Can you forgive a Cheater and save a relationship?

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Can you forgive a Cheater and save a relationship?

Lif3sambiguity Lif3sambiguity
The questions is in the topic line. I, like many individuals who are monogamous have been hurt, but what/if/when you are in love? Can you truly forgive, forget, and trust again?
11/02/2010
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J's Alley J's Alley
Quote:
Originally posted by Lif3sambiguity
The questions is in the topic line. I, like many individuals who are monogamous have been hurt, but what/if/when you are in love? Can you truly forgive, forget, and trust again?
I believe that depends on you and your partner, each relationship is different. Some are able to move past it, others are not.
11/02/2010
Waterfall Waterfall
I'm not sure how I would deal in a realtionship after a partner had cheated on me. In high school my boyfriend cheated and we broke up (there were other things involved as well). In a serious relationship I might work harder to keep things going, but I am not sure.
11/02/2010
lamira lamira
Thankfully, I have never had this happen to me. I honestly believe that I couldn't, as painful as it would be. It is hard for me to trust someone and I trust my partner. If he were to cheat on me, I don't think he could regain it. And trust me, he knows what I believe.
11/02/2010
Alicia Alicia
I would try to forgive but the trouble is that once that trust has been broken, how do you gain it back? I'm not sure that I ever could 100% trust the person again, and because of that I don't think the relationship would work out.
11/02/2010
Sammi Sammi
I honestly don't know if I could.
11/02/2010
Shellz31 Shellz31
I already have issues trusting people so I dont know that I could ever trust them enough again to stay.
11/03/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Lif3sambiguity
The questions is in the topic line. I, like many individuals who are monogamous have been hurt, but what/if/when you are in love? Can you truly forgive, forget, and trust again?
Yes, you can. Not every monogamous person cheats and a cheater can reform, though it takes getting to the root of the problem (for the cheater not his/her victims). Trust takes time to rebuild and a willingness on the part of both parties to work out their feelings of hurt and betrayal. Trust me in a truly loving relationship both parties are hurt, raw and betrayed by cheating not just the 'innocent' victim. I don't know about forgetting because It's been over 10 years for me and I haven't forgotten but time and work has taken the sting out of the memory. I do trust Sigel and we have moved to a better understanding of what cheating means to us that has helped us forge a deeper commitment based on respect and love. Our solution won't work for everyone but the point I'm making is that you CAN rebuild or, as in our case, simply build a deeper and more loving relationship after cheating. The work is painful and draining but as long as both parties are willing to stick it out it can be the stuff of dreams, the real happily ever after.
The first step to all of it is realizing that the cheating didn't have anything to do with you regardless of what your partner's excuse was. The problem belongs to the cheater, it is his/her responsibility to honor his/her commitments to you, unless you actually have a clause in your vows that says something like, "I will be faithful to you up to the point you piss me off...refuse to give me sex when I feel needy....get sick...gain weight...ect." It is each person's responsibility to evaluate the relationship and work out problems. If your partner refuses to work out problems then get the hell out of the relationship, there is nothing more destructive to a person that breaching the trust of a lover, except physical/emotional abuse. Once you release responsibility for your partner's actions you can begin to heal yourself, and so can your partner. From there you can begin to build or rebuild a bridge of trust and respect between you.
11/03/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
I would try to forgive but the trouble is that once that trust has been broken, how do you gain it back? I'm not sure that I ever could 100% trust the person again, and because of that I don't think the relationship would work out.
