Am I being irrational when I say that I get insecure about my man watching porn so much?

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Am I being irrational when I say that I get insecure about my man watching porn so much?

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Contributor: kaykay0427 kaykay0427
When he watches porn and I know it, then the next time we have sex I think that he is visualizing and/or fantasizing about those sluts on the computer while we are being intimate... Is this irrational?

Also I've told him a few times that I don't like how much he watches porn and jacks it... I was checking his history for a while (being really obsessive) and when I couldn't find anything I just figured that he wasn't doing it as much because he knew i didn't like it. I gave up after a while thinking what am I doing? This is natural, I have to leave him alone so I did for about 2 months.... About 2 months later, I caught him doing it again on an Ipod touch that he had hidden from me for god knows how long. I confronted him and asked him why he is hiding this from me and where it is. but he wont tell me anything and it only starts a fight... he tells me don't worry about it and that he's going to keep it hidden even though I know about it... I wanted to buy him a Fleshlight, but I don't want him hiding that from me if he is going to own one. I don't think that there should be anything hidden in a relationship. Do you think that this situation is as fucked up as I do?
01/21/2013
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Contributor: Trysexual Trysexual
Quote:
Originally posted by kaykay0427
When he watches porn and I know it, then the next time we have sex I think that he is visualizing and/or fantasizing about those sluts on the computer while we are being intimate... Is this irrational?

Also I've told him a few times that I ... more
Why don't you watch it with him? Is he doing this in lieu of having sex with your or just in addition to?
01/21/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Sluts? That's a term of endearment around here at Eden, so I'd be careful about where you're slinging that word.

What's irrational is the thought that he isn't allowed to fantasize about anyone else with or without you. Just because he's masturbating to a scenario in his head doesn't mean he's going to leave you. It means he's a healthy male with a healthy sexual appetite. Monogamy is a choice, not a default state.

Honestly, if it were me and you were my girlfriend/wife, then I would definitely hide it if it was always going to start a fight. Your issues aren't with your man, your issues are with pornography. I think you need to address why you feel these women are "sluts" (most importantly why is being a slut a bad thing if you're being responsible about it?) and how it impacts your self-esteem.

These women are never going to meet your boyfriend. They're never going to be physically present in your relationship or your bedroom; they pose no threat. But the spying, the prying, and the arguing is most definitely a threat to the relationship.

Is this the only thing you fight about?
01/21/2013
Contributor: shorejen9 shorejen9
He's hiding it from you to avoid the fighting! Watching porn is harmless. He isn't out with other women. He's home relaxing and relieving stress. Try watching it with him. Find out what he likes about it. Maybe he needs variety in his playtime so he watches porn and fantasizes but is faithful to you in real life.
01/21/2013
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
In some ways, I have felt very similarly to what you're describing.

My husband watched porn all the time before we got together, but made the choice on his own that he didn't need to any longer. HE made that choice, I didn't ask him to, but I was glad that he did. I've always worried about was going on in the mind of my husband and I have to fight with myself to not get upset at the thought that he *might* be thinking about someone other than me.

We tried watching porn once together and it was okay at first, but then he said something that really hurt me which made the experience not so great. Had he not said what he did, it wouldn't have been a horrible experience. Is that something you could consider trying?

I'm not the most comfortable with pornography, but I also come from a home where everything was pretty messed up as far as anything sexual was concerned (long story there). Maybe if you try opening yourself up to the idea of it, you'll find you feel better about things.

I agree with Stormy, if I was your boyfriend and it was always causing a fight, I would probably try to hide it too. Not saying that's okay, but no one wants to fight all the time about the same thing. You two need to come to a compromise somehow. Ask him if you can just TALK with him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel in a CALM way....he might just be able to reassure you!! Not only that, but letting down the defense and really letting him know why it bothers you might open his eyes a little bit more to your feelings.

