What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Personally, I am my own worst judge, but there are things I would do differently if I knew no one would judge me. However, I have gotten better over the years about not letting things like this affect my actions unless there are ramifications for me that I care about affecting how I am treated.

So, for example, I straighten-up the house and hide the sex toys before the exterminator arrives because he treats other family members' houses and I don't want gossip that I'm a slob or that I have sex toys all over. Even worse would be for a stranger repairman to see the toys out and perhaps make judgments that could put me at risk since I live alone. For both cases I don't really care how I am judged, except in that it could cause me grief. Sure, these are simplistic examples, but I don't feel like getting into anything else right now. I also would rather see what others have to say without influencing their answers.

I look forward to seeing some of these answers!
07/26/2013
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Ansley Ansley
Straight up, no holds barred truth? I don't know what it's like to NOT be judged. It seems to be everyone's favorite past-time.
07/26/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Straight up, no holds barred truth? I don't know what it's like to NOT be judged. It seems to be everyone's favorite past-time.
Of course, everyone makes judgments all day long, it's the only way to live with other people in a society. But, I sense you're referring to hurtful, uncalled for judgments in particular, no? I don't necessarily mean judgment as the pejorative that it's commonly taken for these days, although I do include that aspect of it. I think people today just refer to it as judging when in fact they specifically mean judging harshly, negatively, or without the actual facts.

I am curious about how this affects people's behavior, by seeing what they would do if freed from all judgment. I have no doubt that at least some of everyone's behavior is affected by concern for how they will be judged. For example, I don't go over to my neighbors' house right now and slap the heck out of their screaming, spoiled, hateful, little shit of a child. I don't want jail time, plus I don't want to deal with the judgments people will make about me based on my action.

I'd like to know if there's something that you really want to do, that you would except for the fear of being judged about it. I can imagine from the sex standpoint that many people refrain from doing something because they don't want to face the judgment they expect. I have know a few different gay friends who didn't ask out a friend they were interested in because they were unsure of the reaction they would get and feared losing the friendship they already had with the person. For sure, some men don't ask their partners for anal sexploration because of different fears of judgment, such as being judged as 'secretly gay' and so on.

So, anybody think of something they would do? Would you try stripping? Would you have sex with someone significantly younger or older than you who you otherwise wouldn't only because of people judging you? Those are just some examples to help you think of ideas, but it can be anything.
07/26/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
Of course, everyone makes judgments all day long, it's the only way to live with other people in a society. But, I sense you're referring to hurtful, uncalled for judgments in particular, no? I don't necessarily mean judgment as the ... More
I've always tried to take the position that we judge based on the flight or fight response we possess. You judge people to figure out whether or not you can trust them but I think when it comes to things like what you would do in the bedroom or if you would strip or become a porn star...that's no one's business in the first place and the response to that should be "and you know I am doing this because how?" Meaning, I certainly wouldn't be blabbing it all over the place and they'd have to be in the same "darkness" as me in order to find it. Therefore, they have no reason to judge me in the first place.

I live my life they way I want to and I always have and there isn't anything that makes me stop and go "hmmm what would so and so think if I did this", I've just never really been that way, so maybe the question doesn't apply to me in general?
07/28/2013
TransMarc TransMarc
I'd enter men's rooms and pee at the urinals.
I'd go to a gym to do strength training.
I'd go to an the big, beautiful orthodox shul of my city or the Chabad to take the classes, because I'm curious but from a secular background and maybe not the kind of person they want here... Maybe Chabad would be more open, but it's scary.
That's all I can say that I'm sure nobody will judge here.
07/28/2013
C&K0143 C&K0143
This is a more philosophical question than I think might be realized at first. I think the concept of a lack of judgement would break down like this:
If there is no judgement whatsoever, then there is no consequence.
If there is no consequence, then there is no meaning to actions.
If there is no meaning to actions, then actions cease since action is only taken to achieve an end.

I can honestly say that I would want no part in a such a reality, if it can even be called that. - C
07/28/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I've always tried to take the position that we judge based on the flight or fight response we possess. You judge people to figure out whether or not you can trust them but I think when it comes to things like what you would do in the bedroom or ... More
I think it applies to you only in that you happen not to be stopped from doing anything you really want to do just because of a fear of being judged. And to me, that is a great outlook to have! I agree with all of what you said & about what shouldn't be judged which makes perfect sense. I love the fight or flight instinct position - it really makes sense! I wish I thought of specifying that in my topic, but maybe some will fully read your comment and see this more clearly and gain valuable perspective.

It's just that I know you are unusual in this; there have to be some people who don't do things because of the judgment of others. I know someone who won't leave a dead marriage because the other spouse requires care as they are very disabled from an accident. The person doesn't want to be the bad guy in everyone's eyes by leaving. That's just another example. But, I don't think everyone has to have any examples, just that many will and I was curious.

