Emotional Affairs?

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Emotional Affairs?

 
 
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MuffysPinguLove MuffysPinguLove
So, I was reading an article the other day about "emotional affairs," and I was wondering how different people would react to this kind of situation.

How would you react if you found out your significant other was participating in an emotional affair?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
97
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50
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Total votes: 379 (120 voters)
Poll is open
11/11/2009
sarahbear sarahbear
I have four answers. I've been there and I already know how I reacted.

I was hurt and confused. To me it seemed to be completely out of the blue. I thought things were fantastic between us. When I discovered what was going on, I confronted everyone involved. Possibly not the best course of action. You say a lot of things when you're that emotional. I'm usually a lot more reserved and rational.

I told my husband he had to end it if he wanted to work on our marriage, and he did. We spent the next week or so talking about what was going on with our marriage. We needed to figure out why he felt the need to go to someone else. We figured out that it was merely the convenience of it. Both of our work schedules were insane so we rarely saw each other. We worked opposite shifts and slept while the other was home, usually. She made herself available. She was there when he wanted to talk/cyber/have phone sex. She was lavishing him with attention that he wasn't getting from me. Not that I didn't want to give him attention, just that our schedules made it near impossible.

I think a lot of affairs are about convenience, to some degree. It's easy for someone outside of your marriage/relationship to tell you everything you want to hear. It's so simple for them to dote on you and give you all the attention you want. They aren't there to live your day to day life. They don't feel the stress of the mortgage or paying the bills, or taking care of the kids, or any of the other stresses that happen every day in a marriage. They see you at your best. They don't know about the dynamics of your relationship with your spouse. If you're griping to them about the things your partner does that annoy you, it's easy for them to tell you how unappreciative and ungrateful your spouse is.

Emotional affairs are as big of a betrayal as sexual affairs, and probably worse because the majority of affairs that start off emotional will eventually wind up being sexual. Emotional ties are a lot harder to break than sexual ties. I was fortunate enough to catch my husband's affair before it turned physical, but it still had a huge impact on our marriage. Some good and some bad. We've got a long road ahead of us, but we talk about everything now. We make ourselves available to each other. We've rearranged our lives, schedules and finances to be less stressful on us so we can focus on our relationship with each other.

I should stop here because this will turn into a novel and I'm getting emotional. =/
11/11/2009
MuffysPinguLove MuffysPinguLove
I'm sorry you had to go through this experience, hopefully you and your husband worked things out.
11/11/2009
Laurel Laurel
(EdenFantasys)
Quote:
Originally posted by sarahbear
I have four answers. I've been there and I already know how I reacted.

I was hurt and confused. To me it seemed to be completely out of the blue. I thought things were fantastic between us. When I discovered what was going on, I confronted ... More
I am of the opinion that almost all affairs are emotional and the sex is just a byproduct. My heart goes out to you for what you've experienced and I am glad you were able to work on things with your husband. I hope the two of you are stronger for it, in the end.

I learned the hard way that giving time and attention to someone else (online or on the phone or whatever) and sharing intimate thoughts with them IS a betrayal and IS an affair even though it seems like it's not because there is nothing physical going on. The pain and damage caused by such a relationship is as real as the pain and damage caused by a physical affair.


My own personal feelings on the subject are that sex outside of a relationship is of little importance to me. What is important is having a partner who will honor the relationship by respecting my wishes about who they spend time with and not betray my trust by hiding what they do. That is far more damaging to my relationships than any random acts of sex along the way. Not everyone feels this way, of course and I am not suggesting that anyone else should. Unless they want to marry me, then they should.
11/12/2009
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Laurel
I am of the opinion that almost all affairs are emotional and the sex is just a byproduct. My heart goes out to you for what you've experienced and I am glad you were able to work on things with your husband. I hope the two of you are stronger for ... More
I cannot agree nor disagree with you without knowing your definition of an affair. It's an interesting thought, though.



I believe that an emotional affair is no less than a physical one just because there is no sex and that people use that to justify their actions is ridiculous, laughable really. I do not think it is automatically worse but it could be, depending on the circumstances. I know that, had my husband's cheating been emotionally vested, we would no longer be married. That is only happened once and did not involve emotions are the only "consolations" I have.

