Taken your rapist into court?

Naughty Student Naughty Student
I am just wondering for those women who have experienced sexual abuse if you have gone to court to defend yourself. I am thinking about how difficult it must be and I am wondering if anyone has had a positive experience of going to court.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I am not really sure if what I experienced can be labeled as abuse so I havent gone to court
13  (14%)
I have been abused and not gone to court and am very happy with my decision
17  (18%)
I have been abused and not gone to court and am disapointed I didn't do it
26  (28%)
I have been abused and gone to court and got a positive experience
4  (4%)
I have been abused and gone to court and got a very negative experience
3  (3%)
I have been abused and gone to court and regret having done so.
1  (1%)
Other
28  (30%)
Total votes: 92
Poll is closed
10/02/2010
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
What a charged question! I have never been sexually abused but if I was I would hope that reporting the matter would be handled with tact, gentleness and that I would be believed at the very least. I worry because of the openness of the way we live that if I were to atract the attention of a sick person that I wouldn't be believed because I have an open relationship. I worry that the prevaling sentiment is that if I will have sex with guys other than my husband then I don't have the "right" to say no. It's a ridiculous belief but prevalent in my area of the world. It's bad enough here that we actually had a lawyer get sanctioned for teying to use the "ring on a string" defense for a client accused of rape. Still I know that there are some amazingly compassionate men and women on our police force so I dunno...the fact that Sigel, Arch and I are so well known and so well liked might make all the difference.
As a woman this is an issue that scares the hell out of me, I can't think like a rapist so I can't plan an escape route, ya know? It's just terrifying! I do what I can: Never walk at night, lock doors and windows on my house and car, have a phone handy when I'm alone, stay in well lit areas ect. It just makes me beyond angry to HAVE to live like this and knowing that even with all these precautions I could STILL be violated!
10/02/2010
twistedheartsx twistedheartsx
A lot of these answers make me sad
10/03/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I just found out someone I love deeply got sexually assaulted and I have been very supportive and I feel so sad for this person to have lived the experience she has lived. Its so hard for me to bear that she has lived this.
10/04/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Honestly, I know you didn't mean any harm, but every time I see this thread topic re-appear in the forums I get really triggered and upset. Many of us here in the forums have talked about being sexually assaulted, but you'll notice none of us have replied here. Chances are that for most of us it's because we don't want to dredge up painful memories of our assault or to even attempt to bring the notion of "justice" into the picture. Because we know how impossible justice for sexual assault is. Furthermore, being probed for information feels, at least to me, very invasive and uncomfortable. Honestly, it's more important for most of us to try to make peace with these events as best we can and try to move on with our lives without having to relive the trauma constantly.

I always love reading your posts, Naughty Student, and I know you're the kind of person who will read this post I'm making and take it to heart. If I thought you were a less caring person I wouldn't bother at all, but I know you are. For that reason I just want you to understand that to be there for survivors it's important to do it on their terms, not yours. And sometimes satisfying your own curiosity about our experiences can really hurt us.
10/12/2010
usmcwife99 usmcwife99
Honestly the hardest part about going to court was not getting up out of the stand and giving him a nice slap on the face. Luckily I didnt.
10/23/2010
Blinker Blinker
I'm there with Sex & Lies and want to echo what she has said, but she put it so well that there's really nothing to add.

I do want to say that for posters, questions like these, while you may want to satisfy your own curiosity, you're really dredging up some things that should not be messed with. There are some subject matters that are almost inherently implied to be respected and not discussed. This is one of them.
10/23/2010
SexyTabby SexyTabby
I think awareness and education are the key with abuse. In regards, informational threads as opposed to curious threads are the way to go. Here's one that already has a lot of information on it and some personal experiences link

Honestly, anyone who has been abused has already 'not' had a positive experience. The only positive thing is living another day.
10/23/2010
NuMe NuMe
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
Honestly, I know you didn't mean any harm, but every time I see this thread topic re-appear in the forums I get really triggered and upset. Many of us here in the forums have talked about being sexually assaulted, but you'll notice none of us ... More
Here's a thought....

Maybe she's trying to get some helpful information. Maybe, like she said, someone very close to her is going through this and she just wants to know the best way to help her. I'm sure there's no way she would want to ask this person anything directly while she is going through this.

And no, there is nothing positive about being raped. And there is no true justice for it either. But good can come from helping others. And I see this post as a way of being helpful to Naughty Student, for her question, and anyone else who might be wondering the same things.

