Does he really love her?

butterflygirlxo butterflygirlxo
First off I was with this guy for 9 years. I left him 7 months ago for trying to talk to another girl behind my back he has done this before but I never actually left him but this time I did,I met someone else and fell hard for him because he treated me amazing.After a few weeks of dating we told each other we loved each other. Well my ex begged for me back and I took him back because I still loved him and was missing him.He told me he would change and well guess what he didn't, he left me again just in March for another girl, now he is telling this girl he loves her already. Can you really fall in love with someone that fast? I've tried to contact him to talk I don't want him back but I do miss him, he tells me hates me but honestly has to reason too! I'm just hurt by the whole situation. He has done this before and always came back but I feel this time he will not come back. I know it's best not to get back together but will he ever be civil with me? I'm so sick about him hating me. So my questions are.

Does he really hate me?
Can he love this girl already?
Will he ever miss me?


Also I've been seeing the guy I started seeing when I left him,I went back to him after my ex left me again, I don't know if I really loved the new guy but, he treats me great but I still think about my ex a lot. I have very strong feelings for the new guy but my ex always pops in my head. Very hard! At this point I'm not sure what to do the new guy is amazing too me but I still think of my ex.
04/22/2013
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kendra30752 kendra30752
Wow. This sounds almost exactly like a situation one of my friends is in right now! He was married to a girl (also a friend of mine) for around 9 years too & just found out she was talking to her ex, which has happened before and they split up too. Wow. How strange that your situation is so similar.

Anyways, sorry about that & I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I really am sorry. I could not even imagine how devastating it would be after being together for so long. My partner and I was out trying to cheer up our friend until 11:00 tonight & goodness! I can imagine it's very painful for you too to be dealing with this.

My first thought while reading your story was when I came to the part about you getting with the new person who treated you amazingly -- I thought "good for you!" That's good, but then I seen you said you took your ex back because he begged.

I don't know if you can really fall in love with someone that fast. I mean, you said you and your new guy had already told each other "I love you" within a few weeks, so if you were able to, then I'm sure your ex is able as well. But that doesn't mean it's love. I can understand you missing him. That's natural being that you've been together for 9 years. It'd definitely be very hard to go on without someone who you've been used to being with for that long, so I can see how you two would keep getting back together & have a hard time staying apart, even if you do find others you have strong feelings for. To me, I think it's probably so natural to be with that person that you keep missing them and feel drawn to get back together. Also, it's probably comfortable, it's what you've known for 9 years. & possibly even you may both get nervous or something when being in new relationships and end up running back or falling back on each other because that's what feels right since you've been together so long.

However, at this point, it sounds to me it's time to take it to the next level and work on being apart. Unless you both think you can somehow manage to work through such a big thing -- being with other people, betrayal, etc. -- and truly love each other, it's only going to prolong the painful process of splitting up.

These are just feelings I think I'd have personally if my partner and I were to go through this, so I don't know & I don't know your relationship besides what you've shared, so I can only say what I think from what you've said, as an outsider over here. IMO, it just doesn't seem very likely to work out given everything that has happened. It seems more like it's only going make things more painful and tough on the both of you, possibly hurt each other worse & then be back to splitting up for good again if you continue to keep each other close in your lives. But again, I'm not saying you won't ever be able to make it with that person. I don't know that & it's definitely possible, but the likelihood of everything being able smoothly to go back to a normal, healthy relationship probably isn't possible.

I'd be asking myself questions like "do I really love and want to go back to this person and really deal with everything or would it just be the comfortable, easy option?" I'd also be thinking real hard about whether or not I want to put myself on the line -- deal with betrayal and be willing to overcome and totally forgive and move on. Personally, I would not be able to get over betrayal and move on with a person. Once it happens, it wouldn't leave my mind and I think it would wreck my emotions to go back and try to let go and accept rather than accept the pain of being hurt, having to split and start over. I think the latter would be easiest for me, personally to deal with. I'm all for chances, but goodness. What's that... screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me? I think one time would do me in & two times and I'd be like forget it. I wouldn't be able to give myself (my heart and all) away again after a second time. I'd have to think about my own self & for me, that would include getting rid of the person who did that.

