Really need help with Relationship!

  • Get FREE 5 Gifts with Orders $59+

Really need help with Relationship!

butterflygirlxo butterflygirlxo
So I've been with my guy off and on for 7 years. The longest we broken up for was a year. He left me for another girl. This was like 5 years ago. We have had a few moments where we both started talking to someone else but we always end up right back with each other. Well anyways I decided that I was done trying to be with other people because my boyfriend is who I really want to be with and spend the rest of my life with. Well things were okay for us then all of a sudden he starts tanning, working out, and going on a diet. Hes tall and skinny already!Hes buying protein shakes, working out like crazy buying his own exercise equipment and tanning almost everyday. I wanted to tan a long time ago and he told me I was doing it for someone else, which I wanted to do it because I know he likes me tan, but I like him no matter what and I know hes not doing it for me I ended up not tanning. Sometimes I would get my hair done and he would accuse me as well so I stopped getting it done...but anyways I've tried questioning him since Valentines day ( this is when it all started) what made him what this big change. He drank beer a lot, and drank a lot of pop and for 2 weeks now he hasn't drank either nothing but water! When I try asking him about the change he just gets mad. I've heard different excuses such as I'm getting old and want to be shape, it makes me have more energy, I'm going to stop smoking and when you stop smoking it makes you gain weight, and then he told me he wanted a six pack ab, and big arms.. I don't get it. I'm happy with how he looks! Hes starting to be cocky with me and rude, he doesn't compliment me. I had to give him a hand job a few days ago and he was staring at his dick the whole time and I got mad because he didn't look at me once! IS THAT NORMAL? I don't understand any of this...I don't want to be jealous but I'am because hes getting more attractive to other girls and having more girls yell at him when hes driving around town, at work, etc. I don't know what to do....
03/06/2012
  • Buy 3 Items for $70
  • Buy 3 Items for $50
  • Buy 3 Items for $30
  • Save 20% on Luxury Toys
  • Add Some Buzz To Your Favourite Toy & Save 60% On Kit
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
A couple things. How YOU feel about his looks has nothing to do with how he does. So maybe he does want change. Maybe he had a health scare or it's just time for a change. If this is just a change in lifestyle, you should try to be supportive.

However, sudden changes can also be signs of cheating.
03/06/2012
butterflygirlxo butterflygirlxo
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
A couple things. How YOU feel about his looks has nothing to do with how he does. So maybe he does want change. Maybe he had a health scare or it's just time for a change. If this is just a change in lifestyle, you should try to be ...
Thanks I want to be supportive and all, but he won't talk to me about any of it, he gets really aggravated with me. I try just asking him nicely why hes doing it and I will be okay with it, but he just gets mad.
03/06/2012
Ansley Ansley
On a "Healthy" scale of 1-10, this is a negative zero. I don't want to accuse the guy of cheating, but it does sound like something is up and if he's fascinated by his own junk, it just might be that he's experimenting with other guys. (Not to stereotype, but gay men are kind of notorious for being into their looks and wanting to work out and be healthy and buff.)

Whatever the case may be, as Adriana said, how you feel about his looks doesn't matter if he doesn't like how he looks and feels. Overall, this relationship sounds like a disaster and it might be time to consider cutting the ties completely. What alarms me the most is that you used the words "I had to give him a handjob the other day"....that's not good.

Gather your thoughts and/or any evidence, confront the guy and move on with your life.
03/07/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
On a "Healthy" scale of 1-10, this is a negative zero. I don't want to accuse the guy of cheating, but it does sound like something is up and if he's fascinated by his own junk, it just might be that he's experimenting with ...
I agree with Stormy's assessment that this is a very unhealthy relationship.

Personally, if My Man even thought about "tanning" (and he wouldn't... ever)... I just think it's a silly thing for a man or a woman to do, it is carcinogenic and there are much better uses for the money. I'd kick any of my kid's butts (figuratively) if they ever tried to go into a tanning booth.

