When do you find it necessary to stop having sex (not just for your T.O.M.)

ToyGurl ToyGurl
So, aside from the menstrual cycle, when do you married/long-term-rela tionship couples find that you need to take a break from sex for a while? What makes you feel like taking a break from sex will fix whatever the problem is? And, what is the problem, anyway?

Please leave truthful and creative responses below.
05/24/2011
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ToyGurl ToyGurl
Aside from my time of the month, I find that it is important to stop having sex when a family crisis has occurred. My reason for this is that when your man (or even female) is stressed, it can be more difficult to relax, concentrate, and achieve a pleasurable orgasm. Much less stay erect at all. Of course it is important to stay close in time of need, so my fiance and I will engage in things such as massages, long talks, or hours in the bathtub just talking. A little less sex, a little more compassion.
05/24/2011
SamsDelight SamsDelight
I am with Secret on this one. Stress is a big one. I have found if I push intercourse when we are both stressed out it can make things harder. Either I get offended he is not that into sex or I get mad at myself because I am just not that into sex either. Talking and being intimate in other ways is the way to go. Even little things like a nice dinner and movie. Back to the teenage dating night can be relaxing. Hope this helps. I have been married five years.
05/24/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I have been in a long term rela for about 6 1/2 years. We have our ups and downs with sex but we never really have a sort of agreement such as "alright we should take a break now..." it just happens on it's own.

It usually happens bcs of stress, or other time constraints, such as scheduals that don't fit leading to different sleep cycles, etc.

We are always intimate with one another, kissing touching as we prepare dinner, etc. We are huge cuddle monsters, we cuddle everyday after dinner. It's our way of reconnecting.
05/24/2011
ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I have been in a long term rela for about 6 1/2 years. We have our ups and downs with sex but we never really have a sort of agreement such as "alright we should take a break now..." it just happens on it's own.

It usually ... More
We don't make a schedule or anything. And we don't say "let's just not do it". It also happens on its own. But only because we've learned it's better that way.
05/24/2011
ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by SamsDelight
I am with Secret on this one. Stress is a big one. I have found if I push intercourse when we are both stressed out it can make things harder. Either I get offended he is not that into sex or I get mad at myself because I am just not that into sex ... More
I know what you mean. I hate feeling that you're like a sex freak because you want to have sex when your partner is extremely upset. He gets that way too. So we sort of taught ourselves to lay low on days like this. We also kind of got into toys for that same reason. Sometimes if we are having one of those nights where one of us needs that sexual release, and the other doesn't, that person can go off and have some alone time. but then we always end the night together.
05/24/2011
kelaaa33wish kelaaa33wish
Ditto on the stress factor.
05/24/2011
Brosia Brosia
I'm the opposite on the stress factor. My partner and I tend to have more sex when we're stressed. We tend to fight more if we don't.
05/24/2011
froggiemoma froggiemoma
during stressed times it seems like sex actually helps us
05/24/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
I'm with Brosia on this one.

We have sex a lot, but if we are tired or one of us is not feeling well, the other is not put off because they are not getting it. For us, sex can act as a great stress and menstrual cramp/symptom reliever. So, in times of crisis, it can be a wonderful way to reconnect and keep our moods level.

Sex is a very important part of our relationship, it helps us relax, and an orgasm of any kind helps clear the cobwebs in our brains and can also help to release any uncried tears that I might need to get rid of. Compassion is involved in every aspect of our relationship, especially the sexual part.

So, no. For us, if we find it necessary to stop having sex there is most likely a really BIG problem that needs addressing.
05/24/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
So, aside from the menstrual cycle, when do you married/long-term-rela tionship couples find that you need to take a break from sex for a while? What makes you feel like taking a break from sex will fix whatever the problem is? And, what is the ... More
We don't stop having sex during my menstrual cycle. Neither of us see it as wrong or dirty, so sex continues.

If I have a serious urinary tract infection or vaginal infection we may take a day or three off. When I was having high risk pregnancies, we were very careful and had sex less often. But, aside from that, neither of us see a reason to not have sex pretty much daily or more often than that.