I am glad it has started interesting conversation though, which is the whole goal of the topic, no matter what direction it takes.
07/29/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by C&K0143
This is a more philosophical question than I think might be realized at first. I think the concept of a lack of judgement would break down like this:
If there is no judgement whatsoever, then there is no consequence.
If there is no consequence, ... More
I'm not talking about a reality with no judgement, only what someone wants to do that they don't because they don't want to be judged. But, I appreciate the deeper look at it. I, however am not enough of a deep thinker to debate with you about what you said. But, it is interesting, thanks. I would like to see some other, more philosophical members discuss it with you!

In the meantime, is there nothing you want to do that you don't because you don't want to be judged? (As with Stormy, there doesn't necessarily have to be.)
07/29/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
I think it applies to you only in that you happen not to be stopped from doing anything you really want to do just because of a fear of being judged. And to me, that is a great outlook to have! I agree with all of what you said & about what ... More
Upon further introspection, I guess I wasn't being totally forthright. I don't do things that embarrass my husband for fear he will be judged. I don't know...I think sometimes the expectations for human beings to "behave" (as it were) are way too high and in other cases not high enough. It's quite the paradox if I allow myself to go down the rabbit hole. Perhaps I should have stated that what other people think of me is none of my business? If they choose to slot me as lower than than them in life because of something I've done, they're the ones with the problem. There are people running around in this life doing things that are far worse than anything I could even contemplate doing. (Does this sound self-righteous? I swear I really don't give it that much thought. I'm just me and you can take me or leave me. It simplifies things in life.)
07/29/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Upon further introspection, I guess I wasn't being totally forthright. I don't do things that embarrass my husband for fear he will be judged. I don't know...I think sometimes the expectations for human beings to "behave" (as it ... More
I don't think that sounds the least bit self-righteous. You are merely pointing out the idiocy of the whole thing and there is no rhyme or reason to how people are judged, by whom and for what. As you say, there are so many worse things others do, why would anyone care to bother with you? But someone always has us under a microscope. And the more someone veers from the herd, the more they invest in trying to control &/or punish that person. I think everyone at some point in their lives has said, "What the hell do they care? What business is it of their's? Why can't I do whatever I want?" When actually, you can, you just have to expect there will sometimes be that type of fallout and know yourself well enough to know if you can blow it off.

Matter of fact, your attitude is probably the healthiest attitude to take. You realize you can prevent some things, but not all. But, rather than fuel the fire, as some do in an "Ah screw it! They want to see bad, I'll give them bad!" type attitude, you live by your own code and that's the best any person can do. You have chosen to alter your behavior if need be, to support your partner. But in general, you are choosing your battles and ignoring the rest. Agreed, it simplifies things tremendously. Nobody can please everyone, nor should they try. Please yourself and anyone else whose opinions you value.
07/29/2013
js250 js250
Before my car accident I was training for a 250 mile enduro race on my dirtbike...I would have tried it and not worried so much about coming in less than the top three. I judged myself more than I was judged on that one. Now I cannot race anymore due to the vertigo on the starting gate.

Today--I would like to open an educational and fun adult store in my hometown. Unfortunately, it is a very rural and judgmental area and I would get picketed, threatened and possibly harmed physically by some of the other people that live here.
07/31/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
I don't think that sounds the least bit self-righteous. You are merely pointing out the idiocy of the whole thing and there is no rhyme or reason to how people are judged, by whom and for what. As you say, there are so many worse things others ... More
Thanks! Can't say it's always been easy, but no one ever said life was fair!
07/31/2013
stacylyn12 stacylyn12
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Straight up, no holds barred truth? I don't know what it's like to NOT be judged. It seems to be everyone's favorite past-time.
I agree
07/31/2013
KyotoAngel KyotoAngel
Quite frankly, I'd actually dress how I wanted to instead of tucking my inner fashionista deep down in the recesses of my soul...being overweight the way I am, I tend to get a lot of nasty looks and half-hidden snickers/random rude comments.

It always makes me really, really self conscious to the point of having some of the worst panic attacks of my life, so I usually dress in modest, baggy clothing to try and 'blend in' so to speak. The less people notice me, the better.
08/01/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by KyotoAngel
Quite frankly, I'd actually dress how I wanted to instead of tucking my inner fashionista deep down in the recesses of my soul...being overweight the way I am, I tend to get a lot of nasty looks and half-hidden snickers/random rude ... More
That is a real shame, but I can certainly understand it. I didn't even think about it, but it definitely is something I struggle with and have made some headway on. I am overweight, too, but even when I wasn't, I always have been horribly self-conscious about my body (I have body dysmorphia). Recently, I have been wearing more revealing tops and guess what, no one has looked at me funny, or said anything about it - even with my gross arms showing and my obvious gut!

