He says I have too many toys...

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He says I have too many toys...

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Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
I am pretty selective when it comes to toys. I try to choose toys that are different in texture, style, vibration, material, use, performance, etc. I try to avoid getting two or 3 or 4 of the same thing because ultimately I won't be using them all.

I routinely go through the collection to clear out the clutter of things I don't use/that doesn't work for me, give things away or recycle them. So my toy box, although filled with variety, is never actually completely full.

Everytime I get a new toy/product to review, my guy makes me feel very guilty. He asks when I'll ever have enough. He says that I would get upset with him if he had 20 hockey sticks. I feel like he doesn't understand how certain products are better than others and you just have to try things to find out. So everytime I get a new toy I have to muster up my courage to let him know. His reaction kills me every time. I don't hide things from him but the way he makes me feel sort of makes me want to stop telling him when new things come in (I have never not told him about any new toys).

He is hard on me about my toys and isn't very at ease about using them either but he won't stop me from using my toys alone or object using toys during sex.

What do you guys think? Has this happenned in your relationship? How would you deal with this? It's not an issue about him not liking my toys, it's an issue about him thinking and feeling that I have enough and should be satisfied.
01/05/2011
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Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Would you get upset if he had 20 hockey sticks? Why would you care what he collects with what is presumably his own money? To me, and I don't know you or your boyfriend, it sounds like he is jealous of either the toys or the amount of money you invest in them. If it's the toys then he needs to do a reality check...he is more than a match for any vibrator or dildo. If it's the money then you need to have a real conversation about boundaries...unless you are spending HIS money on the toys.
You have the right to decide when enough is enough it's simply not his business. Controlling behavior hurts your relationship and points to a crack that won't go away.
You need to have a conversation with him, he may not realize how badly what he says is hurting you. That may not be his intention...but if it is then you really need to reassess if it's worth investing more time in to a relationship with someone who can't allow you to decide for yourself how many toys is enough. What's next? He gets to decide how many shirts you own? How many shoes? Books? What?
Were it me I would have told him flat out that if he wants 20 hockey sticks or 200 as long as he can store them properly it's not my business how many he gets!
I presume you aren't beggaring yourself for these toys...so tell him to mind his own business!
01/05/2011
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Would you get upset if he had 20 hockey sticks? Why would you care what he collects with what is presumably his own money? To me, and I don't know you or your boyfriend, it sounds like he is jealous of either the toys or the amount of money you ... more
Very well put, I agree.
He needs to calm down!! Way out of line IMO.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
My boyfriend doesn't mind, but I don't get any huge dildos or anything.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Would you get upset if he had 20 hockey sticks? Why would you care what he collects with what is presumably his own money? To me, and I don't know you or your boyfriend, it sounds like he is jealous of either the toys or the amount of money you ... more
Thanks for the support. I spend my own money and I really don't care how much of anything he has, its his decision.

He is very controling when it comes down to money, which I can understand but we are very modest in our expenses. Especially since I am a student and live on loans and bursaries and money from work during summer. He pesters me about clothes and shoes too but he has never stopped me from getting anything.

I think we will have to have a real conversation. We talk about it from time to time but we sort of have 2 minute talks and we just avoid a full blown conversation about it.

I think it has to do with his values about owning only what you need. He only gets new clothes when his clothes is very tattered and torn. He is like this for many things and he feels very guilty about buying himself things, even when he needs them.

