I'm afraid I might be getting my hopes up...

Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Okay, this is basically "Rin's nervous and needs to get stuff off her chest via long forum post" time, so bear with me.

There's a guy I've known since at least seventh grade (most of my childhood is either blacked out or extremely blurry, but I'm certain I've known him longer) and he's always been a good friend. Even back when I was basically a pariah in school, he was one of the few who was nice to me. We went on one or two dates back in tenth grade, but my own shyness and insecurity caused it to just kind of fade away, and I've always felt guilty about that.

He kept in touch with me through (of all things) private messages through our Youtube accounts, and I always heard from him at least once every few months - it was always him initiating these little conversations, never the other way around. A few weeks ago I took a much bolder step than I've ever taken, and messaged him and invited him to come see me at work. And just last week, he did! And tomorrow evening I'm going to his place for dinner!

My trouble is, as happy as I am, my old nervousness is coming back and biting me hard. He was very clearly into me back then, but I'm not sure about now. I'd be happy, so very happy, simply to reconnect with an old friend but at the same time my long-term loneliness keeps nudging me towards hoping for more. But I've only ever dated two other times aside from him, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing the same thing I always do: getting uncomfortable and shying away.

It's just... GAH! I don't know what to think! I know what I'm hoping for, but I don't know if I should, and when I let myself hope, I start to worry soon after!

I'm not really asking for advice (though any will certainly be appreciated). If you guys just read this and moved on, I'm grateful even for that. I just really, really don't know how I should be feeling and if anyone's got a kind word, please send it my way.
04/26/2012
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Zombirella Zombirella
Life and love is about taking chances. How are you ever going to make that connection with someone if you never let anyone get close enough to you? If you believe in love and want that type of relationship then I think it would be worth the risk. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but that doesn't mean you are a failure, you just didn't find the right person and gotta do more searching. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

First dates are usually always nerve racking. You just have to be yourself and be true and relax. Be who you are and if someone doesn't like it, to hell with them because someone else will. It's perfectly normal to hope things go further than just friends sometimes stuff like that takes time and sometimes it happens sooner than expected.
04/26/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Bring the wine.

In all seriousness, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Try not to have too many expectations, and remain open.

*hugs* Good luck, Rin.
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Thanks, Zombirella and Chilipepper. I should know that what I'm feeling is normal, but having dated so few times, so far between, it's difficult to keep that kind of thing in mind. I'm just so damn used to being single.
04/26/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
Thanks, Zombirella and Chilipepper. I should know that what I'm feeling is normal, but having dated so few times, so far between, it's difficult to keep that kind of thing in mind. I'm just so damn used to being single.
I know how heady it can be - I've dated very little as well (despite having been married) and the POSSIBILITIES just sort of overwhelm any kind of realistic expectations you try to have.

Face it and don't let it scare you off.
04/26/2012
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Nervousness is a side effect of over thinking things. I know it's hard not to do it, but the best way to avoid it is to focus on what's happening right in the present moment. Not what's in your head, but what's around you. Appreciate what you have, and just for what it is. Don't think about what has been or what might be. Think about now. Also, playing the fortune teller, as in "This just isn't going to work." isn't really a productive way of thinking and is self-defeating. Let things unfold naturally and don't expect anything good or bad to happen. Expectations pretty much always lead to disappointment, too, because things never really happen the way we imagine they will.

For now, just appreciate the little things he's doing now. Don't make too much of a big deal or stress over anything. Don't think of those things as "signs" that he either does or doesn't like you.

I used to be far worse than you and end up making myself a total nervous wreck, and it's really hard to be in the present moment and enjoy things when your head is running a million miles an hour.
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Nervousness is a side effect of over thinking things. I know it's hard not to do it, but the best way to avoid it is to focus on what's happening right in the present moment. Not what's in your head, but what's around you. Appreciate ... More
It's hard to imagine someone being worse than me. But you make a good point, and it helped me calm down a bit, so thank you very much for that.
04/26/2012
js250 js250
Value the friendship, appreciate the moments and try to relax. If there is something special, it will happen with or without your nervousness. Try being blunt--say I am so nervous, used to being single and am not sure how these things are supposed to go. Laugh a little and just go with it, let everything unfold naturally. The more you overthink, the more you will doubt.You do not need the doubt. Instead, picture it going perfectly, time and time and time again until you believe it.
04/26/2012
Antipova Antipova
Have a fun evening making dinner with him!