It was the same girl both times, right? I just don't know about it. If you could do it once, okay maybe that can be worked out, but twice? It'd make me feel like there's definitely something more there & that they definitely made a perfectly sane & conscious choice to take up some kind of feelings/relationship with someone besides me. In my eyes, it's either me and only me, or no me at all.

After finding someone who you felt you loved or could love & had strong feelings for & they returned those feelings and treated you amazingly, as you said, I think I'd be choosing the new option -- to take a chance on something that seems good rather than take a chance on being screwed over for a third time. You may not always have that good option, he may not want to get back together if you've left him for the ex & I can say one thing -- good ones only come a long ever so often. I personally snagged my good option and held onto him for dear life when he came along. I was so ready to be done with being treated horribly & even though in the beginning I thought there must be something bad since it all seemed so wonderful. He treated me better than great, he was just truly a wonderful man. Exactly what I'd always thought of as the "perfect" one for me. I couldn't take the chance on staying with the crappy guys who I kept taking back anymore. I had to choose the option that seemed good, even though I thought it sometime soon, something would have to happen because I wasn't used to such good guys in my life.

7 years later & I'm still with him, so I can't help but want to say go back to the guy you met who you said treated you well, but I don't know for sure what's right for you. I guess you'll only be able to do what your heart is wanting the most & it kind of sounds like right now, your heart might not be done with the ex. So if it so happens you can't help but give it another shot, just remember to guard yourself in the meantime, be prepared.

Also, I think it'd be helpful to consider how your relationship has been overtime, not only when these bad things happened. Were you guys always good with each other (besides the normal stuff that happens between a couple), were you happy, truly? Did you both feel like you really appreciated and cared deeply for each other? Or were things getting rocky, lots of unneccessary fighting or bickering? Hatefulness or rudeness to each other, or any signs of things going wrong, besides of course the other people.

Another thing, try to really think hard about the future. Does it seem likey you two could last and be happy and be able to really get over the bad stuff and not harbor bad feelings? Does it seem possible you guys could both manage together without getting feelings for other people? Sometimes if you think honestly and hard enough, you can see the possibilities of how things are likely to work out. Intuition or just guidance of your heart maybe.


PS. I highly doubt he hates you. A lot of times, guys will be hateful and claim to hate you because they're still bitter about being hurt, but they actually really, really care.

Will he ever miss you? 9 years... absolutely he will miss you. I'd bet he misses you right now, but would not admit it.

................
04/23/2013
kendra30752 kendra30752
.....OMG. I did not realize this was so brutally long! I'm sorry. And even worse... there's more! It wouldn't even let me post it all in one comment because of the length. Yikes. Sorry, but I'll go ahead and post the rest just in case you do want to read it. Lol.


Of course you'll still think about the ex. 9 years is a long time, so things will definitely hang around, but will get better in time. In the meantime though, now you have someone else's feelings to worry about -- the new guy. I think it's great you're taking your chances like that & really, I do applaud you for it. On the other hand, you're uncertain about the ex. What if he called you up and said he's in love with you and wants you back now? Would you leave the new guy hanging? You need to consider his feelings too because you wouldn't to hurt others in the process of you getting things together. So maybe make it clear that you're just out of a super long relationship and for him not to expect things to move quickly. I'd give him fair warning. If you think the new guy is just someone who's nice, but you might not ever be able to fully love (or have as strong feelings for as you do/did your ex), then I'd break it to him before letting him get serious.

I'll just end by saying, perhaps you should not want him to come back this time. You don't want to be someone's fall back for when things don't work out with someone else. You want to be someone first -- their one and only. I'd think about that. Try not to settle for anything besides the best.
04/23/2013
Fluke Fluke
He doesn't hate you, he just wants it to be over. He can fall in love with someone else quickly, it sounds like you found someone new as well. He may or may not miss you, I don't think you should think about it, it's not very constructive.

