Tips to stop fighting?

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Tips to stop fighting?

Nazaress Nazaress
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while now. Today is our 1 year and 5 month anniversary, actually. We live together (have been for a while) and we're very much in love. We've talked about marriage one day and maybe even children. We definitely don't want to break up. But sometimes we just fight so bad. He has severe anger problems (yells, throws things, says stuff he doesn't mean) and I cry a LOT over even little things (It's a habit I developed growing up in an emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive home). I get tired of him yelling and he gets tired of me crying. So things usually just escalate. I was hoping maybe some of you long-term couples (or halves of couples) could give me and my boyfriend some advice on how to stop fighting and make the rest of our lives together happy.
01/23/2012
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In Between Soliloquies In Between Soliloquies
One thing I've learned is to keep communicating. My partner's so great about it; he always encourages me to say what I'm thinking and feeling regardless of how harsh it is because when we stop talking to one another, things can really deteriorate.
01/23/2012
Nazaress Nazaress
Quote:
Originally posted by In Between Soliloquies
One thing I've learned is to keep communicating. My partner's so great about it; he always encourages me to say what I'm thinking and feeling regardless of how harsh it is because when we stop talking to one another, things can really deteriorate.
I'd like to communicate more. Really, I already do a lot. He doesn't really like to, though. He always says "I don't know what to say" or "What do you want me to say?" and he constantly says he'll change but rarely ever does. It's really frustrating sometimes.
01/23/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
My husband and I had this problem after we had our son. The stress got to us and the worst came out. We went to marriage counseling to fix it. We started taking about fifteen minutes a day to have meetings. We would say what the other one did that made us really happy and then what the other could have improved upon. Make sure you use "I" statements like "I feel hurt when..." instead of "you're an ass" or something like that. We would talk about what we did that day and anything that was bugging us about work or life in general to vent because life stress creates relationship stress.

We also developed an email system because my husband is bad at communication. For a while we would email once a week just to touch base once we stopped having our daily meetings because we got good at regular communication. Our emails would say if we had any issues with each other that we felt needed to be worked on from that week. We also email if there is an "emergency" problem.

We've also learned how to have cool off periods. If thing escalate, take a break. Learn to walk away from the argument instead of continuing to engage it. This has been the hardest from me to learn because I want to talk NOW if there's a problem and I think women generally (not all, but many) have this in them. A cool off period until you a ready to calmly and rationally discuss the situation will stop most arguments from getting to the point where you're throwing things and crying.

I've also learned that if I can get a few sentences from him about how he feels that's an accomplishment and to be happy with it instead of pushing for a long conversation.

Are we perfect? No way! No couple is. But since we've done all that our relationship is a thousand times better than it was.
01/23/2012
Beck Beck
Go for a walk when he is like that and you are very upset. It really helps! I have to do this when me an my hubby fight to. I just use the excuse "I'm taking the dog for a walk." Sometimes you need a clear mind and getting away from the stress is best. Then sometimes he won't let me leave, then I find I have to get into the shower.

When he is yelling at you try to listen without listening. Listen so if he asks you something you can answer, but don't let it bother you (even when it is hurtful), someone has to be the adult and clam one and it doesn't sound like he can. You need to remain calm for the fight not to continue. I know it way easier said than done (I am still working on it), but you will get there with some hard work.

No couple gets along all the time and you will have moments, but you take the good and the bad. I hope things help you out.
01/23/2012
lcl169 lcl169
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
My husband and I had this problem after we had our son. The stress got to us and the worst came out. We went to marriage counseling to fix it. We started taking about fifteen minutes a day to have meetings. We would say what the other one did ...
really smart ideas here, stainedclear! thank you.
01/23/2012
Cookie Monster Mike Cookie Monster Mike
Anger management! I'm not trying to be insensitive but if it's hard for him to control and he is throwing things, it's not healthy for either of you. So anger management or couples counseling or something may need to be looked into as a suggestion. Especially if it's usually small insignificant petty things that makes him angry so easily.

