Jealousy (non-poly,non-open relationships)

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Jealousy (non-poly,non-open relationships)

wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
I tried searching the forums to see if there was anything like this already, but mostly all I found was for those in our community who are in poly relationships.

I'm in a non-open relationship with my girlfriend and time and time again the green devil has rooted itself in me. There have been times when I've even been so bad to get jealous or upset that she goes out to eat with her family without me or out to wal mart without me. It's actually really, really embarrassing to admit this, even though none of you know me in real life.

Today, I got jealous over the fact that her mother has the ability to take off work at the last minute to go with her for her health re-evaluation (retired/disabled military vet, she is) and I more than likely will not be able to. She doesn't know when she is going to have to go, and she will more than likely only be told a few days before. She invited me along months ago (I actually forgot), but pointed out that since I work in retail, asking off at the last minute is nearly impossible. And I got really hurt over that.

I can really only blame that on my jealousy. I don't know why it hits me so hard, and I am at a total loss as to how to control it. I'm only like this when it comes to my girlfriend. It really frustrates her, and I can't seem to cut the habit.

I am seeking some serious advice. Also, any anecdotes you have to share would be appreciated to, I like reading about other peoples' lives.
01/25/2012
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mistressg mistressg
I'll be interested to see anything in response to this, being that I know I struggle with this at times as well.
01/25/2012
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by mistressg
I'll be interested to see anything in response to this, being that I know I struggle with this at times as well.
Hopefully we'll get something insightful to this.


Something for me to add: I know that a lot of times, the way I react comes out as jealousy, but in my head (that makes me sound crazy), I know that it's not necessarily jealousy of the particular person but of the action or situation. Does that make any sense?
01/25/2012
Madsinner Madsinner
I get jealous super easily but me and Mike are monogamous so he knows not to mess around. He actually doesn't jealous at all.
01/26/2012
Rossie Rossie
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
I tried searching the forums to see if there was anything like this already, but mostly all I found was for those in our community who are in poly relationships.

I'm in a non-open relationship with my girlfriend and time and time again ...
In my opinion, every person has a certain degree of jealousy in them. It happens more often to couples with newly developed relationships, and probably becomes worse when mutuality is established, but will slowly fade over time. Your girlfriend didn't ask you to accompany her to her health re-evaluation, because she is being thoughtful and don't want to mess up your work schedule, you should change your mindset and be happy she is such an unselfish person.
01/26/2012
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Rossie
In my opinion, every person has a certain degree of jealousy in them. It happens more often to couples with newly developed relationships, and probably becomes worse when mutuality is established, but will slowly fade over time. Your girlfriend ...
This makes sense.

The one thing I've found with jealousy is that it isn't logical. When you find yourself getting jealous, try to figure out why you're feeling that way...logically.

If it boils down to the same thing over and over, there could be a real issue that needs to be addressed. If you can't come up with a logical reason for being jealous, work on letting it go. Few things can drive a partner away like misguided jealousy, because it turns into trust issues.

See: Slippery slope
01/26/2012
Badass Badass
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
I tried searching the forums to see if there was anything like this already, but mostly all I found was for those in our community who are in poly relationships.

I'm in a non-open relationship with my girlfriend and time and time again ...
We are territorial creatures.. I am often baffled how the polyamourus do it.. I could never handle my jealousy in a situation like that.
01/27/2012
Ansley Ansley
If I recall correctly in another one of your comments from God knows when, didn't you say that this is the first time she's ever been in a girl-girl relationship?

I think deep down you might be afraid that she doesn't care for you the way you care for her and it's rocking your world whenever she steps out without you. It's just a guess based on my initial question to you.
01/27/2012
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
If I recall correctly in another one of your comments from God knows when, didn't you say that this is the first time she's ever been in a girl-girl relationship?

I think deep down you might be afraid that she doesn't care for you ...
It's actually the first time that *I* have ever been in a girl-girl relationship. She's had one actual girl-girl relationship before me and slept with countless other girls.

I think that makes a lot of sense, sometimes I am afraid that I feel a lot more for her than she does for me.

And Rossie, you make a very, very good point. She is an insanely unselfish person and I think working to change my mindset will help out so much in our relationship.

You're right, JR, I should try to figure out logically what's getting me all worked up and jealous and if I come to the same conclusion, then it is an issue, but if it's something different, then it could just be situational.
01/28/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
It's actually the first time that *I* have ever been in a girl-girl relationship. She's had one actual girl-girl relationship before me and slept with countless other girls.

I think that makes a lot of sense, sometimes I am afraid ...
Ah, now we're getting somewhere! You're just a big jumble of mixed emotions. and it's understandable because it's all new to you. But you need to talk to her about them in a calm and rational way. Use "I" statements, tell her what your ideal relationship is and then go from there. Just opening the line of communication will help you feel more in the loop about things.

As far as the doctor issue---she did tell you it was coming up, you did know that it was going to be last minute and you should have talked to your manager about the chances of being able to get off at the last second to go with her when it was first mentioned. Regardless of what your manager would have said, you both would have had your answers and neither one of you would be in this position.
01/28/2012
SexyStuff SexyStuff
Not sure what to say to help, but I know how hard this can be. It also seems to be self-destructive cause it can push the other person away and make them feel smothered, which increases the jealousy and the cycle continues.

One way to get your mind off your troubles is to help someone else. Is there a food bank or soup kitchen you could go volunteer with? Sounds weird, but it would be something you are doing on your own so you still have your identity and independence (although of course you could invite her if she'd like), and it would help you get your mind off things.
01/28/2012
Rossie Rossie
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
It's actually the first time that *I* have ever been in a girl-girl relationship. She's had one actual girl-girl relationship before me and slept with countless other girls.

I think that makes a lot of sense, sometimes I am afraid ...
I'm glad you're open to our suggestions, hope your relationship will grow stronger each day!
01/28/2012
wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Rossie
I'm glad you're open to our suggestions, hope your relationship will grow stronger each day!
I'm open to just about anything that will improve me, the people around me, my relationships, and my life. I'm just glad that people have actually taken the time to read my post and try to offer any help.
01/29/2012
RonLee RonLee
Jealousy is a relationship KILLER, try harder to overcome it, even if that takes getting professional help.
01/29/2012
Total posts: 14
Unique posters: 9