hospitals are a safe place until you can clear your head.
Any guy that doesn't understand what you are going through and is willing to stand by you and help it, you don't need him. There are a lot of compassionate guys out there and you will find one soon!
I'm not on here a lot but will be here for you! Hope you feel better soon!!
05/29/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Alice.

Depression causes you to think there is no hope for life even when there is. It's hard to see it all past the depression, but if you can tell yourself it's there at least once a day, sometimes it starts to sink in. Do little things to make you happy. If you love to dance or something, do that for ten or fifteen minutes a day even if the thought of it sounds like climbing a mountain. You'll feel better and accomplished afterward. Coming from a suicidal depression back to "normal" takes lots of baby steps, it doesn't happen overnight.

For what it's worth, I've attempted suicide (and clearly failed) a number of times. I've been in the hospital twice. The two times I was hospitalized were positive experiences for me because it gave me somewhere to level out and get meds right without the outside world causing more stress on me. Not all hospitals are like that, but many are good places. If you're really feeling like a danger to yourself, it might be a good idea to go to one.

Also? WTF to your therapist. That's why I don't mention substance use to any of mine. I used to be heavy addicted to many things, but now I'm a recreational user of a few things. Meaning about once every few months. I don't feel like being judged on that, so I just don't say anything about it. Best idea? Who knows? Either way, they have NO RIGHT to deny someone who is a potential harm to themselves treatment they need based on drug or alcohol use. Find a better therapist ASAP.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can always message me. My dad didn't rape me (that I'm aware of - I don't remember most of my childhood actually), but did physically and mentally abuse me. My low self esteem that resulted gave a boyfriend ammunition against me to then rape me. Which then gave me flashback problems and PTSD like you're talking about. So I've been there to some degree. I also have Bipolar I, so I'm very familiar with deep, dark depression that can make you feel like the only way out is suicide. Which, of course, it's not.

Ativan is a benzodiazepine, by the way. It's a class of drug that works against anxiety. Ativan, Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, etc. are benzodiazepines. If you're having bad flash backs and panic attacks, you may want to talk to your doctor about adding one of them to your medications. (Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor and can't actually offer medical advice.)

Hang in there, Alice. You've always had lovely, insightful things to say around here. I can tell from your posts you're a great person. Your life is worth saving, even if you can't see that right now.
05/29/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I'm sorry you're hurting so much, Alice.

I can't give advice for something this serious. I have no idea what could help you, except listen to a therapist you trust. Is it possible that your therapist had a point in wanting you to stop drinking and smoking weed? She didn't want it for HER, she wanted it for you.

Maybe it's worth the work. For most people, a little weed or a little alcohol is OK. Other people either don't know when to stop, or get easily upset when they use. I have NO idea if you fall into either of these categories, but do you think it's worth a try to eliminate them from your life for a while to see?

I have learned, from therapy and life lessons that not every "flashback" we have is based on real life. Before you accuse anyone of something this horrible, make sure you have GOOD therapeutic support. When you are down, you know, you can't always trust your own instincts. Plus if it DID happen, you will need the support of a good therapist to get through it. I know that for sure.

Please, honey, go back to your therapist. You NEED the support, the professional support of someone who can see these things objectively.

Good health to you.
05/29/2012
Rod Ronald Rod Ronald
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
how have some of you dealt with this? i've dealt with it my entire life, but this week it's worse. i'm on anti-depressants, have seen many therapists, recently was kicked out of therapy because i refused to not drink or smoke weed at ...
I saw the title in the forum list and instantly started to tear up before I even read word one. This is a serious issue and you really need to talk to someone close to you right away. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you and remember this, you have a long life ahead of you, this is only the starting line. I once was in your shoes, and I choose the wrong path. If it wasnt for dumb luck I would be dead today. However, I lived and now carry a "Ghost" congi on my neck as a reminder of what i did ten years ago. After that day I left and started to travel all over the US. My whole life changed simply because I decided to stop wanting to die and simply live everyday to the fullest. You must do the same and know that there are people who dont even know you, never meet you, who still care about you and do not want to see you do anything foolish. Just remember there is a whole community here for you and you are a part of that 100%. If things look dark, just call out to any of us and we will talk. Don't hesitate, Your not alone.
05/29/2012
Beck Beck
Oh Alice,

I'm in tears right now reading your post. I'm so sorry you hurt so much. I understand to a degree what you are going through. I was sexually abused by my grandfather. But I'm one of the people who deal with it rather well. I still have my moments, but I manage without therapy or medications. (But it sounds like you really need yours.) My hubby is very understanding. And helps me out when I have these moments. Prior to that, I was suicidal, but one day I woke up and realized I wanted to LIVE life to the fullest.

I do get flashbacks and have moments were I feel unloved and unappreciated. However, I KNOW this isn't true. My husband, family, and children love and need me so very much. And I'm sure your family feels the same way.

You are an amazing women. You are totally worth everything. I love you . I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. Good friends are really hard to find, but I promise you have a good friend right here.
05/29/2012
Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
oh chilipepper. i'm sorry you're dealing with the same darkness.

"You can't let the Darkness win. "

that's a new way of thinking about it, to me.

if i give up, it's like letting him win. i just hate ...
"if i give up, it's like letting him win. i just hate him so much sometimes. it's hard to have all that hate inside you as well. while still TRYING to be a good person. "

I so know this feeling right here. I have often wanted to off myself because of the hatred my grandfather forced into myself. Or even go after him. Neither one of these will do anything for anyone except for spread more hate.

Be strong! Be you! And try your best to become more than a victim. You are so much more sweetie. You're adorable, funny, sweet, kind, loving, and full of life. Being a victim has consumed your thoughts and surrounded you with darkness, when you should be surrounded with sunshine and rainbows (dancing unicorns too!)

Your therapist might have been right about the whole not drinking thing. I'm not sure weed makes a difference and I would throw a shit fit if I was told not to smoke weed, but drinking is often a trigger for a lot of people.

****Trigger warning for some.
I have an uncle who shot his sister when he was a preteen on accident. She was in serious condition because he shot her in the neck. Well, she did pull through, but it mentally caused him a lot of issues still to this day. He is in and out of prison and can't stay off the alcohol or meth. Because both of them numb his pain. When he is drinking and he has his freak out moments he becomes psychotic and pulls knives out of people including a his girl friend and new born child.

You might want to think about giving up alcohol and/or marijuana and seeing if you do feel better. It could be contributing to bringing you down.

I hope you start feeling better. Sending you sunshine and rainbows!!
05/29/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by PeaceToTheMiddleEast
Sent you a message in your inbox.
thank you. i responded to it.
05/29/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Mamastoys
I can't identify with your feelings but I did work in psychiatric nursing for 14 years and I agree with what the above people have said. You can't give up on yourself-it's not your fault for what happened to you. You really need to find ...
yes, i'm getting help. i plan to call my old therapist tomorrow.

thank you for your advice and support.
05/29/2012
WICKA WICKA
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
how have some of you dealt with this? i've dealt with it my entire life, but this week it's worse. i'm on anti-depressants, have seen many therapists, recently was kicked out of therapy because i refused to not drink or smoke weed at ...
Sad to hear what you were going thru. But hey .. cheer up. Good news is .. you are never alone in this kind of situation. Most if not all are in same hot water and maybe even worst . But oh well... it's the wil power to get thru all of theses mess that counts. So stay focused and think positive no matter what.
05/29/2012
Total posts: 20
Unique posters: 12