I'm sorry if it is still so painful and tender all the time, maybe avoiding these types of posts completely would be the most helpful for you and anyone else who finds them too hard to read. And I'm not trying to be harsh. I know first hand how rape affects a person. But I also know that you can get to the other side someday and it won't affect you so deeply.

In the meantime, being upset by honest questions, and making someone feel bad for asking them, will not help others in learning how best to deal with this, should it happen to them or someone close to them.

Oh and btw, I did answer the poll.
10/26/2010
Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
None of the poll answers described my situation, so I answered "Other." I was molested by the teenaged sons of my foster family when I was four and five years old. I was shamed and told that I was being punished and that I would be in trouble if I told anyone.

I was adopted soon after that and my mom sensed that I had been through trauma, but she never asked me directly what I'd been through and I never received any counseling. I basically told this secret to no one until I was an adult. I made the mistake of confiding in someone who I thought I could trust. It is hard to describe the feelings of shame that can remain with you from childhood. I opened my most vulnerable, deepest, and darkest part of me in sharing this. I know I have no logical reason for this, but I have had to struggle with feeling "dirty" and "bad" for no reason whatsover. I have always, always strived my hardest to be the "good girl."

Unfortunately, this person broke my confidentiality and trust by telling my mother. My mother knew the woman who had been my foster mother and wanted to confront her. But I did not want her to (and she never did, to my knowledge). For one thing, this family had four sons. I cannot remember which two the offending culprits were. For another thing, there is absolutely nothing that could be done about it after all those years. How in the world would I ever prove it? For yet another thing, I did not want to dredge my experiences up again. I never wanted to see my molestors again, even as adults. And, even more complicatedly, I did not want to hurt my foster mother who was actually very, very sweet to me. I know she had no earthly idea what her sons had done to me. And I had no earthly idea that I could tell anyone. I grew up thinking that I was bad since the abuse occurred when my foster parents had left me in the care of their sons -- and the boys would say I was being punished and that I would only get in trouble with my foster parents. They tried to make me feel like they were actually doing me a "favor" by "punishing" me that way. I doubted this, but felt completely helpless. I was also extremely frustrated and would occasionally "act out" with temper tamptrums because I felt completely disregarded as a human being.

Sadly, I remained intimidated by teen-aged boys my entire life and did not date until I was in my twenties (dating adult men when I myself was an adult). I always avoided boys in the teen age range.

Sorry to ramble, but I feel a lump rising in my throat at the very idea of going to court to face my abusers. My heart and gratitude goes out to every victim of abuse -- be it sexual, physical, emotional/mental -- who has had the courage and fortitude to bring their tormentors to justice. Because if a person is willing to infringe on your personal rights, you'd better believe they will do it to others. And that, in my book, makes all those victims who have gone to court to face their abusers absolute heroes. It breaks my heart to know they have been hurt even more by the justice system. Hugs and healing to all of you who have been unfairly victimized.
10/26/2010
softkkisses softkkisses
Quote:
Originally posted by Selective Sensualist
None of the poll answers described my situation, so I answered "Other." I was molested by the teenaged sons of my foster family when I was four and five years old. I was shamed and told that I was being punished and that I would be in ... More
I was abused as well by my mom brothers, I do not call them Uncles!! It was hard to read all of the this. And I'm so sorry for everyone out there that this has happened to... I was made to feel it was my fault when my mother found out. She even stopped talking to me over this.. Do what is in your heart.
10/26/2010
Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
Quote:
Originally posted by softkkisses
I was abused as well by my mom brothers, I do not call them Uncles!! It was hard to read all of the this. And I'm so sorry for everyone out there that this has happened to... I was made to feel it was my fault when my mother found out. She even ... More
Oh, I am so very, very sorry that happened to you, hon. (Big hugs.) I actually wrote a lot more in this post which have since I deleted because we all know how unjust this is. You deserve so much better than that.

I just want to send you my warmest wishes and sincerest hopes for healing.
10/26/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Quote:
Originally posted by NuMe
Here's a thought....

Maybe she's trying to get some helpful information. Maybe, like she said, someone very close to her is going through this and she just wants to know the best way to help her. I'm sure there's no way she ... More
I have no idea how you could possibly think I was trying to make Naughty Student feel bad. I would suggest you revisit my comment for tone, because it was far from unkind. And I did, in fact, give advice as a survivor of rape for how to help people dealing with the aftermath of being assaulted: do it on their terms. A very good way to empower someone that has been so completely disempowered and dehumanized is by respecting their choices, their needs and wants and listening to their voices.

