Silence After the First Date

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Silence After the First Date

Chilipepper Chilipepper
Okay, so as everyone knows, I hit it off pretty well with a guy I met at a dating site. He said he wants to continue seeing me and I know I want to continue seeing him, too. He also mentioned that he'd be busy because his work is having a lot of power shake-ups going on.

So, we had our date Friday evening (2/11/11) and I haven't heard a peep from him since (today is Wednesday, 2/16). I sent him messages about once or twice a day just to say 'hi' and 'I hope you're all right' and 'I miss talking with you'. I did leave one voice mail on his phone (saying I missed talking to him). I didn't message anything yesterday.

Still, nothing.

It has been suggested to me that he is busy and is too stressed from work to focus on a new relationship. I'm hoping that's it and my small messages haven't scared him off by appearing desperate. I never could figure out the dating games.

I NEVER dated before. My ex had proposed to me three days after we met online; he was also in constant contact with me during our 'courtship' (which translated into him smothering me in marriage). Is it normal for guys to be so focused on work and such that they won't even acknowledge people they just met? It would be polite to respond, though. Isn't it? Or am I just old-fashioned?

(It just occurred to me how sad this sounds coming from a 33-year-old woman.)
02/16/2011
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Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Okay, so as everyone knows, I hit it off pretty well with a guy I met at a dating site. He said he wants to continue seeing me and I know I want to continue seeing him, too. He also mentioned that he'd be busy because his work is having a lot of ...
First off, it's not sad! Lots of people never really date because they get married early. It happens!

Secondly, this one could go either way. It could be that he is absolutely completely swamped. It happens to all of us. But on the other hand, he could just be being a bit of...well, a jackass. Sometimes guys (and girls) don't call back because they think there's a number of days you need to wait, because they get freaked out by commitment, because they want to seem cool or aloof, or because they just aren't thinking. But if you just checking in to say hi scared him off, maybe it's better you find out that he simply doesn't deserve you now than later.

Unfortunately, without getting into his brain, there is no way to know until you hear from him... if I were you, I'd try and relax and maybe focus on something else, and if he doesn't come around, it is by far HIS LOSS!!!
02/16/2011
Mr. E Mr. E
I agree with Tori. It could go either way. If a few texts, scared him off, is it possible that he has something to hide?

If he doesn't come around, move on!

Good luck.
02/16/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
First off, it's not sad! Lots of people never really date because they get married early. It happens!

Secondly, this one could go either way. It could be that he is absolutely completely swamped. It happens to all of us. But on the ...
This exactly. You are an amazing woman and if he doesn't see that, then he's missing out.
02/16/2011
Chilipepper Chilipepper
So there's nothing I can do, the ball's in his court, right?

*sigh* No wonder I used to say "I'm SO glad I'm married." whenever I heard a dating friend talk about this stuff. Karma bit my ass.
02/16/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
hmm...give it time I guess. Focus on yourself and being back in school and I'm sure he'll come around in time.

Good luck!
02/16/2011
Darling Jen Darling Jen
I had been chatting online with a guy for weeks, waiting for him to come home from deployment to meet him and hang out. Once he made it home, he fell off the face of the earth and I haven't heard from him since. It royally pissed me off, actually. He maybe just wanted company while he was gone and now I'm not necessary anymore. Found someone like my ex that just got rid of me quicker. Bastard.

It's why I don't like the "talk online for a long time before meeting each other" thing. Cause it's easy to put it off and pretend it's not a real person on the other end. Better to meet as soon as you are comfortable to start the real connection.
02/16/2011
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
My biggest advice piece for those new to dating or now dating again is to take it slow, especially online. Only take it day by day and make the effort even. You should only put the same amount of effort in that he is and not much more in the beginning. If you put in the huge effort and he doesn't meet you with much, don't continue to waste your effort, it's his turn. It can scare him off and at the rate that you were messaging, it would do so for many friends I have talked to who use the same services. If you contacted him, wait for him to respond. In a day or two, use a different medium, if you emailed, then text, but after that, let it go. You are a wonderful girl and don't deserve to chase anyone who isn't putting in an effort too. If he said he wanted to see you again, trust that. Doubting his words about work and continuing to message him can read as distrusting to him which is not a good thing obviously. Confidence is sexy and being confident enough to sit back and go on with your sexy self shows that you are an independent woman.

But, unfortunately people are ruder now. Rude is the new normal. Far less people find it important to return calls, messages, not to inform if you are going to be late or not show up etc. I blame the internet and what Darling Jen said about people appearing less real. It would be polite to respond but now adays if you make a big stink about someone not responding, it may backfire on you. Right? No. Unfortunate and backwards? Yes.
02/16/2011
Bunnycups Bunnycups
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
First off, it's not sad! Lots of people never really date because they get married early. It happens!

Secondly, this one could go either way. It could be that he is absolutely completely swamped. It happens to all of us. But on the ...
^^ Ditto.

