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I agree writing a letter would be a great idea, but...... how long does that last? Would he be having sex with me because now he feels obligated or because he wants too? I just really want to feel loved in the intimate way. I want him to look at
I agree writing a letter would be a great idea, but...... how long does that last? Would he be having sex with me because now he feels obligated or because he wants too? I just really want to feel loved in the intimate way. I want him to look at me the way he used too.
Well, there is nothing that is going to magically cure and repair everything. I suggested a letter to open the gates of communication, of course it wouldn't fix everything, as it's just a starting point.
Reminiscing about good times is a very powerful tool when it comes to healing within a relationship, and often brings up forgotten feelings of tenderness, love, and passion. Granted, it may not be this way for everyone, but I've read it and been advised in that path in my own life, and it worked for me and my husband.
Something that my hubby and I did that greatly helped us was to read through the Relationship Rescue book by Dr. Phil. I know some people love him, and others hate him, but all that aside, his book really helped us. It is something that a couple can do together, OR one person can do it alone then incorporate the partner into later. I know some people really hate the idea of "self-help" books, but wanted to give as many ideas as I could.
Does your husband know that the lack of sexual desire is hurtful to you? No assumptions, has he verbally acknowledged it to you? He probably knows you are upset, but does he know to what extent? Have you expressed your desire for him? Not as a come on, but as a verbal statement like "I think you are so attractive, and I wish we had sex more."
Another suggestion may be to ask a friend to talk to him. Just asking a close male friend of his to check up on him and ask him if everything is okay with him. Maybe there is something going on that he can't talk to you about and would feel more comfortable talking with a friend instead. Sometimes it helps to get the opinion of someone outside the situation, and he could get feedback from a male friend. If he isn't willing to see a doctor, then I highly doubt he would agree to go see a marriage counselor. A friend that he trusts would be a better option for him to talk to, so long as you are careful not to intercede into that discussion between them.
Have you asked him why he doesn't want to have sex? Does he masturbate at all, or is there no libido period? Can he get an erection even? If so, does it come easily, or does he really have to work for it? How does he react when you take the initiative with him? Does he push you away if you touch him sexually?
If you can't get him to talk or open up at all, it might be worth looking up some talk therapy to help deal with frustration and to get additional ideas. A sex therapist would be a great idea also. You could go a few times, then tell your husband that the therapist needs to have a session with both of you. Perhaps then the therapist could get him to open up, as long as he was going to support you and not with the idea that there is something wrong with him.
Whatever happens, remember that this is not unique to just your relationship. Sexual frustration within a marriage is actually quite common, although you have shown a fortitude and love that goes above and beyond. I hope some of my suggestions may be helpful to you.