My wife doesn't want me - Need advice from the women

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My wife doesn't want me - Need advice from the women

Bill220 Bill220
Over the past year or so, my wife has lost interest in sex. In years past, she was always ready to go, we were very compatible sexually was open to try new and different things. We went from having sex 2-3 times per week or more to once or twice a month, which I find unacceptable. She will have sex more often if I keep asking but who wants to have sex with someone that's not into it? She'd rather sit and watch TV or read a book instead, which makes me feel like a piece of furniture.

I've tried to spice things up by suggesting that we try some toys, maybe a little role play, light BDSM, but she refuses to try anything new. She owns a Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket and will use that every time we have sex but that's it. Anal is off the menu, won't do it. Strapon? Forget it. She likes it if I rim her but will not reciprocate. She does give great oral, though.

This was a woman, who when I met her would pretty much be up for anything I could think of but no more and I can't figure out what the hell happened. She claims that it's because she gained a lot of weight over the past few years and doesn't feel comfortable in front of me when she's naked. I'm her husband for gods sake! And no, the weight doesn't bother me. I even tried gaining some extra weight (I'm in very good shape) to see if that would help but it didn't.

This shouldn't be happening. I'm 50 years old, with a decent libido and she's only 35. What the hell went wrong? I have a few theories.

A. She really is that self-conscious about her weight – If that's the case, then food has won out over her sexual desire for me. That's a real kick in the stomach.

B. She's bored with me and/or has no sexual interest in me any longer - Then what?

C. She's having an affair - Divorce time

I'd like some opinions and advice from the women as to what you think the issue is and how to fix it.

Thanks!
Bill
11/12/2012
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Lady of the Lab Lady of the Lab
Quote:
Originally posted by Bill220
Over the past year or so, my wife has lost interest in sex. In years past, she was always ready to go, we were very compatible sexually was open to try new and different things. We went from having sex 2-3 times per week or more to once or twice a ...
I think your "A option" is a bit harsh. Having gained weight before and experienced a decrease in sex drive, I would say she is feeling insecure and might lack the confidence to try new things sexually. I wouldn't say that "food has won out"...

The "B option" might very well be true. I have previous sexual partners who I now have no sexual interest in. This happens, although I wouldn't leap to the assumption that this means she is bored with you.

And the "C option"? Unless you have a reason to believe this might be true, I am going to say I doubt that is what is going on.

Have you communicated to her that you would like to have sex more often?
11/12/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by Lady of the Lab
I think your "A option" is a bit harsh. Having gained weight before and experienced a decrease in sex drive, I would say she is feeling insecure and might lack the confidence to try new things sexually. I wouldn't say that "food ...
Thanks so much for the reply.

As for A, I was thinking that if I had an issue with how my body looked and it made me insecure, I'd do something about it. But maybe she's not ready to do that.

As for B, I don't know if that's the case, was just a guess.

As for C, I doubt she is, either. I don't know how how she'd find the time for it.

I have communicated it to her but it makes no difference. And lately, she's taken to ridiculing me for how much I masturbate and the fact that I enjoy anal toys, which she previously had no issue with.
11/12/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Bill220
Thanks so much for the reply.

As for A, I was thinking that if I had an issue with how my body looked and it made me insecure, I'd do something about it. But maybe she's not ready to do that.

As for B, I don't know if ...
Believe me, ample opportunity arises to have an affair when someone chooses to go that route but it doesn't mean it should be your first conclusion.

I think you need to talk to your wife and create safe spaces. There may be more going on and she just doesn't know how to express it completely or fears that the conversation will turn into an unproductive argument.
11/12/2012
Taylor Taylor
Maybe you should try talking to a couple's counselor about it. having a neutral person there might make it easier to talk through whatever issue is going on.

I also think that people's sex drives can change throughout people's lives. It's not neccesarily something is "wrong" with the relationship, but it is something that will need to be worked through
11/12/2012
tami tami
Quote:
Originally posted by Bill220
Over the past year or so, my wife has lost interest in sex. In years past, she was always ready to go, we were very compatible sexually was open to try new and different things. We went from having sex 2-3 times per week or more to once or twice a ...
I am going to go for A...because I am in the same situation,,,after gaining a horrible amount of weight...It is very depressing and a huge turn off to be over weight... She might want to talk to her doctor and start an anti depressant...This could be my hubby writing this...Once I finally started to lose some weight (I have a lot more to go) it did help...She might even want to talk to a shrink...She is starting menopause ( I did at 30) There are tests doctors can do that will help her regain some of her sexual prowless. Hang in there odds are that she is not having an affair...I am betting that you hav already talked to her and she already knows you are frustrated...I would suggest a talk with her doctor if she wont tell doctor then go with her and let the doctor know what is going on...Second make an appoint with a counselor or a shrink...menopause is hard on a female ( and her partner) hang in there an try to be patient...however if she will not cooperate with this then it is time for you to think long an hard about the whole situation... My hubby went to the doctor with me and told her what was going on and after some tests and a few appointments with a shrink we got back on track...good luck to you both, hope it all works out.
11/12/2012
Supervixen Supervixen
Hmmm...well, it could be a lot of things. It really could be the weight and body image issues. Even though you are her husband, a woman wants to feel sexy and desirable. If she doesn't feel that way even if you try to convince her otherwise, it can be hard to just let go and enjoy sex.

