My wife wants to cheat

shepegs shepegs
My wife flat out told me she wants to have an affair. We've been married for a long time and have a great relationship. What do I do? At least she was honest with me, but I'm broken inside. Please help.
05/29/2012
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XYCopperheadSly XYCopperheadSly
I don't know you and your whole situation, so I don't know how much help I could be. All I can do is relate my own feelings and experiences.

I love my husband very, very, very, very much, but I wasn't satisfied with our sex life. It wasn't his fault or my fault. It was only a matter of drive. My sexual frustration would bring me to tears (I would cry when he wasn't around), but I was afraid of telling him for fear of crushing him. I knew I saw things differently from him, and I didn't think he would understand. Eventually, it got to where I couldn't hold back my tears, and he saw me crying often. He prodded me for answers, which I evaded. I told him it had nothing to do with him, that I was going through a phase. After several months, he sat me down and told me that I could tell him anything and that he just wanted me to be happy. I finally explained to him my quandary, that I loved him and I didn't want to hurt him, but I wasn't satisfied.

He surprised me by taking it very well, and giving me reign to explore sexual relationships with other people. We've had a sexually open relationship for a while now, and so far it's gone smoothly. I'm certainly not saying that will be the case for everyone, though.

At this point, it's my personal opinion that it's ridiculous to EXPECT one person to completely fulfill any aspect of someone's life. People usually have no qualms with their significant others having (non-sexual) friends, which help satisfy emotional needs...it's the view of so many people that it's fine for their loved ones to seek solace in the minds of others as long as they "own" their bodies. It seems strange what things people will take personally and what they won't.

All that aside, it may not be the healthiest of circumstances if she has a specific person in mind...though the fact that she told you is a very good sign.
05/29/2012
Ryuson Ryuson
I think that at this point it's most important to find out WHY she wants to have an affair with someone else. Does she feel sexually unsatisfied? Does she miss that excitement of just starting a new relationship? Is the current sex too boring/vanilla for her? Does she just not find you sexually appealing anymore? Does she actually want to try a polyamourous relationship, and she was just afraid to tell you earlier in your relationship? Once you get down to the core of the problem you can start brainstorming solutions.

Because she has told you, it's obvious that she has a great amount of respect for you and your relationship. If you two can't come up with a good solution on your own, I know that there are plenty of councilors who specialize in couples counseling.
05/29/2012
shepegs shepegs
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
I think that at this point it's most important to find out WHY she wants to have an affair with someone else. Does she feel sexually unsatisfied? Does she miss that excitement of just starting a new relationship? Is the current sex too ... More
Thank you...those are great questions and I believe after talking, it is more the excitement of something new and satisfying a one time urge only. She doesn't care for a whole new relationship.
05/29/2012
shepegs shepegs
Quote:
Originally posted by XYCopperheadSly
I don't know you and your whole situation, so I don't know how much help I could be. All I can do is relate my own feelings and experiences.

I love my husband very, very, very, very much, but I wasn't satisfied with our sex life. ... More
You almost made me cry. He sounds like a really great guy. Not sure I could go with her having other sexual partners, but can understand how a little flirting can make someone feel better and yet one be okay with the mate doing so.
05/29/2012
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I say try to stay in the loop - try to set a 3-some and see that works?
05/29/2012
shepegs shepegs
Follow up: She was having an emotional affair. We're working things out now. I was really hurt.
06/20/2012
XYCopperheadSly XYCopperheadSly
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegs
Follow up: She was having an emotional affair. We're working things out now. I was really hurt.
I'm sorry to hear that :/ Best wishes to you guys.
06/21/2012
shepegs shepegs
Follow up: Warning, when your spouse says she wants to have an affair she probably already is having one. I had to find out the hard way. I think the shock caused me to actually and stupidly consider an open marriage situation since I didn't want to loose her. Compromising everything that we are and stand for. So after being the perfect couple, we're more the precautionary tale.

After a year that has been painful and hard, we are trying to work things out. An "affair" is nothing but full blown adultery. It's not pretty, it's not nice, it's not a vacation.
06/12/2013
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegs
Follow up: Warning, when your spouse says she wants to have an affair she probably already is having one. I had to find out the hard way. I think the shock caused me to actually and stupidly consider an open marriage situation since I didn't ... More
It's okay to be angry. It's okay to demand she tell you where she's going and who she's talking to and it's okay for you to verify that she was there and was with that person and not someone else. She has to deal with these things because she broke your trust. Her admittance made her feel better but probably destroyed your perception of her, your life together, and your marriage. You have the right to be hurt, to be suspicious and to feel insecure.

You also have the right to heal. Both of you do.

It's a really long road because even ten years from now there will be a little reminder or memory clip that nudges you and says "hey remember this...?" The key is communicating and making it a safe place for her to share why she did what she did and for you to ask why it was never brought up as an issue before. There will be tears and raised voices but you can overcome an affair in a marriage. It's intense work but if you love each other and value what you have together then you'll figure out the best way to get through it.