So I guess I will have to tell him that I feel comfortable getting toys that to him seem too much and that he might not be comfortable with it bcs of how he sees things but he should try to understand me too. I have explained to him how I clean out my toy chest and make sure I don't get duplicates of very similar toys. Maybe I should explain to him that I do this to be considerate of how he feels about my collection, that might help him ease off...
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Illusional
My boyfriend doesn't mind, but I don't get any huge dildos or anything.
Neither do I, I avoid all realistic or semi-realistic toys. I'm afraid he'll feel inadequate if I do. Maybe one day I'll be able to try something realistic but for now I'm happy sticking to the non-realistic things. I don't try toys that are girthier than him either.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Autumn Brent Autumn Brent
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Neither do I, I avoid all realistic or semi-realistic toys. I'm afraid he'll feel inadequate if I do. Maybe one day I'll be able to try something realistic but for now I'm happy sticking to the non-realistic things. I don't try ... more
Mine likes it when I use mine durring sex, I had at one time also felt that if I got a realistic one, that even though he's well endowed he might feel threatened but he really seems to want me to get one so he can fuck me with it. I'm fine with that, I love getting new toys!
01/06/2011
Contributor: Yoda Yoda
I get his point of view. It's very easy to get carried away with sex toys and end up offending a partner who doesn't share your enjoyment of them. I know it's hard to believe, especially here on EF, but some people think that sex toys are pretty strange, depraved, or flat out stupid. I sure did before I bought my first one. My wife still thinks they are. But over time I`ve shown that they have their place in our bedroom, but also that she will always be the main event for me. Maybe you boyfriend needs reassuring of this.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Crystal1 Crystal1
I would have the conversation you mentioned with him- better to deal with it now than let the problem get worse! Does he react the same way if you buy new clothes, makeup, etc, or is it just limited to toys? My gut reaction was that it sounds like he's intimidated by them somehow.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Jobthingy Jobthingy
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Would you get upset if he had 20 hockey sticks? Why would you care what he collects with what is presumably his own money? To me, and I don't know you or your boyfriend, it sounds like he is jealous of either the toys or the amount of money you ... more
exactly.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Teaser Teaser
As a guy he may feel threatened by the toys, that you may need or want them as much, or more, than you do him, or that he may not be stacking up well compared to them. Most men think different than most women. It's all about the biggest, strongest, longest, highest whatever, and I'm thinking that in an outright competition, the Energizer Bunny will win over almost any guy every time. So you may need to explain to him that you don't NEED the toys, but you enjoy the variety. You don't eat just hamburg do you? Sometimes a hot dog, or pasta is nice. And sometimes you can enjoy the hamburg, the hot dog AND the pasta all together! If you are like many woman, you can enjoy the toys and him all in the same session, your not once-and-done like many guys, so tell him that.
I suppose the other scenario is that he is just a control freak, and he just has to try to control everything around him all the time, and he can't control you getting toys, and he certainly isn't in control when you use them. This is something you need to look at very closely early on in your relationship, IMHO.
01/06/2011
Contributor: liilii080 liilii080
Just wanted to give you a pat on the back for always being honest with him. I hope you guys are able to come to an agreement about what works for you both but he has to appreciate that you have never gone behind his back. Good luck!
01/06/2011
Contributor: Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
My ex used to guilt me when I bought toys to use by myself. He was convinced I was trying to replace him, this was not limited to toys though, he was also convinced that I had slept with every guy I knew and would eventually leave him for one of them, or that I was already cheating. I NEVER CHEATED. I never have or will. But I did leave him and am still single by choice.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Initially my b/f was very negative about my toys, he thought he was inadequate and honestly resented my toys. I used them alone (vibes) and stayed away from realistic dils. Many guys are threatened by toys. He did eventuality come around but in a way I never anticipated....toys make his work easier!! He said a prolonged oral session was going to give him "lock jaw", toys to the rescue! Is he totally into toys? No!, he feels I have too many (I don't) as I am always sorting them out.
He buys some now, not many, but a toy for a specific purpose. He recently bought the Hitachi for BDSM play.

Following others above, why not hockey sticks if he wants them? No two sticks are exactly the same...feel, wood, angle..

I do believe an honest conversation about control issues and money is in order.

Relationships are not easy and all need work and attention. Right now we don't live together full time. May be dumb and expensive but we are getting there...again not easy.

Good luck Hun......
01/06/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
Initially my b/f was very negative about my toys, he thought he was inadequate and honestly resented my toys. I used them alone (vibes) and stayed away from realistic dils. Many guys are threatened by toys. He did eventuality come around but in a way ... more
Liz2 is right - the toys can make a man's life much easier. But honestly that's predicated on his approach. If he just wants to 'get off' and get on with his life - the toys will just slow him down and remind him that you're not satisfied.

However - if making you feel good - makes him feel good, the toys are a big help.

After we use our toys my wife goes out of her way to make sure she does something special for me. At first it was the usual BJ or intercourse - now I have some toys of my own that we incorporate!

When I have a strongly vibrating plug in and she rides cowgirl - your talking some serious benefits for both! Likewise if she has the plug in during intercourse - that's even better!