I'm sorry if you don't think my advice or perspective is valid, but I'm afraid I can't cop to anything you've just accused me of.
11/03/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Quote:
Originally posted by Selective Sensualist
None of the poll answers described my situation, so I answered "Other." I was molested by the teenaged sons of my foster family when I was four and five years old. I was shamed and told that I was being punished and that I would be in ... More
So many hugs and healing to you too, lovely. Thank you for sharing your story. I completely and adamantly echo this:

"I feel a lump rising in my throat at the very idea of going to court to face my abusers."

Like, very, very much so. I also think this is a pretty common sentiment.

I really respect your courage and I'm really glad you were able to make choices for yourself (regarding confronting your foster mother) that you were comfortable with. Some things are simply better left in the past. Unlike made for television dramas about this stuff, there's usually no vindication that comes with digging that shit up. It's just like picking at an old scab. I also respect how compassionate you are in not wanting to hurt this old woman. Isn't it funny how often people that have been hurt so badly are the most considerate and caring? Guess we know how much is sucks and don't want anyone else to ever have to experience it.
11/03/2010
Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
So many hugs and healing to you too, lovely. Thank you for sharing your story. I completely and adamantly echo this:

"I feel a lump rising in my throat at the very idea of going to court to face my abusers."

Like, very, very ... More
Thank you for this. Many hugs and lots of healing to you, too, sweetheart.
11/03/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by NuMe
Here's a thought....

Maybe she's trying to get some helpful information. Maybe, like she said, someone very close to her is going through this and she just wants to know the best way to help her. I'm sure there's no way she ... More
I wasn't upset by her response

I didn't respond bcs I didn't know what to respond. I thought that I would rather not add anything bcs I really agreed with what she said and I didn't want to make anyone feel bad by saying anything more.

The person I care about is dealing with her experience very well, that I know of and I am trying to be as supportive as I can be without imposing my views on her. I would never push her to do anything that she wouldn't want to do.

It just breaks my heart that people have these kinds of experiences and I sort of lost it (cried like I never cried before) when she told me what happenned. I never thought it would happen to someone so close to me. I prefferred it would have happenned to me to save her from living this experience. Her life is pretty hard as is.

Lots of hugs to everyone who is healing, I am sorry if this post brought up memories they would have rather not thought of.
11/03/2010
socceras socceras
If I was abused I would take them to court. If they didn't go to jail or got out of jail, they would be killed. Not by me though. I don't understand how all of these predators are out on the streets. Me any my family's views would never tolerate this kind of abuse and if anything happened to me, this person wouldn't be around much longer if they weren't protected in jail.
11/10/2010
Avalee Avalee
All 3 times it happened I was underage and they never were arrested. 1 rape, 2 molestations. Even so from what I hear it is horrible and embarrassing and low conviction rate.
11/13/2010
Danielle915 Danielle915
I was raped when I was 17 by my boyfriend at the time's friend. I was fighting with my boyfriend and went out with him and his girlfriend (who was one of my best friends at the time) just to keep my mind off of what was going on at home. I ended up drinking beer...and passed out. When I woke up he was raping me. Needless to say after all was said and done I found out my "friend" was in on it too and she was forced to wait outside and be on the lookout for his mom while he was raping me. I remember trying to scream, but I couldn't get it out. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and found out that I was drugged with the "date rape" drug. They must have put it in the beer. The detectives came in and questioned me and I was so out of it that I couldn't really talk. The male detective was scaring the crap out of me and I just wanted him to leave and at the time I didn't know I could have asked for someone else. I was young, scared, and just wanted to go home and shower. Needless to say I never pressed charges and I wish I would have. It still effects me till today.
11/13/2010
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
Honestly, I know you didn't mean any harm, but every time I see this thread topic re-appear in the forums I get really triggered and upset. Many of us here in the forums have talked about being sexually assaulted, but you'll notice none of us ... More
This is an interesting take. I understand how this topic title and content could be triggering but, for all we know, the OP could simply be using this medium as a way to work through her own triggers and issues regarding assault (Okay, that's not the case but hear me out). Or perhaps others could find this an open and safe place to finally talk about these issues.

I think it would be more productive to suggest how you would want someone to handle subjects such as these as you did a fine job explaining why it can be hurtful. Perhaps a "Trigger Warning" would have been helpful for you to avoid the topic at hand.
11/29/2010
Shaelote Shaelote
Quote:
Originally posted by socceras
If I was abused I would take them to court. If they didn't go to jail or got out of jail, they would be killed. Not by me though. I don't understand how all of these predators are out on the streets. Me any my family's views would ... More
Sometimes that isn't an option. Sometimes you live a long time feeling that the abuser has power over you and that it's your fault. Or that something bad would happen if you told. Or that it wasn't really abuse, because other people have it a lot worse.

