Need advice

zilch nada zilch nada
I am 39 years old, female, 5'6", 120lbs. I have been married for 5years and together with my husband for 10 years. I need a opinion from anyone. I for the life of me cannot get my husbands sexual drive up. Ok I cannot get him to even have a drive!!!!!! I honestly have tried so many different things from sending him porno of myself to him, been blunt and what I would like to do to him I mean things that would make you turn red. But NOTHING, I get no response out of him. Our sex life just sucks. I am lucky to get it maybe 2 to 3 times a year!!! What is wrong with me?
09/17/2008
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Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I am 39 years old, female, 5'6", 120lbs. I have been married for 5years and together with my husband for 10 years. I need a opinion from anyone. I for the life of me cannot get my husbands sexual drive up. Ok I cannot get him to even ... More
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. How's your husband's work life like? Is it stressful? Has his thyroid and his testosterone levels been checked? Has he been checked for diabetes? Does he suffer from depression or take an anti-depressant? There are SO many reasons to account for why sex doesn't happen the way you want it to. He however, may be fulfilled doing other things or at the end of the day sex is the last thing he thinks of. I doubt it, but who knows? If there isn't communication in the marriage things will never improve. Have you talked to your doctor for ways to remedy this problem? Considered couples counseling? I know a lot of women that would pick everything up and go but you've stuck it out so research all options you can to help improve your sex life together as a couple. It takes two to tango so find out why he doesn't want to dance.
09/17/2008
Cock Wrangler Cock Wrangler
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I am 39 years old, female, 5'6", 120lbs. I have been married for 5years and together with my husband for 10 years. I need a opinion from anyone. I for the life of me cannot get my husbands sexual drive up. Ok I cannot get him to even ... More
First, and most importantly, nothing is wrong with you. Your husband's sex drive is his responsibility, not yours. There are any number of reasons why he's not so interested in sex, and any number of ways to address and change this. However, he has to be motivated to do so on his own and for himself as well as you trying to help him.
Also, this is not meant to be critical, but your overtures might be making him more uncomfortable. I know they're meant to be supportive, but backing off and talking to him might get you further right now.
09/17/2008
Miss Jane Miss Jane
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I am 39 years old, female, 5'6", 120lbs. I have been married for 5years and together with my husband for 10 years. I need a opinion from anyone. I for the life of me cannot get my husbands sexual drive up. Ok I cannot get him to even ... More
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Some men have lower sex drives in general, and all kinds of things can affect a man's sex drive that has nothing to do with the person he's having sex with. Like the others who commented before me have said, it could be a plethora of things. You should sit down and talk to him about it, and have him talk to his doctor to see if it's something physical or a side effect of medication.
09/17/2008
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I am 39 years old, female, 5'6", 120lbs. I have been married for 5years and together with my husband for 10 years. I need a opinion from anyone. I for the life of me cannot get my husbands sexual drive up. Ok I cannot get him to even ... More
I agree it's not you, and that may be one of the hardest things to really *know.*

It is possible, given your age, and therefore his in a close range- that he feels as if he's having "performance issues" and doesn't want to disappoint you.