It could be a hormonal shift which happens throughout a person's life. It could be stress. What's her life like? Busy job? Are there kids to take care of? A stressful situation that she's going through? Does she do most of the cleaning, cooking, errand running? How is your relationship otherwise? This could all play a factor in sex drive.

Maybe she's depressed. Is she on any medication? Lots of different kinds of meds can screw with your sex drive.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about an affair, but I would open up the doors of communication as much as possible. Without being accusatory or making her feel like she's being attacked, tell her how you feel about this. Tell her that you desire her, that you miss your sex life and intimacy with her, and you miss her sense of sexual adventurousness. Tell her that when she'd rather read a book or watch TV than be intimate with her husband, that it doesn't make you feel very good. Tell her that you are her husband, and you want her more than once in a while. It's an issue, and if you have an issue about an aspect of your marriage, it's her issue as well; that's how marriage works. She needs to address it with you. A marriage counselor could be a really good idea, because the longer this goes on, they more resentment you'll build up over it, and the more you'll start to imagine what is wrong. If it really is as simple as her weight, well...she needs to do something about that. Not just because she feels undesirable for you, but because she clearly feels bad about herself. It makes no sense to say, "well, my weight and my perceptions of how I see myself because of my weight are affecting my marriage...that's all it is, honey." Okay...if that is the case, then something needs to be done to remedy it...you gaining weight so she'll feel better is not the answer (and trust me, it won't help anyway).


In any case...good luck. You guys are not old and winding down in your sex lives because of age. You need to have a serious conversation with her, and tell her how you feel. Sometimes a person doesn't realize how bad a situation is until they are told in plain language.
11/12/2012
SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
It is very possible that she's just not feeling attractive. It happens. If that's the issue, then there are a hundred ways you can remind her of her sexiness. Sometimes, when I'm feeling unsexy, I really just need my husband to pay attention to me or lend a sympathetic ear to my hectic day.

As far as her sex drive not matching yours right now, have you had a frank (and compassionate) talk with her about this? It might be time for that. If you go this route, at all costs avoid phrases like "I always" and "you never." Keep it kind and compassionate or she will feel defensive and shut down.

Of course, the issue may be deeper and it may be time to seek a marriage counselor.
11/12/2012
woodsdragon woodsdragon
Talk to her! My husband and I experienced that recently and it ultimately came down to I started a new job (finally was able to get back to full time) and it completely wore me out. It drained me physically and emotionally. I didn't even realize how it was affecting me or my husband until he pointed it out and I am glad he did because I felt awful. While we are still working it out we are getting back into the swing of things.

A counselor might not be a bad idea either
11/13/2012
Sunny Meadows Sunny Meadows
You got to start talking to each other. What she is doing is not fair to you. It very well could be A. I have alot of issues from my past and it can affect my relationship. I have learned to open up to my husband. He has learned to help me through it. Communcation is key though. It could be hormones as well. Seeing a docotor can help. But if it is a weight thing working out together is something that can bring you together. as for C. Unless you have proof don't go there. It can damage a relatioship more thinking that. Good luck
11/13/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Thank you everyone for such thoughtful responses. After reading all of them, I gave everyone's input some thought and I think I found some possible reasons for her disinterest.

1. I lost my job last November and found another one in June but the money I make now is much, much less than what I was making, which results in stress for both of us.

2. My wife loves her job but the work is stressful and she puts in a lot of hours. A lot more than she was used to working.

3. My wife and her friend are looking to buy a business in the field that they work in. It's been a series of ups and downs, hasn't worked out like they expected and they are both very frustrated and stressed about it.

4. The weight thing. I'm not sure if this is a guy thing or not but if a woman told me that she loved me for who I was, not how much I weighed and that she found me extremely attractive and sexy despite my weight, I'd be totally fine with that but it appears that women look at it a different way. She's tried and tried to exercise but hates it. I've been weight training for 32 years, know a lot about nutrition and have put together various programs for her (at her request) but she gives up quickly and I don't push her because you have to want to do it.

5. It's depression. We both have issues with that. I'm on medication for it, she is not.

6. It might be early menopause. I have no knowledge in this area but will check it out.

Now I've got to find a way to run all of this past her and hope that she doesn't take offense, get upset and shut down on me.

Funny thing too is that after I posted this last night, she came home from work and said that she'd love to have sex but was just too exhausted to do it.
11/13/2012
no longer here no longer here
Keep at it. Remember say the truth in love. I don't know, you didn't say, who does the work around the house? If it isn't a joint effort make it one to help her be less tired. "Honey, I'll make dinner and clean up...you go take a nice warm bath and relax so we can play tonight" can go a long way. Mr Scotch will do that and I'm at home and he works. But with 4 kiddos at home that I run around all day and clean up after...he has to pitch in or I'm just too tired to tango. And trust me, it isn't a lack of want, it's a lack of can.