This stuff doesn't happen over night - we've been at it for about 10 of our 21+ years.

I hope your guy figures out that sex is mutual benefit and will come around.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Crystal1
I would have the conversation you mentioned with him- better to deal with it now than let the problem get worse! Does he react the same way if you buy new clothes, makeup, etc, or is it just limited to toys? My gut reaction was that it sounds like ... more
It extends to all things, I have a lot of clothes but I have different occupations which requires variety (causual, dressy, gym, and crappy clothes for cleaning/painting, etc) and everything I buy I get only when it is a really discounted price. Anything I buy will cause him to roll his eyes grunt and say, "don't you already have something like that" or "You have so much, why more?".

I don't know, I try to be wise in my purchases and I try to get things on sale but anything I get, even when I purchased it with a lot of forethought on whether I really need it and if I have anything similar will cause the a fore mentionned reaction.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by liilii080
Just wanted to give you a pat on the back for always being honest with him. I hope you guys are able to come to an agreement about what works for you both but he has to appreciate that you have never gone behind his back. Good luck!
Thanks
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
Liz2 is right - the toys can make a man's life much easier. But honestly that's predicated on his approach. If he just wants to 'get off' and get on with his life - the toys will just slow him down and remind him that you're not ... more
He does sometimes propose that I use toys during intercourse. I rarely initiate it, I wait for him to propose the use of a toy. He does enjoy that I get pleasure from the toy but he knows that I need him more than the toys and that they could never replace him.

I don't need my toys to orgasm during sex but when I have had trouble I have taken out a vibe to make it over the hill but we rarely use toys during intercourse. From time to time he enjoys watching me use my toys to demonstrate squirting extravagansas. I think in the end he doesn't mind the toys as they bring me to orgasm but if it were up to him I would have two toys and I should be happy with only the two.

Our sex life is VERY vanilla. I have talked to him about doing some light BDSM scenes and a bit of spanking. He's just so traditional, plain BJ and PIV sex with different positions. I am happy with our sex life in the sense that we both get a lot of pleasure from what we do but I wish he was more open and would push the boundry a little more. I'm not bored with our sex life, I just need more variety and different types of pleasure.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
He does sometimes propose that I use toys during intercourse. I rarely initiate it, I wait for him to propose the use of a toy. He does enjoy that I get pleasure from the toy but he knows that I need him more than the toys and that they could never ... more
Sounds to me like he's getting use to the toys. You're both quite young and if the rest of the relationship is solid, things will improve over time. I've spent most of 21 years trying to get my reluctant spouse to try new things - and slowly she has obliged. Grudgingly at times - but she continues to grow and that's enough for me. Sounds like your on the right track - focus on the positives and enjoy opening him up - like your flower!
01/06/2011
Contributor: removedacnt removedacnt
It sounds to me like this is more about money issues than toy issues. I do think you need to have a very long, thorough talk with him about this. I know how it is when you don't want to fight, so you pretty much avoid the conversation. But money issues and control issues are HUGE! More marriages (relationships) have broken up over these than anything else. And avoiding them will not save your relationship. There may very well come a point where you're so fed up that you blow up and have a fight, when you could avoid that by having a calm conversation now about it. It may take more than one talk too. You two should to work out these differences calmly now. It will be worth it.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
Sounds to me like he's getting use to the toys. You're both quite young and if the rest of the relationship is solid, things will improve over time. I've spent most of 21 years trying to get my reluctant spouse to try new things - and ... more
Thanks for the encouragement, I'll still have a talk with him to better understand him and see if we can find a compramise.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by removedacnt
It sounds to me like this is more about money issues than toy issues. I do think you need to have a very long, thorough talk with him about this. I know how it is when you don't want to fight, so you pretty much avoid the conversation. But money ... more
We don't like to argue but we have no problems discussing usually but when it comes to my purchases he's always had something to say over the 6 yrs we've been together but it is only just recently that my partner just said that he was really tired of my purchases and the way he said it really scared me in the sense that he wants something to change.

I'm not worried that he would actually leave me bcs of the toy collection but it has crossed my mind quickly but it is irrational to me. We've argued over things that have had a greater impact on our relationship and we're still together.

