Flirting and seduction before sex

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Flirting and seduction before sex

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Contributor: Vaccinium Vaccinium
I've been wondering about whether I am expecting too much from my wife of 14 years. I crave being seduced and flirted with in the hours before sex because it makes me feel desirable and because it makes the sex that much better. It doesn't necessarily have to be anything too involved, but something other than having a normal evening and crawling into bed to find someone who wants sex. I know it is totally unreasonable for this to happen every time-- sometimes quickies are just necessary-- but that doesn't stop me from wanting the flirting and seduction each time.

I guess what I'd like to know is how frequently the flirtation and seduction precedes sex and how frequently it's "just sex" for other couples. If I'm being unreasonable, I want to deal with that. Thanks, everyone.
01/22/2011
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Contributor: Envy Envy
I can't offer much as I'm not married and am in a long distance relationship going on 4 years, but i will say that communication is key. My bf tells me what he likes, what he wants, etc. As for seduction, we do it back and forth to each other, though he does it more than i do since I have a low libido.

Perhaps bring it up to her? You can always start doing little things to each other, too, like dirty text messages, little touches as you walk by, making suggestions, etc.
01/22/2011
Contributor: Dark Muse Dark Muse
My partner and I are not married yet, but I understand where you are coming from. I feel like stress and other circumstances just kind of get in the way and we have a lot more quickies. They are ok, but I really enjoy the flirting and seduction that goes on before hand throughout the day.

Like Goth said, one thing I will do is text him little messages about what I want to do to him later or sexy pictures of myself. I also will touch him, lick him, etc. when he's doing something else like watching tv to get him thinking about it. Maybe you can take control and start teasing her. If you set the stage she may just follow, and start trying to seduce you back. We also try to plan sex marathon days. If we know we are blocking out a certain time just to fool around and have sex, it heightens the anticipation and we don't have to worry about getting x y and z done.

If it still is a problem, you may want to bring it up to her. Maybe she just needs encouragement because she doesn't feel as sexy. Maybe she's really stressed and needs a little pampering first. Whatever the reason, open communication can't hurt.
01/22/2011
Contributor: Vaccinium Vaccinium
Don't get me wrong, I know this needs to be resolved and that I need to make my feelings completely plain to my wife rather than sugar-coating it. I just really would like to hear from other long-term couples whether I am being unreasonable in expecting the seduction, flirting, and romance/lust (depending on our moods) most days in the hours leading up to sex.

And don't get me wrong, my wife is a wonderful, wonderful woman who makes everything that I enjoy in my life possible. I do everything I possibly can to ease her burden so she can relax and enjoy life-- not because I'm hoping it will get me laid or flirted with, but because that is what she deserves. I go all out trying to seduce and flirt with her too, not just leading up to sex, but every day I see her. She loves me and we share intimate moments every day, but I just.....you know.....want to feel desired too.

[/whine over]
01/22/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I definitely see exactly where you are coming from. And I have to say, though I'm sorry for the way you feel, I am happy to hear something like this coming from a man. I think we sometimes forget that men need to feel desired too. It's easy to forget that, and I'm going to try to work a little harder to make my partner feel desirable too. We flirt a fair amount, but I wouldn't say for hours leading up to sex, maybe more like minutes. LOL

I sure do wish you the best!
01/23/2011
Contributor: Porfiriato Porfiriato
If you have needs that aren't being fulfilled, I agree with other users that say be honest and open about what you want
01/23/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Vaccinium
Don't get me wrong, I know this needs to be resolved and that I need to make my feelings completely plain to my wife rather than sugar-coating it. I just really would like to hear from other long-term couples whether I am being unreasonable in ... more
I do not think you are being unreasonable at all in expecting or hoping your mate will show you that she is looking forward to and desiring to be with you. For us, that seduction is the beginning of our foreplay. When I begin seducing my husband, his reaction or lack there of, is my clue whether or not to pursue things further. Once in a blue moon, the flirts are not reciprocated, and if that is the case, it is soon followed by explanation (not feeling well, need a nap first, whatever...) to avoid feelings of rejection.

We've been married 17 years. There was a time when my husband was very much in your shoes. He talked to me about it and told me because I wasn't participating in the seduction efforts, it made him feel less than, or that I didn't want him or that I didn't desire him. I have seen my husband heartbroken only a couple of times in our years together and this was one of them. I wish I could say I snapped out of it immediately and got right in there, unfortunately I did not. It took time for his words and the way he felt to really sink in (I'm really stubborn and hard-headed; a true Irish red-head) and for me to feel comfortable enough within my own skin (self esteem issues are a bitch!) to even believe I had the ability to seduce my husband.

I am so grateful I was finally able to move past all that shit. So is he! Talk to her. Be gentle. Hopefully she'll come around. In the mean time, be good to yourself.
01/23/2011
Contributor: mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
I do not think you are being unreasonable at all in expecting or hoping your mate will show you that she is looking forward to and desiring to be with you. For us, that seduction is the beginning of our foreplay. When I begin seducing my husband, ... more
good luck
01/24/2011
Contributor: Vaccinium Vaccinium
Well, folks, it definitely came all out in the open last night..... but not quite the way I expected. The same thing happened leading up to sex-- no flirting, no seduction, no playfulness. I figured sex without feeling desired was better than no sex at all, so we started in on the foreplay and then the sex. But a funny-- well, not so funny, fairly embarrassing, actually-- thing happened. I couldn't perform. It didn't take long for me to realize what was going on, so I just focused on giving her an orgasm.

She asked me what was wrong, and I told her. What surprised me is that she already knew exactly what I was going to say. She had already had been thinking about it for a while now. Her explanation is that she is always so tired that she can't get in the mood to do put in the effort of flirting and seducing.

So there we are, we need to figure out what is making her so tired all the time and fix that. Unfortunately, I think we just went through the easy part.

Oh, I want to thank all of you for your kind words and well wishes. I'm really glad I found this community. It helps.
01/24/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Vaccinium
Well, folks, it definitely came all out in the open last night..... but not quite the way I expected. The same thing happened leading up to sex-- no flirting, no seduction, no playfulness. I figured sex without feeling desired was better than no ... more
Well, at least it is a starting place which is more than what you had yesterday. I had a complete medical work-up and found out, in my case, several things were contributing to my fatigue. Things are much much better now. It also helps the both of us to know when I am feeling exhausted that there is a very REAL reason as to why I am exhausted. For us, figuring out the cause was a long journey. Things are incredible now. Hang there.
01/24/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by Vaccinium
Well, folks, it definitely came all out in the open last night..... but not quite the way I expected. The same thing happened leading up to sex-- no flirting, no seduction, no playfulness. I figured sex without feeling desired was better than no ... more
I'm really glad to hear that! Feeling tired all the time can leave you too drained to even feel sexy, let alone think about making someone else feel sexy. This is a great start. I agree, it may take a little while to get things sorted, but knowing you're on the way is a relief in itself! You can get where you want to be, and you can get there together.
01/24/2011