You too need to talk no matter how hard it may be.
09/17/2008
zilch nada zilch nada
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. How's your husband's work life like? Is it stressful? Has his thyroid and his testosterone levels been checked? Has he been checked for diabetes? Does he suffer from depression or take an ... More
My husband and I own a business together. But most of the day I am in the shop and he is at home. We work it out so we dont strangle each other. Stress is here but I take most of it on. As far as going to the doctors........,.He doesn't see a problem!!!!!! He takes no medication at all.
I have tried to talk to him, believe me. But it seems when I do he either changes the subject or blows off what I say. For instance last night, he was in the back yard so I thought I would text him and ask him if he wanted to go for a quickie. His response was "You should smell these onions and peppers on the grill they smell amazing" WHAT? Granted he was grilling but still what the hell? I have tried to give hints subtle, I have tried to give hints bluntly, and absolutely no response. And yes any person in my position would have packed their crap and gotten the hell out. But I said my vows meaning through good times and bad. I just am to the breaking point that maybe I should just sleep in the spare room. If he doesn't want to be with me intimate than why do I keep trying so hard?
09/18/2008
Jimbo Jones Jimbo Jones
Wow, it really seems like you have worked on this with him a lot. If he won't go see a doctor, have you talked to him about couple's counseling? He will probably say there isn't a problem unless you let him know there is a problem. You are really going to need to let him know how important this is to you and that you need fulfillment from him. Was there a time when the two of you were more sexually active, or has it always been like this? I really think you need to talk to him and let him know how much your relationship is missing if there is not sexual relationship.
09/18/2008
Bulma Bulma
I've ran into the "deaf husband syndrome" in my life, and it is very frustrating. Granted, there are some people who actually do not want sex at all, but if he was always that way I doubt you would be wondering what's going on now. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband does, but I don't know what I'd do if he only wanted sex a handful of times during a year.

When I try to talk to my husband and he doesn't listen or keeps changing the subject, I resort to letters. I lay out my concerns and feelings, and what I think needs to happen for the situation to get resolved, adding that I ask him what he thinks would be best and that I need him to communicate with me. I then leave the letter someplace he is sure to find it (taped to the TV or fridge for my hubby) and then leave the house for a couple hours so he has a chance to read it while I'm not there. This has always worked to open the gates of communication between us, so it might be worth a shot with your husband. I find that my hubby doesn't remember past memories as often as I do, so it helps if I remind him. Something like "do you remember when we first got together, that night we stayed up, just you and me loving each other. Wasn't that great?" If I remind my husband of how happy we used to be and how great the sex was a couple years ago, it gets him to thinking about it and he opens up more about it.

I hope things get better for you. I know how fast and severely sexual frustration can tear a relationship apart. I hope your husband is still loving in other ways, like hugs and intimate conversations, but I have a feeling that probably isn't the case. When my husband withdraws sexually, he withdraws from me completely, but at least I know that it is caused by his depression and it's time to start therapy again or switch to a different medication. I really wish you the best, and hope things get better. Best of luck to you.
09/18/2008
FairyTail FairyTail
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I am 39 years old, female, 5'6", 120lbs. I have been married for 5years and together with my husband for 10 years. I need a opinion from anyone. I for the life of me cannot get my husbands sexual drive up. Ok I cannot get him to even ... More
I think that it is agreed that the problem is not with you zilch nada! I was in the same situation with my former girlfriend and even though sex isn't all a relationship is based on, I had to leave. My new partner and I share wonderful sex because everything else in our relationship is great! I thought that it was me too but now I know it was the relationship that I was in.
09/18/2008
zilch nada zilch nada
Quote:
Originally posted by Bulma
I've ran into the "deaf husband syndrome" in my life, and it is very frustrating. Granted, there are some people who actually do not want sex at all, but if he was always that way I doubt you would be wondering what's going on now. ... More
I agree writing a letter would be a great idea, but...... how long does that last? Would he be having sex with me because now he feels obligated or because he wants too? I just really want to feel loved in the intimate way. I want him to look at me the way he used too.
09/18/2008
Beautiful Dreamer Beautiful Dreamer
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I agree writing a letter would be a great idea, but...... how long does that last? Would he be having sex with me because now he feels obligated or because he wants too? I just really want to feel loved in the intimate way. I want him to look at ... More
I think sometimes reminding him what he was missing (having sex again) can spark the relationship back up. I applaud you for being so caring and trying to find a solution for this, while respecting both yourself and your husband's feelings. I wish you the best and hope things head for the better.
09/18/2008
Dragon Dragon
Is it only me that can't click on an icon and go to the reviewer? What's up with that?
09/18/2008
Bulma Bulma
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Is it only me that can't click on an icon and go to the reviewer? What's up with that?
It is possible to have an account without being a reviewer, and thus not having a profile page. This allows people to be able to comment and have a wish list and such, but not have chosen not to become a reviewer (yet). There are many people who actually do not have a profile page, some of the staff for example, and many people who ask questions in the forums. Hope that cleared things up some
09/19/2008
Bulma Bulma
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I agree writing a letter would be a great idea, but...... how long does that last? Would he be having sex with me because now he feels obligated or because he wants too? I just really want to feel loved in the intimate way. I want him to look at ... More
Well, there is nothing that is going to magically cure and repair everything. I suggested a letter to open the gates of communication, of course it wouldn't fix everything, as it's just a starting point.

