Fighting in front of children.

Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
How do you feel about it?

Not fist fighting, but yelling and screaming.
I was hanging aroung my boyfriends sister, and she has a 1yr old. Her and the dad got ino a big fight, and I picked up the baby and walked out of the house.
later she came to me, and asked why did I leave?
I told her people shouldn't fight around children weather they are yours or not.
she told me I was crazy! That her son is to young to know what is going on.

I personally feel very different. I feel like he knows, and he can pick up on violent vibes. I told her if your going to argue do it in a different room.

What do you guys think about it? I posted this in the "Long term relationships" because I thought it was the best place to post it. Most people in long term relationships have children, or have agreed how they want to raise future children.

Thanks for reading!!
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I agree. I don't parents should fight around children.
45  (92%)
I disagree. I don't think it's a problem
1  (2%)
I've never really thought about it.
1  (2%)
Other (post below please)
2  (4%)
Total votes: 49
Poll is closed
07/11/2011
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MaryExy MaryExy
I think at that age, it's better to fight away from the kid. Even if they don't understand, they still know that you're upset when you're yelling and screaming.
07/11/2011
Miss Nessa Miss Nessa
Quote:
Originally posted by MaryExy
I think at that age, it's better to fight away from the kid. Even if they don't understand, they still know that you're upset when you're yelling and screaming.
Thats how I feel about it too.
07/11/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Let me just start this by saying that once one becomes a parent, what one thinks "I'll never do" or "What I know is best." Often changes, and in a drastic manner.

People have to live their lives. People who love each other often argue, fight and get into disagreements.

It isn't workable to put a child outside every time you and your husband have an argument. And, knowing from being trained in Psychology, one of the scariest things for children is the "whispering fight." Where parents "don't want to upset the children" and fight in whispers and then say "Nothings wrong!" when the kids ask. I think it's disengenous to pretend like relationships can be perfect, when they CAN'T be. Children LEARN from disagreement, that people can argue, make up and THEN still love each other.

There were some studies done in the 70s where kids in families where the parents "never fought in front of the children" ended up with kids who were afraid to stand up for themselves, avoided conflict at all costs and never learned the way to fight "right."

So, while of course, out right Domestic Violence or physical harm to anyone is something that should addressed first by the Law and then by therapy, arguing while children are in the house is not only OK, it not only strengthens their ability to get along with others, but it is impossible to avoid.

What are you going to do, put the kid out in the yard every time you and your partner or you and one of your teenagers get into a disagreement? It's unworkable not to mention impossible to maintain forever.

Kids learn to cope. And they learn to cope better when they see the adults in their live addressing disagreements and the SOLVING them.

My Man and I DO ask our youngest daughter to please go to her room when we need to (loudly) discuss something (and we did the same with our other kids) but, she knows we're getting into it. But, lesser agreement are dealt with in the full view of everyone. It's only natural. But removing her from the environment every time we disagreed on something or worse, refusing to address the issue and become passive or resentful or carrying a lot of un-dealt with anger around would be worse for her well being in the long run.

Also, kids are repeatedly removed from the environment every time there is a disagreement may start to think THEY are responsible for the discord, which will end in them carrying guilt for things they have not done.

As I have said before: I was once a perfect parent..... then I had kids....
07/11/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
My parents fought in front of my sisters and me when we were growing up. I wouldn't say it ruined me or anything, but it's not something I would do in front of my kids. I know that when my parents really got into, I'd wish they'd just get divorced and get it over with. If anything, seeing them fight reinforced the idea that divorce is a better option sometimes. They're still together now.

True, I have no kids now, but it's something I've thought about. As P'Gell stated above, people's opinions can/do change after having kids; that's natural.

If the kids seemed to be really distraught about the fight or heated exchange of words, I'd talk to them and tell them it's ok when mommy and daddy talk loudly at each other and it doesn't mean they did anything wrong (unless they did, but I digress).

In your situation though, I would've have taken the kid outside. I would've stepped out, because it's awkward to be near that kind of fighting when you're a guest.
07/11/2011
lilmamma lilmamma
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Let me just start this by saying that once one becomes a parent, what one thinks "I'll never do" or "What I know is best." Often changes, and in a drastic manner.

