Honesty and the first few dates

Elnoa Elnoa
I find that I prefer to be honest and upfront about my beliefs and things I feel strongly about (gender relations, views on marriage/abortion/chil dren, family involvement, etc) with potential partners rather than playing coy the first few dates. See, I hate to waste time and I wouldn't want to deal with a huge conflict of interest just because I was too scared to be clear about my expectations and beliefs. What do you prefer?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Honesty is the best policy.
Coralbell , Sinfully , married with children , MJ1337 , Dusk , ac0313 , CAKES , IrishLassie , A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople) , OhMy! , Diabolical Kitty , swf , M.H1 , salaciousrex , dhig , EJ , bayosgirl , wetone123 , McTavishes , TwistedTruth , bunnygrl , Peggi , mistre$$ , Hallmar82 , thisisadeletedaccount , potstickers , hem , edenguy , Bigkc , butts , LoooveMonkey , emiliaa , Ouroborean , gsfanatic , Vaginas , tiniest bird , RonLee , kinaaaa , SepZet , dks210 , doowop , earthmama , Katelyn , Feisty , zaftigzoo , hillys , VeganChick (is Gone) , MrWood , CS2012 , geekchic , SecretKinksters , Trysexual , oneeyedoctopus , RaspberryRogue , padmeamidala , dancingduo , Pierced Blaqk Skies
57  (66%)
Learn what they think before you make your ideas known, but speak up in time.
Trillian , DreamWolf , Adriana Ravenlust , ginnyluvspotter , karenm , SydneyScreams , chicmichiw
7  (8%)
Keep your ideas to yourself until it becomes an issue!
ToyBoy , P'Gell , Redboxbaby , Naughty Student
4  (5%)
It depends on the belief.
MaryExy , Shellz31 , Taylor , liilii080 , DeliciousSurprise , Darling Jen , darthkitt3n , onehotmomma , KnK , Noira Celestia , toxie m , link82 , eggiweg , Stagger13 , GirlOnGirl , lacybutton , friendswithfangs , mdnght , spiced
19  (22%)
Other.
Total votes: 87
Poll is closed
06/28/2011
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ToyBoy ToyBoy
This is one of the many reasons I prefer to be friends with someone before getting in a relationship with them. That way you would already know their stance on these issues. If you do not have a previous friendship with them, I don't discuss those topics because it can cause a date to be really awkward and uncomfortable. It makes it seem like you are interrogating them and that is not the way to start out a relationship. I wait until I get to know them and it becomes clear we are going to be serious and are going somewhere before having an disagreement.
06/28/2011
Coralbell Coralbell
It's not like I would make sure they knew all my beliefs on the first date, but when the subject came up I would definitely share. If there is a conflict that's big enough to be a deal breaker I'd want to know about it before I got too involved.
06/28/2011
Ansley Ansley
How's that working for you?
06/28/2011
Elnoa Elnoa
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
How's that working for you?
It's working great, I just got married! I've been completely honest from the beginning. I've been told it ruins the romance (lol), but I am too practical to be bothered, I think! :3
06/28/2011
Sinfully Sinfully
I'm always honest. If people don't like that about me then they don't have to hang out with me again.
06/28/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Elnoa
It's working great, I just got married! I've been completely honest from the beginning. I've been told it ruins the romance (lol), but I am too practical to be bothered, I think! :3
Congratulations!

I think it's all in how it's delivered, honestly. I tend to let things come up naturally. Then again, I haven't dated in fourteen years.
06/28/2011
Shellz31 Shellz31
It depends for me. Mostly, I'm upfront but there are some subjects where I'll be more careful with (usually things that don't really matter if we have a different opinion).
Important things should be discussed early on, but unless I thought things were definitely going to become serious, I don't see the point to spouting all. It more than likely wouldn't happen on the first few dates - especially if I didn't know the person beforehand.
06/28/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Elnoa
I find that I prefer to be honest and upfront about my beliefs and things I feel strongly about (gender relations, views on marriage/abortion/chil dren, family involvement, etc) with potential partners rather than playing coy the first few dates. ... More
Honestly, I'm not going to go on a date and go on a rant about how I feel about gender issues, women's rights, abortions, whether I want children or not (Way One on how to lose a man; talk about having kids on the first few dates) etc.