Breaking up is incredibly hard for me to get over and I've never been in a 9 year relationship so getting over him and stopping thinking about him might take awhile.

It is excellent to talk about your feelings to anyone who will listen. Try to hang around with people that make you happy and distract you with fun so you don't mope around. Try something new that you've been wanting to do. I know you already found someone new but don't forget to take care of yourself! Nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself to rest and re-energize after a breakup. Don't worry, you will get over him, just try to take it easy and it will happen before you know it.
04/23/2013
js250 js250
I would have suggested taking a bit more time in between your new ex and current guy. Then you may not have the ex so prevalent in your head...but you have moved on.

I would say he may not hate you but might just want to be done with the whole aspect of your relationship--especial ly the talking and rehashing. I think you need time, that always helps to make the situations clearer. Also--do you really want a guy who is so disrespectful to your feelings and relationship in your life? Where is the security in that?
04/23/2013
butterflygirlxo butterflygirlxo
Quote:
Originally posted by kendra30752
.....OMG. I did not realize this was so brutally long! I'm sorry. And even worse... there's more! It wouldn't even let me post it all in one comment because of the length. Yikes. Sorry, but I'll go ahead and post the rest just in case ... More
No it wasn't the same girl! He actually done this maybe 6 times in the past 9 years and always came back, this time I was fed up and left him but then he begged for me back I'm usually the one that begs for him back! I don't want him back at all, but just wonder about things just sucks that I can't fully give my heart to the new guy even though I want to so bad. I hope in the end things get better the new guy is amazing!
04/23/2013
butterflygirlxo butterflygirlxo
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
I would have suggested taking a bit more time in between your new ex and current guy. Then you may not have the ex so prevalent in your head...but you have moved on.

I would say he may not hate you but might just want to be done with the whole ... More
I agree! Thanks, and no I don't want to deal with someone who disrespects my feelings! Hes done this for awhile, it's time for me to be happy. I have a long road ahead of me, just sucks with a lot of unanswered questions, which makes the recovery harder, but I guess it's time to stop worrying if he misses me or not, or anything that has to do with him, and don't worry about why things happened, I guess I just need to realize I'm not in a relationship anymore where I got treated badly most of the time.
04/23/2013
edeneve edeneve
hate is a strong word. my thought is that he says it to hurt you. also, really think about why you want to go back w/ a guy who repeatedly leaves you & seems to purposely hurt you. there really aren't greener pastures. we like to think so, though.

I don't believe someone can fall in love quickly. lust, yes, but not love. sometimes people are very needy & want someone to be that "one" & believe they've found it &, therefore, think it's love, want it to be love. it takes getting to know someone & developing trust, seeing that they are consistent in being who they say they are, among other things. and really, how do you define love? how does "he" define love?

and any time someone treats you with respect, don't take it for granted. there's so many people out there that are disrespectful. this doesn't mean you should grab onto him. take thing slow and see where things go. you need to see his real colors before making a commitment or you're just setting yourself up for more pain.
04/24/2013
Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
When people cannot take face their own failures and guilt then they get angry with the other person. He knows he is a jerk and treated you bad. He just cannot take responsibility for acting the way he has so he makes you the bad guy. My ex did the same thing. I know you love him but in the long run you will be better off without someone like him. I have thanked God for each day without my ex. It is so much better to have a life with someone who loves and respects you.
04/25/2013
surreptitious surreptitious
Quote:
Originally posted by butterflygirlxo
First off I was with this guy for 9 years. I left him 7 months ago for trying to talk to another girl behind my back he has done this before but I never actually left him but this time I did,I met someone else and fell hard for him because he treated ... More
I don't think that time has anything to do with love. I mean, to me, it's a little more odd that you fell for another guy just because he treated you well whilst still being in love with someone else (who you left just for talking to another girl? I hope that there's more to the story than that, because if you've been previously upset with him for just talking to other girls, I can see why he would try to do it behind your back). I agree that you should perhaps have taken some more time before rebounding.