Luckily, they are so involved in their school work (one working and living with her man, one in Graduate School and the little one an honor student in Middle School) their hobbies and their healthy relationships, I don't have to worry about it. We made some beautiful girls and I am glad none of them want to be orange and have made better choices with their time and money.

You "had to give him a hand job?" WTF is that? "Had to?" Or what? "Having" to engage in sexual acts isn't the sign of a healthy relationship. It appears you were forced to engage in a sex act, which is just unacceptable in most people's books. Is that OK with you? Why? If a man EVER tried to use non-consensual force to get a sex act from me, I'd call the damn police!

I love my husband and we have sex nearly daily and have a healthy relationship with a lot of communication, but he has never engaged in non-consensual force or "made me" do anything sexual that I didn't want to do.

You want someone and you're trying to make this guy into someone he isn't. If you asked him WHY he was tanning and working out and he didn't want to tell you, that's his business. Isn't it? Did you INSIST he tell you? Yeah, men LOVE that.....not only is nagging a death knell to a relationship, but WHY would you want a man who forces you to engage in sex acts and then doesn't even care how you feel about it? Do you REALLY think he's going to change? People rarely change. Rapists never do.

I'm done. You need to move on and get into a less toxic relationship,after doing some introspection into your own needs and you need to learn what to expect from a healthy relationship, and non-consensual FORCE and nagging aren't any of those things that happen in healthy relationships.
03/07/2012
El-Jaro El-Jaro
You're 21 and have been on and off with a guy for 7 years? And then all this stuff starts changing out of the blue?

Suspicious jr is suspicious...

You're young and unhappy (it sounds like), I'd suggest moving on and living life!
03/07/2012
JessCee JessCee
I don't even know this guy, and I'm pretty sure I don't like him..... at all.

As a couple (especially together as long as you guys have been together) changes like this should somehow include both people. Him explaining why these changes came out of nowhere, shouldn't be such a big deal!

What do you think would happen if you went back to doing what you wanted to do (getting your hair done and tanning?)

As far as the hand job thing goes... I'm hoping you just misworded the "I had to" part. Is it normal for him not to look at you? I dunno, my man doesn't usually look at me like that.. BUT if it's a different behavior for your guy, and it was enough for you to notice it... then yea, that's probably weird.

From what you're saying, it definitely sounds.... off.
03/07/2012
unfulfilled unfulfilled
There's something seriously wrong with this situation. He seems too CONTROLLING to me. NOONE is going to tell when I can get my hair done or if I can or can't tan.

His behavior is off.
03/07/2012
js250 js250
What really caught my attention on your posting was the fact that you USED to get your hair done and tan and.... but it caused such an argument with your partner that you quit. This is prime signs of an emotional abuser or someone who will work their way into physical abuse. I know he has his good points or you would not be with him. But when a man is so insecure about themselves and the relationship that they start causing fights over activities you enjoy to the point where you cut them out, that is a sign that it is not going to go very well in the future. How long until you have lost the person you are will you be able to continue? Can you bury your own happiness for the rest of your life? Do you have the desire and capability to be a one person moulding? Will you forego all of your friends and family for this person? Can you take the physical abuse when it starts? Is this how you pictured your life?

Trust me...I was there! It becomes an isolated, lonely existence that led me to thoughts of suicide and severe depression. I ended up not being able to live like that, the emotional and physical pain was too much. Do you still wear make up or has that turned into a hassle as well? Have you bought baggy clothes yet?

Please message me, I really want to help you and will not judge you for staying or leaving. I am here for you and will be a friend as long as you need one, okay?
03/07/2012
voenne voenne
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
You're 21 and have been on and off with a guy for 7 years? And then all this stuff starts changing out of the blue?

Suspicious jr is suspicious...

You're young and unhappy (it sounds like), I'd suggest moving on and living life!
Yes, I agree with this 100%.