If he doesn't come around then he was never worth your time to begin with.
Good luck on the dating scene.
02/17/2011
zeebot zeebot
He could have lost his phone? Probably not though...I think at this point, it's his turn to get in touch with you if he wants to.
02/17/2011
Chilipepper Chilipepper
He defriended me at Facebook.

Excuse me, I'm going to go have a breakdown now.
02/17/2011
Kindred Kindred
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
He defriended me at Facebook.

Excuse me, I'm going to go have a breakdown now.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. But at least you found out sooner rather than later. There's nothing I can say to comfort you because I know how awful it feels. Please know that this community cares very much for you and in time you will find the right person.
02/17/2011
Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
He defriended me at Facebook.

Excuse me, I'm going to go have a breakdown now.
As I said on FB, there's no need to have a breakdown. You learned a valuable lesson. I agree with Lauren wholeheartedly. If he's not messaging you, don't message him. Let me decide whether or not to talk to you. Online is very finnicky, and very hit or miss.

Your heart was completely ready to start a new relationship and your eagerness probably startled him, since people who online date are very laid back.

You'll find somebody and until then we're here for you.
02/17/2011
Shellz31 Shellz31
Unfortunately most guys don't think or feel the same way some of us girls do. Things that we feel are important aren't so much to them. And a lot of guys prefer to do the chase so if you come on too strong with trying to make contact (fine to message him once and then leave it to him to respond), they can lose interest.
I'm affraid I tend to chase .... I find it somewhat of a turn off when a guy chases me too much.

It's easy for some to say just move on, but I know too well it's not all that black and white. Might be a breeze for some but some of us are more emotional.

There are a lot of dropkicks online - I have met a number of them. But sometimes ya will find a rose between the thorns. There are some great guys out here, unfortunately if you choose the net, ya have to weed out the assholes.
I know I never found any decent guys on dating sites. The ones I met up with were just left overs no one wanted. Sorry people, but it's true. Sure there may be some good ones but I didn't get to meet any.

I personally prefer to chat for awhile online before meeting anyone. I want to feel totally comfortable and want them to get to know me for me on here first. As much as I'm dying to meet my Master, I'm not rushing it.

My best advice when it comes to most guys - don't be too eager. Or at least don't show them that!
Totally sux that he deleted you.
Try not to let him get you down - but I understand how emotional it is!

(((HUGS)))
02/17/2011
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
He defriended me at Facebook.

Excuse me, I'm going to go have a breakdown now.
Then he loses out! And you escaped a rude, inconsiderate man with minimal time invested in finding it out. This means you have more of your life left to spend with the right person that WILL appreciate you!!!
02/17/2011
Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
Then he loses out! And you escaped a rude, inconsiderate man with minimal time invested in finding it out. This means you have more of your life left to spend with the right person that WILL appreciate you!!!
Totally agree with this.
02/17/2011
Liz2 Liz2
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
So there's nothing I can do, the ball's in his court, right?

*sigh* No wonder I used to say "I'm SO glad I'm married." whenever I heard a dating friend talk about this stuff. Karma bit my ass.
Relax and back way off. Yes, he may be busy but could be overwhelmed at the prospect of a relationship. Anyway, no one is too.. "busy" to leave a short message.
Above all, don't get down on yourself.
02/17/2011
Liz2 Liz2
I just read the recent posts; so sorry...always better to find out about the jerks earlier then later. Good luck Hun....
02/17/2011
Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
Then he loses out! And you escaped a rude, inconsiderate man with minimal time invested in finding it out. This means you have more of your life left to spend with the right person that WILL appreciate you!!!
Exactly! I understand feelings being hurt, cause I'm super sensitive and I would be too. But definitely don't mourn him because, hello, he's just another a-hole that wasn't worth it. Would you have wanted a guy like that to stick around long enough for you to become attached? Nope! You want a good man with an honest passion for you. And I think you're simply amazing so let yourself be pampered, picky, and lofty to all those guys out there who should be fighting over you!!!
02/17/2011
lordj2010 lordj2010
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
He defriended me at Facebook.

Excuse me, I'm going to go have a breakdown now.
well he took you off hsi friends list on face book so thats not a good sign
02/17/2011
Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
Exactly! I understand feelings being hurt, cause I'm super sensitive and I would be too. But definitely don't mourn him because, hello, he's just another a-hole that wasn't worth it. Would you have wanted a guy like that to stick ...
Yes, this exactly.

This twatwaffle is definitely not worth your time.

I'm sooo sorry this happened, but it is better to find out now than in a few years I think. I'm sending you lots of hugs
02/17/2011
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by lordj2010
well he took you off hsi friends list on face book so thats not a good sign
Wow, sensitive.


Listen hun, I am going to tell you the same thing that my uncle told me, and that guy has been married to my aunt for like 30 years.... no, more.... 40 maybe? Anyways, he once told me that if a guy really likes you, he will let you know it. He will be there if you need him, he will call because he wants to hear your voice, he will do whatever he can to take all of the pain away from you just to see a smile on your face. He will make sure that you know he is one of the good ones.