On top of that, I don't think that whether he really loves her should have anything to do with him wanting to be with you. I mean, if he doesn't want to be with you, you should say "good riddance" and try to move on. I know that that's much easier said than done, but hoping and waiting for a guy to miss you is pretty obsessive. He didn't respect you, and even though you love him, you should focus on the fact that you don't miss that (I hope).

That being said, it doesn't sound like you've gotten yourself into a healthy relationship this time around either, unless again, you're leaving out vital information. The fact that a guy "treats you well" shouldn't be grounds for a relationship with him. I mean, every guy should treat you well, otherwise they shouldn't be in your life. No wonder you're not sure if you love your new boyfriend - from what I've read, you're basically with him because you can't be with your ex and he doesn't treat you like crap. You should take some time to yourself to work things out rather than jumping on someone while you wait for your ex to see the light. Meeting with a therapist would be optimal, because no matter what we tell you over the internet, it's not going to have as much of an effect (or be as helpful) as opening a dialogue with someone that you can trust and who has experience helping people resolve their issues professionally.

Honestly, it's better that he isn't civil with you. You should take that as a blessing and use it to make a clean break - hopefully that's what he's trying to achieve by using the word "hate." It sounds like your relationship, though it was long, was far from ideal, and hopefully the both of you will be better off apart (I don't say "better with other people," because you shouldn't feel like you have to be in a relationship). You should really think about it, and if you'd leave the guy that you're with for our ex if he came around begging again, then you're being cruel by staying in a relationship with him. If you're not emotionally invested, then you should never have told him that you loved him and the least you can do is explain to him that you're a wreck and haven't moved on. You're simply creating an opportunity to make the man that you're with now feel as crappy about you as you do about your ex, and that's horrible. I understand that you're hurting, and it seems like you're trying to ease it by distracting yourself, but hurting other people just so you can recover isn't very nice. If you're looking for something to sink your time and energy into, I recommend learning a new skill! That way, something good will come of all of this, and you'll have a medium for cathartic release.

I hope that you can take some time for yourself, find a therapist to talk to (a breakup after 9 years, even if it's on and off, is a major trauma) and achieve some peace. It sounds like you definitely need some!
04/29/2013
PassionateLover2 PassionateLover2
I tried to start a discussing along similar lines. Here is a link to a thread I started called, Is it LOVE or is it SEX?

In my opinion, you just don't turn it on (love) and turn it off, at a whim. You don't say "I love you" without truly meaning it. Talk is cheep!! It is all about commitment, communication, and trust/respect for each other. In my opinion, it is all about a process that tests those values that you share and the commitment you have for each other and in the long run you will be better off. However, his actions should tell you a different story; he wants to play the field; he may be stringing you along (given the length of your relationship) and he feels comfortable that you will accept his conduct; his actions simply say that he doesn't respect you; or maybe he wants to take your long-term relationship to another level, maybe such as (marriage?) I don't know. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic; and likewise it is in the kind of behavior he is exhibiting; despite your giving him grace in this matter, he probably wouldn't change in the long run. Do you really want that in your life?

Otherwise, you need to really discuss and communicate the depths of his conduct and behavior! But in the final analysis, I think you need to let him go! He will be tempted to do it again and again and how happy will you be then? You need to find happiness and love elsewhere. Yes, it will take time, but in the end you don't need this kind of situation. Good luck to you.
04/29/2013
karenm karenm
Personally, I don't think the question here isn't of whether he really loves her (even though I'd say he probably doesn't and it is likely infatuation). It is of how to distance yourself from this ex so you can grow and figure out what is right for you.

Whether he loves her or not, I would say that you deserve someone who treats you better and doesn't leave you for other people. Like maybe the new guy, if he is still in the picture.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are so hurt. It is really hard to let go, I know (I left my now-ex of 4 years for my "new guy" boyfriend and it was scary at the time but I have never regretted it! He treats me much better and shows me how much he really values me). But actions speak louder than words.

And overtime maybe the smoke will clear and you will be able to look back at your time with him with very different eyes and see that you don't need him the way you may think you do now. I hope you will have the strength to go towards someone who is better for you.
05/01/2013
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