Reminiscing about good times is a very powerful tool when it comes to healing within a relationship, and often brings up forgotten feelings of tenderness, love, and passion. Granted, it may not be this way for everyone, but I've read it and been advised in that path in my own life, and it worked for me and my husband.

Something that my hubby and I did that greatly helped us was to read through the Relationship Rescue book by Dr. Phil. I know some people love him, and others hate him, but all that aside, his book really helped us. It is something that a couple can do together, OR one person can do it alone then incorporate the partner into later. I know some people really hate the idea of "self-help" books, but wanted to give as many ideas as I could.

Does your husband know that the lack of sexual desire is hurtful to you? No assumptions, has he verbally acknowledged it to you? He probably knows you are upset, but does he know to what extent? Have you expressed your desire for him? Not as a come on, but as a verbal statement like "I think you are so attractive, and I wish we had sex more."

Another suggestion may be to ask a friend to talk to him. Just asking a close male friend of his to check up on him and ask him if everything is okay with him. Maybe there is something going on that he can't talk to you about and would feel more comfortable talking with a friend instead. Sometimes it helps to get the opinion of someone outside the situation, and he could get feedback from a male friend. If he isn't willing to see a doctor, then I highly doubt he would agree to go see a marriage counselor. A friend that he trusts would be a better option for him to talk to, so long as you are careful not to intercede into that discussion between them.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to have sex? Does he masturbate at all, or is there no libido period? Can he get an erection even? If so, does it come easily, or does he really have to work for it? How does he react when you take the initiative with him? Does he push you away if you touch him sexually?

If you can't get him to talk or open up at all, it might be worth looking up some talk therapy to help deal with frustration and to get additional ideas. A sex therapist would be a great idea also. You could go a few times, then tell your husband that the therapist needs to have a session with both of you. Perhaps then the therapist could get him to open up, as long as he was going to support you and not with the idea that there is something wrong with him.

Whatever happens, remember that this is not unique to just your relationship. Sexual frustration within a marriage is actually quite common, although you have shown a fortitude and love that goes above and beyond. I hope some of my suggestions may be helpful to you.
09/19/2008
zilch nada zilch nada
Quote:
Originally posted by Bulma
Well, there is nothing that is going to magically cure and repair everything. I suggested a letter to open the gates of communication, of course it wouldn't fix everything, as it's just a starting point.Reminiscing about good times is a very ... More
I will definitely check into that book. My husband is a loner. We have male employees but no close relationship with them. He has a strange relationship with people in general. For the last 10 years I have meet his mother maybe a dozen times and they live about an hour away. They dont communicate at all!!!
I always tell him how attracted I am to him and that I love they way he makes me feel when we are intimate. And that without the intimacy I just feel like a business partner and roommate. He is not a very open person. He will hear what I have to say but its like it goes in one ear and out the other.
I have tried to explain how I feel and I just get so many excuses. Today for instance he asked what I wanted for dinner so I told him a steak and crab legs. (we are texting) than I text him again and said sex too. His comment was ya ok. I mean how do I take that?
Friends keep telling me that it is not me at all. But I really need to know what is going on so I dont look at myself in the mirror everyday wondering what is so wrong with me? I know I need to gain weight and I really try, but I have a Thyroid disorder and its really hard. But even when I do it changes nothing. I try to dress differently and I get no response.
He has mentioned before that he is uncomfortable with himself and his weight. Well he lost that weight so that was just another excuse. Than its the kids are around. But nothing changes when they are gone. He has every opportunity when him and I go camping or go out of town. It just seems like he makes a excuse everytime. I just need honesty.
09/19/2008
Jimbo Jones Jimbo Jones
Quote:
Originally posted by Bulma
Well, there is nothing that is going to magically cure and repair everything. I suggested a letter to open the gates of communication, of course it wouldn't fix everything, as it's just a starting point.Reminiscing about good times is a very ... More
Wow! Dr. Bulma, Sex Therapist is in the House!
09/19/2008
Sleeping Dreamer Sleeping Dreamer
Do you two have kids? Have tried extensively to have children? Or talk about having them often?