Sometimes no one believes you. Sometimes it isn't about views, values, or family, sometimes - it's about praying that you never, ever have to think about it again.
12/10/2010
Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
Quote:
Originally posted by Shaelote
Sometimes that isn't an option. Sometimes you live a long time feeling that the abuser has power over you and that it's your fault. Or that something bad would happen if you told. Or that it wasn't really abuse, because other people ... More
Thanks for this. All of what you said is very, very true.

Not every person is blessed enough to feel protected by others. Sometimes a child does not have a family. But even if an abused child does have family, the majority of the time it is a family member who is the abuser. Rhetorical question for anyone in general: How protected by your family would you feel if it is actually your family responsible for abusing you?

Also, not everyone who has been abused was old enough at the time to effectively seek outside help. In my case, my abusers had a power over me and made me feel that I was at fault and would be in trouble if I told my foster parents about it. Plus, since the abusers were my foster parents' own children by blood, who do you think my foster parents would have been more inclined to believe? A 5 year old foster child they had taken into their home for a few months or their own flesh and blood?

Many times it is family who protects the ABUSER.
12/10/2010
Sir Sir
What about the men who have been raped..?
12/10/2010
LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
I held myself back from doing anything about it because it was a date rape. I wish I had done something about it. Date rape is still rape, and I apparently didn't understand that.
12/10/2010
SexyTabby SexyTabby
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
What about the men who have been raped..?
I think men report it even less then women because of society's image but rape happens to both sexes.

I don't know statistics but it seems many attacks are from a known source. I was attacked by someone I knew from a friends house. My sister was raped by her neighbor, twice. She turned him in the first time and when he was released on bail he came back and threatened her with how easy it was for him to get to her and what he would do to her family. She dropped the charges.

My nephew was raped by his own father. He was only four when it was reported and the poor child has all kids of mental issues. He's six now and he has been in three foster care homes and kicked out of school for trying to rape, perform oral sex and urinating on other children. The family have gotten guardianship of both children from that household but it will be after school is over that the 4yr old is allowed to complete the transition and even longer for the boy because he isn't safe to be around other children and until he can be they have to keep him in the system. I worry he will always have a trigger that sets him off though and that isn't something that will simply go away.
12/17/2010
misslady misslady
I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for those of you who have experienced sexual abuse...and it makes me so sad to continue hearing that it's more common than I thought, and that there are so many perpetrators who walk free.

I admire you all though for being able to talk about it, and I am so glad that there's a community like this where people can respectfully discuss sensitive issues. Hugs <3
12/17/2010
Eliza Eliza
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
What about the men who have been raped..?
A very good point. I know most people don't think about the possibility of men being raped, when in reality, 1 in 10 men are survivors of sexual assault.

My only guess is that the original poster was asking specifically about women because of the friend of her's who has recently been assaulted.
12/19/2010
darthkitt3n darthkitt3n
I didn't call the police or anything. I beat the crap out of him.
01/02/2011
PassionQT PassionQT
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
I'm there with Sex & Lies and want to echo what she has said, but she put it so well that there's really nothing to add.

I do want to say that for posters, questions like these, while you may want to satisfy your own curiosity, ... More
I agree with you Blinker. I'd prefer to see the forums used to promote healthy sexuality. I'm sure there are members who have been assaulted that would rather just move on with their lives and not be reminded of it here, when they are trying to rebuild their sex life after the trauma of being raped. This type of discussion is better suited for a victims of rape forum where the appropriate support from counselors/professiona ls, and other victims is available. I'm not angry or anything, I just have seen one too many posts about rape on here.
01/27/2011
firekitten firekitten
I did not report it. It was my best friend's brother. The way I saw it it would either destroy her family (Muslim family, he was the only son) or I wouldn't be believed and how do you "prove" something like molestation? Especially when she was laying right next to me? I told her what happened a few years ago and she didn't believe me. She asked her brother and he denied it. (Obviously) A couple of years after the incident he was dating a much younger girl, and one night his girlfriend's brother came to their house threatening to kill him because he took advantage of her (can't remember the accusations). As far as I know they didn't press charges either. It wasn't until then that I wished I had done something.
01/27/2011
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