How long would it take you to forgive your partner for meanly calling you a whore?

Sunshineamine Sunshineamine
Here's the story. My boyfriend and I were best friends for about five years before we got together and have been in a relationship for two years. We rarely fight but lately he's been edgy and moody and in a tiff he called me a whore. I instantly saw red and then began to cry because A: It hurt my feelings, and B: He doesn't normally says things like that to me. I told him that he needed to leave the house (we live together)and if I am with someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and potentially have children with I will be damned if they will call me a whore because that couldn't be further from the truth. He left for an hour and came back and it's been half a day and I won't look at him or speak to him. He is visibly sorry and I think he's too scared that I will rip his head off if he says one word to me. So how long do you guys think I should keep my mouth shut and keep my distance? This is his second offense in 2 years of using a really derogatory name like that.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
F*@$ that make his ass suffer forever!
3
Until he acts like a man and says sorry
34
1-2 days
3
3-4 days
At least a week
2
NEVER ... Kick him out and don't look back
1
Other .... because there is ALWAYS an other
26
Total votes: 69 (61 voters)
Poll is closed
09/04/2011
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Antipova Antipova
That must have been really hurtful!

Did he say it because he really believes it? Or did he say it because he knew it was an effective way to make you mad (just pushing your buttons)?

Either one is a pretty hard thing to live with, but I guess my answer would ultimately depend on what spirit it was said in.
09/04/2011
Illusional Illusional
I mean, if you really love him... call him.
Tell him you two need to talk. Write down how you feel in case you get emotional.
He obviously is going through something right now and he took it out on you, THAT'S not a good enough reason though.
I wouldn't let him move back in right away, but.. I'd talk with him.
09/04/2011
sktb0007 sktb0007
I voted other because I am wondering the same as Antipova.. Did he do it because he just wanted to make you mad and knew it would?

If my boyfriend were to ever call me that, I'd be taken back and confused. I'd say? Are you effing serious? Do you seriously believe that?

then I'd wait for the answer.

I know sometimes things can be said in the heat of an arguement so it would really depend on his answer after I asked that. If he truly thought I was, then he can go to .. well, you know.

If he said no, then I'd be like, "alright well apologize then because thats effing rude". Then I'd hold a little grudge for an hour or so.
09/04/2011
sktb0007 sktb0007
Quote:
Originally posted by sktb0007
I voted other because I am wondering the same as Antipova.. Did he do it because he just wanted to make you mad and knew it would?

