Double Crossing Friend?

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Double Crossing Friend?

pumpkindreamz pumpkindreamz
Recently I found out that my boyfriend and one of my close friends are seceretly talking to eachother, neither of them decided to tell me of this until my man slipped up and i caught on. I decided to confront my friend and she admited they had been talking for a couple of months, she says she has no interest in him, in that way.. although i find it hard to believe since she didn't tell me outright. Of course this upset me, since he and i have a stressed relationship he works all the time and sometimes i only see him once a month due to his twelve hour shifts and odd sleep patterns. Had this been any other man i'd boot him, but i love him . What would you do? i'd appriciate your advice and time

Thanks Much
04/06/2011
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Ansley Ansley
Were it me in your shoes? I'd be extremely pissed with both of them for actively hiding their conversations from me. It would show me that neither respected me and that there was a chance there was more than a friendship brewing there. They both would be dropped. That's me. People don't get second chances with me any more. I've trusted and been burned one too many times.
04/06/2011
markeagleone markeagleone
I can't offer advise. I can ask you some questions to ponder on. You say you love him, but you are having thoughts he's cheating. What's lacking that would make you feel that way? Love is built on trust.
Have you confronted both of them? If it were just talk, why such a secret? Do you trust your friend?
Maybe they are trying to find a happy medium in your relationship. These are all things you have to answer for yourself. Talk is just talk. I would venture a guess that until you find out from them or answer the questions for yourself, you will be in the dark. If they cannot be forthcoming, it's entirely your choice as to how long and how you proceed.
04/06/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by pumpkindreamz
Recently I found out that my boyfriend and one of my close friends are seceretly talking to eachother, neither of them decided to tell me of this until my man slipped up and i caught on. I decided to confront my friend and she admited they had been ...
I would be wary of their need to hide it. If they're friends and friends only, there was no reason to hide the fact that they talk. So obviously, there is more going on here than what they're saying.

Personally, I don't feel the need to be privy to all my husband's conversations; however, if he were talking to someone secretly that would definitely be cause for concern.

I can tell you from experience that patterns are hard to break. If he's hiding this, there are other things he's likely hiding. You need to ask yourself if his hiding things is okay with you? If it's not, then you have your answer.
04/06/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
This sounds so jaded and cynical, but it's true. Love is not enough. Trust is much more valuable. As is friendship. Friends can have secrets, but not about issues of trust.
04/06/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
I agree with BBW.

It's one thing not to mention it, another to hide it.

Did you ask them why they were hiding it or did it just appear that they were hiding it?
04/06/2011
pumpkindreamz pumpkindreamz
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I agree with BBW.



It's one thing not to mention it, another to hide it.



Did you ask them why they were hiding it or did it just appear that they were hiding it?
Yes i asked my friend, she told me she didn't tell me because it slipped her mind, and interestingly enough a while back i had a nightmare involving the two of them that upset me, i told her about it she said that is another reason she was worried i'd freak out..
04/06/2011
pumpkindreamz pumpkindreamz
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
This sounds so jaded and cynical, but it's true. Love is not enough. Trust is much more valuable. As is friendship. Friends can have secrets, but not about issues of trust.
Thanks, see i was more hurt about the whole situation than anything.. but i'm odd i suppose most would be angry
04/06/2011
pumpkindreamz pumpkindreamz
Quote:
Originally posted by markeagleone
I can't offer advise. I can ask you some questions to ponder on. You say you love him, but you are having thoughts he's cheating. What's lacking that would make you feel that way? Love is built on trust.

Have you confronted both of ...
Thank you, you make a very interesting point and yes i do trust him, or atleast i did until this little mess. But in this case i do believe i'm more hurt by her actions than his since she has known me longer and well that whole friend thing. Also she wont really talk to me about it she doesnt like confrontation
04/06/2011
MrRainybowbow MrRainybowbow
Honestly i'd find it strange that he has time to talk to her with his busy schedule. I think you should be careful, even if nothing happend something may of wanted to happen. I consider thinking of cheating wether you do it or not is just as bad as doing it.
04/11/2011
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by pumpkindreamz
Recently I found out that my boyfriend and one of my close friends are seceretly talking to eachother, neither of them decided to tell me of this until my man slipped up and i caught on. I decided to confront my friend and she admited they had been ...
Oh wow. Looks like you're in a very tough situation.
I'd be highly pissed. The thing is, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and are very close & we both have most of the same beliefs when it comes to what is "faithful" and what we think isn't good in a relationship. We kind of sort things out this way:
1. How would I feel if the situation was reversed? If the answer is "I'd feel unhappy, mad, uncomfortable. Then we totally steer clear from it.

2. When it comes to putting yourself in a position where things could happen. I don't mean you could get out of control & sleep with someone else. I mean putting yourself in a position where someone would have a perfect chance to come onto you. Such as, in a bedroom alone with someone other than your partner, going to a party without partner, etc. We both do not put ourselves in any position like that. It seems tough, but it's actually not. If you have no intentions on cheating, then you won't miss out by not putting yourself in an awkward/bad position.

Some people may not like those kind of agreements in relationships, but that's what were comfortable with.

I think you should establish your comfort zones & your UNcomfortable zones and discuss them with your partner.

Given the 2 "rules" my partner & I like to go by, I would clearly be very upset & hurt if he was talking to my friend behind my back. You see, I'm a very paranoid person & I would always wonder is there a reason they kept it from me?

However, it may have been innocent. I would keep an eye out if it does make you uncomfortable. & if he truly loves you, then he would not want to make you feel uncomfortable again.

Sometimes it's just a matter of letting your partner know what you're ok with and what you're not ok with. I've found that when we go over things that we are not comfortable with, it really helps us avoid situations in the future!

I would tell him you are not happy about it & if it happens again, get rid of him. Anyone who can't respect your wishes is not worth your love. That's only my opinion though.

Best wishes with your dealing with this! I know how tough it must be.
04/12/2011
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 7