How to get my husband to SLOW DOWN?

bayosgirl bayosgirl
Ok, so this has been an ongoing problem in our relationship. During the process of intimacy, I feel like my husband rushes things along. It becomes a big turn-off to have to say, often more than once, "slow down!" I have tried expressing my feelings about this when we're not having sex and he keeps saying "I'm not in a rush." It's sooo frustrating when I'm trying to communicate openly and he is in such denial. I literally feel sometimes like he doesn't care about my pleasure and is just trying to "get it over with." It's sad, because the few instances that he's taken his time, it's been wonderful. I don't know how else to tell him that this is important to me. He may be caring and supportive in everyday life, but if our sex life is suffering that's going to affect our relationship in a big way. Oh, and another thing he does that I hate is sucking my nipples. They are super sensitive and I don't like any stimulation there, except maybe light licking. When I was pregnant, they hurt all the time and I had to literally SHOVE him away when he didn't listen to me after I said to leave them alone. I don't know if he had a girlfriend who liked it, so he assumes all women do, but I DON'T and I wish he'd listen to me.
05/28/2012
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Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
Maybe , possibley, IDK. But maybe if you tie his hands back and force him to slow down. Or maybe have him watch you masterbate and kind of give him instructions on how you like this and not that.

Good luck, I had the same problem, then we hit this mid life crissis and things are all new and totally amazing
05/28/2012
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
If he's doing something that you really do not enjoy, and he's not listening to direct verbal feedback, then you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Don't wait until you're in the middle of sex. Address it outside of the bedroom, and insist that there will not be any bedsport until you've talked.
05/28/2012
Ryuson Ryuson
You know what I think would help? Tell him that you don't want to be intimate with him until he listens to your requests. I bet that will get his attention.

You should NEVER have to put up with someone touching you in a way you don't want, be it in or out of the bedroom.
05/28/2012
Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
You know what I think would help? Tell him that you don't want to be intimate with him until he listens to your requests. I bet that will get his attention.

You should NEVER have to put up with someone touching you in a way you don't ... More
This right here! You need him to listen. And if he won't listen hold out until he will listen.
05/28/2012
Peggi Peggi
I agree with the above statements! As for the nipple issue, I have the same problem. Mine are also so sensitive that it really hurts when he touches them too roughly! He LOVES to suck them, because it's one of his kinks, and all of his ex's were fine with it. For me though, if we're having sex and he does it or grabs them too roughly the mood is ruined for me. Also, I've been known to actually yelp in pain from this! Though, with him, he doesn't realize he's doing it, it's mostly out of habit.

I hope you can get him to listen to you!
05/28/2012
indiglo indiglo
Saying "slow down" isn't always going to be a clear enough signal. "Slow down" is more like trying to give him a hint, because it doesn't fully describe what you want him to do. I would try being much more clear about what you want - as clear as you were in your OP. It's not that you want him to "slow down", it's that you want a certain amount of foreplay before penetration. (From what it sounds.)

He DOES listen when you're clear enough with him, because when you pushed his head away during pregnancy he left your nipples alone. So I don't think he's trying to be a jerk, he just is NOT getting the signals that you're sending him. You need to be much more obvious and direct about what you do and don't want. I don't think he understands yet.

I think you need to be more clear with him. Explain exactly what you want, how long you want it to take, and that you need all that to be able to be fulfilled in your sex life with him. Only after he knows exactly what you want will he be able to decide if he does or doesn't want to give it to you.

Best wishes!
05/28/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Thank you all for the advice. I will try talking with him again later. And stress that I don't want to get intimate until he finally listens to me. If I were doing something he didn't like, I bet he would want me to change in a hurry. I have followed his "lead" (being submissive, and being younger than he at that) since the beginning and have been unsatisfied a lot of the time. I think I deserve to be listened to for a change. Enough of just pressing up against me and expecting me to get wet instantaneously. Enough with the nipple crap. I don't know if this will make a difference since I HAVE told him directly that I "feel like he's rushing me" and I "need foreplay" and I have also told him my nipples are so sensitive that it hurts when he sucks on them, please don't. I got married largely because I wanted to enjoy sex freely and without guilt, and now I have to feel like sex is on a damn timer. "It's ok, we can do it again later." Um....did I mention when he cums he almost never can get an erection until the next day? Is that normal? I need a slow build-up, and even before I'm fully aroused he's finished. It's sad.
05/28/2012
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Thank you all for the advice. I will try talking with him again later. And stress that I don't want to get intimate until he finally listens to me. If I were doing something he didn't like, I bet he would want me to change in a hurry. I have ... More
If I may add a few more comments...