Has he lost interest not only in sex but in other activities? Does he go out alone often or leave the house without you? Does he go off into other rooms of the house seeking privacy?

You may have to push him. It sounds like he's been unresponsive to all your advances. Make an appointment for yourself to go see a sex therapist or a marriage counselor. Tell him you're going and ask him that you'd like him to come. You don't have to give him an ultimatum for going with you but just telling him you're going and that you'd like to see him there putting in the same effort, is the right step in the right direction for you. A marriage is 50% for both partners. As much as you give you should receive. It sounds like you've been giving more than your fair share and from what it sounds like you're pretty well exhausted. You need to do yourself a favor, you can lead a horse to water but if he won't drink it's no fault of yours. You've tried hard from what it sounds like, however, if you keep pushing him and pushing him he may withdraw entirely.

Make him see less of you, be gone more often, leave him alone on nights where it was usually just the two of you. Maybe even being out of the house will help you enjoy your days even if he isn't in them.

We can only give you advice, we can't fully fix this rift that has come between you two. But what we can do is promote change and encourage communication between you and your spouse, the rest is up to you.
09/19/2008
zilch nada zilch nada
Quote:
Originally posted by Sleeping Dreamer
Do you two have kids? Have tried extensively to have children? Or talk about having them often?Has he lost interest not only in sex but in other activities? Does he go out alone often or leave the house without you? Does he go off into other rooms of ... More
I have children from a previous marriage. They are 17 and 15. We have none together, never really wanted anymore.
09/19/2008
Bulma Bulma
If he generally has such an extreme tendency toward seclusion, there is a good chance he may have some deeply rooted problems from his past, particularly his childhood. The part about him saying he was uncomfortable about himself, could be a sign that there are some very intense feelings of worthlessness. I'm not saying that it is definite, but it sounds to me like he may be suffering from depression from the things you have said about him. Men in particular are quite reluctant to acknowledge feelings of depression because they may see it as a weakness or as diminishing their worth as a man. Not having any close friends, having no sex drive, seeking seclusion even from family, avoiding topics that may be uncomfortable, staying indoors nearly all of the time, not showing any enthusiasm, and a general "blue" mood can be huge red flags that depression may be present. I suffered from some pretty intense depression as a teen, and still deal with moderate chronic depression now, although I have it well under control. I've watched my husband battle depression ever since I've known him, although it became crippling once our first child was born and I almost died during the cesarean. Depression can be something as mild as feeling kind of down, to being so intense that the person no longer cares about anything and is numb on the inside. It may be worth it to do some research on the subject and see if your husband has very many of the symptoms, as some are obvious but many of them are not.

When my husband was going through the most intense part of his depression, it was like he had died and was just a lifeless shell. He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to talk about anything. He almost never smiled or laughed, and had zero interest in sex. He immersed himself in video games as a way to escape from his life, although there are many forms of self medication. During that period there was absolutely nothing I could do to interest him in anything, and like your husband, his sex drive completely died. Things only changed when I talked to him about his mood. I had been through depression and knew the signs of it and how hard it could be. I had a book that had been referred to me by a previous counselor called "How to Heal Depression" link
It isn't so much as to "heal" depression, but it is a very good look at what depression really is and helps to break down some of the fear involved and the negative stigmas that surround it. My husband had the belief that there was nothing wrong with him, he just had a crappy life. I loaned him the book and after reading a couple pages in it, confessed that he couldn't hide that he had a problem anymore. He had nearly every symptom, and finally realizing what was wrong, he had a place to start to make it better.