People have to live their lives. People who love each ... More
I agree with what you're saying, we always think we will never do things when we become parents, until we actually become parents, and all tho I understand about the not letting it build and becoming passive, I think its important to try not to argue infront of your kids. And I think it should be the parents that go into the other room. Put on a movie in the livingroom or something, and then tell your kids you'll be back in just a minute.. that way they can be having fun and dont feel un-important or like they've done something wrong. I used to think when my parents would send us to the bedroom so they could argue in the livingroom that I was sent to my room cuz It was my fault they were arguing. I also think it is important to try very hard not to raise your voice no matter how mad you are.. if you feel like yelling, take a minute to take a deep breath and think about what to say next.. like count to 10.. it enables you to reply rationally without yelling, and its amazing how much faster an issue can be resolved when nobody is yelling because you are actually taking the time to listen to how the other person is feeling as well as being able to be heard when you're not screaming over the top of each other. Of course nobody is perfect and there have been a few times that we've slipped up and raised our voices but most of our arguments have only lasted a few minutes because we "talked" it out rather than "screamed" it out, and alot of times, its just a mis-understanding.
07/11/2011
ss143 ss143
Little tiffs or disagreements happen in front of our boys I think it is healthy for them to see real emotions and that it is ok to disagree or be a bit upset and go about it the 'right' way. However if we need to discuss something that is more significant and might involved some louder discussion we usually go outside or in our room there is no need for them to see that. We feel that being comfortable and knowing how to deal with emotions of all types makes for a better equipped child and future adult.

Note: physical violence is a whole nuther ball game which is completely unacceptable.
07/11/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
My parents fought in front of my sisters and me when we were growing up. I wouldn't say it ruined me or anything, but it's not something I would do in front of my kids. I know that when my parents really got into, I'd wish they'd just ... More
JR, what you said here is very important, even if the kids don't seem affected. If the kids seemed to be really distraught about the fight or heated exchange of words, I'd talk to them and tell them it's ok when mommy and daddy talk loudly at each other and it doesn't mean they did anything wrong (unless they did, but I digress).

It should always be made clear to them that people DO disagree, that Mama and Papi still love each other but they fight just like the kids do with their siblings. And that Mama and Papi love the child and that they still love each other.

Again, as I said, physical violence is never acceptable and should be dealt with professionally. Or by leaving.
07/11/2011
MaryExy MaryExy
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
My parents fought in front of my sisters and me when we were growing up. I wouldn't say it ruined me or anything, but it's not something I would do in front of my kids. I know that when my parents really got into, I'd wish they'd just ... More
I still feel that my parents should have divorced when I was younger, they constantly fought and still do over everything (not yelling and screaming now, but they still mock each other in an unfriendly fashion). I can see fighting in front of kids as being healthy when they get old enough to understand what you're saying, but even then I don't think I'd want my kids to see yelling and screaming fights. If I couldn't get them out of the house, I'd try to keep my voice calm, since I remember how much I hated it when my parents pretended that sending me to my room magically meant I couldn't hear them. Pretending everything is fine and dandy isn't ok to me, but at the same time I think I'd rather my kid just know we fight and not hear how ugly it can get. I think seeing parents pretty much throwing tantrums can make the environment seem a little too unstable.
07/11/2011
Ansley Ansley
Having an argument is one thing but to have a screaming match is another. Children need to be shown that it's ok to argue with your spouse and come to a compromise and move on. They do not need to be shown how to strong-arm your spouse into agreeing with you.
07/11/2011
padmeamidala padmeamidala
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
How do you feel about it?

Not fist fighting, but yelling and screaming.
I was hanging aroung my boyfriends sister, and she has a 1yr old. Her and the dad got ino a big fight, and I picked up the baby and walked out of the house.
later ... More
I much prefer to have any fighting with my Master done in private. We've sometimes had to arrange for sitting for our kids so we can work out our issues without them being around. I can remember my parents arguing a lot and it affected me deeply.
07/11/2011
Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
As someone who had to listen to/watch his parents fight a lot while I was growing up I'm really not a fan of parents fighting in front of children.
07/11/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
OK, to those who don't yet have kids, yet think no one should yell in front of kids, what would the solution be? I can't get a baby sitter every time My Man and I have a disagreement. Despite the fact that our arguing isn't my parents nor my neighbors business, my parents are elderly and don't live close. Pluse, IMO, letting my MOTHER in on our private business is gonna be much more detrimental to my kids' psyche than just..... arguing while they are in their own home, and they can see when we resolve the difference. Plus, my kids are TOO OLD for a baby sitter.

Also, most of our disagreements are spontaneous. We don't plan disagreements, but when they occur the NEED to be dealt with before they fester.

You can't isolate your kids from reality. Kids don't like it when parents fight. Yeah, you know what, parents HATE it when siblings fight. Absolutely hate it, yet I have NEVER seen a kid ever think, nor care that their taunting, teasing, hitting, or fighting with a sibling would affect a parent and make plans to do this stuff elsewhere. It tears my heart out when my kids fight, but it IS their right, its how they handle stress, so they have to do it. But, they don't ever think about its effect on their father and me. And, in reality, they probably shouldn't.