This reminds me of my situation with an old boyfriend -- almost exactly. He began to become so preoccupied with his image (working out, tanning, and he even developed an eating disorder). I know he was always finding ways to make me jealous, and the purpose of all this change wasn't for me or even for him, he wanted to be attractive to other girls to get to me. Every time I tried to stand out from the crowd, he shot me down for it. He had become emotionally and verbally abusive with me. I left that relationship having completely lost myself, and I am still recovering from the severe depression and overcoming my fears years later.

This is an extremely unhealthy relationship, and you need to leave this guy for good before he hurts you more.
03/07/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
What really caught my attention on your posting was the fact that you USED to get your hair done and tan and.... but it caused such an argument with your partner that you quit. This is prime signs of an emotional abuser or someone who will work their ...
You make so much sense, js. I hope the OP listens to you, as you have been where she is now, and beyond.
03/07/2012
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
You make so much sense, js. I hope the OP listens to you, as you have been where she is now, and beyond.
Thank you. I know how much you lose and the pain, self-loathing and depression that follows the initial fight can be overwhelming. The saddest part is that you have to go through this alone, you are isolated. I hope she can get some help and resolution to what is going on, before it really is too late. I am here for anyone who needs help with this issue, I do understand!!!!
03/07/2012
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by butterflygirlxo
So I've been with my guy off and on for 7 years. The longest we broken up for was a year. He left me for another girl. This was like 5 years ago. We have had a few moments where we both started talking to someone else but we always end up right ...
wow. this sounds so rough.

i just got out of a 1.5 yr relationship, and i know even that (not nearly as long as your relationship) was really hard... making the decision to end it, ending it... the aftermath. ew.


but gosh, this sounds like your'e having major communication issues. why does he get mad when you ask him about something so simple? sounds like he's trying to hide something.

i bet you can do better off. fuck a bunch of changing your habits because someone else wants you to... you tanning and doing your hair doesn't hurt him - why did he make you stop? because he was suspicious you were doing it for other guys? that means that A. he is insecure and B. he doesn't trust you.. and possibly C. he is looking at other people too.

he left you for another girl?

enough said... darling, you can do better. i'm sure there's a guy out there who will appreciate you for everything you are.

if nothing else, YOU need to appreciate you for everything you are. you deserve to be treated better than this
'having' to give a handjob
being yelled at for asking questions about sudden changes in behavior
being controlled
being told to stop doing things that make you happy
being dumped for another girl
having your heart broken.


fuck that shit! why are you still putting yourself through that?


i know it's hard, you must really care about him or you wouldn't still be with him. question you need to ask yourself is though, am i better with him, or without him?



i wish you all the luck in the world.

if you ever need to chat, you can always PM me. i've been around the block!
03/07/2012
butterflygirlxo butterflygirlxo
Thanks everyone! Yes I did miss word that "he made me give him a hand job", although he has made me do stuff in the past that I did not want to. Or if I didn't want to do some sex act he would get mad and call me names,etc. That has passed though he does not act like that anymore he takes no for an answer.I think he is bipolar.

Anyways we did talk about this a little more he told me he wasn't happy with himself. I'm jealous because hes getting a nicer body and looking more attractive, so I decided that I'm going to work out as well and tan and get my hair and nails done to feel better about myself too. I haven't said anything else to him and don't plan to. It just starts an argument. So I'm just saying fuck it I'm going to make myself look and feel better as well. I mean what more can I do!.....If I want to stay with him it's something I have to get over and if I'm not okay with it I guess just leave him even though I wish it was so much easier to do that.