Actually yes with enough work and a horrifying amount of pain you can rebuild that trust to 100%. I do trust Sigel the difference is I trust that above all else he loves me and he doesn't intentionally try to hurt me. I trust he will keep himself physically healthy and not bring home anyone who is a potential threat to our family. I trust him to come home to me every night, I trust him to be open and honest with me about everything that I have a right to know. (I have a nasty habit of wanting to be aware of everything because I'm a huge voyeur but there is a place for secrets in a relationship...so long as neither of my partners keep secrets that they know will hurt me if they get out. Secrets get out it's better to do the band-aid thing and just rip them out. At least with me, your milage may vary.)
In short in every way that a wife is supposed to be able to trust her husband I DO trust Sigel. It has taken many years to grow back what he threw away, but in our case I had to realize that sexual fidelity was a test I used to keep him ar arm's length because I couldn't trust anyone, not fully. His "failure" at a monogamous relationship saved me. I learned so much about what I am made of and what kind of a strong woman, capable woman I am. I am so much more than that poor, scared, timid, and downtrodden person who couldn't keep her husband out of other women's beds. That's what I thought I was for many years until I realized it wasn't my place to keep him...he had to WANT to stay. I had to earn his trust as well, it is a two way street. He is the person he was meant to be and he has given me the gift of insight into the kind of person I am becoming, and I like that reflection!
It's not easy, I would never want to give anyone struggling with this issue that impression. In some cases it may not be worth it to fight to rebuild that trust. For me it saved me and gave me something precious; pride in myself, pride in my husband and a home I am finally the mistress of. I am proud that I can trust Sigel, I am also proud that his breaking my heart also broke the shell around me. Like a blade of grass I grew from this experience and I love where I am. There is life after cheating but damn if you have the choice do the work to build yourself and your relationship without cheating...it is SO much easier and just as rewarding.
/end rant
11/03/2010
Tart Tart
I can put it behind me, deal with it, but could never forgive.
11/03/2010
mnc5051 mnc5051
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Actually yes with enough work and a horrifying amount of pain you can rebuild that trust to 100%. I do trust Sigel the difference is I trust that above all else he loves me and he doesn't intentionally try to hurt me. I trust he will keep himself ...
thank you! this helped me
11/03/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by mnc5051
thank you! this helped me
You are very welcome. Sigel read this post and had a teary moment...I didn't know I had never told him all of this! How stupid is that shit? Some unsolicited advice:If you have a warm fuzzy moment when talking about your partner(s) TELL THEM!
11/05/2010
Harlequin Harlequin
nope. never. not for me anyway. cant trust someone again after that. if they really loved you in the first place they wouldnt have cheated.
12/11/2010
C4ss C4ss
Quote:
Originally posted by Harlequin
nope. never. not for me anyway. cant trust someone again after that. if they really loved you in the first place they wouldnt have cheated.
I don't think I would ever be able to forgive someone who cheated on me, either. I would never trust that person again and without trust I don't see how a relationship can develop.
12/11/2010
D&&JForever D&&JForever
Quote:
Originally posted by Lif3sambiguity
The questions is in the topic line. I, like many individuals who are monogamous have been hurt, but what/if/when you are in love? Can you truly forgive, forget, and trust again?
I have problems forgiving and forgetting.
12/14/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Forgive yes, forget no, and trust... not entirely.
12/14/2010
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Forget? Never. Trust? Depends on how hard you work at it, for me it's not 100% trust in him at tihs point. Same for him. Forgive? In time.

