Thank you all. *hugs*
just a brief update: He's being selfish, and though still wants to be friends, is being an asshole towards me because he feels 'resentment' towards me for dragging him on with my emotional problems for 4 years. He knew i tried, i was seeing a therapist for almost 2 years, fought depression, anxiety, and even bit the bullet and went on benzos and have been trying to fight all this tooth and nail. I get upset, i say things I don't mean, but apparently it was grounds for him to 'do something nice for himself to be happy' and leave me.
I can understand wanting to move on in your life if you feel someone is not one you can deal with due to whatever reasons, but doing it behind the person's back instead of manning up and saying I don't think it's going to work, let's see other people, hurts hell of a lot worse. So him telling me he didn't want to hurt me is bullshit.
I can't trust him and his dishonesty, my friend sent me a chat log of her and him talking, how he was so happy he made the decision to leave me and be with this other girl, to hell with me, etc. So yeah, i got mad, showed it to all our mutual friends, and let's just saying, people are removing him left and right from their lists and refuse to talk to him. I left a big fuck you on his profile page and he texted me in anger while I was out having dinner with family (which I didn't get to enjoy) and then a few hours later we argued over the phone for almost an hour. I kept breaking down his bullshit, he kept trying to bring up justifications for what he did, and said that people are calling him a monster because he decided to look out for himself and be happy for once. There's no excuse, no justification. If he had done it the 'right' way and gently let the relationship go, not cheating, this wouldn't be so bad nor would it hurt so much. Then he had the gall to say that if it doesn't work out with this girl, he *might* try again with me. I'm sorry, but I am no one's backup. How can I trust someone who ripped my heart out? I told him I'd have to even think about being his friend first before even thinking about trying another relationship with him.
As it went on, he started talking less and less while I poured my heart out how i felt about everything. I never said any justification for the actions i did and the pain i brought him, i admitted everything, said I was sorry, said I am working on myself. I have no reason to deny his claims against me, i take full responsibility for my actions, and then called him selfish and immature because he took the coward's way out of all this and how he refuses to admit what he did was wrong, insisting that I 'deserve' this. Okay, sure, maybe i deserve this, but I'm not justifying my actions like he is. i accept it, I will work on it, and I will get over it, with or without him.
As he got more silent and I couldn't get him to say anything more (I asked if he even still felt anything for me, and he snidely remarked "Well I'm talking to you now, aren't?" ), i told him with how he's acted towards me, our friends, how he's hurt his own family by doing this, etc, and the fact he's dishonest (I kept emphasizing that the whole conversation so it *might* sink in, not sure it did), that I haven't even decided if I'll even want to keep him in my life as a friend or anything at all. And i said, "Don't be surprised if you log on and I'm no longer there. You did this all YOURSELF. *click*" Hung up on him.
Sorry for the wall of text. I have a lot on my mind right now. I now am in the stage mostly of anger. I hear there are stages to go through. Anyone know them so I can best prepare for all of this?
Also, I shared everything with his mom and dad. His mom won't help him anymore with school or loans or much after this, and his dad is pissed off at him and probably thinks likewise with his wife. The chat log also had parts of him speaking how he really feels about his mother, and there was already a rift, but I felt she and her husband needed to know. They want me in their lives, they saw me as a daughter, but I don't know how I can still keep close to them through all this. This wasn't to be malicious, I just wanted them to be aware of what was going on so he didn't lie to them about me or the situation. He's lied to family and such before (I think we all have) and i wanted to tell them my side and show them the truth.
Aaaaand at the same time I am now fighting food poisoning. Ugh.