Should I gloss over my history at first as to not scare men away?

Rhazya Rhazya
I've had a total of three boyfriends. Two were barely worthy of the name, as they were guys that hung around school with me in high school. The first one became a stalker. The second one was manipulative to the extent he would try to force me to go where he wanted, kiss him/touch him.

The last boyfriend was in college, who was mostly long distance. this was a few years back.

I have been raped twice, both occasions (two different people) were over four years ago.

I have never completely successfully had penetrative sex in which I was a willing participant.

Right now I'm not a catch. I live in my parent's basement, and I owe so much in student loans that eats up nearly everything I make at my job.

I haven't been dating, and not really interested at the moment while I'm in my parent's basement.

I'm just worried if I ever do break free of my student loan repayment slavery.. and do put myself out there...

How do I say I have next to no dating experience and little sexual experience without scaring a man away or attracting a man who will abuse me and take advantage of me?
03/15/2013
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Rhazya
I've had a total of three boyfriends. Two were barely worthy of the name, as they were guys that hung around school with me in high school. The first one became a stalker. The second one was manipulative to the extent he would try to force me to ... More
You simply act as honestly as you can without being a victim! Be very aware of how you are choosing people to date and possibly get some help dealing with the emotional issues surrounding rape and victimization. This will help you to be able to dodge predators and build your own strength so you can be the sort of person who will be attractive to a man who is wanting to treat you the way you want, and deserve, to be treated.

Since you aren't exactly looking to find a partner right now perhaps you can use the time to work on yourself. There are so many resources on the net, in the library, and in your community to help you to better understand what drives you to choose abusive people to befriend and eventually date.

If you can build your inner strength and be a strong, calm and assertive person you will frighten off predators looking for an easy mark. Then the issue of your past can come out when you choose and how ever it feels comfortable for you. Besides, the kind of man you are looking for won't be scared off by relatively little experience...he'll be empowered to make your experiences with him the best you will ever have!
03/15/2013
spiced spiced
I'm sorry you had those experiences. You didn't deserve that.

I like Airen Wolf's answers. Counseling could be a good way to deal with what you've been through and to learn strategies for the future. Ask your doctor.

I've always found the best way to meet people I'll get along with is to simply do the things I enjoy doing. In my case, it's hiking and other outdoor sports; whatever it is for you, participating with a group can be a safe way to meet, and get to know, like-minded people. I've always just let relationships find me, rather than looking for them. In my experience, that's what works best.

As far as "honesty", of course you don't want to LIE, but there's no need to offer full disclosure to everyone. Keeping things on a "need-to-know" basis is a good policy for anything personal, I've always found. There's no good reason, IMO, for a person you're thinking of dating to know how many partners you have had or haven't had, or what happened between you and them. When you do meet the right person, and get close enough to him that you feel comfortable and safe sharing these things, then you can share. If you want to. Until then, nobody needs to know but you, and perhaps your therapist/counselor.
03/15/2013
spunkmonkey spunkmonkey
I would be honest from the start.
03/15/2013
js250 js250
Great advice!! I wish you the best in your search to empower yourself. It is not easy to start, but once you have made a couple steps--you will feel much better about yourself.

I am guessing this is not all relationship related. You sound frustrated and also very isolated/insecure and have a low esteem from your situation. You are not the only one that has had to move back in with relatives due to student loan debts. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of about living in the basement and paying your bills!! For starters, be proud you are being responsible and paying the debts!! Also for getting the education--it is too easy to take the easy way out and slough off college and paying your bills. My respect!!

As for the relationship, take it slow. Make male friends first--then go from there. I am not talking the creepy ones from High school, but true friends. Your female friends may be able to help on this one to get nice and decent guys that share your interests.

If you need to talk, message me--I am here for you and share alot of your story. (Way back when-but still remember it.
03/15/2013
Chilipepper Chilipepper
After having read your post and mulled it a bit, I can partially identify - though I've never been sexually assaulted, I'm in my mid-30's and actually have had EXTREMELY little experience before my current love. I've gotten flack for it from the immature guys I've dated since my divorce (oh, and my marriage was celibate, too), but the higher quality guys will be understanding and patient when you do get to the point of being physically intimate. Any guy that isn't is just in it for himself.

In the meantime, I really do agree with Airen that you should seek out therapy to help yourself heal and eventually attract emotionally healthy safe men. It really does work, as those immature asses I dated were before I began working through my crap, and I've been attracting more stable men as I work on it.