Were I to discover an emotional affair now, and give our history, I would not be simply hurt or confused. I would be irate and I would probably do something worthy of lethal injection. In some hypothetical situation without that history, I would definitely be hurt and confused but, aside from that, I don't know how I'd react
11/12/2009
sarahbear sarahbear
Quote:
Originally posted by Laurel
I am of the opinion that almost all affairs are emotional and the sex is just a byproduct. My heart goes out to you for what you've experienced and I am glad you were able to work on things with your husband. I hope the two of you are stronger for ... More
Thank you (and MuffysPinguLove) for your well wishes and kind words.

I'm with you on your opinion of what most affairs are and how much of a betrayal sharing time and attention with someone else is. I had a lot of people telling me that 'at least they didn't have sex' or 'at least it was just online' and various other things. That annoyed me, like it diminished my pain and my experience. It still hurt a lot. It still had a massive affect on our relationship.

I 100% agree with your last paragraph.
11/12/2009
Liz2 Liz2
In many ways, I believe "emotional affairs" are not much different from physical affairs as both take the partner away. The partner becomes not present or distant from the other.
11/12/2009
~miss.heather~ ~miss.heather~
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
In many ways, I believe "emotional affairs" are not much different from physical affairs as both take the partner away. The partner becomes not present or distant from the other.
I agree with Liz2, in my opinion an affair is an affair. Your time and emotions are focused on someone else. Taking away from the relationship with your partner or spouse. I would be very hurt and confused and confrontational about the whole situation. Emotional or physical affairs which ever it is, is pointing out that there is one area or another that the relationship needs to be worked on.

I definitely feel for Sarahbear, and I am hoping all works out for the best in the end for her and her hubby. It's just so sad that given the way the world is now it takes two people to be working and striving for a life together, and that determination to make things work stresses the emotional or physical aspects of our personal lives.
11/12/2009
Owl Identified Owl Identified
I can't really answer the question unless the parameters of "emotional affair" have been defined, but I might be in the minority with my answer. My boyfriend and I are in a sexually open relationship. We have agreed that for the time being we are not ready to open our relationship up romantically; sexual relationships are fine, but not romantic sexual relationships. For us both, however, that is not totally out of the question in the future.

As for the moment, if I learned that my boyfriend had developed feelings for another person, well, that's fine. As long as he continues to love me and dedicate time and energy to our relationship I don't mind if he shares a connection with another person. In fact, I think that's pretty healthy and natural and I'm happy if another person can add to his life and his joy. Likewise, I would never want him to tell me that I couldn't do the same. People aren't property and love doesn't equal ownership. This is how I feel.

HOWEVER if he were going out of his way to make it a "secret" then I would be hurt, but only because of the dishonesty (which would clearly indicate a much larger problem with our relationship). If I learned the emotional aspect had been combined with sex then I would also be hurt because we have agreed to keep sex and romance separate in our extra-relationship doings for the moment.
12/21/2009
Owl Identified Owl Identified
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
I can't really answer the question unless the parameters of "emotional affair" have been defined, but I might be in the minority with my answer. My boyfriend and I are in a sexually open relationship. We have agreed that for the time being we are not ... More
And I chose "I would confront them" I almost forgot to mention!
12/21/2009
Britni TheVadgeWig Britni TheVadgeWig
I think that emotional affairs are worse than purely physical ones. However, if a physical affair is an "affair" it is happening multiple times, and therefore is on some level an emotional affair, too. So, I guess I think emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating (i.e. a one night stand, seeing an escort, whatever you define cheating as in your relationship).

Sex can just be sex. A release. A fuck. An emotional affair means you're actually giving a piece of yourself, your heart, your soul, your feelings to someone else. And if you promised monogamy to your partner, that's not something that you should do.

I think that's so much more of a betrayal than a "wham bam, thank you ma'am" kind of thing, because there's usually no feeling involved in that. My dad cheated on my mom. He swears it was never physical (I don't believe it), and she needs to believe that in order to forgive him. But even if it wasn't physical at any point, my mother checked his cell phone records and found that they were talking up to THIRTY TIMES PER DAY. And after she confronted him? He got a separate cell phone to talk to her on. That, to me, seems like so much more of a betrayal than if he had been sticking his dick in a wet hole.