My partner is very hard on anyone who divereges from the way he thinks, or the way he thinks things should be or the way he thinks soemone should act. He judges his friends and makes really mean jokes about them and when I point this out to him he laughs it off looks at me cross and says that he doesn't understand why I'm bothering him about it as it is clearly just a joke...

I think this whole thing has to do with his perception of how things should be, how money should be spent, about his values basiclly.

I don't want to point things out about him that he might not realize himself bcs he will just get defensive and not listen to me anymore. I think I'll just try to tell him my point of view, and see if I can get a deeper understanding of how he thinks and see if we can come to a decision that will benefit us both.

Thanks for the advice NuMe
01/06/2011
Contributor: Envy Envy
I can't really add much more than what has already been said, but... have you two thought about couples counseling? If things can't be talked about in an adult manner and there's an underlying issue that can't seem to be resolved, perhaps you need an outsider to help with finding out what is the exact cause for the problem and how to work through it.

In the end it may just be a compatibility issue, and if he can't accept you fully for who you are, you need to put your foot down and give him an ultimatum. I know if I was in your shoes I would be rather angry at being told what i can or cannot get and do by something who's not family. The only person whom i would listen to would be my father, but a bf who tells me I can't have toys or I have too much? Well, either you deal with it or you go away, I'm not changing what i like just to make you feel more comfortable, I don't have the issues, you do.

Just my two cents, though, and my own personal feeling/opinion. I still suggest a counselor, though.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
We don't like to argue but we have no problems discussing usually but when it comes to my purchases he's always had something to say over the 6 yrs we've been together but it is only just recently that my partner just said that he was ... more
Sweetie you have to understand that a relationship/marriage isn't about his views being the only important ones. It's about compromise and delighting in your partner's quirks. He has a problem with the way you spend money...but it's YOUR money to spend. It's your money even if you aren't being responsible with it! It's not his business to comment or complain, though that never stops us does it?
If it's a major problem now time isn't going to change it, actively making a boundary and enforcing it will. When he makes his comments look him right in the eye and tell him, "I've heard your words and I will think on them before I comment." Then walk away, there's no sense talking while he is feeling like he has the upper hand and you are on the defensive. If he follows you continue to say the EXACT same thing until he gets bored and gets the point. Refuse to be drawn in to the same old argument.
When you feel you are utterly calm and collected, tell him that you appreciate his concern for your well being but you will continue to spend your money according to YOUR beliefs and desires. Then be firm about it. You are the one who will face any consequence of your own wrongful spending. Being ascetic and denying yourself pretty new things doesn't make you a better person...it makes you a miserable person to be around.
I have had to put that into practice in my own home so I know it isn't easy but it WILL work. If he isn't looking to abuse you with his controlling behavior he will come around and realize you aren't going to leave him penniless, if he is totally abusive at least you know it now 6 years in rather than after you've said "I do" and have kids.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Neither do I, I avoid all realistic or semi-realistic toys. I'm afraid he'll feel inadequate if I do. Maybe one day I'll be able to try something realistic but for now I'm happy sticking to the non-realistic things. I don't try ... more
Yeah, mine are all sparkly pinks and blues, and not realistic.
01/06/2011
Contributor: HaDestro HaDestro
An ex of mine had a pretty big problem with using toys, and me having them - that is, until he moved 500+ miles away and then wanted phone-fun-time, and then demanded I get some to please him sound-wise. I was always very annoyed by his double-standard. Eventually, I found someone who was surprised at first - namely due to the size of the toys. But with explanation with how 8 inches won't necessarily fit, and having them in silly colors/odd shapes, it calmed him down and actually opened him up to the idea.

The ex, however, was much like your boyfriend now - constantly complaining about the waste of money. It started quite a handful of petty arguments, quite honestly. I think it was due to my not telling him right at the beginning about my long-time dream of having an extensive toy collection (because let's face it, there are some collectible toys out there, they just call your name sometimes), and he felt threatened by them, even though we were so far apart for 90% of the time. It's really quite a dilemma - it's not that he's closed-minded, but he just doesn't see your point of view - and heaven forbid if you wanna try something for him with a toy. I have truly felt your pain, madam. All I could personally do was try to explain to him, and to any other bedfellows, that it's not about the SIZE or being UNFULFILLED, it's about what toys can do for me that men feasibly can't - and that doesn't make me lust for him any less.
01/06/2011
Contributor: ihavenipples ihavenipples
As a heterosexual male, I like to stand up for the guys when possible, but in this case I must say, your guy needs to get over himself. He needs to come down off his pedistal and stop looking down on everyone. His way is not the only way.

