Partner masturbates- I feel shut off.

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Partner masturbates- I feel shut off.

Polyserena Polyserena
My boyfriend is a bed humper. This has certain problems if say he gets horny at 4am...I wake up. Occasionally it can be a real pain especially if I am horny and have been trying to get sex because I'll only wake up when he's just about to finish, and he just wants it over with and I still need to warm up. Usually if we have sex at night and the morning he'll have trouble in the morning, so there's no chance of early morning sex. Sometimes it makes me feel jealous if Im not feeling particularly sexy. Hes also mentioned in passing he thinks its weird to masturbate about your girlfriend but I can't tell if he was joking. The main reason it upsets me is that he goes into his own little world and I'm not allowed in. If I talk I've apparently ruined it for him. To me that certainly means I'm not in whatever fantasy he conjures. So if I don;t want to piss him off or jump him immediately I have to remain tight lipped. This morning I felt really upset because he said he was horny and asked if I wanted sex. I said maybe then he said he needed it to be quick because he needed to work. I said OK because I started to feel more in the mood. I suggested maybe we should reset the alarm instead of it going off every little while, but he just wanted to ignore it. The next thing I know he was masturbating. I said with a reasonable amount of affection OK, I suppose you can do it yourself. He replied angrily, 'then why did you distract me then?' I said 'because maybe you did want to have sex with me', and then he was using the same tone to describe how he wanted to do it before the alarm came on again. I said 'How romantic',( I can't remember if I used an expletive here but its entirely possible). Then he got up and raged about how he was going to constantly horny all because of me, which I think was terribly unfair. Granted he'd had a bad night sleep but his extreme reaction made me feel even worse about his masturbation.

Apart from all of this I think its fair to say that our sex life has hit a real rut and I don't know what to do about it. We're not terribly compatible in the bedroom.

Does anyone here have any simlar experiences. Do you share masturbation with your partner or do you find it uncomfortable? Can anyone give any perspective at all? Better still solutions? With my last boyfriend masturbation was a part of sex. It feels weird for me to be upset about masturbation.
07/06/2012
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Mwar Mwar
There's a lot going on here.

Generally, I think it's okay if both partners masturbate at their whims. So long as it doesn't negatively impact the relationship, I'd say it's fine. Example: my guy tends to masturbate in the morning during his shower because he knows I'll most likely reject him when I'm half asleep. I'm fine with him doing it, because, hey, I'm not in the mood, and he feels better afterwards.

Also, as my partner (and other male friends) have told me: guys don't masturbate to their girlfriends. They might, but that's not usually it. They have fantasies, and they can think about whatever when they do. It's safe in their mind. So long as they don't actually bang the person in real life, it's all good. It's normal for males to do this, even ladies do. It's like looking at porn. It's okay, it's fantasy, so long as it doesn't become an obsession, it should be okay.

In your situation, it seems it's more how your guy is dealing with the issue instead of masturbation itself. There needs to be some compromise here. Do his early masturbatory actions always wake you up? If they do, that's not fair. Sure, he can jerk off, but you should be able to sleep to. Are there other times where you can have sex? Maybe that could be the time for sex.

Also, it seems that he has control, at least in the sex department of the relationship. Unless otherwise discussed, sex should not be held in a "my way or no way" manner.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you want to chat, you can always message me. Hugs!
07/06/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
I agree there is a LOT going on here. As for the masturbation; everybody does it. It's healthy if it doesn't interfere with the relationship. If he's ignoring your needs while masturbating, it could be a problem, if he doesn't want to discuss it.

As for the fantasy; forget about it. I rarely fantasize about my husband to completion. In the beginning, during the "romantic" phase of the fantasy, but when I get to the nasty part, it's just men and body parts and NO personalities at all. I assume that's the way men masturbate or fantasize.

However, I would never masturbate in order to tune him out. In fact, I ignore my urges so that I will be extra horny when he wants to. (My drive is a little stronger than his, so I'm horny more often. He's horny a LOT, but not as much as I am.)

You two have to communicate. DO NOT talk about it while he is masturbating or while you are having sex. Bring it up with "I" messages (not blame) like "Sometimes I feel left out when I'm horny and you get off without me. Is there something we can do so we both can get our needs satisfied?" Leave the suggestions in his court then.

Starting a sentence with "you" as in "You never pay attention to me! Asshole." is not going to open either one of you to communication. Talk when you are both calm, when there are NO family or friends around and when you have time. If he consistently refuses to talk, you have a problem. Professional help may be in order. If he won't go, go alone.

I have a few questions;
~How many times a week do the two of you have sex?
~How long does it usually last?
~Are you both satisfied with the sex? Do you have an orgasm or more than one?
~Does he work hard to make sure you have an orgasm? (Realizing that most women do NOT have orgasms during penis in vagina sex, men who are good at sex will offer oral sex, want to play with sex toys and do other things to make sure you are satisfied.)
~How many times a week does he masturbate when you are still in the mood?

I hope things get better. They won't without talking, though.

Good luck.
07/06/2012
unfulfilled unfulfilled
Good luck to you. I agree with what has been currently said. When I'm masturbating, my husband leaves me in my ambiance as he calls it. He knows if I get distracted then I have a harder time to complete the deed. I can't have anyone talking to me or I totally loose my focus.

Why did you say you are incompatible in the bedroom?
07/06/2012
digit88 digit88
Quote:
Originally posted by Polyserena
My boyfriend is a bed humper. This has certain problems if say he gets horny at 4am...I wake up. Occasionally it can be a real pain especially if I am horny and have been trying to get sex because I'll only wake up when he's just about to ...
I think it is alright for couples to masturbate, but when it goes to the extreme of affecting the relationship like it has to yours then there is a problem especially when it come to the waking up in the bed and the "my way or no way" it kinda looks like the relationship is on its way out. unless there is a way to correct the behavior that has been shown to you.
07/06/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by digit88
I think it is alright for couples to masturbate, but when it goes to the extreme of affecting the relationship like it has to yours then there is a problem especially when it come to the waking up in the bed and the "my way or no way" it ...
This is my thoughts exactly. When things start going this way, it's often a huge sign that something much deeper is brewing. Doubly-so if the person refuses to communicate on the issue.
07/06/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
When I first started reading this, I was going to say that 1) masturbation is normal, and you shouldn't feel neglected, and 2) that everyone has fantasies that don't include their SO...

THEN I finished reading your post and realized there's a whole world of issues going on here.

If/when you decide to communicate with him, make sure that you're using "I" statements and be sure that you're not condemning him for wanting to masturbate or that he fantasizes. The issue here is that he prefers masturbation to you, and that is not okay with you.
07/06/2012
Crimson Vixen Crimson Vixen
My fiancee and I masturbate for each other when we don't quite feel like sex, or when I have birth control issues and we can't have sex for fear of pregnancy.

But I agree with previous posters. There is something very wrong with this situation that needs to be addressed.
07/09/2012
Total posts: 8
Unique posters: 8