Somewhere in the back of mind I will always know he didn't love me enough to not cheat on me and I didn't love him enough to not retaliate with indiscretions of my own. It is what it is.
12/14/2010
RubenesqueAna RubenesqueAna
@Airen: Your little "rant" as you call it was so lovely to read. Thank you for sharing that. It's very interesting to see such a different conception of cheating, and I find it useful.

I've always been far more easily hurt by the concept of emotional cheating than physical cheating. If my long distance boyfriend of two years gets drunk and has a one night stand (which he did), it's possible I can figure out how to forgive him... I know he didn't mean to hurt me, and I know he still loves me more than anything in the world. If my boyfriend of two years tells me he's in love with another woman and has been seeing her but hasn't done anything with her yet... I'll be absolutely heart broken. Polyamory was never my thing.
12/14/2010
NuMe NuMe
I actually wrote an article about this topic for Sexis. Here's a link if anyone is interested in reading it. link
12/14/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by NuMe
I actually wrote an article about this topic for Sexis. Here's a link if anyone is interested in reading it. link
I have written a few articles about this and related topics on the Eden Cafe as well. It is a topic so close to my heart and I just cringe when people automatically assume that if a person is in love their libido shuts off. True love doesn't mean fidelity, they are two seperate issues. A person who is truly in love might not desire anyone else and find fidelity to be easy, a person who is truly in love might find themselves attracted to many different people and find fidelity to be a burden...they are still in love completely and fully! Let's get past the idea that sex = love. Sex+love=amazing awesomesauce but sex isn't love.
Fidelity is a considered choice and should be agreed upon up front and be a topic of conversation in the relationship just as other choices naturally are...like what side of the bed you sleep on. I know it's a much bigger and weightier discussion versus the bed side sleeping arrangement but it should still be SAID not left unsaid.
If you can forgive a partner for saying something hateful in a fight, or for drinking too much and acting like an ass, hell I've seen people forgive their partner's for beating them up, then forgiving your partner for cheating isn't impossible or even unbelievable.
12/25/2010
*HisMrs* *HisMrs*
I would have to say a I definitely couldn't. If you truly love someone you aren't looking for sex somewhere else and darn sure wouldn't partake in it. That would distinguish all the trust I have for my husband! I also believe in the old saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater!"
12/28/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by *HisMrs*
I would have to say a I definitely couldn't. If you truly love someone you aren't looking for sex somewhere else and darn sure wouldn't partake in it. That would distinguish all the trust I have for my husband! I also believe in the old ...
I think you mean 'extinguish' all the trust you have in your husband and lemme tell ya it does, in a horrible manner and so quick. The thing is you can truly love someone and still cheat, because love and sex aren't the same thing. You can also rebuild that trust...it's just so damn hard.
12/31/2010
*HisMrs* *HisMrs*
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I think you mean 'extinguish' all the trust you have in your husband and lemme tell ya it does, in a horrible manner and so quick. The thing is you can truly love someone and still cheat, because love and sex aren't the same thing. You ...
Haha! Sorry I guess I was tired LOL! But for a relationship to work you have to be able to trust that person. For me there would be no trust and I'm sorry but you screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me. I couldn't cheat on my spouse. I have no desire whatsoever to be with anyone else. Sex for me is something you share with someone you're in love with and I hold it very close to me. I couldn't just throw away what I have with my husband. I've had sex with someone I didn't care about and It sucked.
12/31/2010
*HisMrs* *HisMrs*
Not to mention I love my husband enough not to hurt him.
12/31/2010
Bunnycups Bunnycups
No, I don't think I could. That is the ultimate betrayal in a relationship.
12/31/2010
mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
yes...its either work on ur probs or call it a failed marraged. not if i was dating thou. screw that!
12/31/2010
kittychilla kittychilla
to answer in the way you put it

forgetting, no..i probably couldn't forget it, and depending on who it is (if it's a random stranger, one of his friends, or a close friend of both of us), i'd either be a little hurt or very hurt.

forgiving, well..in this relationship i have now, i probably would. i love my boyfriend so much, no matter how much we argue and get at eachother, the times we are happy and laughing, it's glorious. but maybe it's because i love his voice so much. and his personality.

trusting again..like most people say, trust is something you have to work hard at to regain. there's no shortcuts around it, no matter how nice those rings or necklaces are.
01/06/2011
The Giveaway Diva The Giveaway Diva
I think that when someone cheats its much more than just the physical or the emotional but has to do with a huge part of losing trust in a person. Because when someone cheats there will always be the nagging voice in the back of your head wondering if they will do it again. Even if they swear that they will never cheat again you will always be consumed with wondering what they are doing when they aren't with you.
01/18/2011
CPTInsanity CPTInsanity
Forgive probably, but I would open the relationship up and see where it went from there. If they weren't going to be faithful, then why should I try so hard and stay faithful.
01/26/2011
DexterStratton DexterStratton
I have and I haven't forgiven, but there was no saving of the relationship in any case.
01/26/2011
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