When you're in a relationship, the feelings of both people matter. Sometimes it's hard to find an appropriate balance, but it's hugely important that you do so. Maybe you could agree that you'll stop snooping as long as he stops hiding things? You don't need to torture yourself AND your boyfriend from feeling the need to snoop.

I still struggle a lot with my own insecurities surrounding sex and what goes on in the mind of my man, but it shouldn't matter! He's with you, sharing intimacy with YOU, not with anyone else. I have to remind myself of that often. He's in my bed, he kisses ME goodnight, WE curl up together; if he didn't want to be with ME......he would have left already!

I hope you find something that helps make you feel better! I can imagine this must be a real struggle for you! ()
01/21/2013
Contributor: vulvalicious vulvalicious
To echo what others have said, he could be hiding it to avoid a fight with you. However, that doesn't make it right for him to hide something from you when you are both in a committed to each other. Trust and open and honest communication are very important to any intimate relationship. Watching porn and masturbating can be healthy and normal practices for some and they can also become problematic to others who develop addictions to these things. This is something for a professional to determine.

If I were you I'd start by talking openly to your man about your concerns and how you feel when he watches porn and masturbates. Be honest with him even though this may make you feel vulnerable. Trusting each other to be honest and to listen what each other has to say is vital. Also be willing to believe what he has to say. If it's something he does to relax, take care of his sexual drive, which may be greater than your, etc. then let him do it. Encourage this healthy outlet so he doesn't feel like he has to hide it. As long as he is still being intimate with you and both of your needs are met sexually what he does with himself during his alone time is for him to decide.

While porn and masturbating are an issue for you, the root cause, from what you've explained, seems to be the lack of communication, trust and understanding between the two of you. Do you notice this in other areas of your relationship? Do you fight about other things? I hope you are both able to talk and connect in this way. Having this level of intimacy and sharing in a relationship contributes positively to all other aspects of the relationship, including the bedroom!

Best of luck to you.
01/21/2013
Contributor: BrittaniMaree BrittaniMaree
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
In some ways, I have felt very similarly to what you're describing.

My husband watched porn all the time before we got together, but made the choice on his own that he didn't need to any longer. HE made that choice, I didn't ask ... more
wow hun well said I am going through some of these things too so I read this as soon as I saw it and you gave me some good info and suggestions thanks hun
01/21/2013
Contributor: BrittaniMaree BrittaniMaree
I too am having some of these issues. I have been with my kids dad for 10 years now. we have 2 boys ages 8 and 4 years old. I met my husband at age 15 a couple months before I turned 16 and he was 23. I was homeless and sleeping in a station wagon in a family friends front yard he was really good friends with these people and that's how I met him. people tried so hard to keep us apart and of course didn't work we still saw one another. and couple months later he put a roof over my family and I. we been through a lot after 10 years. I am very insecure, been since gosh back when I was like 7 to 8 years old. so the porn watching issue is a huge thing for us to I try and I just can't get myself to not look at these girls and think god I am so nasty compared to her. it is a long hard road with this issue between us. I wish I can tell you all a great happy ending to this story but not yet I am trying but it is a hard daily thing in my life and I thought I was alone on this. I am trying but it is a slow ongoing thing I wish you luck hun and I feel your pain I too have snooped and stopped snooping for months then started again it is hard in a relationship for some and I look up to the ones that make it through hard times and hope we are able to one day.
01/21/2013
Contributor: kaykay0427 kaykay0427
Quote:
Originally posted by Trysexual
Why don't you watch it with him? Is he doing this in lieu of having sex with your or just in addition to?
he will blow me off to do this sometimes... or while im sleeping he will sneak into his man cave or when i go grocery shopping... i dont understand why he is being so sneaky about it...
01/22/2013
Contributor: kaykay0427 kaykay0427
Quote:
Originally posted by BrittaniMaree
I too am having some of these issues. I have been with my kids dad for 10 years now. we have 2 boys ages 8 and 4 years old. I met my husband at age 15 a couple months before I turned 16 and he was 23. I was homeless and sleeping in a station wagon in ... more
im just happy to hear im not the only one that is dealing with this issue... i am extremely insecure with myself right now because i gained 35 lbs after having my son... so when i see these chicks he is looking at i feel that im disgusting as well... i hope you have some luck with your situation too...
01/22/2013
Contributor: kaykay0427 kaykay0427
Quote:
Originally posted by shorejen9
He's hiding it from you to avoid the fighting! Watching porn is harmless. He isn't out with other women. He's home relaxing and relieving stress. Try watching it with him. Find out what he likes about it. Maybe he needs variety in his ... more
i completely understand that and im not saying that i dont watch porn myself...i dont do that nearly as much as he does... i've gotten over the fact that he watches it... its natural, i get it now... but when he would rather do that than me and keep the ipod hidden from me even when im staring him in the face saying why are you hiding it from me? and his response is its not hidden but he wont show it to me... it makes me think what else is he hiding from me.... we only spend about 2 hours a day together, the other hours of the day are spent in his man town or driving around aimlessly without me or our son... ... and he isn't working right now... i understand he needs his time to himself but when am i going to get time with him... as a mother i dont get any time to myself for 2 years now...
01/22/2013
Contributor: kaykay0427 kaykay0427
Quote:
Originally posted by vulvalicious
To echo what others have said, he could be hiding it to avoid a fight with you. However, that doesn't make it right for him to hide something from you when you are both in a committed to each other. Trust and open and honest communication are ... more
ive told him several times how i felt and i wasn't saying in a bitchy manner either.. i told him it makes me insecure when you watch other chicks fuck someone else because i feel like when we have sex that i am being judged or critiqued the whole time and he has slowed way down... but he still wont bring the ipod out of hiding... things have been getting a little better in the past few days but its a slow moving process
01/22/2013
Contributor: mjtheprincess mjtheprincess
Hahaha, oh I got a kick out of Stormy's comment..."Sluts" is a term of endearment. Agreed!