I think Dawn did a good job outlining a few tips for not being nervous at the time, and I'd like to say the same thing for the bigger picture.

In the first place, don't even worry too much about "what is our potential future?" Just go, have dinner, without putting yourself under pressure. You'd have dinner with other friends without worrying too much, right?

Just pay attention to yourself and see if you're having fun with him.

A tip that I've discovered---usually, if I'm feeling nervous about myself in a social situation, I'll start asking the other person questions to get them talking. Lots of people like to talk and share, and by putting the focus on them, I'm both removing the focus from myself a little bit, and giving them a way to relate to me. And if the person and I get along, usually the conversation will flow well enough that I'll be spurred by what they're talking about. But what I mean is---if you're feeling anxious---odds are, so is he. Focus on alleviating his anxiety and you'll find things naturally fall into place.

Um, so this joke my dad always used to tell:

The boy didn't want to go to the county dance. He wasn't sure how to dance and none of the girls liked him and none of the girls would *ever* like him, most of all because he had lost an eye and his family couldn't afford a glass replacement, so he had a wooden eye. He was really ashamed of himself and how he looked so he wasn't going to go to the dance. But his mother told him, "There are just as many girls who are going to the dance who are going to be just dying for attention, feeling like nobody thinks they're attractive because there aren't enough boys there to ask everyone to dance. So even if you don't think you're handsome, I can guarantee that the girl that you ask to dance will be grateful you came."

So the boy gets up his gumption and goes to the dance. And he stands on the wall for a little while, and sure enough, he sees that his mom was right---lots of couples are dancing, but there are also a few girls just sitting on the edge of the hall, digging their toes into the ground and looking at everyone's shoes. So the boy decides to go up to the one closest to his side of the hall, and when he goes up to her he sees that she's trying to hide one side of her head. She has a cauliflower ear. The boy thinks "Oh, I can ask her to dance for sure!" And so he asks her "Hi, I hope I'm not interrupting, but would you like to dance?"

She stands up, beaming, and says "Would I? Would I?---

but before she can finish with "I'd love to!"

he shouts at her "Big ear! Big ear!"

and runs out of the hall.
04/26/2012
KrazyKandy KrazyKandy
Don't let shyness get in the way. He just might be the one!!
04/26/2012
RonLee RonLee
Good for you Rin, overcome that shyness, YOU CAN.
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Value the friendship, appreciate the moments and try to relax. If there is something special, it will happen with or without your nervousness. Try being blunt--say I am so nervous, used to being single and am not sure how these things are supposed to ... More
Picturing it going well has been what's been keeping me from backing out again. Even just having my old friend back would be so nice.
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Have a fun evening making dinner with him!

I think Dawn did a good job outlining a few tips for not being nervous at the time, and I'd like to say the same thing for the bigger picture.

In the first place, don't even worry too ... More
Huh. That's actually a really good idea - asking him questions like that. Though I always sound so lame when I ask about stuff.

Also: BAD FALSE EYE BOY! You ought to have more compassion!
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by KrazyKandy
Don't let shyness get in the way. He just might be the one!!
Haha that might be a bit far to say right now, but it's a really nice thought.
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by RonLee
Good for you Rin, overcome that shyness, YOU CAN.
Aw, thanks! It's funny, though: your comment made me realize that in the past, I never really hoped a whole lot when I dated. I got excited and was happy that there was interest in me, but I didn't really look forward to any of it in the way I am with this one. Just the fact that I'm thinking about it more deeply than I have before might be a sign that I'm getting better with my shyness. Like, I'm finally ready to really try, even if I'm worried about the outcome.
04/26/2012
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
Huh. That's actually a really good idea - asking him questions like that. Though I always sound so lame when I ask about stuff.

