There must be something wrong with me

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There must be something wrong with me

Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
So for those that have been following my pathetic personal drama, the butthead that broke my heart did come back, as predicted. Said he made a mistake, was scared, and was coming back. I supported him, plans were made, and while he was still really struggling with everything going on, he seemed sure about only one thing - us. So he was having some physical stress symptoms including chest pains and they were getting worse last night so he went to the hospital. Even at the hospital last night, he swore I was still what he wanted. Mind you, he did not have a heart attack, they haven't found anything wrong with him, so my best guess is this is a situation of extreme panic and stress - commonly mistaken for a heart attack.

And this morning he tells me he can't do this. He's afraid it's going to kill him. He knows he loves me but doesn't know what he wants or what to do. So instead of even saying he'll think about it he just says he can't do this, we can't be together. He's afraid - I get that. But he's NOT dying and with a little help, he could get through this. He doesn't seem to understand that the stress symptoms STARTED when he left me. He just thinks thinking about the relationship is harmful to him so he's running away, scared.

Logically, I know he is going back to a situation in which he will never be truly happy. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me, but is too scared to make it happen. I know that those traits are not something I want in a man. But my heart is still so wrapped up in his that it's just completely impossible to distract me right now. People continuously tell me that he's going to regret this forever because he still, as of this morning, admitted he has never and will never love anyone like me. I just want him to want me and put for the struggle and make it happen. But I really don't see that happening now. He's scared and blaming the wrong source and running away, panicked.

I apologize for the text wall and commend those who made it thru the whole thing. I'm just having a REALLY hard time dealing with starting all over and the fears of not being wanted by someone else or being able to find someone else. I loved the way he took care of me, looked after me, and made me feel beautiful. I truly love who he is, up until this whole cowardice thing. So...what the hell do I do now?
03/21/2011
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CSEA CSEA
I must've missed the "situation in which he will never be truly happy," I know it has something to do with his family, but do you mind to explain? I'm here to help!
03/21/2011
CSEA CSEA
I don't know what he is exactly cowarding away from but in my opinion that is no excuse to play with your emotions. If he does love you and you love him it is through thick and thin, through tears, yelling, pouting, kisses, sex, and laughter. It should'nt be a new decision on a day-to-day basis as if your the ON/OFF sign at a shop. YOu have emotions and as it seems, your hearts all in his. People notice that and especially him most likely. Just be careful to preserve your love, because once you've taken too much, it's hard to feel again.
03/21/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Honey. I'm so sorry. He came back so you could take care of him while he wasn't feeling well? UG.

I don't have any advice. I wish I did. I know it hurts. I don't know what to say.
03/21/2011
Illusional Illusional
There is nothing, NOTHING at all wrong with you.
I've had a guy do similar to me, and my head logically said Fuck it, FUCK him.
But my heart was like "Maybe he just needs me to love a little more"
Your heart is already doing all it can.
Just fall back.
Don't say anything and get the fuck away from him, asap.
You need to focus on you right now.
It is SUPER hard. It is INCREDIBLY hard.
It's almost damned near impossible.

I had to take up like seven hobbies to counter thinking of him consistently.
And they all had to be group activities. Cooking class, Nia Yoga class, DJ class, just so I could come home exhausted and pass out and not think about him.

Don't worry about your wall of text woman, we are all here to help.
Rant on.
03/21/2011
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Illusional
There is nothing, NOTHING at all wrong with you.
I've had a guy do similar to me, and my head logically said Fuck it, FUCK him.
But my heart was like "Maybe he just needs me to love a little more"
Your heart is already doing ...
Thank you

The worst part is that I know he loves me, I know he wants me, he's just too damn scared to do anything about it and his head is so messed up that he doesn't know which way is up right now. I'm powerless and helpless, but since he doesn't want my help, I'm done offering it. It doesn't mean I don't love him - it just means I have to love me more right now.
03/21/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
Thank you

The worst part is that I know he loves me, I know he wants me, he's just too damn scared to do anything about it and his head is so messed up that he doesn't know which way is up right now. I'm powerless and helpless, ...
You have to think of yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you. It's normal to be sad and upset when this happens to you. It sucks. It's OK to be sad. Really.

Take care of yourself, no one can do it like you can.

HUGS.
03/21/2011
Eden C. Eden C.
I've been there, and there is nothing wrong with you. You are stronger than I was because you are willing to admit that this is not ultimately what you want. Stay strong and take love and support from friends who love you, not that assmaster.
03/21/2011
Mills Mills
04/02/2011
Total posts: 9
Unique posters: 6