And sweetie, insecurities are normal. Like others have said, he needs to make the decision. And my suggestion for you? Work on you, and don't worry so much about him. I use to have quite a few insecurities. My solution a) embrace the fact that I too had the ability to be my man's "slut" and make sure I was the star of his fantasies, b) gain confidence in my body by hitting the gym and not worrying about being skinny, but focusing on being strong mentally and physically, and c) embrace the fact that my man appreciates other women, because I appreciate other people as well. Just take a deep breath, try to be realistic, and work on you and your self esteem to improve all your relationships, not just the one with your man =D
01/22/2013
Contributor: mjtheprincess mjtheprincess
My other note is men are notoriously bad communicators. Sounds like he is going through a lot. It is hard for men to not have work. My man got laid off for a few months this summer...and he was an entirely different person. Maybe try to spark his passion in something. Help him find purpose and motivation. His fantasies may be what is making him feel okay right now, so maybe find something else.
01/22/2013
Contributor: nova2014 nova2014
I think it's not the porn you should be worried about but the fact that he lied to you about it. Watching porn is natural for guys, it's just another source of stimulus in my opinion, fantasy, because he's with *you*
02/03/2013
Contributor: evie.amor evie.amor
Quote:
Originally posted by kaykay0427
he will blow me off to do this sometimes... or while im sleeping he will sneak into his man cave or when i go grocery shopping... i dont understand why he is being so sneaky about it...
I can relate to your situation. My SO and I have had intimacy issues in the past and I think it had a lot to do with his emotional and financial state. I've noticed that when men get stressed they shut down, and I know this isn't the case for all men or strictly men. But in my experience I've known quite a few men to do this. While our sex life has picked up again (and I am really happy in my life right now), I still have insecurities I deal with.
Fortunately, being insecure is very normal. Unfortunately, it isn't easy to deal with. What makes it especially hard is distinguishing the times that you are "just being insecure" with the times that you should actually speak up and try to explore the issue with your partner.