Both of us view sex as a stress reducing activity, so we actually almost always have sex more often during times of stress. Unless one of us is ill.
05/24/2011
CuteDee CuteDee
The only time I do not want to have sex is when Im really angry with my partner. But usally after a day or so and him apologizing... we are back to having fun!
05/24/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Brosia
I'm the opposite on the stress factor. My partner and I tend to have more sex when we're stressed. We tend to fight more if we don't.
I was *JUST* going to say something like this, except that I was going to add:

If you're in a hetero-normative relationship, men tend to feel closer to their partners during sexual encounters, so if things are stressful, if there are crises, sex can be a good way to maintain your intimacy and gives your man a chance to be vulnerable and close to you. I actually find it easier to communicate with Mr once we've had sex because 1) he knows I'm still there for his needs and 2) he's more relaxed. SO SO good for our relationship and working things out.

Since I'm not in a homosexual/queer relationship, I don't know how it works there.

So that said, the only times we don't engage in sexual behavior is if one of us is ill, or in pain, or just not in the mood. If I'm angry, I might not be in the mood, but I won't withhold sex as a punishment. I don't require an apology to "allow him" to have sex with me. The only way THAT would happen is if there were some sort of grievous offense.

As for period sex, we don't participate in it because I generally can't muster up the mood for it. We don't find it dirty or wrong, but I'm *NEVER* in the mood during my period, which will hopefully stop soon.
05/24/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
I was *JUST* going to say something like this, except that I was going to add:

If you're in a hetero-normative relationship, men tend to feel closer to their partners during sexual encounters, so if things are stressful, if there are ... More
Very insightful - as a man, I agree with your analysis. I just wish I understood women as well as you do men!
05/24/2011
ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
I was *JUST* going to say something like this, except that I was going to add:

If you're in a hetero-normative relationship, men tend to feel closer to their partners during sexual encounters, so if things are stressful, if there are ... More
I actually didn't know that. My fiance and I have always been more irritable if we try to have sex when we are stressed. Sometimes we just can't stay focused, and he can't stay hard, or I can't get wet. It just makes things more stressful. We prefer to do something romantic, or something else that is stress-relieving.

The kind of stress I'm referring to are the kinds of stress that could make even a man cry or be upset. For instance when we get in a fight with a family member, or the night when his younger sister had to be picked up from jail. Those are the nights where sex is just not the best thing to do.

Massages are always really nice when we are both stressed out. Sometimes the massages lead to sex, sometimes they don't. But we can sure talk a lot easier during a massage, or a hot bubble bath.
05/24/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I actually didn't know that. My fiance and I have always been more irritable if we try to have sex when we are stressed. Sometimes we just can't stay focused, and he can't stay hard, or I can't get wet. It just makes things more ... More
Of course there are times where things like that happen and you're not into it, but you're talking about "taking a break" and to me, taking a break is more than a night or even two. It's like a week, or a month, etc. And I'm not saying that we never go a week where we don't have sex, but it's very, very rare.

Maybe it's that I don't have a man that over-internalizes, or that I have a man that can enjoy sex despite the stress. But even if we don't have sex to "completion" (i.e. neither of us are able to orgasm or he loses his erection) we still find the experience to be an intimacy-building time.

Of course, I have 10+ years on you, and have been married nearly all of that time, so as P'Gell would say, "mileage and all."

But yes, men (and I mean very manly, traditionally-minded, cis-gendered men) tend to be more open and expressive of emotion during times of sexual intimacy and actually NEED that to feel like their women love them.
05/24/2011
wetone123 wetone123
I do not have a partner at present but when I'm upset, sex calms me down and eases my mind away from my troubles. My thinking becomes more clear and I can think of a solution to my troubles better after orgasm.
05/24/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
Very insightful - as a man, I agree with your analysis. I just wish I understood women as well as you do men!
Oh, hon, I screw up too and forget it.

Here's what I've learned. For women to treat their husbands with the respect they crave, men have to treat women with love and devotion. It's a never-ending cycle. And often both parties need to put aside any past grievances to move forward in that.
05/24/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Oh, hon, I screw up too and forget it.