BUT, I have had lots of comments from people, same way you describe, so I know. For some reason, everyone feels they have the right to comment to me about my looks whereas they don't to other people! If I have a blemish, it gets pointed out, even by people with bigger problems than I, if you know what I mean. Why they want to knock me down, I don't know.

I'm looking at your avatar & can see you are very pretty. It makes me wonder if some of the comments are actually about that? I used to think everyone was speaking negatively when they would be obviously talking about me to whomever was with them. I have learned (from others around me) that most of the time people were commenting on me looking like someone, or that I looked pretty, something like that. If I hadn't overheard some of these comments, I wouldn't have believed it. Now, I know all the reasons not to worry about it, but I can't help it, even knowing better. If I had panic attacks, I'd do anything to avoid them, so what you do is understandable. I often choose to dress a certain way and not wear makeup in an effort to pass unnoticed when I just don't want to deal with the stares/comments. I bet I know exactly how you dress to unimpress, because I do the same thing! (Just not as often anymore.)
08/01/2013
SexyPenis SexyPenis
I would lie, cheat, and steal, murder and rape, if I knew nobody would judge me, including myself. Would I be active in volunteering if I didn't feel the need to judge myself a good person? Would I try so hard to be honest? Another way to put it, anonymity (when judgments cannot be traced to an individual) has costs, as the high numbers of "trolls" and flaming comments on the internet show.

Even as we discuss not judging, we are making judgments, at the very least judging what a reaction would be, down to explicit judgments of others such as "far worse than.." or "bigger problems than..." Judging is inherent in human nature, it's a response based on prior experience ("Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"). For instance, stereotypes are concentrated judgments based on perceived social experience, which is why it's so hard to break them: they are assumed to be statistically high, so you need a lot of quantity or a few high quality cases to override them.

I found the book Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely to be very interesting and pertinent to this discussion. He empirically tests that almost everyone cheats given the opportunity, but we only cheat a little bit before our internal judgment mechanisms kick in. "The true measure of a person's character is what he or she will do when they know they won't be caught" is another flavor of this question, in my opinion. I think we all like to think of ourselves as honest and good, and based on these findings, for the most part, most people are, but I think Ariely's findings are right that we will cheat a little if we know we won't be caught (or judged). For example, would you really fight to get back to the counter of a crowded store if you got extra change? As an aside, his treatment of the high cost of free is also very thought provoking in light of Eden's point and review system.

I think only the completely ignorant or thoughtless can be truly "non-judgmental." We are always making judgments, whether or not we express them, and being accepting is simply judging a person's worth based on their biological status as a human being or some other universal status above their identification with a particular group that may not be in favor with others. You can love a thief but you probably should not trust them with your car, which is a form of judgment. I try to be accepting of others but being non-judgmental is a false goal.

Of course, this may be simply my personal definition of each of the terms. Let me know what you all think, I hope I didn't cram too much into one post.
08/02/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by SexyPenis
I would lie, cheat, and steal, murder and rape, if I knew nobody would judge me, including myself. Would I be active in volunteering if I didn't feel the need to judge myself a good person? Would I try so hard to be honest? Another way to put ... More
I loved your post! I actually read all the comments to my discussions, even the long ones, lol! I found your's very interesting and have nothing to argue with about it. I am delighted to have such good responses to topics! But, as much as I like and find your comment interesting, I do want to mention, I'm was just asking about one thing people would do, not a life without any judgments. I have no problem with the discussion going in different directions, I just wanted to mention that some answers depend on how people interpreted the topic. Your comment here and a few by GDom have stood out to me, along with a few others, as pithy and enlightening. I hope you consider posting your own topics because I am running out of ideas after a months long run, lol! Seriously, I would be interested to see what you come up with!

The idea behind my question was more to see what people hold back from doing in their life, something they really want to do, but don't because of the fear of judgement. I think that can be so built up in someone's head that they have unwittingly placed the limits on themselves since the judgement may not really be as they expected. I guess a good follow-up question would be what have they regretted more, not doing something or doing something? I guess I'll go ask that now, lol!
08/02/2013
SexyPenis SexyPenis
Now you can all judge me as crass and pedantic. Normally I think I hide it better but the anonymity of the internet allows me to speak my mind and not face the consequences. Judgments are made but they don't reach "me," in any long term capacity, just my avatar in this case.

I am not sure a consideration of this fundamental aspect of humanity's ability to learn and its positive as well as negative consequences was the intent of the original post but I went there anyway. So apparently this is a pretty good test case because "in real life" I'm fairly soft spoken, accepting, and reserved, whereas on Eden I can be potentially...insensit ive? Inconsiderate? Most times I raise an objection to someone in person I regret it, but here speaking frankly is not as likely to hurt me, and I don't feel as bound by social obligations.