Also: BAD FALSE EYE BOY! You ought to have more compassion!
Aah! I have never told this joke by text before. Even though she was saying "Would I? [I'd love to!]", he heard "Wood-eye! Wood-eye!" and got defensive.

Point is, your insecurities are probably not the biggest thing on your date's mind! In fact, probably the opposite!
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Aah! I have never told this joke by text before. Even though she was saying "Would I? [I'd love to!]", he heard "Wood-eye! Wood-eye!" and got defensive.

Point is, your insecurities are probably not the biggest thing on ... More
Oh dang, punchline, don't fly over my head like that!
04/26/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Update, ya'll: Poor chap got held up at work for almost four hours. This is why I pity EMTs - the hours are brutal! So we're rain checking. I'm considerably calmer, and I'm going to try and not wind myself up again whenever we figure out when we're going to try again.

Thanks so much for all the support and advice, guys. You're all awesome!
04/27/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Sorry for the postponement. Good side is that you got most of it out of your system!
04/27/2012
hro789 hro789
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
Okay, this is basically "Rin's nervous and needs to get stuff off her chest via long forum post" time, so bear with me.

There's a guy I've known since at least seventh grade (most of my childhood is either blacked out ... More
Well obviously both of you have the same feelings for one another so with that you can relax just try and not over think things (easier said than done) cause when you start to do that things start going wrong, at this point just let things happen naturally and everything should turn out just fine.
05/14/2012
VelvetDragon VelvetDragon
How's it been going?

I totally understand where you're coming from. I am totally the "shying away" type. My suggestion is to take it very very slow and only do what you're comfortable with, don't push yourself too hard, and hopefully you'll both be patient with yourselves!
05/14/2012
31 Flavors 31 Flavors
Quote:
Originally posted by Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Nervousness is a side effect of over thinking things. I know it's hard not to do it, but the best way to avoid it is to focus on what's happening right in the present moment. Not what's in your head, but what's around you. Appreciate ... More
Great answer!
05/14/2012
31 Flavors 31 Flavors
Relax and enjoy the moment.
05/14/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by VelvetDragon
How's it been going?

I totally understand where you're coming from. I am totally the "shying away" type. My suggestion is to take it very very slow and only do what you're comfortable with, don't push yourself too ... More
So far, I haven't seen him again. We've sent a few emails back and forth, though I'm always the one initiating the conversations. I'm trying not to bombard him - if there's anything I can't stand being, it's a nuisance.

I'm going to keep up with the occasional emails, and see if anything comes of it.
05/14/2012
VelvetDragon VelvetDragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
So far, I haven't seen him again. We've sent a few emails back and forth, though I'm always the one initiating the conversations. I'm trying not to bombard him - if there's anything I can't stand being, it's a ... More
I understand, but I don't think you'd be a nuisance just messaging him! Good luck!
05/15/2012
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Rin (aka Nire)
So far, I haven't seen him again. We've sent a few emails back and forth, though I'm always the one initiating the conversations. I'm trying not to bombard him - if there's anything I can't stand being, it's a ... More
All my best too!
05/15/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Oh hey an update!

Finally got around to seeing him, and shall be seeing him more. We hit it off nicely and, at least so far, I don't feel so worried or insecure as I did with the other few I've dated. I'm actually looking forward to seeing him again, whereas with the others I never really felt excited about our dates - I would instead feel anxious or just kind of "meh" about them. To me, the fact that I truly want to meet up again is an amazingly good sign.

Thanks so much for all the love and support, everyone! It might have taken a little bit, but things are finally looking up.
08/27/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
That's definitely promising! More luck and best wishes on the continued blossoming of this!
08/27/2012
Rin (aka Nire) Rin (aka Nire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
That's definitely promising! More luck and best wishes on the continued blossoming of this!
Many thanks! I've got to admit, I've been happy and glowy pretty much all day. Here's to hoping for the best!
08/27/2012
Total posts: 29
Unique posters: 11