Here's what I've learned. For women to treat their husbands with the respect they crave, men have to treat women with love and devotion. It's a never-ending cycle. And often both parties ... More
Thanks - that's great advice. We've both got the love and devotion thing going for us, we are blessed
05/24/2011
ToyGurl ToyGurl
Does anyone ever take breaks only because the other partner doesn't want to? I have never had this happen, but my roommate is having this issue right now. She is currently dating a female (her first lesbian relationship, it's been 3 months). Her partner doesn't feel like sex is a "good idea" at the moment, but my roommate is like "wtf" about it.
05/24/2011
Cedarlooman Cedarlooman
The only time we have had scheduled "breaks" is the 4-6 weeks after childbirth. The doctors recommended 6 weeks, but that was a bit tough for my wife and I to last. Other than that it has occasionally been because of stress, but since it relieves so much tension and everything a lot of times we have more in stressful times. (Unless the stress is caused by some conflict between us, and then it comes after!)
05/25/2011
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
Does anyone ever take breaks only because the other partner doesn't want to? I have never had this happen, but my roommate is having this issue right now. She is currently dating a female (her first lesbian relationship, it's been 3 months). ... More
Sounds like they need to have an honest conversation about why she feels it's a "good idea." Once they can communicate honestly about it, they can figure out the next steps.
05/25/2011
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
I don't think you ever need to step away from sexual intimacy in a relationship, unless it is being used as a distraction from dealing with the problems that are occurring within the relationship (ie, Having sex to cheer you/partner up when you are upset, instead of talking about why.)

People always tend to feel better about things after sex, and I have found in my own relationships, as well as in friends relationships, that it is often used as a bandaid solution. Much like alcohol.
05/25/2011
SamsDelight SamsDelight
We have never talked to each other about taking time off from sex. Not sure that is a conversation I could ever see us having unless we were having serious problems. Part of the intimacy with a relationship is the sex. Or at least it is to me. I am trying to answer your above question but honestly all rules change when you are talking of two females. Females are so different from males. And I have no experience with the two females. When asking my best friend he laughed and said that would never happen with him and his boyfriend. He says no matter what they are ready to go even if they are breaking up.
05/25/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
I was *JUST* going to say something like this, except that I was going to add:

If you're in a hetero-normative relationship, men tend to feel closer to their partners during sexual encounters, so if things are stressful, if there are ... More
Good analysis!
05/25/2011
tffnyandrs tffnyandrs
we hit a lull occasionally but never forgo intimate contact in stressful or crisis situations (i.e. a huge life change). We need each other. It helps us to reaffirm our love and let's us know someone is there for them that get's what we are going through. It helps me to open my heart to him in this way and often it is just a stress reliever (who needs a squeeze stress ball? hehe). We also don't stop for my period. Hop in the shower folks, lol! Believe it or not it helps with my cramps plus my hormones run crazy during that time!!
05/26/2011
kendra30752 kendra30752
I don't have an actual period, but I do get extreme period symptoms still (from endometriosis) and during that week we can't have sex at all really because it's too painful. Other than that we'll do it just about any time unless I've been super busy and too stressed out. Or if I'm really upset over something, then sex isnt always a good idea.
05/26/2011
SamsDelight SamsDelight
Quote:
Originally posted by tffnyandrs
we hit a lull occasionally but never forgo intimate contact in stressful or crisis situations (i.e. a huge life change). We need each other. It helps us to reaffirm our love and let's us know someone is there for them that get's what we are ... More
I am with you on the hormones crazy during my period. They go crazy during my period and every pregnancy.
05/26/2011
ac0313 ac0313
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
I'm with Brosia on this one.

We have sex a lot, but if we are tired or one of us is not feeling well, the other is not put off because they are not getting it. For us, sex can act as a great stress and menstrual cramp/symptom reliever. ... More
Similar for us. In fact, we just had sex as well as me masterbating her during her period last week. It did wonders to keep the cramps virtually non-existent!
05/29/2011
indiglo indiglo
Honestly, I don't think it's a great idea to stop having sex for an extended period of time. If we go several days we start irritating each other, and I start to feel very disconnected and just "off". If one of us is sick/hurt/in pain, or too tired we won't do it. We also don't take it personally if the other person can't due to sickness or exhaustion. But we make sure to talk about it and make it clear that the mind is willing and able, it's just the body that isn't up to par at that particular time.

Not too long ago I had some serious issues with a family member's health, and I felt guilty about being with my sweetie (getting pleasure while my family member was in the ICU seemed so selfish). We talked about it a lot though, and he helped me realize I wasn't hurting my family member or being selfish, I was just taking care of myself so I could continue taking care of my family member. And after a couple of days we did have sex because I really needed to feel that closeness again and feel safe - it was a wonderful release of stress and after an amazing orgasm I had a good cry and slept like a log. Sometimes under stress just reconnecting on that level is the best thing you can do. You can just get all those bad feelings out of you.

Agree with BBW too - in times of stress many men want more sex (to relieve stress, feel loved and nurtured, etc.) while many women want less sex (too stressed to relax enough, etc.). In long term relationships it's all about give and take - if you take care of your partner, they're happier to take care of you.
05/29/2011
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