Have you or someone you know ever been in an abusive relationship?

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Have you or someone you know ever been in an abusive relationship?

js250 js250
js250
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I have a close friend who called me last night in an absolute panic. The guy she is with sat on her, held her down and put a bag over her mouth and nose to keep her from leaving during a vicious fight. I let her crash at my house and told her she needed some help. She agrees, but I know she will go back after he cries and says he is so sorry, was just the alcohol-so frustrating. Anyone else in this situation? How have you helped? If in a relationship, what was your catalyst? What made you leave?
10/15/2011
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
My ex-husband used to work as a night auditor at an hotel in Montana, and he frequently saw battered women stop in in the middle of the night with either their car packed or a moving truck (and sometimes children with them). They would beg him not to tell whomever calls for her to tell them she wasn't there (legally, he couldn't anyway). They had to make a run for it in the middle of the night to escape their abusers. And the abusers would call, demanding if so-and-so was there, and my ex said 'Never heard of them.'

PUTTING A FUCKING BAG ON HER FACE???? She needs to get the fuck out NOW! He's going to end up KILLING HER.

Codependency is not a recognized mental disorder (yet), which is why the law continues to allow the victim to take back their abuser. Children are taken away when their lives are in danger, but codependent women are expected to 'know better'. No, they frequently don't, and they usually end up dead because of it.

Get her counseling or something, before she ends up another statistic!
10/15/2011
- Kira - - Kira -
My mom was in an abusive relationship with my dad. He slammed her against walls and threw glass objects at her etc. She finally left when she went to therapy and realized she was worth more than that. It took her a long time because her self esteem was low and she didn't want to break up a family. She realized that breaking up the family was better than having a dysfunctional one. She got over her codependency and is now very self sufficient with high self esteem. I'm really proud of how far she's come from how I remember her as a child and how she is now.

I've also had friends in abusive relationships who left after years of abuse. Most of them it took almost being killed to leave because they never went to therapy. I tried helping the best I could, but none of them would listen and cry to to me about how much they loved the person and that he would never do it again. After a while it just got frustrating for me. I wanted to help so much but was helpless to stop it.

It's hard to leave an abusive relationship because there's a factor of codependency, a factor of low self esteem, and sometimes a factor of that being all the person has ever known.

I hope your friend leave and leaves soon. Tell her to seek out a therapist or an abused women's shelter. They have resources that don't require the funds that therapy does. They can hide people in case the abuser seeks them out to harm them for leaving.
10/15/2011
js250 js250
Chilipepper: Thanks for your reply, she is the only friend I have or have had going through this. Thank gosh there are no kids! I have told her to leave him several times and she keeps going back, I am afraid I am going to get a call one of these days, that she didn't make it.

Stainedclear: Your mom is a brave and strong woman!! I am proud of her for leaving and getting help, so many I guess do not.I have checked into the domestic violence program here for her and she continues to go back without looking into her options.

I am sad, scared and frustrated. My friend is now stating that the plastic bag was not deliberate, he tried to shove the daily paper into her mouth. It was encased in a plastic bag and he held it over her face. WTF? Excusing him already? I cannot abandon her, but I really want her to wake up, it isn't the alcohol, it is him. Even if it was alcohol, when is enough? When has he gone too far?
10/15/2011
- Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Chilipepper: Thanks for your reply, she is the only friend I have or have had going through this. Thank gosh there are no kids! I have told her to leave him several times and she keeps going back, I am afraid I am going to get a call one of these ...
So shoving a paper in her mouth is okay? Yeah, not so much.

If she thinks it's the alcohol then she should at least do some type of intervention and get him in AA. If he gets sober and is still abusive (I bet he will be) then hopefully she will come to her senses. It doesn't really matter what the reason is though - abuse is never okay.
10/15/2011
Beck Beck
OH my Putting a back over her face. It is only a matter of time before he seriously hurts her if not kills her. It is a shame when relationships are like this. I feel for her, but at the same time she is blind. If that is not enough to make her leave then nothing is. I guess you could always call the law and say what she told you. If there is evidence on her they maybe able to break her to talk. Most likely not though because she feels like she loves him.

What you are doing; being a good friend and allowing her to stay when she needs to; is most likely the best you can do. She needs you but at the same time you do not need some wacko trying to come over and shot up your whole house because she is at your house and she left him. I think next time she needs to go to a motel or something where he can not find her. She really needs to look into battered women's things. Maybe you can talk to her but it most likely will not work. She more than likely already forgives him.

I think I would have to try the law thing. Maybe just maybe they can get through to her.
10/15/2011
Peggi Peggi
Several of my friends were in relationships like this, but they left before it got too terrible. I, on the other hand, wasn't so smart about it. I stayed with him, married him, stuck around for 6 years before deciding I'd had enough. He hit me regularly, he knocked me unconscious several times, raped me twice, one of those times being RIGHT after a major back surgery. He was verbally abusive to me and convinced me for years that I was worthless and ugly and no one would love me if I left him.
10/15/2011
Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
Several of my friends were in relationships like this, but they left before it got too terrible. I, on the other hand, wasn't so smart about it. I stayed with him, married him, stuck around for 6 years before deciding I'd had enough. He ...
AWWWWWWW relationshipslike this make me mad. I am so sorry you went throw this!
10/15/2011
GravyCakes GravyCakes
i have never been in this type of situation, but i did hear about how a former close friend of mine had been in an abusive relationship w/ one guy. i remembered when she dated that guy & never knew there were problems b/c i only saw them together once at a football game. i didn't find out about it till a few yrs later, & i never found out about any of the specifics.
10/15/2011
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
Several of my friends were in relationships like this, but they left before it got too terrible. I, on the other hand, wasn't so smart about it. I stayed with him, married him, stuck around for 6 years before deciding I'd had enough. He ...
Sorry you went through this! My friend has been with him for four or five years now, he has her brainwashed that she is stupid, ugly, etc. I hope she finds her strenght soon-before it is too late. I have called the police and without her collaberation or willingness to press charges they can not do anything here. WTF are they for then?
10/15/2011
M121212 M121212
Js250, that is so horrible!

I'm sorry I don't have any advise to give. I have a friend who is not terribly close who was in an abusive relationship for quite a few years. Finally she ended it after breaking up and getting back together with him many times. I guess all I can say is that is is possible to end these situations, and my best thoughts and wishes go to everyone who has to suffer through them.
10/15/2011
js250 js250
THANK YOU all for your advice, experiences and just for being here to help me be strong for her!!!! You all are really the neatest people I have met in a long time.
10/18/2011
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 7