In response to several of the posts, it's really sweet that you consider your man's feelings when buying toys, but I don't think it should be an issue. That's just my opinion. I bought a gf dildos that looked like a penis and were bigger than me. There is no reason to be threatened by a toy. I say get a big suction cup rubber dong and slap it to the coffee table or shower wall and call your guy in there while you're riding it. Suck him off while you cum on the dildo then jump his bones right there on the floor. If he's worth your time, hell never be threatened by that thing ever again. He needs to understand or think it just makes you want him even more.
01/06/2011
Contributor: KnK KnK
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I am pretty selective when it comes to toys. I try to choose toys that are different in texture, style, vibration, material, use, performance, etc. I try to avoid getting two or 3 or 4 of the same thing because ultimately I won't be using them ... more
I've had very mixed results when it comes to talking to men about sex toys that I own. I've gotten everything from extreme fascination and asking if they can watch me play with myself, a strangely high level of respect that I could have toys and still be a technical virgin (he also thought it was hot and told me he wished more women were like me...weird conversation to have with a male friend), and then most recently I've received what sounds like jealousy. He jokes that toys are threatening to men and essentially replace them sexually. This friend of mine I had considered being friends with benefits with him, but now I'm just getting annoyed with him and his indignation towards my toy collection. I might just stay friends with him since nothing has happened yet.

Since I'm not in any relationship, I can simply just leave the situation or not do anything if I so choose. You, however are in what sounds like a committed relationship with a very spend thrift man. I can't vouch for him, but a part of his nagging sounds like it is out of concern for the finances, however, there very well might be some jealousy of your toys. Men can feel inferior when they compare themselves to a toy. A woman in control of her own pleasure is also intimidating to a man. Stupid as it is, it's true. It's not like men don't masturbate, but they seem to flip shit if we do.

I wouldn't know how to best go about the conversation, but I think Airen Wolf definitely has a good start in that arena
01/06/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
Initially my b/f was very negative about my toys, he thought he was inadequate and honestly resented my toys. I used them alone (vibes) and stayed away from realistic dils. Many guys are threatened by toys. He did eventuality come around but in a way ... more
Some additional thoughts....in general, I find jock type guys to be tough to deal with, and yes my b/f is one. With "jocks" everything is black or white, either a goal or not a goal...no room for 1/2 a goal and they follow the rules of the game. So when my b/f was uncomfortable about toys, I told him in a non-confrontational way, that toys are part of my sexual pleasure and that his cock will not be replaced by them. (the rules) I did agree that I would try not to overwhelm him with toys and went on from there.

I like others still believe that the issue is more then toys.. rather, control and money. You said that you are buying your own clothes and toys, the EF program certainly helps.

My b/f will now admit that our sex life is better with toys but I can still sense at times, he just wants to get off, period!

NB: So many times the real issues are not the ones presented....

Good luck.....
01/06/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Sweetie you have to understand that a relationship/marriage isn't about his views being the only important ones. It's about compromise and delighting in your partner's quirks. He has a problem with the way you spend money...but it's ... more
I will have to put my foot down for sure. He is very assertive and sometimes controling but he gives me a lot of freedom in other areas. He just has a hard time dealing with the issue.

It's hard for me to defend myself with him bcs he always wants the upper hand and be right and he is good at making others feels bad and making sure he falls on top. It's always been that way and I love him how he is and can deal with his personality but I would like it if he stood down for once and tried to see me rather than brand something with a big red x and look away confident in his idea.

I will talk with him later tonight once we're together calm and relaxed. We are very good communicators, we speak calmly and take turns. We have never discussed anything without fully completing the discussion with a feeling of satisfaction on both sides.

I don't feel like he is trying to control me, I just think he is insecure about how I spend my money and makes little comments here and there that make me feel bad but he doesn't understand how bad he makes me feel.

Wish me luck! I'll post later to let you know how it went
01/06/2011