If my boyfriend were to ever call me that, I'd be taken back and confused. I'd say? Are you effing ... More
Ohh I didn't actually see the one option "until he man's up and apologizes".. I would have clicked that box too but I guess I was too quick to reply lol woopsie!
09/04/2011
Ansley Ansley
It could just be a maturity issue. Talk to him calmly and explain that if he is searching for words to express his feelings that insults are not the place to find them. Work out a signal or phrase or word that calls a time-out during an argument. Spend the agreed upon allotted time in a separate room to calm down.
09/04/2011
FaerieLove FaerieLove
If he mans up and apologizes and realizes that what he said was cruel and hurt your feelings than I think it should be easily swept under the rug. Sometimes we say things we don't mean, it doesn't mean at all that we believe them to be true.
09/04/2011
Sunshineamine Sunshineamine
He just said it because he was angry and he doesn't feel that way and I know it. He said it because he knew it would make me angry but after my ex-husband there is very little bullshit that I will tolerate and I made that very clear. I made sure to tell him that there was NEVER a circumstance that makes it ok to call me that. If I'm being a bitch, fine then tell me I'm being a bitch but being derogatory to hurt someone's feelings is wrong. Then I told him to leave because I did not want to look at him or have him near me.
09/04/2011
Illusional Illusional
Well, then he was being immature. You take a few days to steam off and think of you. Let him sulk and be wherever and wonder.
09/04/2011
Sunshineamine Sunshineamine
He's home. I'm just ignoring. He keeps trying to be polite and say things nicely to me but I still haven't heard the " I am a huge jerk and I am very sorry .... more ass kissing ..." that I am waiting for. So I have nothing to say yet. Immature is right. That is not his typical behavior either though. I'm going to continue with the cold shoulder until he apologizes and really means it.
09/04/2011
indiglo indiglo
I don't want to be the wet blanket here, but giving your partner the cold shoulder isn't any more mature than him calling you a name to make you mad. It's all game playing. If it were me, I'd sit down and have a serious heart to heart. Make sure he knows why it hurt you so much, your previous issues with that kind of name calling, etc. Communicating is MUCH more effective and healthy than the cold shoulder treatment.
09/04/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I don't want to be the wet blanket here, but giving your partner the cold shoulder isn't any more mature than him calling you a name to make you mad. It's all game playing. If it were me, I'd sit down and have a serious heart to ... More
Took the words right out of my fingers!
09/04/2011
sktb0007 sktb0007
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I don't want to be the wet blanket here, but giving your partner the cold shoulder isn't any more mature than him calling you a name to make you mad. It's all game playing. If it were me, I'd sit down and have a serious heart to ... More
I was thinking the same thing... Perhaps telling him that what he said had truly hurt you, and discussing the issue rather than dancing around it... you'd resolve the problem and he would apologize.
09/04/2011
indiglo indiglo
Right, that's the thing with talking about it. You can actually resolve the issue so it doesn't happen again. He would apologize, everyone would learn what not to do next time, and you can move on.

PS - Not to say that he should be calling you a whore - he should NOT be doing that.
09/04/2011
SiNn SiNn
Quote:
Originally posted by Sunshineamine
Here's the story. My boyfriend and I were best friends for about five years before we got together and have been in a relationship for two years. We rarely fight but lately he's been edgy and moody and in a tiff he called me a whore. I ... More
personally for me its just a word inf act he calls me thata lot and even if he was meana nd said it its just that a word should talk to him tell him how you really feel and work trhew it maken him suffer only mkes u suffer in the long run
09/04/2011
Sunshineamine Sunshineamine
Good point. Very true. I guess I could speak first and tell him that it really hurt my feelings. He knows that but it wouldn't hurt to remind him in an adult manner that it was hurtful and wrong. I guess I am just super hurt. Bitch, stupid and some of that I can handle and get over. That whore word really stung. Apology is definitely required.
09/04/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Sunshineamine
Good point. Very true. I guess I could speak first and tell him that it really hurt my feelings. He knows that but it wouldn't hurt to remind him in an adult manner that it was hurtful and wrong. I guess I am just super hurt. Bitch, stupid ... More
I think before you sit down and talk with him that you should really dig deep and find out why you're so indignant with the word "whore" but other insults are perfectly acceptable to you. That's just my thought on the matter. If my husband called me stupid, he'd find his shit on the front steps so fast his balls would spin. If we're arguing and he calls me a bitch, slut, cunt, or whore for any reason we're having a go at it and he would be apologizing in a quick minute. Same if I called him a dick, bastard or asshole.
09/04/2011
indiglo indiglo
I agree with Stormy. It sounded like some of it had to do with some issues of yours from the past. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to explore that aspect of it, and a supportive partner can help you do that. You have to try to figure out why it bothered you, so then you can tell him and he can help you deal with it, give a real apology after understanding why it bothered you, and can avoid similar situations in the future. Maybe it would help to make some ground rules when it comes to disagreements, or creating a "safe word" if one of you is getting so angry you're about to say something you'll regret later. Of course you are super hurt, I would be too. Maybe also if he has a chance to explain how his brain was working in the moment when he said that, it will help you understand him better too. Just remember, you two are on the SAME team, and I'm sure you both want to make this better and avoid future conflicts as much as possible.
09/04/2011
Sunshineamine Sunshineamine
Explanation, if he thinks a comment or something I say in an argument is a little stupid he'll tell me and the same goes for me, I'll tell him. He doesn't typically call me names or he would not be in my life. Or if I'm being bitchy he will let me know. My ex husband was VERY verbally abusive and abusive in other ways and to hear direct derogatory remarks towards me makes me just cringe and want to cry. For example if my man called me a "fucking bitch" or told me I was actually stupid I would be very pissed and hurt. But a whore is something I am not and I took it very offensively. He has since apologized and does understand why that was hurtful. I just told him that I don't deserve to be called names and that he doesn't either and it is hurtful and something that should not be a part of a disagreement. He agreed, said he was wrong and apologized. I forgive him. I knew I would because I do love him and he is a very good man.
09/04/2011
Kkay Kkay
I think that an apology is necessary for any kind of healing to take place when a partner deliberately strikes to wound.
09/05/2011
Elnoa Elnoa
I am pretty sure my husband would never call me this, but I have dated people that would. I never put up with it before, and never will.
09/05/2011
RonLee RonLee
I agree with what several here have written. Why he said that is a big question, was he just pushing your buttons completely out of the blue or was it in retaliation in the heat of an argument. If that statement came out of nowhere simply to provoke you, why??? IF you cannot come to an agreement to forgive each other AND this is something that will forever be a thorn in your side to bring up to punish him, you really should seriously consider break up. Communication is key.
You are not yet married, you don't have children together, twenty five is still young, even in WI you can find someone else. Good Luck
09/05/2011
guard083 guard083
I would talk it out with him. It had to be hurtful and I understand that but I would explain to him and talk to him about it. If it was a playful tone I wouldn't be really upset but if he meant it I would be quite upset.
09/05/2011
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
If you're waiting for an apology, tell him. The cold shoulder will not accomplish anything. He's either ready to apologize and doesn't know how to go about it, or he doesn't realize he needs to apologize. Either way — and I speak from experience when I say this — giving him the silent treatment while waiting for him to figure out what to do will only aggravate you further. Tell him you want an apology, and inform him it's overdue.

