Virgin: should I do it quickly or slowly get her used to it over weeks?

Howells Howells
Please read the explanation. My girlfriend and I have been together for over one year but we haven't had sex yet she doesn't have a high sex drive and it's hard for me to tell if she's enjoying anything about it. She doesn't talk much about it nor does she moan or have an orgasm but im trying hard trust me. She's not my first and I know what I'm doing and am really patient but it's just not happening. She does get wet tho and she has the shaky legs when I'm going down on her We agreed that it's about time to have sex but she is like so tight in there she also never used a tampon or touched herself (sigh). So I can barely get a finger in her pussy and even if I can I do it very slowly and it's only a tip of my finger. If I move it she's in some pain. I read somewhere that it would likely be better to work her up to it and perhaps just being able to finger her with 1-2 fingers before having sex would be beneficial. Or we should just get over it quickly and painfully for her? Honestly I don't know what's better, all these somewhat painful sessions of trying to even finger her (been trying for a couple of times already) for God knows how long or the quick way. She could get the idea that sex is painful either way.. What would you do?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
CinnamonNights , Adnerbmw , Slutty Girl Problems , edeneve , Gracie , BlackOrchid , Subska , Pete's Princess , Ansley , MistressDandelion , ticklemepink93 , Isola , Polly Tadlily , Pandora'sBox , Tangerine , Bignuf , YvetteJeannine , LoooveMonkey , CajunCutie , smalltalkingbit , Graniteal , Missy27 , MaeGal , SalmiakkiVodka , hingerlewis , SouthernBelle , acookie , Akira , SweetSaffron , iDetektiv , anyankaleigh
31  (97%)
RonLee
1  (3%)
Total votes: 32
Poll is open
11/17/2013
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CinnamonNights CinnamonNights
NeeeEEEEEever rush! The "Quick and painful route" is just a silly scenario presented by porn, and all it'll really do is just quickly scare away a lover IRL. If something is hurting her then just shoving your way through her won't make things better in the long run. It's not sexy to people when they feel rushed to enjoy something even if it hurts them. You may be feeling worried or impatient, but if you take your time with her then she'll probably trust you a lot more with her body.

Just go slow, and have lots of foreplay. Touch and kiss her all over, not just poke her boob and immediately go "Downstairs". Maybe try out using lube! ...A lot of it might be good by how it sounds. (Silicone based lube lasts a bit longer but water based cleans up a lot easier.) Just slowly work with fingers until you get to 3 or so of them in.

Put one in, gently wiggle it and press and rub around for a bit, then tell her you're going to add another finger and ask if that's okay. If she says yes then go for it, if not then stop and try later. Communication is key, even if she's not talking, try asking her questions! "Do you like that?" "Does that hurt?" "Do you want to keep going?" She may not be loud in bed but she can still respond with words or nodding.

Good luck
11/18/2013
Slutty Girl Problems Slutty Girl Problems
Quote:
Originally posted by CinnamonNights
NeeeEEEEEever rush! The "Quick and painful route" is just a silly scenario presented by porn, and all it'll really do is just quickly scare away a lover IRL. If something is hurting her then just shoving your way through her won't ... More
Shocked at "quick and painful" - who EVER thinks this is a good idea?!
11/18/2013
Slutty Girl Problems Slutty Girl Problems
Quote:
Originally posted by Howells
Please read the explanation. My girlfriend and I have been together for over one year but we haven't had sex yet she doesn't have a high sex drive and it's hard for me to tell if she's enjoying anything about it. She doesn't talk ... More
Also, it sounds like she has Vaginismus - a condition which makes the vaginal muscles tense up during penetration. It can make fingers or even just a tampon incredibly painful and nearly impossible. My best recommendation would be to have her see her gynecologist. This is definitely something that can be fixed over time!
11/18/2013
edeneve edeneve
quick & painful isn't going to give her any pleasure nor widen her vagina. if she does have Vaginismus, there are several toys that can help her. here is a link to one: Dr. Laura Berman dilator set – vibrator kit
11/18/2013
Gracie Gracie
Communication is the most important thing here. Perhaps because she is inexperienced she lacks vocabulary too. Do what you can to find out her fears, hopes, desires, pleasures and expectations. Talk more both during physical intimacy and "away from the moment." Share about yourself too. Good luck!
11/19/2013
Slutty Girl Problems Slutty Girl Problems
Quote:
Originally posted by edeneve
quick & painful isn't going to give her any pleasure nor widen her vagina. if she does have Vaginismus, there are several toys that can help her. here is a link to one: Dr. Laura Berman dilator set – vibrator kit ... More
Great recommendation!! These are awesome, from friends who have used them.
11/19/2013
Howells Howells
Thanks for your recommendations Okay we'll keep trying then. I don't think it's vaginismus though as only her hymen seems to be strong and with a tiny opening. The dilator vibrator is interesting.. but I got many vibrators (I haven't indroduced them to her yet), like Lelo Liv (wtf it's discontinued), Mona, Smart wand (way too big but might help with relaxation and massage and on her clit), and lots of lube of every kind (I reviewed in the past). Also got some tiny vibrators like bcute classic with 7/8" diam that sounds good.
11/19/2013
Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
Well the problem could be a physical issue so it is good to get it checked by a doctor. Most virgins to not have pain when inserting a condom or having a finger inserted. If there is nothing physical then it may be that she is just not comfortable with sex.