"Enough with the nipple crap."

If what he's doing is uncomfortable for you, then his technique must be addressed and he needs to work until he gets it right. However, I don't know of a single man, or woman for that matter, who would be ok with a partner declaring her breasts off-limits.

"I don't know if this will make a difference..."

The only way it won't make a difference is if you let him continue with behavior that upsets you. Put your foot down.

"Um....did I mention when he cums he almost never can get an erection until the next day? Is that normal?"

Actually, yes. Despite what romance and erotica would have us believe, the refractory period can last anywhere from minutes (think male puberty) to days. And it usually gets longer as men get older.

That doesn't mean that you should go unsatisfied though. Even if your husband orgasms before you, he still has hands, a mouth, etc. He can also use toys with you. It sounds to me like he needs to be taught that sex isn't "finished" until you're BOTH satisfied.
05/28/2012
indiglo indiglo
Well said Petite!!!

I have to agree. Be blunt, be obvious, and then lay out some serious ground rules between you for what will happen before sex if sex is going to happen.

I found some fantastic communication techniques at this website: leapinstitute.org It has a great communication model expressly for situations where you are at odds with someone over something serious, but don't want it to escalate into an argument... but instead you'd prefer to come to an equitable agreement. Maybe that would help you approach the subject and have a little more success?

Best wishes, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation!
05/28/2012
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Climb on top (cowgirl) - tell to stay still - then you stroke and grind to get close - then cut him loose. By controlling the depth and speed you can get maximum pleasure - then let him join in the fun.
05/29/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Petite Valentine
If I may add a few more comments...

"Enough with the nipple crap."

If what he's doing is uncomfortable for you, then his technique must be addressed and he needs to work until he gets it right. However, I don't know of ... More
I don't mean that my breasts are off limits. He can touch my breasts any time he likes. I even like them to be grabbed and slapped in a kinky manner. But my nipples themselves are very sensitive to the point of pain. I wish it felt good to have them sucked because then it would be great to have him suck them whenever. But it doesn't feel good. He can even go as far as licking my nipples, but to latch on and suck like a baby....no. I'm actually dreading breast-feeding when we have a baby, but I believe in its importance so I'll just have to grin and bear it. Or see if a pump is less uncomfortable.

So it's normal for men to be useless for penetration after orgasm...I'm sorry, I really didn't know. My first partner must have been an anomaly because he literally could go for an hour and then keep his erection afterwards. I think our record was 4 times in one session. Ok, little bit of reminiscing there.. I believe it's probably a skill they can learn, but I seriously doubt my husband would invest the time and effort to do so.

That's exactly what I told him--if he finishes before me he can use his fingers/tongue/toys... .LOTS of options. His response? Silence.
05/29/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
Climb on top (cowgirl) - tell to stay still - then you stroke and grind to get close - then cut him loose. By controlling the depth and speed you can get maximum pleasure - then let him join in the fun.
Yeah, I've done that a few times. Pretty much the only way to keep him from cumming way too fast is to stay completely still on top of him or just barely move and grind against the Mio (cock ring.) I think I will have to just accept that this is the only way I can be able to cum before him. After I cum, then we can switch to different positions and I can enjoy feeling submissive.
05/29/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
Well said Petite!!!

I have to agree. Be blunt, be obvious, and then lay out some serious ground rules between you for what will happen before sex if sex is going to happen.