Sometimes that even takes a physical separation for a few months. Find out if you miss each other more than you find yourselves thinking about the wrongs and the hurt and the pain.
06/12/2013
snowminx snowminx
Ouch when I read this was from 2012 I was hopping it just got brought up again by some random person. I'm sorry to see about your update and I know that must be hard for you. Even if it wasn't cheating the trust issues alone would still be there.
06/12/2013
Bubba29 Bubba29
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegs
My wife flat out told me she wants to have an affair. We've been married for a long time and have a great relationship. What do I do? At least she was honest with me, but I'm broken inside. Please help.
delete
06/12/2013
Bubba29 Bubba29
Quote:
Originally posted by XYCopperheadSly
I don't know you and your whole situation, so I don't know how much help I could be. All I can do is relate my own feelings and experiences.

I love my husband very, very, very, very much, but I wasn't satisfied with our sex life. ... More
although i have never gotten as emotional as you, i am always telling my wife i need more and more interesting sex. maybe someone else can do that for me. she is crazy jealous. she knows how i feel but is not into it. i've been honest with her and would never venture out without her permission.

i don't want affairs either, she fulfills so many things i need. but the sex part is not compatible.
06/12/2013
shepegs shepegs
Quote:
Originally posted by Bubba29
although i have never gotten as emotional as you, i am always telling my wife i need more and more interesting sex. maybe someone else can do that for me. she is crazy jealous. she knows how i feel but is not into it. i've been honest with ... More
I tell you now, it sounds like fun but I would NOT recommend it. The music, the movies, the TV shows and everything in society glamorizes it and it is NOT worth it. You'll wish you never had done it.
06/12/2013
shepegs shepegs
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
It's okay to be angry. It's okay to demand she tell you where she's going and who she's talking to and it's okay for you to verify that she was there and was with that person and not someone else. She has to deal with these things ... More
Thank you. Those are very kind and wise words. The last year has been exactly all of that and more.
06/12/2013
shepegs shepegs
Quote:
Originally posted by snowminx
Ouch when I read this was from 2012 I was hopping it just got brought up again by some random person. I'm sorry to see about your update and I know that must be hard for you. Even if it wasn't cheating the trust issues alone would still be there.
It was more than emotional. Yes, I was shocked when I found this thread. I do remember now being desperate for answers.
06/12/2013
Bubba29 Bubba29
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegs
I tell you now, it sounds like fun but I would NOT recommend it. The music, the movies, the TV shows and everything in society glamorizes it and it is NOT worth it. You'll wish you never had done it.
what specifically do you not recommend?
06/12/2013
Pandora'sBox Pandora'sBox
I recommend this site:

Chumplady.com

She is no-nonsense with cheaters. I warn you, she is not friendly with the idea of reconciliation because she tried that herself and it was a failure both times. Nearly all the members of the blog also tried reconciling and each and every one of them failed with that too.

Real, true reconciliation after an affair is extremely difficult and very rare. The distrust, the newly imposed rules for going places and who you can talk to, enforcing transparency that should have already been there in the first place. And what if it just turns out to be the silence in between discoveries of affairs? She expects you to trust her that she ended the affair, but how can you really?

The person that does not deserve any kind of sympathy here is HER. The person that had the affair. So she told you she wanted to have an affair....after she'd already started one. That's not considerate of your feelings. That's like your friend borrowing your car and not asking if she could use it until after she wrecked it. Or a little kid eating a cookie before dinner and then asking her mom if she can have one after too.
06/14/2013
Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
Affairs are a symptom of a greater problem.

It can be within the cheater. They feel undesirable so must get the attention of others. They want to sabotage the relationship. They are so self-absorbed that they do not care how their actions hurt others. They have expectations of a relationship that are not being met either because they are not communicating what they need or what they need is not attainable.

It can be within the relationship. One partner has a high sex drive while the other does not want sex. The non-cheating partner ignores or makes the other feel unwanted/unloved. They two partners fight all the time or just do not communicate at all.

You can stop someone from cheating but the problem is not solved, just buried. Just like someone can stop drinking but if they do not take care of the reason they drank, they will eventually relapse.

An affair is not necessarily the end of a relationship. However both partners must want to make it work and be willing to put their relationship above all other things and people.

I have personally seen affairs wreck marriages and affairs make a marriage stronger after the storm.
06/14/2013
Pandora'sBox Pandora'sBox
Quote:
Originally posted by Pete's Princess
Affairs are a symptom of a greater problem.

It can be within the cheater. They feel undesirable so must get the attention of others. They want to sabotage the relationship. They are so self-absorbed that they do not care how their actions ... More
"It can be within the relationship. One partner has a high sex drive while the other does not want sex. The non-cheating partner ignores or makes the other feel unwanted/unloved. "

This sounds like blaming the betrayed spouse. Even if it's the case, the more mature thing would be to leave instead of cheat.

