Molding your man

Lickable Lollie Lickable Lollie
I have been struggling with this for the past few weeks. My guy is 26 years old and still acts like a child. It wouldn't bother me so much if he were just playful or something like that, but he goes out and buys action figures, and thinks nothing of it when there are other bills that need to be paid. I have started nagging a lot about it and he's getting better, but I wonder if you guys think it's possible to actually mold him into a responsible adult or if I should just learn to live with batman action figures all over the house, and not having a cell phone.
01/06/2013
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Lickable Lollie Lickable Lollie
Quote:
Originally posted by Lickable Lollie
I have been struggling with this for the past few weeks. My guy is 26 years old and still acts like a child. It wouldn't bother me so much if he were just playful or something like that, but he goes out and buys action figures, and thinks nothing ... More
?? anybody??
01/09/2013
justart justart
I'll offer my opinion as a guy. However, I should probably disclose that I've never owned an action figure in my life.

I felt my blood begin to boil a bit when I read the title of your post. I think you should be with people you want to be with. Not people who are almost there but just need some 'tweaking' to get them there. I suspect that if I were to ask a similar question about a woman ("how do I get her to take off 10lbs" or "how do I get her to buy fewer shoes") that most of the community here wouldn't appreciate it. Nagging is also not an effective tool, in my opinion. That's a good way to build up mutual resentment that lasts a long time.

All that said, batman figures in lieu of an active cellphone isn't cool at all. If he's really that good in bed or the good otherwise outweighs the bad, maybe you could completely separate your finances? He gets toys and you get a cell phone? But that's probably never really possible if you live together.

As a guy, I think the best communication tactic might be sitting him down (in a non-confrontational manner) and explaining exactly what you're looking for in a man. Let him know how he meets almost all of that but that paying the bills on time is important to you. Then make sure you reward him when he does. Honestly, 'molding' us is very similar to training a puppy. Just don't let anyone else start feeding him from the table. And don't be surprised if your guy isn't as lovable and fun anymore after he's been trained.

On another note, I've been trying to get my wife to wear a pair of thigh-highs for about 10 years now. Maybe I should ask for advice on that in another thread...
01/10/2013
Lickable Lollie Lickable Lollie
Quote:
Originally posted by justart
I'll offer my opinion as a guy. However, I should probably disclose that I've never owned an action figure in my life.

I felt my blood begin to boil a bit when I read the title of your post. I think you should be with people you want ... More
I very much appreciate your point of view. The way I worded the whole situation wasn't the best, but it sounds like you got the idea. I love him just the way he is, but I get frustrated by his lack of concern for finances. He has never had to deal with bills until I came around because his mom did it for him. He is bipolar and is on disability and his mother has control over his disability checks. He works a few hours, a few days a week and gets that money to spend on whatever. Well, I came along and his mother still has control of his money, which makes sense because he can't handle doing it himself and I certainly won't take that responsibility until we are married. But the arrangement was that I would clean his apartment and cook him dinner, and he would "pay me" to do so by paying my cell bill and putting gas in my car (which I use to drive him to work.)

I just moved in with him about a month ago, and it was a 2 hour move from where I was before, so I still haven't found a job around here, and that's tough for me too because I am also bipolar and have social phobia. Being around people is extremely difficult for me, unless it's an online setting like this. Then I have no problem speaking my mind Anyway, back to the point, I guess a better question would be, how do I get him to keep his end of the bargain. I've tried sitting him down and talking to him about it but he has a serious addiction to shopping. It's his way of coping with things. I've tried asking him what's on his mind to maybe ease his stress but he just won't open up completely. He says it's because he's afraid if he is honest with his feelings, that I'll leave.
01/10/2013
RonLee RonLee
He will never change, except for becoming more devious in hiding the evidence. Talk to his mother, if the two of you cannot come to an agreement, dump him.
01/10/2013
Lickable Lollie Lickable Lollie
Quote:
Originally posted by RonLee
He will never change, except for becoming more devious in hiding the evidence. Talk to his mother, if the two of you cannot come to an agreement, dump him.
wow....umm...no
01/10/2013
Hermosura21 Hermosura21
Quote:
Originally posted by Lickable Lollie
I very much appreciate your point of view. The way I worded the whole situation wasn't the best, but it sounds like you got the idea. I love him just the way he is, but I get frustrated by his lack of concern for finances. He has never had to ... More
Well.i hope.u work things.out.i know its tuff but he will come.through have hope
01/10/2013
RonLee RonLee
Quote:
Originally posted by Lickable Lollie
wow....umm...no
Suit yourself, you really don't want to be his surrogate mom, do you?