I don't know if this is what is going on with your husband, but if it is then you need to be careful how you act towards him. Just leaving him alone could push him further into the spiral effect, and depending on how bad it is, it may have horrible results. He could see it as you abandoning him, even if that's not the factual case. I would really suggest not trying to play any mind games with him, especially if it is a possibility that he may have a chemical imbalance that is causing this. Depressed people aren't crazy, but they are hyper sensitive even if they don't show it. If he is depressed, then there is nothing you would be able to do to make him want to be sexually intimate with you. If he really had no problems, he wouldn't fight going to a doctor because there wouldn't be anything to be afraid of learning. Check out this website link just to see if your husband possibly has depression. It would be better to be able to eliminate it as a possibility for sure, than to just assume and risk this going on any longer. There are some good resources online about the subject, and I would encourage you to check it out. At least if he is suffering from some form of depression, you could eliminate the possibility that it has something to do with you. You would know for sure then, that it's not about you at all and this is something that came from within him. Depression is a real medical problem that can be treated very quickly if treatment is started right away. At least check it out, so you can be sure.
09/20/2008
Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
You know what, short and sweet. We don't know what's going on with him. You need to talk to your husband, not try to speculate with us.
09/22/2008
Bulma Bulma
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
You know what, short and sweet. We don't know what's going on with him. You need to talk to your husband, not try to speculate with us.
In a couple of her posts, zilch nada said that he is unresponsive and talking with him gets nowhere. Depending on what is going on with him, talking may not do any good, no matter what is said or how many times it is said. It doesn't hurt to come ask for advice, isn't that what the forums are for?
09/22/2008
zilch nada zilch nada
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
You know what, short and sweet. We don't know what's going on with him. You need to talk to your husband, not try to speculate with us.
You know I am sorry I thought this was a place to get advice!!! Didnt mean to intrude on your time.
09/22/2008
Bulma Bulma
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
You know I am sorry I thought this was a place to get advice!!! Didnt mean to intrude on your time.
Please don't worry about it. Your questions are welcome here, and many of us are happy to help anyway we can. The forums are exactly intended for people to get advice and talk. I apologize for Adriana Ravenlust's comment, as it does not reflect the feelings of the community as far as I am aware. Many of us are happy to help if we can. You can also send a message to anyone on the site, if that would be more comfortable for you.
09/22/2008
ezloans4u ezloans4u
Quote:
Originally posted by zilch nada
I am 39 years old, female, 5'6", 120lbs. I have been married for 5years and together with my husband for 10 years. I need a opinion from anyone. I for the life of me cannot get my husbands sexual drive up. Ok I cannot get him to even ... More
I am a 55 yr old male, still able to get it up, not quite as good as i once upon a time could, but it still works. i was having a conversation with a friend of mine and he mentioned that 2 people that we both knew, had gone to the dr and had their testostorone checked, and it was low, so they go and get a shot once every 3 weeks and he said it made a big difference in the way they feel, so when i went to the dr the other day i had them check my testostorone level and mine was way low, i go back for my 3rd shot on the 21 and after the first one i didnt really tell much, but after the second one, i started feeling a lot better more energy and i have noticed getting a hardon some days for no reason, and it has helped with sex also. so go and get checked, the dr said it is happening to men of all ages and they have no idea why, so i will spend my 20 bucks every 3 weeks for the shot and i hate needles. it makes a difference, chek it out.
12/17/2010
Bme Bme
You may want to have his testosterone levels checked. If it is too low he won't be interested. A friend found he had low testosterone after getting married and not being able to keep up with his wife. With testosterone shots now he has no problems.
10/18/2013
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