Personally, I think there's only one reason anyone cheats, and that is because they think they will get away with it. Why would they go through with something they thought they'd get caught doing? Everything else is just excuses.

"I have personally seen affairs wreck marriages and affairs make a marriage stronger after the storm."

I can believe that they've wrecked marriages, but I don't believe that an affair ever makes a marriage stronger. Would it be stronger than if the affair had never actually happened? Why does an affair have to happen to make a couple start communicating and caring about each other like they should have in the first place?

I agree that they are a symptom of a greater problem, and sometimes that problem is just that the cheater is a selfish narcissist.
06/16/2013
shepegs shepegs
Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. There's lots involved and she's in major depression because of the guilt of it all. Reconciliation is NOT easy. I just wanted to follow up on this so maybe it can save other relationships?
06/19/2013
UrNaughtyaAngel UrNaughtyaAngel
Oh wow. At first I was going to reply try going to a club and let her flirt and dance with another guy to see if you could handle that. But after reading ..... wow I guess one is never prepare for the emotions one is going to feel. You both obviously love each other a lot since you both are choosing to stay and make it work.

I suggest you go to counseling to help you both cope with this better, put it behind you (if possible) and work on having a better relationship.

Post like this is what I about EF, being able to post with out fear and know that others will not judge you but give you their honest opinions.
06/19/2013
Pandora'sBox Pandora'sBox
Quote:
Originally posted by shepegs
Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. There's lots involved and she's in major depression because of the guilt of it all. Reconciliation is NOT easy. I just wanted to follow up on this so maybe it can save other relationships?
I recommend chumplady.com. She's no-nonsense on cheaters and is very big on leaving and creating a better life for yourself.

She doesn't believe in reconciliation. Just a heads up.
06/21/2013
shepegs shepegs
Follow up:
Still working on it. It's been devastating to our home and not to mention me. Nothing's back to 100% normal, but we're trying on improving.
07/03/2013
Pandora'sBox Pandora'sBox
It will never be back to 100%. Even if you stay together for another five years, you will never forget the infidelity. There will be the relationship before she cheated, and the relationship after. "Reconciliation" after the cheating often ends in a feeling of floating through purgatory at best and disaster at worst.

You've been working on this since last year and it's still been devastating to you. You shouldn't still be "trying on improving." She either wants to improve or she doesn't. She's shown you what she wants both by cheating and by still devastating you a year after. She's shown you who she is. Believe her.
07/04/2013
Pandora'sBox Pandora'sBox
For the record, I know I sound really, really harsh. But I'm not trying to be.

I've been there with cheating and "reconciliation" and I know the feeling of devastation and really wanting to save the relationship.

But speaking realistically, it's not going to get back to where you once were. It's better to cut your losses and find a relationship where you don't have to do the battle with infidelity and fight the pain after the fact.
07/04/2013
lana'sart lana'sart
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I say try to stay in the loop - try to set a 3-some and see that works?
I agree
07/04/2013
Tangerine Tangerine
Find out what made the think of this. Is it someone specific swaying her mind or just general unsatisfaction with something?
07/05/2013
Pandora'sBox Pandora'sBox
I think if you try to figure out why she did it, it will just be a waste of your energy and make you feel worse. It will also be an opportunity for her to blame you for her shitty choices and not take responsibility.
07/06/2013
Hummingbird Hummingbird
We're just going through this ourselves when I made the same confession to my SO and had to reinforce it by repeating it twice. The first time I simply said my eyes had been wandering to other men the second time I said flat out I was thinking of having an affair. While I never had I could not seem to find a way to get my SO to take me seriously whenever I attempted to communicate with him.

I had been feeling alone and isolated after many years of marriage, holding hands even never happened when walking outside in public and at home we're usually 2-3 rooms apart. I no longer felt wanted, needed or desired. Besides intimacy which is now becoming too infrequent, it was the only time we ever touched. Finally getting up the courage I expressed myself in clearer more descriptive terms.

We're more in contact with each other as a result but it is still a work in progress and sometimes a battle often tiring me wondering if it is truly worth it. Still after many years of trust I know he is a good and kind man, we just fell into a rut each doing our own thing, the responsibility of this happening on my shoulders as well allowing it to happen for so long.

You say initially you have a great relationship between the two of you, how great is it if she's thinking of having an affair? After confessing honestly to you, you say you feel broken and I can imagine my SO feeling the same way but if he doesn't express himself to me how am I to know? In my case, my needs weren't being met, as a touchy feely individual I just felt no connection or bond with my husband other than the piece of paper that says we're married for over a quarter of a century.

I'm sorry for the hurt you feel as I think my husband feels but unless he talks to me plainly about it how can I express my reasons why? By the way, I'm still waiting for more discussion but am not confident he will ever initiate it and believe instead he feels everything is just perfect now between us. Believe me its far from it.

Thanks for the follow-ups, it gives me hope that our home situation will improve as well.
07/12/2013
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