I watched my sister deal with that kind of man for twenty years. He just got worse until she just couldn't take it anymore and finally left him. The stories I could tell you would curl your hair.

But like everyone, me included, you've got to learn your own lessons.
In any case good luck to you.
01/10/2013
spiced spiced
Quote:
Originally posted by Lickable Lollie
I have been struggling with this for the past few weeks. My guy is 26 years old and still acts like a child. It wouldn't bother me so much if he were just playful or something like that, but he goes out and buys action figures, and thinks nothing ... More
Rather than demanding that he give up a hobby he enjoys, but that you find childish, have a discussion with him about finances and priorities.

Sit down together and examine your budget. I suggest simply telling him, "I need your help to make sure our budget's realistic" (or however you'd like to say it). Together, write out how much money you have coming in each month and how much money has to go out each month for bills. Work together to find expenses to cut or reduce, if possible. Remember to "pay yourselves" by budgeting for some savings each month. 10% is awesome and is usually doable if you're realistic and careful; it's probably best for each of you to have your own savings account, at least unless/until you're married. Once the bills are paid and you've contributed to your savings, each of you should have some "fun money" to spend however you want. That way it's not about whether anyone's hobbies are childish or not, but about a joint commitment to financial health.

Work together to negotiate agreements on how much of your income has to go for bills, how much will go into savings, and how much "fun money" each of you gets. Put it down on paper. Revisit your agreement every 3 months or so.

By doing this exercise together, as two people working together to solve a common problem, you'll not only put your finances in order and provide for your future, but you'll also strengthen your bond.
01/12/2013
Lickable Lollie Lickable Lollie
Quote:
Originally posted by spiced
Rather than demanding that he give up a hobby he enjoys, but that you find childish, have a discussion with him about finances and priorities.

Sit down together and examine your budget. I suggest simply telling him, "I need your help to ... More
I wish we could do this, but his mom has control over most of his money. The only money he has control over is about $80 per week that he gets from actually working. The only thing he has to pay for, and this is going to sound awful if you didn't read my previous post, is me. Like I said before, he pays me to clean his apartment because I am not working yet. He told me he would give me $40 a week to clean his apartment and so far that hasn't happened. This week, he bought a fisherman's hat, and a pin to decorate a beret that he already had. Also, we've been having troubles finding things we like to do together, so he bought a wii game for $15, which is kinda sweet because he wasn't just thinking of himself.
01/12/2013
spiced spiced
Quote:
Originally posted by Lickable Lollie
I wish we could do this, but his mom has control over most of his money. The only money he has control over is about $80 per week that he gets from actually working. The only thing he has to pay for, and this is going to sound awful if you didn't ... More
Yeah, that's a tough situation for you all the way around. Still, $80 a week is over $320 a month and even after he gives you $40 a week, he's still got $40 of "fun money" to indulge his "retail therapy". By the way, has he discussed any of this with his therapist, or you with yours? Have you considered doing therapy together?

The part about his being reluctant to be honest about his feelings with you is a serious concern. No one can help feeling the way they feel and he needs to know that you understand that, and that you accept whatever emotions he may have, as long as he's honest with you. You might also let him know that he doesn't HAVE to open up to you, but that you're willing to listen when he's ready to talk.

