How do you tell your partner you don't like how they perform?

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How do you tell your partner you don't like how they perform?

link82 link82
How do you tell your partner that you don't like certain things they do in bed? Sometimes it gets tough because you have already had sex and never said anything, but the relationship is progressing and you know you have to say something soon! How do you put it nicely?
04/12/2011
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indiglo indiglo
I think more than saying what you don't like, the next time it happens, show them what you'd like more. For example, if their hand is somewhere you don't like it, move it where you want it. You don't necessarily have to say anything specific, just show them what you want them to do. Then, by your reaction they'll be able to tell what you like more. Then later, tell them - WOW, when you did X it really drove me wild. Try positive reinforcement that way. It's possible that might work, and then you never have to crush their ego.
04/12/2011
PiratePrincess PiratePrincess
My partner and I have always talked about what we like and what we don't like during sex. We used to have some things we did to each other that we were not fans of, and by talking it out, we were able to figure it out and make improvements.
04/12/2011
married with children married with children
If you cant come out and talk about it without some one getting angry. Then maybe suggest to them that it feels better or you can get off easier when it is done "this way". Just dont make them feel like they are doing something wrong. It is not about right and wrong. It is about what works best for both of you.
04/13/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by link82
How do you tell your partner that you don't like certain things they do in bed? Sometimes it gets tough because you have already had sex and never said anything, but the relationship is progressing and you know you have to say something soon! ...
I simply ask if I can talk to him and then gently tell him what is bugging me...usually it's an assumption of what I like based on faulty information and we, as a unit, like to clear that up as quick as possible.
I recently hurt Sigel very deeply because in the middle of play I didn't stop him and he actually hurt me. It nearly broke his heart to hear that I was hurt, even though it was very minor, and it just wasn't worth the eventual emotional damage to keep quiet.
We've found that if you are matter of fact and use "I" statements [ie: I feel (blank) when you (blank) and I think if we try this it will help.] help to lessen the impact and ease the possible ego bruising. Be aware, though, that you runt he risk of getting a lot of emotional reaction if you've kept it a secret and your partner(s) believe you are actually satisfied. Or you might get laughed at for being silly and waiting to say something! Arch was actually offended that I didn't feel I could tell him what I liked in great detail...that's part of what turns him on.
04/13/2011
K101 K101
This is a good question! I've written a post recently on this on my blog.

I have had this problem in past relationships, but I was scared & uncomfortable & really just not into it EVER. I was too scared to ever speak up. The person made it clear that he wasn't there for BOTH of our pleasure, but for his and strictly his only. How foolish I was!

I actually haven't ever really had that problem with my current partner. The only things I've ever wanted to change was maybe the pace such as, wanting something faster, slower, etc. Nothing big though. That's mostly because he knows me well & always wants to know what I like & dislike. He's very "giving" Lol So usually he asks what I like best and I've never had any situation with him where I didn't like it or wanted something different. That's something I'm grateful for, because I'm not good at speaking up.

But, the advice I gave in a blog post was maybe try letting him know the things you DO like by slightly making a noise (or not so slightly lol) If you don't want to come out and say it, that's a good idea for showing him.

I've also heard men say that they like for women to take over and tell them what they want. You could try that. Or you can say "do this or that" but that's not always easy.

You could find a good time and start up a conversation about favorite sexual stuff. That's a good way to tell him. Ask him to tell you what he likes in bed & in return you'll tell him. Then you're less likely to get him on the defensive side that way.

I sure hope these help.
04/13/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I think more than saying what you don't like, the next time it happens, show them what you'd like more. For example, if their hand is somewhere you don't like it, move it where you want it. You don't necessarily have to say anything ...
This is the right approach - stay positive. The last thing you want is to have a guy second guessing himself - but if he know what you like - because you showed him, that should work well.
04/13/2011
mandiegk mandiegk
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I think more than saying what you don't like, the next time it happens, show them what you'd like more. For example, if their hand is somewhere you don't like it, move it where you want it. You don't necessarily have to say anything ...
I think you definitely have the right idea. I try to do this because I know how much I hate receiving any kind of criticism, even when it is meant to be constructive. Keep it positive so no one ends up feeling inadequate, but you still get your point across.
04/13/2011
newlady newlady
I've been married for...a long time. My husband listens, but doesn't "listen" - know what I mean? I actually am thinking of printing out some written 'instructions' for him just to see if THAT might clue him in. I don't really want to go into specific details here, but let's just say I'm a little disappointed & frustrated today! lol *sigh*
04/13/2011
lustforme lustforme
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I think more than saying what you don't like, the next time it happens, show them what you'd like more. For example, if their hand is somewhere you don't like it, move it where you want it. You don't necessarily have to say anything ...
I like what u said.
04/13/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by newlady
I've been married for...a long time. My husband listens, but doesn't "listen" - know what I mean? I actually am thinking of printing out some written 'instructions' for him just to see if THAT might clue him in. I don't ...
newlady - I can appreciate your frustration. My wife does the same thing - but I've found that if I'm persistent she will eventually 'get it'. I also give her letters that describe my fantasies. They are often way more 'over the top' than what we actually engage in - but I repeatedly include important details like applying and reapplying lube for anal play - and starting small before getting out bigger toys. It's a process - I hope things improve for you.
04/14/2011
FREE MR PERRY FREE MR PERRY
Quote:
Originally posted by link82
How do you tell your partner that you don't like certain things they do in bed? Sometimes it gets tough because you have already had sex and never said anything, but the relationship is progressing and you know you have to say something soon! ...
You should have an open conversation about your sex life with them thats the only way to make it better.
04/14/2011
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 11