I found some fantastic communication techniques at this ... More
Thanks, I'll check out his book
05/29/2012
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
I don't mean that my breasts are off limits. He can touch my breasts any time he likes. I even like them to be grabbed and slapped in a kinky manner. But my nipples themselves are very sensitive to the point of pain. I wish it felt good to have ... More
This is good news I think. Teaching him that sucking on your nipples is not an option but other forms of breast-play are, opens up possibilities. You just have to explore together to find what works best for both of you.

Silence is unacceptable. He may be uncomfortable discussing sex, but he will need to get over that and address the problem like a grown man. If he's old enough to engage in it, he's old enough to sit down and discuss it with his life partner.

"I think I will have to just accept that this is the only way I can be able to cum before him."

No, no you don't. If you are unhappy and unfulfilled you don't have to "just accept" anything. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away. Address it as a couple, and if that goes nowhere, consider seeking out the expertise of a therapist.
05/29/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
^^ We actually had a conversation tonight and I felt like he really listened for the first time about this. He told me that he doesn't mean to make me feel like he's rushing, but sometimes he "gets so excited." He said he will take his time now. He also said that it's best to have ME cum first because after he ejaculates he feels completely spent. Not that he's not interested in me sexually at that point, but he's too relaxed to do anything. I believe this is the truth since he usually falls asleep after sex-typical man I guess. He agreed to make an effort to help me cum with his fingers or tongue, and even said he would watch me masturbate so he could develop his technique! All in all, I felt like it was a very productive conversation. Not once did anyone get mad in the slightest. As for results, we shall see, but it's a good start.
05/30/2012
indiglo indiglo
That's great news!! I am so glad you were able to have a constructive heart to heart! I'm also really glad to see you say "it's a good start". Very rarely in relationships does 1 discussion "fix" an ongoing, long-term problem. But, the results of various good communication sessions are cumulative, and little by little you can hear each other more clearly.

Be proud of both of you! That's not necessarily an easy conversation to have, but it's such an important one. Kudos to you both!!
05/30/2012
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
Ditto what indiglo said!

I'm glad you're working together as a couple.
05/30/2012
Arch600 Arch600
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
^^ We actually had a conversation tonight and I felt like he really listened for the first time about this. He told me that he doesn't mean to make me feel like he's rushing, but sometimes he "gets so excited." He said he will take ... More
Sounds like you've made a very positive step. Good news!

I can vouch for being totally drained after orgasm. I feel like every ounce of energy has been sucked out of me. I'm convinced it's a hormonal thing with guys. Our solution was to focus on her satisfaction first, and that has worked well for us.

Just a thought, have you explained and perhaps shown him that women are wired differently from men? Not all guys understand this, even if they've heard the words, it may not register until they see for themselves. Having him watch you (watch only - no touch!) masturbate may be exactly the way to get him to understand.

Not to mention drive him completely crazy!

Actually, if he's willing, tie him to a chair so the only thing he can do is watch. He won't be able to get his hands on any, uh, distractions until he's seen everything you want him to see. By then he'll be ready to explode!!
05/31/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
I don't mean that my breasts are off limits. He can touch my breasts any time he likes. I even like them to be grabbed and slapped in a kinky manner. But my nipples themselves are very sensitive to the point of pain. I wish it felt good to have ... More
Hon, men are not "useless after orgasm." That just him being selfish. After orgasm, a man's hands, mouth and access to toys STILL work!

When My Man and I have sex, we usually make sure I come first (even if it takes an hour.) BUT, if I don't, he knows he needs step up after HE comes, start giving me head and using our toys so I can get where I'll be satisfied!

Sex isn't "over" because the man has an orgasm. He still has two good hands and his mouth, and he can help with toys. His saying he can't do anything because he can't have an erection again for 24 hours is silly, not to mention childish and immature. He CAN do a lot. Maybe not get an other erection (although some men can, my husband can sometimes get two erections in one session and he's in his 50s) but he CAN do other things so you will be satisfied.

If he's not willing to do that..... ?????

As for breastfeeding, it feels NOTHING like a horny man going to town on your nipples. When you have a child you KNOW it's for the best of the child to breastfeed directly from the breast (pumping alone rarely ever works, the breasts don't respond to 100% pumping, most women NEED the baby nursing to keep a milk supply.) Also, it feels TOTALLY different than a man's sexual behavior.