This still is a bit suspicious to me though because it was such a dramatic/ fast change.
03/11/2012
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by butterflygirlxo
Thanks everyone! Yes I did miss word that "he made me give him a hand job", although he has made me do stuff in the past that I did not want to. Or if I didn't want to do some sex act he would get mad and call me names,etc. That has ...
Whatever helps you sleep at night. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. I've learned that trying to convince women in your situation that they're setting themselves up for disaster never pans out well. So, if you're satisfied with the results of your conversation, congratulations.
03/11/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by butterflygirlxo
Thanks everyone! Yes I did miss word that "he made me give him a hand job", although he has made me do stuff in the past that I did not want to. Or if I didn't want to do some sex act he would get mad and call me names,etc. That has ...
Um. Honey. Now, you're telling us, "Oh, it isn't that bad." Now, either it IS that bad (and I assume it is, as does everyone else) or there was exaggeration in the first post. My guess is you're trying to forget the abuse and try to pretend it never happened and that "he doesn't do that anymore." I think most of us are sophisticated enough to relationships know that people just don't change and "get better" that quickly. There's no way you could know he's bi-polar, but if his actions are erratic and possibly dangerous, WHY are you staying with him? There's no consistency in a relationship like this.

But, I think Stormy was right. I also think js knows what she's talking about when she talks about identifying and getting out of abusive relationships.

Change is hard. But, when you're in an abusive relationship YOU have to make the change. He isn't going to.

Good luck. No amount of "advice" (despite the fact that you asked for advice) is going to do any good at this point, I'm seeing.

Good luck. Please stay safe.
03/11/2012
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
This is not a healthy relationship. It sounds like you guys have bad self esteem and are co-dependent with trust issues. You need to be allowed to do whatever you want to improve your appearance as can he. It shouldn't be a battle over who looks better or whatever. And there is a big issue with you being insecure about him looking better. You guys obviously need to work on your trust. I always aim to look better for myself. Do what you want to do. The change he is making could be for any reason but it's wrong to assume he is doing it for another girl. BUT all that aside, if he is disrespecting you etc. he's not the guy for you and is obviously letting the cockiness get to his head. I hate guys like that and I don't date them.
03/11/2012
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by butterflygirlxo
Thanks I want to be supportive and all, but he won't talk to me about any of it, he gets really aggravated with me. I try just asking him nicely why hes doing it and I will be okay with it, but he just gets mad.
I would get mad too if my partner accused me of wanting to impress other guys when I tan and workout. That's ludacris.
03/11/2012
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
You're 21 and have been on and off with a guy for 7 years? And then all this stuff starts changing out of the blue?

Suspicious jr is suspicious...

You're young and unhappy (it sounds like), I'd suggest moving on and living life!
I totally forgot about that too...you need to get out and date other people. Having one relationship to base your opinions about what you want for life on isn't the best way to choose a partner imo. It works for some, but not everyone.
03/11/2012
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by butterflygirlxo
Thanks everyone! Yes I did miss word that "he made me give him a hand job", although he has made me do stuff in the past that I did not want to. Or if I didn't want to do some sex act he would get mad and call me names,etc. That has ...
He MADE you give him a hand job... he shouldn't make you do ANYTHING. No one, not even your parents when you an adult should make you do anything you don't want to do.

So... if your jealous, why don't you work out and tan too? I hope you follow through with doing it for yourself. You have that right, ya know? Why wouldn't you be okay with your partner getting healthy and looking better?! That makes no sense to me... I'd be proud of being with a guy that gives a damn about his appearance. I've been with ones that didn't care and it was a turn off to me..

These things can be dramatic. I lost 38 pounds after my father called me fat as a teen. Literally overnight I changed my life.
03/11/2012
js250 js250
I hope you two can work through your issues. Marriage/partner counseling is a great start for opening up HEALTHY communication. I am very happy that you have had a talk and are back in the honeymoon stage. If or when it reaches another hurtful plateau, please message me...I lived for many years in your situation, otherwise known as I have walked in your moccasins and I know the good and bad in a relationship with such extreme dynamics. You can either let go of yourself and learn to be that person or when you have reached your level of tolerance, you will know and change your situation. I wish you both the best and hope you make decisions that are good and healthy for BOTH of you.
03/14/2012
Total posts: 21
Unique posters: 11