Fighting is part of family dynamics. Life isn't always smooth and.... pleasant. IMO, it's better to clear the air as soon as possible, than let things fester, while tension builds and resentment forms and you and your mate make stink eye at each other what? Waiting for your MIL to come over and babysit so you can fight? Uh uh. Not my thing.

I guess we all handle it differently. But, I think until you are there, you have NO idea how you will handle it.
07/11/2011
SexyLilPixi SexyLilPixi
You're SO right! GOOD move on your part! A child WILL pick up on those habits & most will go into or end up in their future relationships as fighters. I know from experience. And there is a fine line between constructive or playful argument/disagreement and compromise and flat out fighting.
07/12/2011
froggiemoma froggiemoma
i dont think anyone should fight around kids. i dont ever remember seeing my parents even ever get angry with each other. Children watch and learn from everything you do.
07/12/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by froggiemoma
i dont think anyone should fight around kids. i dont ever remember seeing my parents even ever get angry with each other. Children watch and learn from everything you do.
We've all ways avoided disagreements in front of the kids - a big part of that is that my parents fought vociferously all the time we lived at home. My brother and sister are scarred from it. I seem to have coped better - just resolving not to let it happen in my family.
07/12/2011
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
How do you feel about it?

Not fist fighting, but yelling and screaming.
I was hanging aroung my boyfriends sister, and she has a 1yr old. Her and the dad got ino a big fight, and I picked up the baby and walked out of the house.
later ... More
Some arguing is going to happen, unfortunately. However, loud and angry arguments should happen only between the two adults with no children around. It teaches them insecurity and anger as well. Please reserve the actual fights for when you are alone, have a grandparent or friend care for you child when actual screaming matches are happening.
07/12/2011
married with children married with children
when you fight in front of kids, it teaches them that fighting is normal way of adult life.
07/12/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
to me Miss Nessa is referring to 'yelling and screaming' fighting, such as she witnessed in her friends. to me, this needs to be addressed by couples counselling. this is not okay.

this borderlines on emotional abuse, yelling and screaming at one another.

i wouldnt say 'even' at age one, but especially at age one, it is not a good practice. babies in the womb are distressed as well by the mother's stress and at a young age, they are very sensitive to negative vibes being thrown around.

i suggest your friends try to get counseling together.
07/12/2011
Endocott Endocott
Parents should not be arguing (more than a simple conversation) in front of their kids. Although it doesn't take rocket science to figure out if a parents relationship is disfunctional.
07/13/2011
kendra30752 kendra30752
To us that's a huge no no! I do not think children should ever hear any fighting, screaming and I also don't involve them in any issues and money is not discussed in front of them. Children hearing their parents talk money can upset and worry them and I don't want that. My parents didn't do it and I've still never heard them fight. I only heard them actually argue for the first time and that was this past year! It's never big though. I think children should be kept totally in kid land. Not distracted by the issues mom and dad are dealing with. I know the real world is not rainbows and sprinkles, but kids should be able to be innocent kids who only think about kid stuff. They'll be facing real world issues soon enough. They should be allowed to be careless when they're young. Kid's aren't supposed to hear fighting or yelling.
07/18/2011
gsfanatic gsfanatic
I would say that it's healthy for parents to argue in front of their kids, so they learn how to disagree. I would not say that it's okay to scream and freak out, since that's going to lead a negative message
10/13/2012
Alyxx Alyxx
I think that up until the child is old enough to understand what's going on, it's best to not have fights in front of them. I'm not talking about arguments or heated conversations, but loud, screaming angry fights. Even when they are older I think more intense fighting should be kept more private. My only memories of my parents together from when I was very young are of them screaming, yelling, and occasionally throwing things at each other, so maybe I'm a little biased. Also, I try not to fight with someone in the presence of anyone else at all, so I guess that biases me as well. I don't like others knowing such private "conversations."
10/13/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
I think in some situations, it just happens and it's part of family life. If it happens all the time, or if it's really angry yelling, then no, it's not a good idea to do it in front of your kids. In general, yelling is not a good way to solve arguments, anyway; it only perpetuates it more. We're all human though, and we can't help it sometimes when we lose our temper and lash out.
10/18/2012
ImportPerv ImportPerv
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Nessa
How do you feel about it?

Not fist fighting, but yelling and screaming.
I was hanging aroung my boyfriends sister, and she has a 1yr old. Her and the dad got ino a big fight, and I picked up the baby and walked out of the house.
later ... More
No moral dilemma here.
02/16/2013
purpledesert purpledesert
I HATED growing up listening to my parents scream, even as a tiny kid.
02/16/2013
Total posts: 26
Unique posters: 22