That having been said, I chose "I would confront them,I would consider it more serious than a physcial affair, I would be hurt, and I would try to figure out why it started in the first place."
12/22/2009
Jen&Clint Jen&Clint
I don't even know how to answer this poll. So many of the answers I would pick and have done in the past when this happened to me. I'm not one for being hurt for long I tend to get even and have had well only one guy call me a bitch and even tell my dad that I was a bitch and very mean to him. He thought he was so smart and I would just put up with it. HaHa needless to say I am married with #3 on the way and he is well alone cause he can't keep his flirty mouth shut and his dick in his pants!

I would say that emotional is worse then physical, being that there is an attachment there and at some point if giving long enough it might turn into a physical thing.
12/22/2009
Sassybunny85 Sassybunny85
I used to think years ago that having sex was worse than an emotional affair, but I've grown up. I've realized that an affair is an affair, no matter how you try to spin it. It doesn't matter if you're having sex with the person or not. If you had issues in your relationship, then they will become magnified when you are seeing someone else on the side. Everything your partner does that irritates you will make you think you just don't belong with them. Then to top it off, the person you're cheating with will think your spouse is a jerk, even if they're not. I agree with Sarabear on the fact that the person you're having the affair with doesn't see you at your worst, doesn't have to deal with every day things like bills & money with you. So of course your spouse ends up looking like the bad person.

My advice? Just don't do it. It's never worth it.
01/02/2010
Sir Sir
I believe that I voted that I would be hurt and confused and that I would confront them, as yes, it has happened to me quite a few times. She would lie to me about where she was, tell me that she was out with people she was not out with, she would withhold information from me, and she would have people in her bed and talk to me right after they were done.

More than anything, I was in utter shock. Shock that she would do that to me. I am a very loving person of her, but ever since she cheated on me, things went downhill in our relationship, because she didn't stop. The lies piled on top of the lies and now, I do not even know her anymore. It wasn't only an emotional affair, it was a physical one too. No affair is good, I do not care which is worse. None is good. It's hurtful, it's deceitful, and it's painful.

After she went behind my back like she did, we tried everything to make the relationship work. Well, I did. But she continued to go behind my back and do things that were completely unacceptable. I tried being understanding, I tried sitting down and talking with her and saying, "I'll forgive you. Just do not do this to me again, I cannot take it." But she didn't, and she hasn't. She still is, to this day, going behind my back. So at the moment, since nothing worked that I tried, we are not together.

One of my problems is that I am very vulnerable to her, so when she cheated on me, it felt as if everything in my life had fallen down. All of the things that I had expected for us to be together, everything that I had wanted for myself, just seemed so unrealistic to me. Tainted. I sat there for a few minutes when she told me, going over in my mind, "So that's where she was. She lied to me every day about this." Because I am vulnerable, I tend to get angry and upset. Quite a lot. She tells me that I need anger management help, and I may, but the source of the problem isn't ever going to change. I just need to change how I deal with it, of course.

I suppose that over everything, there is no set way to deal with an affair. It depends on how steady the relationship is, what there is to look for and keep, and why you may want to keep it or just say "You know what, screw it. You cheated on me, I'm leaving within the next week." One of the things that is hardest is when there are children added to the equation, especially when both parents were very loving of the children. It also depends on why the person had the affair, if there even was a reason (which there sometimes isn't at all). My way of dealing with it apparently didn't work for us (sitting down and talking things out, talking about what we can do to change things, setting up more times to see each other, etc). But for someone else, it might.
01/08/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Fascinating question, and I'll give views of the other side.

I was the one guys had emotional affairs with. Never physical, as I was considered too ugly/fat/whatever-excu se-this-week ... but I was always the most emotionally available person and guys would just end up 'attached' to me. I was fun to talk to, I listened, I gave advice, I offered consolation. I never went in thinking that I was going to be romantically-emotional ly involved, as I really am just an overly-empathetic person. I was the emotional/intellectual receptacle they needed to pour their minds into.

I've always been aware that such connections are intimate. Before I was married, I was the 'emotional mistress' of all my guy friends, which I didn't mind (I had such low self-esteem that I was desperate for ANY intimacy). After marriage, I tried to curb it. I flirted with a few friends, but made sure it never got too far.

I never worried about my ex-husband having an emotional affair - he was too bone idle. He got me, so his work was done. I would have been more upset if he liked someone else's cooking more than mine. Matter of fact, I did wish he would have SOME sort of affair so I would know if he was truly non-sexual or just freaking lazy.

Anyway, from the other side, all I can say for secure emotional intimacy is to Be There in all senses of the words - listen, play, empathize, love, make them feel that they matter, so they won't feel the need to seek it outside.