Definitely at least at first want to start trying to communicate some more. Try to find a way to calm the situation down quickly before it escalates into yelling and throwing. If you question him as to why he is angry or ask him to tell you why he is upset or what he is feeling does this generally make it worse?
01/23/2012
babychika babychika
A great trick is to talk very softly and calm. It is almost impossible to scream at someone that is actually not screaming, and in turn in speaking soft and calm. Try it...
01/23/2012
Cookie Monster Mike Cookie Monster Mike
I have been in some very bad situations in the past with angry people, who had an imbalance or something but extremely angry and uncontrollable. Also some bipolar people, suffice to say, mental, verbal and physical abuse took place on me and others. I don't screw around with that anymore, so in maybe some sense I can imagine your situation.
01/23/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by Cookie Monster Mike
I have been in some very bad situations in the past with angry people, who had an imbalance or something but extremely angry and uncontrollable. Also some bipolar people, suffice to say, mental, verbal and physical abuse took place on me and others. ...
Okay, so I'm gonna take a second to take up for Bipolar people. I'm Bipolar and I'm not abusive. Not everyone with Bipolar is a total ass. There are bad seeds with and without mental disorders. Bipolar doesn't automatically make someone abusive. I have known lots of other people with Bipolar who were also not abusive. So I just wanted to add that in.
01/23/2012
Nazaress Nazaress
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
My husband and I had this problem after we had our son. The stress got to us and the worst came out. We went to marriage counseling to fix it. We started taking about fifteen minutes a day to have meetings. We would say what the other one did ...
Those are a lot of great ideas! Thank you! I'll definitely have to suggest these to him and see if they'll help. You're right about wanting to talk "now". I'm like that. I can't stand letting something just hang in the air. I want to fix it as fast as possible so I want to talk.

@ Cookie Monster Mike: As for whether or not he gets angrier when asked about things, it depends. If he can't find the right words, he gets frustrated and angrier so it can sometimes be a bad thing. I can't help him with that because I can't read his mind.

And thank you to everyone else, as well!
01/23/2012
ddd masturbator(bye all!) ddd masturbator(bye all!)
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
My husband and I had this problem after we had our son. The stress got to us and the worst came out. We went to marriage counseling to fix it. We started taking about fifteen minutes a day to have meetings. We would say what the other one did ...
I was going to give much of the same advice...

I also like what was said about keeping a level tone when the other person starts yelling.

Never doubt the power of just WALKING away!!!
01/24/2012
Jessica Elizabeth Jessica Elizabeth
I second the emailing idea. My boyfriend and I rarely argue, but when we do after we separate (after going to work or whatever) we always email (or usually facebook message unless it's epic long) to apologize, explain ourselves and bury the hatchet.

It's difficult for me to be around anger (and my boyfriend has anger issues as well; they used be worse until he went to counselling) so I usually go to the bedroom, talk a walk, take a bath or something to let him get it out and I don't have to like... "take it" for lack of a better word.

Part of it, I think, is that you both need to accept that you have issues, personally. You are very emotional and he has a short temper. Thus you will never be perfect; you will always be emotional and he will always be quick to anger. It's all in how you handle it.

Something that helps my boyfriend when he gets angry is to be by himself for a few minutes, to calm down and think things through. He rarely throws stuff anymore. Perhaps a punching bag or something like that would help your boyfriend? Then he can burn that energy off in a non-harmful way. It's still a bit violent, but it's not breaking things and so forth.

Lastly I very much second the sticking to "I feel" statements. This way you're still stating what you need to say, however you're not placing blame. Also stay away from "always" statements, as no matter how it seems, it's never always and statements like that can really put someone on the defensive, as can "you" statments. ("you always say blah blah" versus "I feel blah blah in response to xyz statements."

luck on this ...
01/24/2012
Cookie Monster Mike Cookie Monster Mike
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
Okay, so I'm gonna take a second to take up for Bipolar people. I'm Bipolar and I'm not abusive. Not everyone with Bipolar is a total ass. There are bad seeds with and without mental disorders. Bipolar doesn't automatically make ...
No worries I understand what you mean. It's why I said "some bipolar people". I've known some of the worst kind and some of a best kind. Some people need medication for it but decide not to take it, I have been around someone like that before. 1 second they are happy and everything is fine, next thing I know is shit is flying around the house, yelling screaming etc. My partner has a friend who is bipolar in a completely different way, they rarely get angry, but suffer from many other things.

Sorry if I came across as suggesting that bipolar is always a bad thing involving abuse. This topic brought up some bad memories so I was trying to be as calm as possible. Can I make up for it and offer you a cookie? Normally I have a hard time sharing my cookies so I'd take it while you can
01/24/2012
Tangerine Tangerine
I dont have much advice. Your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine. So you are not alone. We however are trying to work on things and have been talking very candidly about how it makes us feel when the other says this, acts like this, does this, If we can understand each other better we are hoping it will make us think twice before we act.... we shall see.
01/24/2012
Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
My husband and I had this problem after we had our son. The stress got to us and the worst came out. We went to marriage counseling to fix it. We started taking about fifteen minutes a day to have meetings. We would say what the other one did ...
this is awesome advice. If possible at all, go to a counselor! I highly recommend it. I can't really think of anything else to add.

Really, you guys have to let each have space when you start escalating. Trust me, you will not be communicating at all when you're screaming at each other. Yelling is one of the worse ways to express yourself, and either of you may say something you regret later. Breathe and step back! And then meet up later when you're both better.
01/24/2012
Total posts: 16
Unique posters: 11