As for the original intent of the discussion, one thing I would do is wear the same clothes for multiple days in a row. Honestly, I think it's very wasteful to wash clothes after just wearing them once but I don't want people to think I'm a hobo. Then again, there are people who push personal hygiene issues past my own thresholds so I can definitely understand why it is a concern for other people. Maybe just go naked more often? Of course there are people who I wouldn't really want to see naked, too, and there are LOTS of hygiene concerns with that. I guess it's very difficult for me to consider things outside of absolutes because if I were omnipotent, I wouldn't want to be unfair, even though life is.
08/02/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by SexyPenis
Now you can all judge me as crass and pedantic. Normally I think I hide it better but the anonymity of the internet allows me to speak my mind and not face the consequences. Judgments are made but they don't reach "me," in any long ... More
Hey, I'm glad you went where you did with the topic, that is half the fun - seeing where things lead, as long as the discussion continues. I figure as long as anyone wants to answer, I want them to. That's the only reason I mentioned the original intent of the discussion because, if anyone still wants to answer in that light, then they will feel it's okay not to necessarily follow the tangents that appear. That said I want any tangent that applies and is interesting.

I find it pretty funny that your online persona here is a good example of the difference in your behavior when no faced directly with the same consequences (judgments) for your comments, lol! I didn't find anything crass or pedantic about your comments here, but I haven't read all your posts, yet, so give me time!

You know, I don't post topics that are too deep because they just tend to be non-starters on here, but when approached like I did this one, there is room for deeper interpretation and discussion if people want and the choice to keep it light or not, is what keeps people answering, imo. I know I've seen some excellent topics from js250, for example, that just didn't get the replies. Personally, I didn't answer them because I didn't want to have to think that hard and long to write an answer that would do the topic justice.

Please, think about starting some discussions, I would like to see what your come up with!

BTW, I agree about the clothes thing! I figure if you don't get sweaty or stinky in them, you don't have to wash them. I guess it also has to do with how long you have been wearing them, too. I will wear something for just a few hours and if it's still clean, I am not going to wash it! I will wear it again later. But, that's not something I will announce to others in real life, lol! I was chuckling while reading your ideas on the subject. I think it's a good example!
08/02/2013
wicked48 wicked48
I would have been more sexually active when I was younger.
08/02/2013
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by wicked48
I would have been more sexually active when I was younger.
Amen to that!!!!
08/03/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
Amen to that!!!!
The grass is always greener...I was very active and I wish to a certain degree I hadn't been.
08/05/2013
KyotoAngel KyotoAngel
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
That is a real shame, but I can certainly understand it. I didn't even think about it, but it definitely is something I struggle with and have made some headway on. I am overweight, too, but even when I wasn't, I always have been horribly ... More
I'm sure some very well could be, but the one's I've actually heard are all pretty mean.
About eight years ago, my mom was babysitting one of my cousins and told me to go wait by this little park near our house so she could pick me up since she was going to be a while.
So I'm just standing there, waiting, when all of a sudden a group of teenagers walk by and one of the girls (probably around my age at the time) says "I thought they freed Willy." while making it unmistakably obvious she was talking about me.

Then just a few months ago I had a day when I was feeling pretty good about myself so I put on my favorite jeans, a cute babydoll style top, and my black and white pinstripe fedora and go out shopping...as I was browsing the aisles of the store (Dollar Tree, to be specific), I over heard the comments, "Trick or Treat" and "Who does she think she is? ...Lady Gaga?".
Honestly, neither me or my mother thought my outfit warranted either comment. I spent the rest of our afternoon out waiting in the van while she went into the stores.

I'm thinking most of the people that say things like that, I really ought to take pity on though...it seems their parents might have skipped the bit about manners.
08/14/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by KyotoAngel
I'm sure some very well could be, but the one's I've actually heard are all pretty mean.
About eight years ago, my mom was babysitting one of my cousins and told me to go wait by this little park near our house so she could pick me up ... More
I'm so sorry they made those comments about you/your outfit. That's just downright rude. We love you just the way you are! (You have a shining personality!)

I often wonder what goes wrong with these people...the other day, we were at the grocery store and this lady let her shopping cart go while in the parking lot. It hit the cart return then slid under one of the rails just a bit, but it was on the opposite side of where the carts actually go into the corral.

I just looked at her and before I could stop myself I said "Really?!", in what was quite possibly the bitchiest tone I could muster at the time.

I guess she's not used to being called out for her douchebaggery (it would have taken all of fifteen steps to put the cart away properly) and she snapped back to tell me to mind my own business then proceeded to rip me apart from my hair to the flip-flops I was wearing.

Granted, she was at least two decades older than I and we are in the South so it was probably more of a "respect your elders" thing than being chastised in general. *shrugs* I just don't believe in letting those things slide. (Hopefully, it won't get me killed one day.)
08/14/2013
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Unique posters: 9