I like things to develop naturally. There is no reason to "express my opinions" about everything right away. Dating is (was, as I am married) about more than how I feel about things, or trying to get my "expectations&quo t; fulfilled. Dating isn't just about what I want or how I feel about things. Most people are uncomfortable being confronted with controversial subjects when they really just want to get to know someone's personality and have fun.

My Man and my relationship developed organically. Things were dealt with as they came about. The only thing we discussed before hand, that I can remember is what would happen if I got pregnant. (We agreed on what to do.) Later, MUCH later, when we were pretty sure we were going to stay together forever and the Open Relationship phase was over, we talked about having kids etc.

Really, I think dating should be FUN in the first few months. Why spoil it with detailed discussions or worse, lectures about controversial subjects?

I'd save these things for when the relationship becomes serious, and then they should come up by themselves. Nobody likes to be confronted with "expectations" in the early phases of a relationship. Really.
06/28/2011
liilii080 liilii080
I think I prefer to tell some of my views but not too much. I want to be real and upfront but not over zealous or self righteous. And sometimes it just helps to get to know someone well before getting in to that.
06/28/2011
Elnoa Elnoa
I am always curious about these things, because I guess I have kind a different approach to dating and relationships than most people! I never really liked dating for the sake of dating, and I have never found it very fun. I generally only "date" for the express purpose of developing a partnership. When I was younger and took a more traditional approach, I ended up with a lot of people who generally ran into serious conflict with my views, things which I won't reconcile on their behalf. This lead me to the process of being frank and clear about my expectations, rather than wasting my time! It's served me well!

Of course, I don't believe there is a right OR wrong way to approach a relationship, if all participants are happy, and I believe, honest with each other. And that it why I asked the question. :3

I KNOW many people don't want to be confronted with big issues! It's just, those aren't the people I ever wanted to date. :3
06/28/2011
Liz2 Liz2
I try not to deceive but I would never meet someone and recite my total life philosophy, likes and dislikes. I always want to be open to the engagement....most things come out soon enough without a recital.
I would be totally put off, if someone approached me with this agenda...I would probably run.....
06/28/2011
Elnoa Elnoa
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
I try not to deceive but I would never meet someone and recite my total life philosophy, likes and dislikes. I always want to be open to the engagement....most things come out soon enough without a recital.
I would be totally put off, if someone ... More
I think the confusion with what I'm saying is context. I never accept dates from people I don't know in some way: as in, I just meet them randomly on the street or at the coffee shop. I have only ever dated people who were friends of a close friend (and the close friend had some idea of their leanings) or met through social groups (which share common interests), and also online dating, where people tend to give some indication of their philosophy before you ever meet them (I always ignored the ones that were too noncommittal, bland, or vague). Of course, if I met someone on the street and started talking to them about abortion rights, they would run away (unless they completely agreed), and I would expect that!

