Originally posted by
In her eyes I cheated on her, I left her for another Woman to protect her from being VOP. I don't love the Woman that I'm with and I never cheated on her, I did sleep with the Woman afterwards and I feel like crap for it!
Aw. I'm really, really sorry! I really don't know how you'd go about it since everybody is different. Some people will trust again easier than others. For me though, my problem would be more of me always having this hurtful, nagging feeling in the back of my mind "he did it once. Maybe he doesn't think so much of me afterall, what if it happens again, etc."
Okay, so what is "VOP?" I think I am confused. You said you left her for another woman, then you said you don't love the woman that you're with and you never cheated on her.... The woman you are with is the other woman, not the one you are talking about wanting to earn her trust back, am I right? And you never cheated on which one? Or do you mean that you did not actually cheat on your partner, but ya'll split up and you slept with someone else while you were split & now she knows and she feels
as if she has been cheated on? Is that correct? Sorry. Running on low sleep... or coffee one. Don't know anymore! Lol.
Okay, so if it's the latter -- you didn't sleep with the other woman while you were together with your partner, but you slept with another woman while you were not together, but your original partner still feels hurt. She feels like she has been cheated on, even though ya'll were split. If that's correct, then in my opinion, I think it will be easier to earn her trust back than if you had actually full blown cheated on her. Because when you split up, I think it would feel less like you slept with someone because your partner wasn't good enough or whatever. It may not feel so much as you done it because she wasn't good enough, if you guys weren't together when you did it. This is how I'd feel anyways. I'd be far more broken hearted if he cheated on me while we were together than if he slept with someone while we were split up or on some type of break. We've never been through a break up together, but I've had them in the past.
To earn her trust back...
Well, first, are you still seeing the other woman? If so, there's no chance of you earning her trust back while you're still seeing another woman, that's for sure. The very first step, I think, would be to get rid of the other woman, get her out of your life. Of course if this is what you want. If you have no intentions of being faithful to her though, then I would just try my best not to further hurt her. I'm not saying you aren't faithful, just saying you should be sure you don't have any feelings or desire for that other woman before you go trying to patch it up with your original partner. If later down the road, you did earn her trust back and things were going smooth, then you suddenly realize you want the other woman again or something, that would be devastating for her to deal with, or I think it would be anyway.
So I'd first be sure you do want to be with your partner, be done with the other woman and then go to her trying to patch it up.
I haven't dealt with my partner and I splitting up, but I have dealt with distrustfulness. I had very little trust when we first got together -- a combination of reasons. I don't know how well this will be taken, but in all honesty, it seems like you have to prove yourself if you want someone to begin trusting you again. I mean, often times, if you've given them a reason not to trust you, they can't help that they don't trust you. And it's not that they just simply don't want to trust you because a lot of times when you love someone, you do want to be able to trust them again. You just want to be sure you can do so safely, and that's why I feel like it takes proving yourself trustworthy if you have done something to cause the person not to trust you any longer.
So if you really do love her & you truly want to be with her (and only her), then I'd say you'll have to figure out what she
needs in order to begin trusting you again. I think everyone is different, so I can't say what she needs. You can discuss it with her, but I'd go at her pace and let her do the decision making as far as meeting up and stuff goes.
Ask her simply if she knows what could help her trust you again. Chances are, if she wants to be back with you, she'll tell you. But there's a chance that she just doesn't know what would make her trust you again, too. The only thing I know that will gain a trust like this back is showing her (showing, not only telling) that she is who you want, the only one you want & giving her a reason to think you are worthy of her trusting you again, taking the chance to be hurt again.
If she is able to trust you again, she'd need to know that you were strictly with her, only love or desire her. This is just what I think, but I could be wrong. I just think it would take her being able to feel secure that you aren't going to have issues wanting to be with other people and that you are going to be fully with her and only her and be happy with her & only her.
Like I said, maybe I'm wrong. But this is what I think would be your best bet, and you'd have to be serious about it. You can't exactly fake only wanting to be with one person if you don't really want that. Not for long anyways. It will no doubt take a very long time for her to trust again, as well as being able to heal. That alone is going to be hard for her & if she doesn't heal from the hurt, then it won't be possible to place trust back in you, IMO. And I'll just say, it's not always going to be easy for you either, during her healing process because you're likely going to feel a lot of guilt over her being sad, angry, depressed or feeling low. Cheating does a lot of damage, including to one's self esteem. It's very hard to gain back someone's trust, but it's even harder to get back self-esteem. I don't know that it damaged her self-esteem, but it's common & I've personally felt that when I've been cheated on.
Like I said, the only thing I can say in your situation that is for-sure is getting rid of the other woman(women). That means if you dread not seeing the other woman, then it's highly likely you aren't exactly 100% committed or ready to give your partner the faithfulness she needs anyways. If you still feel the desire to contact or be with the other woman, then I don't think you should take the chance of earning her trust back. Also, sometimes people feel badly for hurting their partners, but they don't necessarily want to go back and have to commit fully or spend the effort to earn trust back, but they feel guilt, so they feel obligated to fix the screw-up. I think it's easy to mistake the guilt and the feelings of needing to fix it for wanting to be back with the person. Sometimes you just want them to stop hurting, even if you caused it, but it doesn't always mean that is the right choice, if you have any doubts about being fully faithful. I'd just give it a few days, contact her (ONLY if you have fully broke it off with the other woman) and tell her how you feel, ask her if she would consider working on things, and let her take it all at her own pace, and let her know that. Tell her you want to work it out and tell her how you feel, but also let her do the talking because I'm sure she has a lot of feelings to share as well as questions. I'd be prepared to answer and listen and be honest & not get upset, though!