How not to write a review: II - Redux (The Audrey II)

Gary Gary
How not to write a review: II - Redux (The Audrey II)

I was very disappointed upon receiving my toy since the delivery man only slowed down enough to throw the package from the delivery truck - and it went straight through the picture window in the front of our house… again!

Well, initially, I was astonished at the size and weight of the box that this toy came in. It seemed more like a box for a stereo system than a male masturbation sleeve. Before I broke out the Sawzall to open ‘er up, I was quite sure that some mistake had been made.

Upon opening the box, I was pleasantly surprised to make my first acquaintance with the Audrey II! She was beautiful, soft, and green; and she looked just like a 60’s drive in movie martian bastardization of a venus flytrap (when planets collide…ahhahahaha… get it?). Along with the Audrey II, came a full sized ceramic planter for display and storage (let airport security try and figure out what the hell this thing is really used for, can you say discreet?), a pair of jumper cables, and a car battery. Yes, a real car battery! At this point, I was very intrigued!

I must admit, the car battery and jumper cables that attached to the bottom of the Audrey II Sleeve were a little intimidating once I actually had my penis inside the mouth of this crazy thing. But, I took a deep breath, a big shot of corn whiskey, and pushed the ‘on’ button. Damn, does this baby got some power to it! I reached orgasm in about 2.5 seconds, began bleeding from my ears and eyes at 5 seconds and, if I had to guess, I would say that the electric current became too much to handle at around 8 or 9 seconds…when I lost consciousness.

Fortunately for me, the Audrey II was set on low and automatically shut off after 10 seconds (the highest setting being 60 seconds). I am not really sure how to describe the unnamable bliss that I experienced; but if I had to put it into words, I would say, if two lawn mowers were having really good rough sex and the female lawnmower had a multiple orgasm that caused her to bleed and then pass out, it would be comparable to the sensations that I experienced.

It’s not just the silky smooth feeling of electricity flowing through your body, and it’s not just the way you begin to feel like whipped cream as your body contorts and goes through seizures, but it’s more the way that the Audrey II heats up and sizzles, engulfing your entire manhood like you are wrapped in a couple pounds bacon that is still cooking on the grill, and at the same time the bacon was trying to eat your penis like it was a python. Heavenly!

As for cleanup, my normal routine for after I am done using any of my hundreds upon hundreds of sex toys, (and most especially if it was being shared or used anally), ‘cause “I’m a safety girl” (that’s from pretty woman, I love that goddamn movie) … I always completely submerge the toy into a bucket of fresh milk and allow my small army of cats to lick it clean with their sterilizingly magically capable tongue power – and, of course, their love for milk. You will find that a cat’s tongue could even sterilize bleach, as well as heal the sick, and, even on rare occasions, depending on the powers of the particular cat in question, return the dead to life… but only in a zombie fashion. The quality of life is gone forever once the life in question has passed over and it can never be returned. The ancient secrets of cat magi have been powerless to true death since before they taught primates how to walk on two legs and communicate verbally, so they continue to search for this most ultimate of all truths.

Summary: On the back of the box it says “That which does not kill us, only makes us hornier”. Let me tell you, they weren’t lying!

Pros: At a mere $9.99, you will not find more bang for your buck!

Cons: Does not really eat meat, though it does chew on it.
05/28/2009
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Victoria Victoria
It's all fun and games until someone is tripping over battery cables in the middle of the night...*ouch*

However, this makes a damn fine makeshift garbage disposal!
05/28/2009
Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
LOL. But it sounds a lot like my review of Flossie.
05/28/2009
Sammi Sammi
lmao - I shouldn't have read that at work!
05/28/2009
Gary Gary
I figured it was about time to cash in on the sequel!
05/28/2009
Gary Gary
Quote:
Originally posted by Cinnamon Chambers
LOL. But it sounds a lot like my review of Flossie.
I just read it! Very funny!
05/28/2009
Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme) Champagne and Benzedrine (Roland Hulme)
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
How not to write a review: II - Redux (The Audrey II)I was very disappointed upon receiving my toy since the delivery man only slowed down enough to throw the package from the delivery truck - and it went straight through the picture window in the ... More
"I always completely submerge the toy into a bucket of fresh milk and allow my small army of cats to lick it clean."

Fell. Off. Chair. Laughing.

Now I have a bruised ass.
05/28/2009
Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
Oh no. Ass injuries suck. Yeti is great. I forwarded the link to this to tons of people I know. We all LOVE it.
05/28/2009
Mamastoys Mamastoys
Too funny...I sure needed that today!!!!!
the bucket of milk and cats licking it clean was the kicker!
05/28/2009
Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
When I got to the part with the cats and their magical licking power, I audibly said "oh no!" in a library.

Thanks, Yeti, for furthering my status as a pariah.
05/28/2009
Viv Viv
I must say, Yeti, I hadn't considered you a Safety Girl previously, but I sure will from now on. XD *laughing*
05/28/2009
Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Viv
I must say, Yeti, I hadn't considered you a Safety Girl previously, but I sure will from now on. XD *laughing*
Yeah, he's totally a 'Safety Girl' *while wearing a brown polka dot dress*, no less - ok, not really...but, while wearing a ski mask? Yes. Oh, the trials of living with the Yeti...
05/28/2009
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
What does the Audrey III come with, a miniature nuclear reactor?

"Gives your manhood a healthy green glow!"
05/29/2009
Gary Gary
I heard that there was a prototype for the Audrey III in the works, but so far you can only use it at Three Mile Island.
06/01/2009
Sanctus Somnium Sanctus Somnium
Cooking Bacon ala American Pie anyone...lol

Too Funny
11/27/2011
ohdearashbee ohdearashbee
this was hilarious.
05/20/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
How not to write a review: II - Redux (The Audrey II)I was very disappointed upon receiving my toy since the delivery man only slowed down enough to throw the package from the delivery truck - and it went straight through the picture window in the ... More
wow. this is hilari-o.
05/20/2012
Total posts: 17
Unique posters: 12