My advice to add on to that, is that you shouldn't be seeking a relationship right now. It's been a while, just try making some friends. Maybe you will meet a guy and your friendship will progress past that point and into a relationship. But it is honestly the best way to figure out if it will work between you. It will give you a better idea of what he is like in his day to day life, and how he treats those around him. If you cant be friends, you cant be anything else successfully.

I love ya, and I hope that you feel better soon. Sam's right, he is a TWATWAFFLE. Just be glad you weren't suckered into a relationship with a total douchebag.
02/17/2011
Airekah Airekah
Quote:
Originally posted by Bunnycups
^^ Ditto.

If he doesn't come around then he was never worth your time to begin with.
Good luck on the dating scene.
This is great advice.
02/17/2011
Airekah Airekah
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
He defriended me at Facebook.

Excuse me, I'm going to go have a breakdown now.
At least you weren't more attached when this happened. Just thank your lucky stars for that. Secondly, he is a total prick for at least not giving you an explanation of why he was ignoring you. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

I really believe there is someone out there for everyone and sometimes, we think we have something special and it turns into mud. I don't know you too well, but I do know that there is no one in the world that deserves to be unhappy. You will find the perfect guy, just brush it off and try again. =)
02/17/2011
liilii080 liilii080
It's better to know now that he is a jerk than to have wasted more time and figured it out later. You are smart, funny, loving, and have a lot to give. If he can't see that it's definitely his loss and it wasn't meant to be. Don't let him get to you because he's not worth your tears. Have a cup of tea, do something you enjoy, and stay positive. When the time is right, everything will come together.
02/17/2011
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Thank you, everyone. Apparently I fell harder than I thought because I'm still a mess. I'm going to try to spend the weekend with friends instead of staying cooped up in the house.

I'm currently not believing there's anyone 'out there' that wants me. I'm just so tired of the loneliness. I want to be held and loved, and I want to hold and love someone. For a long while today I regretted my divorce. My ex-husband may have been a bone idle slob without libido, but at least he cuddled me and I knew where I stood with him.

It's going to be a while until I try this again, and I don't think I'll use a dating site ever again.
02/17/2011
liilii080 liilii080
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Thank you, everyone. Apparently I fell harder than I thought because I'm still a mess. I'm going to try to spend the weekend with friends instead of staying cooped up in the house.

I'm currently not believing there's anyone ...
I don't know you well but I wish I could give you a hug. It is so hard to know you have so much to offer and being ready to give that to someone and feeling like no one recognizes that. Cliches and platitudes don't make you feel better in this situation either. I think you shouldn't say you'll never go back to online dating. It can really work but you have to go through a LOT of frogs to find a prince (and even then, sometimes he's still a frog). I think spending time with friends this weekend and taking a break from online dating is a good idea. They say when you aren't looking, something comes along. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and try not to dwell on it.
02/17/2011
Rockin' Rockin'
Quote:
Originally posted by liilii080
I don't know you well but I wish I could give you a hug. It is so hard to know you have so much to offer and being ready to give that to someone and feeling like no one recognizes that. Cliches and platitudes don't make you feel better in ...
^^I think this is good advice. While things look kinda bleak right now, I think taking a break from online dating would be better than swearing it off forever. You seemed really excited when you first started, and that was just two weeks ago. Things can change really quickly; these posts serve as a reminder of that in both directions (better and worse). Of course I don't know everything that happened between you and the guys you've talked with, but it was cool to see you all giddy and happy about getting to know new people. Spending some time with friends, relaxing, and taking some time for yourself are all good ways to rekindle that hope and energy it takes to get back out there if that's where you want to be.

And we're here for you along the way.

p.s. "They say when you aren't looking, something comes along." (from the post above) Yes! I never thought that was true, but I met my boy when I wasn't looking for a relationship. Love sometimes sneaks up on ya.
02/17/2011
Alys Alys
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Thank you, everyone. Apparently I fell harder than I thought because I'm still a mess. I'm going to try to spend the weekend with friends instead of staying cooped up in the house.

I'm currently not believing there's anyone ...
Sending you a major cyberhug (((hug))).... and I know you've heard it a lot, but he is obviously not worth your time! Hanging out with friends should help things feel better, and only you will know when you're ready to get back out there after this setback. We've got your back, here. Wishing you the best of luck in all your endeavors
02/17/2011
Vaccinium Vaccinium
I truly feel for you, Chilipepper. I wish there was something I could do for you. aside from sending my well-wishes.

Everyone else here is giving you great advice, and I don't really have much more to add. I kind of understand how you feel, in that I used to come on strong with women with respect to calling them repeatedly, making grand gestures at inopportune times (e.g., a dozen roses after a first date), etc. It took me a long time to learn how to, well, play hard to get. It was awfully hard because I wanted to be with someone so badly, but I forced myself to do it, and it made a ton of difference.

One last thing. The fact that he didn't call you back proves that he is a coward, and not a man. You can do a lot better.
02/17/2011
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