Help! I Need advice!!

Iggins09 Iggins09
Hi everyone! My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now (March 2013 will be two years). I can honestly say I'm not happy with our current situation. We have a 16 month old together. Here's the deal: I started working again after being a SAHM for my son's first 16 months. My husband was the one working full-time and I was collecting unemployment. Anyway, so I'm working first shift and my husband has gone to second shift. I told him how much I did not want him to go to second shift as I would never see him. I offered the idea of putting our son into daycare, but he vehemently refused. So because we're working opposite shifts, we never see each other let alone have sexual intercourse. Last night I was sleeping when he got home from work. He came home instead of going to his friend's house in which he's gone until 5 or 6 the next morning. He reasons with me that he goes Friday nights so we can have the weekend to spend time together. I don't mind that he spends time with his friends. However, since he's out that late, he comes home and sleeps until 1 in the afternoon.

If you're still reading, thank you. I don't know who else to ask and asking groups on Facebook just got me nasty answers. I'm all for constructive criticism but there's a line to cross. My next option would be paying someone to listen to me ramble. Anyway, he comes home last night and I wake up and he jokes with me that I'm f-ing grumpy. He lays down in bed and goes to kiss me and I don't know if everything was just building up or if I was just really tired, but when he kissed me, I absolutely did not want him to and I felt so much animosity towards him. I didn't say anything and just went to sleep but I don't understand the emotion. I remember my husband and I having a small tizzy a few weeks back and I woke up the next morning not wanting to put my wedding ring on. I did wear it anyway but it didn't feel like it belonged on my finger. So after that reaction of emotion last night when he kissed me (for quite a while I've not wanted to tell anyone I love them or kiss them, not just my husband. Only my son is immune to this) this morning he wakes up with the baby (who has been having the stomach flu for about 4 days now) and I wake up about an hour later and as soon as I get upstairs, he goes downstairs to play his XBOX. I ask him why he was going downstairs, he asks me why not? He was raised by his mother who parented her five children pretty much all by herself because her husband worked all the time and wasn't home and didn't ask them to do shit. She did everything herself and I can't help but feel that my husband is still stuck on that way of life. Him going downstairs when I just wake up, to me, feels like he's thinking, "Well the woman's up. It's her turn. I'm going to go do what I feel like doing for myself." The way he asked me why not about him going downstairs was kind of like he was asking me between the lines what's the big deal about me going down to play my game? Only that we don't see each other during the week but I guess he figures that because he watches the baby all week while I'm at work gives him the freedom to leave the baby with me so he can have his free time. It must be nice to have that kind of luxury.

We haven't had sex lately because we never see each other and I don't want to because lately it has been very dissatisfying. It feels good yeah, but not like it used to. I don't even have the drive to want to do anything. If I do, I masturbate and that's felt considerably better than having sex with my husband or having him perform oral on me. You know the saying the grass is greener on the other side? That's how I've been feeling lately. I would never cheat (could not live with the guilt) but other men have become attractive. I never used to look at other men.

If some of you are still with me, awesome and thank you. I apologize for writing so much but I don't know what else to do.

Guys and gals alike, I could use your advice. If you're parents and if you're not. Either way, please offer any help or advice .
01/05/2013
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PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
The low sex drive, the feeling bitterness toward him, the not wanting to put your ring on, the seeing other men attractive thing...NORMAL! Totally normal given the situation that you're in.

The reason behind these feelings, as strange as it may sound, is probably because you miss him. Miss what you used to share that you don't have any longer. When my husband isn't around as much sometimes I get like that too. When you start to grow apart, it leaves room for all kinds of negative feelings to form. The best thing you can do, is find some way to reconnect and express your feelings.

Sometimes when my husband works a lot, all he wants to do is come home, put his feet up, and watch TV. Now I'm a stay at home mom to three children. I don't have a babysitter, I don't get a break. It's hard sometimes because I NEED one. It sounds like your husband isn't thinking, "oh I'll go play my game 'cause I don't care about my wife" it seems like he's not realizing that it's hurting you/bothering you. There are lots of times that my husband and I have been upset with each other, but when we talked it out, he was just tired and wasn't thinking about anything else. Did it mean he outright didn't want to spend time with me, no. But he needed a break just as much as I needed some 'us' time.

Is there someone that can watch your child while you two go out on a date? If so, try to make it a regular thing. When you start to reconnect on a level of mutual respect and appreciation for each other, you'll find that you want to reconnect in a much more intimate way as well.

I just wanted for you to know that what you're feeling is normal and it isn't wrong, but allowing these feelings to fester inside of you without getting it worked out with your husband is going to be damaging for your relationship. Truly sit down and have a good heart to heart with him. He might not totally understand what you're feeling, but you also need to try to cut him some slack too. Could you play xbox with him? Could he help you dry the dishes while you wash? Doing fun things and getting things accomplished together is a great way to spend time while doing what needs to be done.

I know how hard it is to have time for 'us' when you have children, but you need to find some way to MAKE that time or things are only going to go downhill. It's not your child's fault if things aren't working between you and your husband (not that you think it is...I'm just saying) and they should never be an excuse to not be connected with your spouse. There's ALWAYS time for a sweet kiss, caring comment, little note, or other gesture of love to show that you still care about the person you're with, no matter how busy you both are!
01/05/2013
indiglo indiglo
I agree with Property of Potter. It sounds like the 2 of you need some serious YOU time. Time to reconnect, to communicate, to be together with no pressure, just the 2 of you.

You really need a chance to explain how you're feeling, and your husband deserves to know! If there is any way you can swing it, I think setting aside some time each week for the two of you to reconnect would be so helpful.

My man and I started planning a weekly date night quite some time ago, and it has been SUCH a good thing for us. We look forward to it all week, and it really becomes such a great way to reconnect with each other. It really is worth sacrificing some other things (like leaving dirty dishes in the sink, getting a little less sleep, finding a sitter for a few hours, etc.) to make your relationship with your husband stronger, healthier and more fulfilling.
01/05/2013
Total posts: 3
Unique posters: 3