One thing that may help is for her to get comfortable with her own body. Since you have toys already then slowly introduce them to her. Let her find out what feels good and she will be more comfortable when you touch her. A book like Getting Off by Jayme Waxman might be a good place to start.

Do not do the quick and painful thing. If she doesn't think much of sex now, she will hate it after that. It may also be a moral thing for her. If she was raised in a home where sex before marriage was not appropriate, she may be having issues and tightening up. Also, if she was sexually abused in some way, she may not be able to fully enjoy herself.

Sounds like you are a very patient and loving partner. Good luck.
11/19/2013
Pandora'sBox Pandora'sBox
Quote:
Originally posted by Howells
Thanks for your recommendations Okay we'll keep trying then. I don't think it's vaginismus though as only her hymen seems to be strong and with a tiny opening. The dilator vibrator is interesting.. but I got many vibrators (I haven't ... More
Vaginismus has nothing to do with the hymen. Vaginismus is a psychologically-rooted issue. It causes the muscles to involuntarily tense up and this is usually caused by a fear of some sort (i.e. not being comfortable with her body.) A friend of mine suffers from Vaginismus. She has the same issues your girlfriend has. Even fingers are painful to her.

I wouldn't write off the possibility of it just yet.

Even if she doesn't have Vaginismus, it would be wise for her to see her gynecologist anyway. She's decided to become sexually active and it would be good for her to talk to the doctor about this to discuss possible options for contraception (other than condoms. Always, always use two methods.)

You said that she doesn't moan or orgasm. Are you sure you "know what you're doing?" Just because some sex you had with another person worked for them, doesn't mean the same things are going to work for her. A big mistake some people make is assuming that past experience is going to be a cover-all for future lovers. I would recommend you try to make her orgasm before you try to insert anything into her. Don't assume that she will respond to the same things previous partners did.
12/20/2013
Tangerine Tangerine
I would just try using some lube and fingering her more to get her used it or discuss it. Either she's really sensitive or perhaps she just doesn't REALLY want to.
Jan 11, 10:57 am
Ansley Ansley
Great responses, everyone!
Jan 13, 1:06 pm
Graniteal Graniteal
Quote:
Originally posted by Pandora'sBox
Vaginismus has nothing to do with the hymen. Vaginismus is a psychologically-rooted issue. It causes the muscles to involuntarily tense up and this is usually caused by a fear of some sort (i.e. not being comfortable with her body.) A friend of mine ... More
Agreed. And definitely go for a slower route. Rushing it and hurting her most likely isn't going to make her want more of it.
Jan 28, 12:08 am
MaeGal MaeGal
Ditto what everyone else has said.
Take your time, don't rush her or it will just end poorly. If it were me, I'd talk to her about it and see how she's feeling on the matter.
Feb 28, 3:01 am
RonLee RonLee
Before you push more for intercourse or penetrating her with your finger(s), consider working with her on her learning to masturbate to orgasm. She sounds like has never successfully orgasmed by her own hand. Learning that is tremendously important to her learning to orgasm and enjoy it with you.

And to reiterate what everyone else said...
Don't even think about "Go at it quickly and painfully it'll be over before she knows it."
If I were her, and you did that, I would at the very least leave you immediately and consider assault charges.
May 23, 4:10 pm
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by Pandora'sBox
Vaginismus has nothing to do with the hymen. Vaginismus is a psychologically-rooted issue. It causes the muscles to involuntarily tense up and this is usually caused by a fear of some sort (i.e. not being comfortable with her body.) A friend of mine ... More
I have to second your suggestion. See a gynecologist. An adult females vagina should not be so tight as to have a finger size object be "painful". Sorry, but that aperture was designed to accommodate a penis and later a baby coming out the other way. It is pretty stretchable material. Anyone that "tight" may have an anatomical or medical issue that only a doctor could recognize and can certainly offer helpful suggestions with. Best wishes, since this doesn't sound fun for either one of you right now.
May 23, 5:57 pm
Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by RonLee
Before you push more for intercourse or penetrating her with your finger(s), consider working with her on her learning to masturbate to orgasm. She sounds like has never successfully orgasmed by her own hand. Learning that is tremendously important ... More
So true. Fast and hard is never a good idea for introducing any sexual activity.
May 23, 5:58 pm
SouthernBelle SouthernBelle
Definitely go slow! When I first became sexually active with my partner, I was a lot like your girlfriend. I hadn't even tried masturbating, much less anything else.... I encourage you two to explore erogenous zones and clitoral stimulation to help her loosen up as well. It may also help if you two agree to try to communicate more during this experience. I'm not particularly chatty during sex, but it is important when you are trying something new (especially with the risk of pain) to talk to one another.
Jun 16, 12:16 am
anyankaleigh anyankaleigh
Try: lots and lots of lube, and making sure she has an orgasm (through clitoral stimulation) first. But before you do any of that, MAKE SURE she's completely on board with this. If she's upset or unwilling, there's your problem. Make sure she really wants this and is comfortable communicating with you!
Jul 21, 8:27 pm
Total posts: 19
Unique posters: 15