Younger marriages -or- older marriages (agewise).

I'm a bit too close to the situation to make a real judgement but I've noticed quite a bit of weirdness because I'm going to be 21 and getting engaged soon (after being together almost four years). I'd love to see what some other people have to say.

Hubby and I were 21 when we got married 10 years ago. My hubby and I met in 1997 when we both were in high school. We became great friends.

My thoughts are younger people tend to struggle more because you are just starting your adult life and haven't gotten your career and life goals filled yet.
Older people have given themselves the time to focus on what they really want before they settle into their marriage.

I have watched so many of my friends get married young and then divorce because things did not turn out how they wanted them to. I do feel that there are those exceptions, if you are best of friends before you marry then you could last.

The parent thing also depends on the person as well. I know some who became moms at young ages and their kids are their lives. There are also kids I feel sorry for because of how bad their parents are.

Personally, I have noticed that under 20 seems to last for about 4-8 years. Over 26 seems to have a strong lasting effect and over 35 seems to have the best odds of lasting. This is taken from my friends and their relationships over the years. I feel younger parents are closer to the kids where the older parents are more settled and seem to buy more instead of spending the time with the kids. I realize this is all relative to specific situations, but it seems to be the normal or average where I live and with my friends.

People change a lot in their late teens and twenties. I think it's a bad idea to get married before about 25 for most people.

What about mixed ages? Someone under 24 and someone over 35. I wonder how that balances out...

I was 23 and my ex-husband was 32 when we got married. It was because of our stubbornness that we stayed together for nine years, even though we were completely unsuited to each other as spouses.

Now I'm 34 and divorced and I'm still figuring out what I'm doing. I know I'm not ready to be married again, there's still a lot of stuff to work out and take care of before someone else becomes that entwined with my life once more. What's interesting is that any future marriage will be about "him and me" and not "the family" because I'm not looking to have children. My choice in spouse is going to be based on mutual enrichment.

So, an argument for older marriages? For myself, certainly. I do have friends that have been happily married since college and it suits them well. They had enough sense of themselves and each other to know what they were getting into. (Or, as I call it, They Did It Right the First Time.)

We got married when I was fairly young, just out of college, while my husband was older. I think it depends on the couple. I think it's more difficult if both have not gotten their education first. It's SO hard to try to go back to school once kids start arriving, although possible, it's difficult. Without an education, getting jobs that pay a decent amount to live on is nearly impossible.

As for kids, I work with new mothers all the time. Some "Older" mothers (over 35 when the first baby is born) tend to be really worried about when "life will get back to normal." They had decades as adults and don't seem to realize life will NEVER be as it was, at least as long as you raise your own kids. I see a LOT of anxiety about getting things "back on track" with older mothers. I kind of wonder sometimes, "Why did you do this, if you want your life exactly the way it was before you had kids? If you were so happy without kids, why have them?" Not ALL older mothers are like this of course, but we do see a much higher rate of post partum mood disorders, less contact with the children and unrealistic exceptions of what parenting is about from older parents, with years of fertility treatments only adding to this issue. Again, it isn't ALL older moms, but many of those who return to work within a short period of time. Those who stay home (of the older moms) seem more willing to go with the flow that things are going to be very different and never again be the same than those who rush to "get their life back."

Of course, those who can stay home also somehow either got their finances in order before the kids came OR were willing to change immensely and live on a LOT less, this realizing their lives would change completely, tend to have less stress as parents as well as are willing to go along with the changes that parenthood brings.

Having kids isn't like... making some new friends. It's a life altering event, bringing human beings into the world that are completely dependent on you for at least 2 to 2 and a half decades. I think TOO many people just don't think it through.

I don't quite understand the "I need my life back" moms. There is always the choice to NOT have any kids. If one's life is perfect without kids, why have them?

I say this having had my first two kids fairly young and being fully cognizant that my life was going to change completely. Then having our youngest a time later, and knowing for SURE that things were to change completely.

I do admire people who admit they don't want kids and stick with their decisions. (As I admire people who have kids and put their heart and soul into raising them.) I think making either choice mindfully is the key.

There's no perfect age for having kids, but if one is either too young to realize what the challenges will be or too old to make major life changes, having children will be unbearable... especially for the children.