(And possibly surround them with idiots - it's hard to connect to someone if there isn't any intellectual stimulation.)
01/08/2010
xsapphirexangelx xsapphirexangelx
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I believe that I voted that I would be hurt and confused and that I would confront them, as yes, it has happened to me quite a few times. She would lie to me about where she was, tell me that she was out with people she was not out with, she would ... More
im very sorry this happened to you sir. Is this your 'little girl'? In another thread you talked about how she was very disobedient and i did wonder what that meant. I sincerely hope things work out to your benefit.
01/19/2010
xsapphirexangelx xsapphirexangelx
i belive a that this kind of breach in intimacy wreaks a kind of havoc on a relationship that would require thorough comunication and understanding to repair. If comunication cant repair it i dont understand how anything would but it has to be unbearable with someone you love and trusted deeply who you do not wish to extricate yourself from.

In my case i would consider the a physical affair more hurtful then an emotional because i am basicaly the only intimate companion he has had and for him to manifest a physical relationship with another would just be more startling and display a much deeper rift in our relationship. But im honistly not at all conserned with this ever happening with him and am very grateful for that security.
01/19/2010
GNGenie GNGenie
I suppose maybe I'm a bit out of the ordinary: my problem with any affair would be time/attention taken away from me and/or risk of STDs. If my man could manage an emotional affair without risking any of that, it probably wouldn't even hit my radar as more than an "Oh. That's interesting, dear."
04/05/2010
GNGenie GNGenie
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I believe that I voted that I would be hurt and confused and that I would confront them, as yes, it has happened to me quite a few times. She would lie to me about where she was, tell me that she was out with people she was not out with, she would ... More
I'm sorry to hear about that. I think dishonesty is the worst thing you can have in a relationship whether it be minor things or large. (and the minor things generally lead to the large)
04/05/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(Eden Lit)
I have to say that I am so glad I have 2 partners who know and help me deal with my tendency to disconnect from real life problems by having intese emotional affairs. Men, women it makes no difference if my life is out of balance. It's the real reason I tolerated Sigel's sexual affairs as easily as I did, (and believe you me it was NOT easy)but I have come to recognize how destructive the practice is.

Sarahbear is right though it is very easy for an outsidr to tell you what you need to hear and it is about convenience but it's also about escapism for some of us. We can wrap ourselves int he problems of others so that we don;t have to view or work on our own.

I blamed Sigel for all our problems and his cheating seemed to bear this out, it's acceptible for women to have intense friendships that consume their lives...or so we wwere lead to believe. The truth is an emotionl affair causes your relationships to wither and die, there is only so much time and attention to go around. Once you start concentrating on your own problems and let others care for their own time seems to magically multiply.

An affair ALWAYS devastates a relationship because it tears apart the fragile trust that is necessary, it can be repaired but it is never the same. It's a long painful road and my heart goes out to all of us here who have been betrayed and who have betrayed people they love.
04/08/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(Eden Lit)
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Fascinating question, and I'll give views of the other side.

I was the one guys had emotional affairs with. Never physical, as I was considered too ugly/fat/whatever-excu se-this-week ... but I was always the most emotionally available person ... More
Great advice but if you are with someone who is going to cheat he or she is going to cheat regardless of the time, energy or people they are surrounded by. What bothers me most about your story is the fact that you were told here's my problems but you are too ugly/fat/whatever for me to find you physically attractive. That's horriffic! Sad thing is most of your "guy friends" significant others probably saw you as no threat because of their idiot beliefs about attractiveness. Someone who listens and can cook? Sign me up! The reason I say their partners were idiots is you are exactly the sort of person Sigel would have had a sexual affair with (not meaning any disrespect to you ) because you are sympathetic, kind, a good listener and can cook. He loves women and finds something beautiful in every woman he sees. This used to bother me until I realized how rare and wonderful a person like him is.