Best to both of you!
11/13/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by no longer here
Keep at it. Remember say the truth in love. I don't know, you didn't say, who does the work around the house? If it isn't a joint effort make it one to help her be less tired. "Honey, I'll make dinner and clean up...you go take a ...
Oops, forgot about that. I'm the one that does pretty much everything. One, because I enjoy it and I work from home, and two, my wife works a lot. We don't have any kids together. I have two from a previous marriage but they live with their mom.
11/13/2012
mjtheprincess mjtheprincess
Don't under estimate the difference weight can make for a woman, especially sexy.

Maybe work out with her (increased libido with increased self esteem, plus it's fun to do together) and do more fun active things together. Help her feel better about her with actions, not words.

And of course, always talk about it. Always ask about it. In the most kind, undefensive kind of way.

best of luck!
11/13/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by mjtheprincess
Don't under estimate the difference weight can make for a woman, especially sexy.

Maybe work out with her (increased libido with increased self esteem, plus it's fun to do together) and do more fun active things together. Help her feel ...
We have started doing more things together lately, hopefully that will help. The exercise thing ain't happening. I love it, she loathes it. We've tried walking and hitting the weights together but it's just not for her. I wanted to get bikes and go bike riding. We have lots of trails where we live but she didn't want to do that, either.

She's going to go the Dr. on Friday to discuss trying some antidepressants.
11/14/2012
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Bill220
Over the past year or so, my wife has lost interest in sex. In years past, she was always ready to go, we were very compatible sexually was open to try new and different things. We went from having sex 2-3 times per week or more to once or twice a ...
Umm... it sounds like maybe she's truly just down in the dumps about her body! It does happen. You said you even tried gaining weight to help her feel better. What? That will not make her feel better. Have you tried expressing to her that she's beautiful and attractive to you? Assuming you do find her beautiful, as I'm sure you must.

I'd bet that's all she ever needed is to really truly feel attractive to you. I know a little bit about being self conscious.

However, that's not to say there aren't tons of other things that could be going on to slow her down like this, but did you ever try considering that what she told you was wrong was really true? I wouldn't jump to the conclusion of an affair because it's likely that she's having trouble getting in the right mind set for sex, not that she's just found something new. Women don't usually just go find new sex. And it's not that likely that she's bored with your sex. I personally don't find sex boring and I've been with the same man for 6 years. I don't think we get bored with sex if we're always enjoying it, but if there's something preventing us from doing so, that has to be resolved and you'd be surprised at what a low-self esteem can do to a girl's libido! Maybe she says she feels unattractive & that's why she doesn't want sex because she's wanting an answer from you. When she says "I just feel large and unattractive." Do you say anything to convince her she's beautiful? Because if you don't, and then you guys have sex and she's not into it, it's because you didn't express that you feel differently than she does -- that she's not un-pretty. Probably anyways. Not 100% sure, but that sounds like the most likely scenario. I know if I feel unattractive and my partner gives me compliments, it always makes an impact. Not saying that a person should totally rely on their spouse to make them feel good, but sometimes you just need to know how they feel about you, and maybe once she heard just how attracted you are to her, she'd feel a lot more playful. Another thing that might surprise you: when a girl feels attractive, she turns into a brand new person.


My own theories:

1. Depression?
2. Medications? They absolutely can decrease sex drive.
3. Fatigue? Health issues?
4. Simply just needing to know you find her attractive?
11/23/2012
AishiteruYO AishiteruYO
Quote:
Originally posted by Bill220
Over the past year or so, my wife has lost interest in sex. In years past, she was always ready to go, we were very compatible sexually was open to try new and different things. We went from having sex 2-3 times per week or more to once or twice a ...
Go to the gym with her? =)
11/27/2012
Bill220 Bill220
Quote:
Originally posted by AishiteruYO
Go to the gym with her? =)
We have a full gym in our basement. She doesn't like exercise.

Things are looking up a bit. We had sex twice over the weekend and she initiated it both times.
11/27/2012
Sunny Meadows Sunny Meadows
Quote:
Originally posted by Bill220
We have a full gym in our basement. She doesn't like exercise.

Things are looking up a bit. We had sex twice over the weekend and she initiated it both times.
That is really good. Just remember small steps. The more she is up moving the better she will feel. The more you do together and talk and connect the better thing will be. It is good to try to excerise just remember that if she is depressed over weight a healthly diet is good. I have health issue that keeps me from being at a gym but I have lost 20 lbs just eating right. Calorie counter is a free site that she can count what goes in and try to calulate her excerise. That means just cleaning the house, folding laundry what ever she does counts. as long as her doing is more then her eating she is good. She will see results. There is recipes and everything that you can do if your cooking to help as well.
12/01/2012
edeneve edeneve
there are so many reasons why she's lost interest or it could be very simple. talk. talk with her w/o accusing or judging. after seeing her side of things, work for a compromise.
12/01/2012
Total posts: 20
Unique posters: 14