Don't give up on the best thing you can do for your baby in the early years because your husband is forcing you to endure a sexual attack you don't want. The two things have NOTHING in common. I guarantee it. I've worked with hundreds of women who don't like nipple stim during sex, who have perfectly workable breastfeeding situations.

There's a different between a man who wants something that you hate to do, and a baby who needs something that feels totally different. Don't compare the two.

But, you do need to talk to that husband of yours, less selfishness on his part is in order. He won't change on his own. Why should he? He needs to know you are serious about the FACT that YOUR sexual pleasure is just as important than his.

It saddens me that guilt puts women in situations like this. Sex is GOOD. A piece of paper and somebody saying words over you don't guarantee sex will be good, especially if you didn't "test the waters" first. You are right, a marriage with bad sex is not going to be satisfying. WHY put up with that because of what? I don't even know.

It's frustrating the hell out of me, Bgirl. (I refuse to call you by his name, sweetie, I want to talk to you, not him.) Because I KNOW you're a good person. Don't let guilt get the better of you. It doesn't matter who has sex with who or under what name. Guilt is just something some people use to try to control women's sexuality and it's used because those who enforce it are scared to death of the power of a sexually strong woman! So, they tell her bullshit, like it's "wrong" to make love to someone you love, then women get married quickly, thinking "at least the guilt will be gone" then they are beset with a who new set of WORSE problems. Right?

When someone loves you, they listen. Don't take your sex life only partly satisfying. If he choose to he could act better, WHY does he choose to be so uncaring of what you NEED? Why do you think he isn't listening? Does he think you don't have a choice? If he does, why does he think this way? Why is his choice to act as if only HIS sexuality matters? WHY does he think this way? (I can't answer that, but you may be able to.)

Honey, girl, you need to take some charge. You need to put your foot down, and unless you want to yearn and be unhappy the rest of your life you may need to do more than that.

I care about you, and I continue to be worried about you. PLEASE, do what you can to help the relationship, but YOU can only do so much. If he refuses to listen or simply doesn't care enough to listen to what you NEED in bed, why does he do this?
05/31/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
^^ We actually had a conversation tonight and I felt like he really listened for the first time about this. He told me that he doesn't mean to make me feel like he's rushing, but sometimes he "gets so excited." He said he will take ... More
I hope he stands behind his words. I'm still not buying the "I'm soooo tired after I come." thing. I've been with more than one guy, and I see that many men are willing to do what it takes to get his lover where they need to be, even if they have come already. And I "test drove" some men, the ones who didn't bother with what I needed got kicked to the curb before things could go much further. I put my ALL into making love to a man, I expect the same effort from him. I think that's healthy.

Jeez, sometimes I come in the first 15 minutes of our having sex, and we have sex for an other 2 hours! (My Man has done the same.) I'm freaking "relaxed" too. But, I'd not leave him in the lurch, unless he is having a day where he feels he won't be able to come (that IS a thing that happens to older men. It happens to me once in a while, too. If so, we just try the next morning or later the next evening.)

I do think it's probably better to try to get you to have your first orgasm first, rather than rushing. That works well for a LOT of couples, but if he happens to come first, he's still not off the hook!

Keep talking, but don't let him out of his responsibility as a husband and lover. I asked My Man the other night, after had had spent a long time helping me to orgasm, "Thank you. I know you were really tired, you could have quit." He said, "No, it's my husbandly duty. It's my job to make sure you get what you need." As long as we both feel this way about each others needs, I know we'll be OK. You man needs to learn that you two are in this together, and if he wants you two to stay together, he needs to try harder. I hope he realizes this.

Maybe your man will learn to be more giving. I hope and pray so.

At least you two talked without him blowing a gasket. It's a start.
05/31/2012
randallssexymama randallssexymama
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Thank you all for the advice. I will try talking with him again later. And stress that I don't want to get intimate until he finally listens to me. If I were doing something he didn't like, I bet he would want me to change in a hurry. I have ... More
I know how you feel. My man is always done before me and rushing right into it. I like foreplay
05/31/2012
Total posts: 22
Unique posters: 11