ETA: Whoops, didn't get through all the posts first. I'm very glad to hear he apologized and that you had a mature discussion together. That's the way to do it.
09/05/2011
married with children married with children
sorry he talked to you like that. It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a talk about the situation, and how to make sure it does not happen again.
09/06/2011
Princess-Kayla ♥ Princess-Kayla ♥
I'm sorry he said that.
I think that if you can tell he's really sorry then you should talk to him first, and tell him you'd like an apology. Sometimes guys are dense, and they just don't get stuff like that. Or maybe like you said, he's afraid you'll get mad again.
09/07/2011
LilLostLenore LilLostLenore
wait till he says sorry. but 1.2.3. strikes your out so if he does it again kick his ass to the curb.
01/04/2012
Zombirella Zombirella
Quote:
Originally posted by Sunshineamine
Here's the story. My boyfriend and I were best friends for about five years before we got together and have been in a relationship for two years. We rarely fight but lately he's been edgy and moody and in a tiff he called me a whore. I ... More
If this is something that happens often then it shouldn't be forgiven because believe it or not, that is a form of abuse. I was once in an abusive relationship in high school that started out with name calling and controlling and it just escalated from there. My fiance would NEVER seriously call me that.
01/04/2012
Shellz31 Shellz31
A lot of things get said in the heat of the moment cause we are angry and just want to hurt the other. Like they say, we hurt the ones we love most.
Even so, I would struggle with it and would probably take me a couple of days of fuming. After that though, I'd expect him to want to sit down with me and discuss it. He would have to be prepared to work on bringing me back close to him again - I'd want to feel he was sincerely sorry, not just saying it cause he doesn't like the atmosphere or discomfort he is feeling.
01/04/2012
Megan Jean Megan Jean
I don't take things said in fits of anger to heart. However, I'd be a bit pissed until he said sorry, and meant it.
01/04/2012
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