I guess, since I kind of don't like dealing with people in the first place, I only ever wanted to enter into a potential relationship with very likeminded people! :3
06/28/2011
MJ1337 MJ1337
If the relationship is important to you, then honesty is important. Having skeletons in your closet eats away at you... plus when you accidentally slip about it later, it might be worse than had you just been honest to begin with.
06/29/2011
ac0313 ac0313
Honesty is the best policy. That does not mean you need to spill your guts immediately, however. Just make sure you are truthful in your responses and you do not hold in your feelings when something bothers you. It took me 24 years and a fialed marraige to understand this...my current relationship is more honest and open than I thought possible!
06/29/2011
CAKES CAKES
Honesty is definitely best. I wouldn't want to be getting serious and then find out they have different opinions than I thought.
06/29/2011
IrishLassie IrishLassie
I think it important to be honest with yourself and your beliefs. Do you have to give your whole life story and talk about getting serious and the future right away? NO. I think it's silly to lie to someone just to impress them. If you are honest with/about yourself and they decide they dont want to continue with the relationship, then it their loss. I also find it important to know how someone stands on a few core beliefs to know if you jibe with someone. Like for me, spirituality is important. We dont have to have exactly the same beliefs but a least agree on something and you know this unless you are honest. But thats in my opinion.
06/29/2011
Diabolical Kitty Diabolical Kitty
I feel if I can't be honest from day one, then I'll never be completely honest with someone. If you're only dating, then why hide things. You're not long term and it lets you know if things are really ever going to work long term.
07/01/2011
M.H1 M.H1
Im honest 100% of the time. I wouldnt like being lied to.
07/04/2011
salaciousrex salaciousrex
I feel like you should definitely be honest with someone right from the get-go. I always am. Nobody should try to hold anything back. I'd hate it if someone hid something or lied to me, and I don't want to do the same to someone.
07/04/2011
KnK KnK
Quote:
Originally posted by Elnoa
I find that I prefer to be honest and upfront about my beliefs and things I feel strongly about (gender relations, views on marriage/abortion/chil dren, family involvement, etc) with potential partners rather than playing coy the first few dates. ... More
I'm usually pretty upfront, but I think I scare men away...

Or if I accidentally blab that I review sex toys (which sometimes happens when I discuss feminism...), they think I'm a wanton sex fiend who's just looking for a good fuck. I like fooling around, but that's not all I'm looking for...

Oh yeah, and abortion is a big no-no unless I ease my way into that one.
07/05/2011
Noira Celestia Noira Celestia
Hmm... I'm open about my beliefs but I typically would let them come out naturally, but I don't think I ever really did the dating thing, usually I was friends with someone and then suddenly had something click. So typically we already knew those things about each other.
07/05/2011
link82 link82
While I do believe that honesty is the best policy, for me, there are a few subjects that don't need to be discussed until further into the relationship or until the issue comes up.
08/15/2011
McTavishes McTavishes
It's so much easier to talk about if you talk about it at the very beginning. Best to have sink-or-swim honesty from the beginning and let them decide, because introducing it later on can be awkward.
12/12/2011
bunnygrl bunnygrl
Quote:
Originally posted by McTavishes
It's so much easier to talk about if you talk about it at the very beginning. Best to have sink-or-swim honesty from the beginning and let them decide, because introducing it later on can be awkward.
I agree with this =]
12/15/2011
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
Unless you met on a dating website in which someone can screen out undesireable behaviors/beliefs, then I would avoid proclaiming them like a sidewalk prophet on the first date. I think it would send the wrong message. Personal beliefs should come up naturally in coversation over the course of the first few dates. Don't avoid saying what you belief or what you do though, they will have to decide whether they are going to love you as you are or not. Plus, don't exclude potentially great people just because of their beliefs either. Most people don't keep their exact beliefs constant over the course of their entire lives either. The two of you will probably change together over your lives.
12/15/2011
thisisadeletedaccount thisisadeletedaccount
I am generally friends with people before I date them, so my beliefs come up in a non-datey context before we ever try going out.
05/29/2012
edenguy edenguy
Quote:
Originally posted by Elnoa
I find that I prefer to be honest and upfront about my beliefs and things I feel strongly about (gender relations, views on marriage/abortion/chil dren, family involvement, etc) with potential partners rather than playing coy the first few dates. ... More
I always liked honesty. Wishy-washing talk-about-weather dates are boring anyway
10/11/2012
butts butts
From experience... honesty is the best, no matter what.
10/11/2012
LoooveMonkey LoooveMonkey
I tell people the truth about EVERYTHING. I don't care if they end up liking me or not. At least I know the ones who do like me like me for exactly who I am and nothing else.
10/11/2012
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