So for those that have been following my pathetic personal drama, the butthead that broke my heart did come back, as predicted. Said he made a mistake, was scared, and was coming back. I supported him, plans were made, and while he was still really struggling with everything going on, he seemed sure about only one thing - us. So he was having some physical stress symptoms including chest pains and they were getting worse last night so he went to the hospital. Even at the hospital last night, he swore I was still what he wanted. Mind you, he did not have a heart attack, they haven't found anything wrong with him, so my best guess is this is a situation of extreme panic and stress - commonly mistaken for a heart attack.
And this morning he tells me he can't do this. He's afraid it's going to kill him. He knows he loves me but doesn't know what he wants or what to do. So instead of even saying he'll think about it he just says he can't do this, we can't be together. He's afraid - I get that. But he's NOT dying and with a little help, he could get through this. He doesn't seem to understand that the stress symptoms STARTED when he left me. He just thinks thinking about the relationship is harmful to him so he's running away, scared.
Logically, I know he is going back to a situation in which he will never be truly happy. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me, but is too scared to make it happen. I know that those traits are not something I want in a man. But my heart is still so wrapped up in his that it's just completely impossible to distract me right now. People continuously tell me that he's going to regret this forever because he still, as of this morning, admitted he has never and will never love anyone like me. I just want him to want me and put for the struggle and make it happen. But I really don't see that happening now. He's scared and blaming the wrong source and running away, panicked.
I apologize for the text wall and commend those who made it thru the whole thing. I'm just having a REALLY hard time dealing with starting all over and the fears of not being wanted by someone else or being able to find someone else. I loved the way he took care of me, looked after me, and made me feel beautiful. I truly love who he is, up until this whole cowardice thing. So...what the hell do I do now?
And this morning he tells me he can't do this. He's afraid it's going to kill him. He knows he loves me but doesn't know what he wants or what to do. So instead of even saying he'll think about it he just says he can't do this, we can't be together. He's afraid - I get that. But he's NOT dying and with a little help, he could get through this. He doesn't seem to understand that the stress symptoms STARTED when he left me. He just thinks thinking about the relationship is harmful to him so he's running away, scared.
Logically, I know he is going back to a situation in which he will never be truly happy. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me, but is too scared to make it happen. I know that those traits are not something I want in a man. But my heart is still so wrapped up in his that it's just completely impossible to distract me right now. People continuously tell me that he's going to regret this forever because he still, as of this morning, admitted he has never and will never love anyone like me. I just want him to want me and put for the struggle and make it happen. But I really don't see that happening now. He's scared and blaming the wrong source and running away, panicked.
I apologize for the text wall and commend those who made it thru the whole thing. I'm just having a REALLY hard time dealing with starting all over and the fears of not being wanted by someone else or being able to find someone else. I loved the way he took care of me, looked after me, and made me feel beautiful. I truly love who he is, up until this whole cowardice thing. So...what the hell do I do now?