Fomr your reviews and other posts you seem to value yourself more now and I say good for you!
04/08/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(Eden Lit)
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I believe that I voted that I would be hurt and confused and that I would confront them, as yes, it has happened to me quite a few times. She would lie to me about where she was, tell me that she was out with people she was not out with, she would ... More
Aww sweetie that's horrible and I know you are in a bad place with her. It feels like something had died and it won't ever be the same. The one thing I was never allowed to do was mourn the loss of my dreams and former beliefs. Take that time and use the grieving process to help you now. Your love may not have died but it has been irrevocably changed and you have the right to be angry, hurt, depressed, dismayed, and finally accepting. It's a long, hard road no matter what you decide but you'll do what's best for you, be gentle with yourself.
04/08/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Great advice but if you are with someone who is going to cheat he or she is going to cheat regardless of the time, energy or people they are surrounded by. What bothers me most about your story is the fact that you were told here's my problems but ... More
Thank you, Airen. And it was true - I was not seen as a threat to anyone's relationship. 'Oh, I don't worry about Scully that way, I trust her and my guy won't bother.' Strange how I knew the quirks and mind-workings of my guy friends better than their 'true loves' did. (Most of them didn't care to know - sad, really.)

Your Sigel is very generous with his affection. Good for you for knowing how to handle him.
04/08/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by sarahbear
I have four answers. I've been there and I already know how I reacted.

I was hurt and confused. To me it seemed to be completely out of the blue. I thought things were fantastic between us. When I discovered what was going on, I confronted ... More
I totally agree with Sarahbear. Emotional is so much worse. A physical thing could be once and mean nothing, but when you have an emotional connection and it lasts then it turns into more or it lingers. Emotional affairs turn into the kind of affairs that people leave relationships over, not usually the fuck buddy situation. That is my opinion/experience anyways. Physical would hurt also, don't get me wrong but since I know it is possible to have sex and feel nothing for the person, it seems less threatening even though it is a huge betrayal as well.
04/20/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Laurel
I am of the opinion that almost all affairs are emotional and the sex is just a byproduct. My heart goes out to you for what you've experienced and I am glad you were able to work on things with your husband. I hope the two of you are stronger for ... More
I also agree with Laurel. For me, lies hurt more than anything else.
04/20/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Owl Identified
I can't really answer the question unless the parameters of "emotional affair" have been defined, but I might be in the minority with my answer. My boyfriend and I are in a sexually open relationship. We have agreed that for the time being we are not ... More
Very interesting and that is awesome that you and some people can live like this without jealousy. I however, may not get insanely jealous...but I just don't share lol.

The part about being happy that someone else could add to his happiness was written beautifully.
04/20/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
I believe that I voted that I would be hurt and confused and that I would confront them, as yes, it has happened to me quite a few times. She would lie to me about where she was, tell me that she was out with people she was not out with, she would ... More
I have been in a similar situation(s) where I was constantly lied to. I share your pain and it still hurts me to think of it. I was so tired of being lied to. I just wanted to start over each day and give him a new chance but it kept happening. It turned me into a different person and consumed my thoughts bc I started to not believe ANYTHING.
04/20/2010
Elodie Elodie
I would be way more hurt that someone could betray me for a person he felt nothing for than for someone he felt an emotional attachment to. I'd be more likely to leave over a one-night stand than an emotional affair, whether the emotional affair had a physical component or not. I can't imagine staying after a purely physical affair, in fact -- it would make me feel used, and I don't see how I could ever trust my man again. An emotional or emotional/physical affair, however, is something I can understand a lot better, because the heart is a big place and there are a lot of awesome people in the world. I can see working it out and forgiving afterward, especially if there weren't a lot of lies involved.
04/20/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
@Chillipepper girl: I guess looking back now, I have been the emotional affair for many guys over the past too. But in my case, they ended up different (which may be a great example as to why emotional affairs can be worse). All of my past relationships started that way and the girlfriends would be insanely jealous. I was the go to and then the guys would also break up with their long relationships for me. I don't regret any of the romantic relationships that came out of it, so I guess it made us stronger to have that bond to begin with. Shows how detrimental those emotional affairs can be.
04/20/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
@Chillipepper girl: I guess looking back now, I have been the emotional affair for many guys over the past too. But in my case, they ended up different (which may be a great example as to why emotional affairs can be worse). All of my past ... More
Oh, indeed. I didn't find anything wrong with them, really, because nothing sexual came of it. I was 'mommy', not 'lover' - at least that's how I saw it back then. We all took it for granted that 'Scully is fat and honest, and guys don't get hot for that'.

Funniest thing though ... as I've been hearing back about my friends due to Facebook and all that recently ... these same guy friends have settled down and married busty redheads who wear glasses and are intellectual and nurturing.

Piffle!
04/20/2010
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Total posts: 59
Unique posters: 42