Watching porn is normal and masturbation is completely healthy, but if you feel that he is opting for "jacking off" over sex with you then I definitely think there is an underlying issue (especially if the relationship didn't start off this way). As I mentioned earlier, perhaps he's really stressed about something. Often people feel ashamed (even if they aren't completely aware of it) of what they do by themselves. Just try to really let him know that it's okay that he does that and he doesn't need to hide it. It's an uncomfortable feeling knowing that someone close to you is specifically trying to keep things from you.

On another note, sometimes guys develop porn addictions. It may sound crazy, but it's possible as I've known someone that had a serious problem with it despite having sex with their partner on a frequent basis.


Good luck! You're not alone.
02/03/2013
Contributor: epiphanyjayne epiphanyjayne
it's pretty normal for guys to do that. I think it's weird my guy doesn't do it more. The only way it bothers me is if I feel I should be getting the attention.
02/17/2013
Contributor: sillylilkitten sillylilkitten
If anything, he's fantasizing that the women in the porn are you, and not the other way around. My bf and I watch and share porn with each other all the time, and it doesn't bother me because I know that when he's watching those girls, he's picturing the two of us in that scenario and not dreaming about banging the porn girls. However, everyone likes a little variety, and it could just be that this is just his way of getting that variety while still staying faithful to you. If he REALLY wanted to be with other women, he'd just go be with other women, instead of just watching videos of women that he'll never even be in the same room with. I don't think he's trying to hurt you by hiding it from you, rather that he sees it as the best way to NOT hurt your feelings. It might not make complete sense, but in his mind, it's the best solution.
02/17/2013
Contributor: Noelle Noelle
Quote:
Originally posted by kaykay0427
When he watches porn and I know it, then the next time we have sex I think that he is visualizing and/or fantasizing about those sluts on the computer while we are being intimate... Is this irrational?

Also I've told him a few times that I ... more
yes it is fucked up and Im in the same boat. He REFUSES to watch it together and gets PISSED when I mention porn at all. We have almost NO sex life. Im getting real sick of this shit.
03/01/2013
Contributor: Munko Munko
We've had our issues. A lot do stem from my insecurities, but also it got to the point where I had to seriously wonder if porn was more important than me. If something bothered him as much as porn has me at points in our relationship...I'd hands down stop, even if I thought it was silly or not important. If something is that hurtful to my partner, it's not worth it to me. Apparently guys don't think that way.

Ours seems to ebb and flow...some times I don't care, some times it really bothers me. We've watched it together a few times, heck, I even watch it by myself...but it's the sneakiness and at times it's effect on our sex life that bothers me. I watch porn to supplement what I'm not getting because I have the higher sex drive. He watches porn at times instead of (when he's tired, doesn't want to wait for baby to go to bed, etc), and when I want sex more often than we have it, that bothers me. And also he seems to be a lot more into OUR sex when he's not been watching porn frequently...he seems to be much more into the fast, furious, quickie type sex when he's been watching porn a lot more...and I feel more like a receptacle than a person he truly wants to be having sex with.
03/02/2013
Contributor: bratcat bratcat
While you're feelings are valid, i would try and find the root cause on why you feel the way you do about him having sexual appetite and watching porn bothers you so much. I would be upset about him trying to hide this from you after you have verbalized your feelings on the matter, however i can see why he may feel he has to if it develops into a fight, though that doesn't excuse his actions. Finding soe sort of compromise may help, like you two could watch some of the porn he likes together and incorporate it into part of your sexual routine. I know for my partner and i, when he watches porn he is much more focused on the act rather than the person in the videos themselves, they help give him ideas of what we could later try out in the bedroom since he find them arousing on screen - and i can say the same for myself when i watch and masturbate to porn. We also discuss the types of porns we enjoy and have watched. I do understand your insecurity since i would be weary of my partner hiding something like that from me too.
Have you asked him why this is something he feels he needs to hide from you?
I may suggest seeing a professional about it, if it is a big enough issue to be affecting you relationship so much.
03/02/2013