If you haven't already stopped cooking and cleaning, I'd suggest not cleaning or cooking for him again until he pays you. Tell him--nicely--that you like the deal the two of you made and you're willing to keep your end of the bargain if he keeps his--but only if he pays you as he said he would. That's the only real leverage you have. I'd also suggest, instead of having him pay your cellphone bill and buy the gas, getting the money from him and paying them yourself. I hope it works out for the two of you!
01/12/2013
Bleu Bleu
I am a figure buyer, but I'm very new to the hobby. I buy Japanese anime figures (some video game ones too) and have owned a little more than 50 of them, but recently I sold a lot of them and have two that linger around in their packages from me not wanting to cancel the order and risk the relationship I have with the website. So I can sort of see where you are coming from, but I'm not sure what kind of "figures" he buys since action figures usually conveys something that cost like $20 and you get it from Walmart...but my figures can cost $200 each (though I haven't spent that much).

Anyway, compulsion is a big thing with figure buying...or really ANY hobby. Actually, in shopping in general. So when I see a figure that is REALLY pretty or REALLY awesometastic-and-tota lly-expensive I do a few things.

I'll pass if:
1. Not from an anime/videogame/manga I have watched/played/read or have any other deeper interest in.
2. Own more than two of that character, has to be full scale figures..I don't count my smaller cutesy ones.
3. Price. I usually pass on things over $150 and if shipping is anymore than $30, it wont be part of my collection anytime soon. The overall value has to be worth how big it is/the quality of it.
4. I gave it the 24 hour rule.

I follow the 24 hour rule like clockwork. It applies to everything in my life and I have saved a lot of money/impulse buying on it. If I do it in the store, I give it the 15 minute rule. I think about it for 15 minutes and if I can't find it worth it then I pass on it and put it back.

Here are some questions to ask when considering something:
1. Do I need it?
2. Is it worth it?
3. Will I use it more than once?
4. Can I see my interest in it dying?
5. If I don't like it, can I re-sell it (applies to figures) for roughly the same price?
6. Is it in my budget? Do I have "free money" to spend on this? (consider bills, next time I get paid, if I'm ordering other figures that month, etc)

Those are just some questions, it really changes depending on what I'm buying and where. The 15 minute rule is more for outside-of-the-house shopping while the 24 hour rule is more of the online shopping (which I do a lot more).

Try to get him to think of things this way. With figures, their value basically decreases when you open the box/package but it kinda depends on what he is getting. I know that's true for japanese anime figures but for action figures the hit is a lot harder when you open the package so re-sell is almost impossible since anyone who wanted it the first time has it.

ANYWAY, sorry for the tangent. Yes, try to get him to do the 24 hour/15 minute rule and ask him to ask himself questions about his need/want for the item. Also, you might want to separate your bills from his if he is this irresponsible. I do enjoy buying figures but I do realize that I have a cell phone bill to pay and textbooks to buy.

You say he has a serious addiction to shopping, which I don't think is true. If he was addicted he wouldn't have much of anything and would most likely be still living with his mother because he can't afford to live on his own. I've seen addiction in progress, and having a relationship with one is hard. I'm not sure of his debt situation but my friend is over $50k in credit card debt because of her addiction. But if you think he has an addiction, there are support groups that can teach him better spending habit techniques.

Side note, I do think your title ran most of the readers away. "Molding" is an awful thing to try to do rather than make him more responsible. I do also think it's a bit wrong for him to promise to pay you to clean his apartment but he hasn't paid you. I'd stop cleaning if he wants to be that way...for any job, if you aren't getting paid then you don't work.

If he doesn't straighten up completely, I say you give him an ultimatum or let him know that if he can't become more responsible that you two can't be together. Maybe talk to his mom, too...if you guys aren't on bad terms.
01/12/2013
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 6