Be kind to yourself, take your time to work on you and your situation. Things will improve.
03/15/2013
FieryRed FieryRed
Okay...I need a "like" button for a lot of these posts. Rhazya, I was once in a very similar position to where you are now. I'm wondering, what was your childhood like? Perhaps there was some physical abuse going on? Perhaps, like me, you weren't physically abused, but were emotionally abused by a parent or other person in your life? (This would include name-calling, frequent angry outbursts, overly harsh punishments such as destruction of your favorite things, etc.).

The man I married, at 27, was not really a bad guy, but he did talk me into doing sexual things I really didn't want to do. I blamed myself at the time for not being firm about my own desires, but he should have respected my boundaries and not pushed. I began drinking a lot, and we fought a lot. At 30, I realized I was more than just "bicurious" and left my husband, began dating women...and my first serious girlfriend was extremely emotionally abusive, AND verbally bullied and manipulated me into doing sexual thinks that I didn't want to do and/or were painful for me, and it turned out that she had paranoid schizophrenia. Wow, did I know how to pick 'em!

That relationship taught me a LOT about myself and who I wanted to be with, however, and after the break-up I went back to college (which was great for my self-esteem all by itself) and got some confirmation/validatio n of my conclusions in my psychology classes. I started paying attention to red flags when I dated someone, respecting my own comfort levels and boundaries, and ended a two-month dating relationship when she started acting jealous and tried to talk me into seeing her when I felt like having an evening alone. I then took a year off from dating, and just spent time making myself happy.

Now, finally, at almost 38, I'm in a healthy relationship with an amazing woman who is supportive, sweet, and respectful of my wants and needs. So, baby steps! As others have suggested, don't worry about dating for a while. Try to focus on developing your own interests, as that will improve your self-esteem and value in your own eyes.

Finding an understanding therapist with whom you feel comfortable would be a big help, as well. And I want to point out that, though you may not think much of yourself right now, I can see several very positive things about you just from your post here. You are educated (or you wouldn't have student loans to pay back!); you are responsible (or you wouldn't be paying those loans!); you write clearly and articulately, and are obviously intelligent; you're self-aware and self-analytical; and you took the initiative to post here in search of advice. There is a powerful woman inside you, and you will learn to trust that.
03/15/2013
Hazeleyes2012 Hazeleyes2012
Honesty go slow.... Be honest! Little steps...
03/15/2013
never shy never shy
A lot of guys like girls without of lot of dating or sexual experience what guy wants to marry a girl that sleeps with so many people they can't count. Just tell them you don't have much Experience I just wouldn't tell them everything upfront unless you see yourself being together for a long time I just think it would hurt to tell someone something that sensitive for it to only last a few days or weeks.
03/15/2013
jennifur77 jennifur77
Honesty is always the best policy. Also imagine if you start dating someone, lie about your past, then have to tell that person you lied. Not a good start to the relationship.
03/16/2013
KinkyKatieJames KinkyKatieJames
I agree with everyone that you should be honest. Don't spit everything out at once. I have been raped and I told my boyfriend before we got serious. He was so supportive of it and actually helped me work through it.

Wishing you the best!
03/18/2013
doowop doowop
I agree, go slow. And if someone is overwhelmed by what you've been through then they aren't worth it. You wouldn't want to date someone who would be scared off by these things anyway.
04/05/2013
Noelle Noelle
I think if you start as friends, you should be honest before it leads to a relationship. If it becomes a relationship right away, be honest before being intimate. Don't be afraid, if he can't accept it, he isn't worth it.
04/05/2013
FieryRed FieryRed
Quote:
Originally posted by never shy
A lot of guys like girls without of lot of dating or sexual experience what guy wants to marry a girl that sleeps with so many people they can't count. Just tell them you don't have much Experience I just wouldn't tell them everything ... More
"...what guy wants to marry a girl that sleeps with so many people they can't count."

Um...what? Never Shy, I had gotten the impression that most of the members here were sex-positive, and not into slut-shaming. There are plenty of men who don't use the number of past sex partners a woman has had as a deciding factor in whether to date or marry her--just as many women don't care how many sex partners a man (or woman) has had.
04/08/2013
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by never shy
A lot of guys like girls without of lot of dating or sexual experience what guy wants to marry a girl that sleeps with so many people they can't count. Just tell them you don't have much Experience I just wouldn't tell them everything ... More
Er... this might not have been your intention, but your comment was somewhat unkind. Especially saying "what guy wants to marry a girl that sleeps with so many people they can't count" to someone who is not only uneasy about her past to begin with, but also has not had an especially large number of partners.

And like FieryRed said, worthwhile men (or anyone worthwhile) don't use your number of past sexual partners against you.
04/14/2013
Rhazya Rhazya
Re-visiting this topic again. My life situation is still the same unfortunately. Would just like to get more feedback again
Jul 21, 12:18 pm
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 14