Need advice

Wow, it really seems like you have worked on this with him a lot. If he won't go see a doctor, have you talked to him about couple's counseling? He will probably say there isn't a problem unless you let him know there is a problem. You are really going to need to let him know how important this is to you and that you need fulfillment from him. Was there a time when the two of you were more sexually active, or has it always been like this? I really think you need to talk to him and let him know how much your relationship is missing if there is not sexual relationship.

I've ran into the "deaf husband syndrome" in my life, and it is very frustrating. Granted, there are some people who actually do not want sex at all, but if he was always that way I doubt you would be wondering what's going on now. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband does, but I don't know what I'd do if he only wanted sex a handful of times during a year.

When I try to talk to my husband and he doesn't listen or keeps changing the subject, I resort to letters. I lay out my concerns and feelings, and what I think needs to happen for the situation to get resolved, adding that I ask him what he thinks would be best and that I need him to communicate with me. I then leave the letter someplace he is sure to find it (taped to the TV or fridge for my hubby) and then leave the house for a couple hours so he has a chance to read it while I'm not there. This has always worked to open the gates of communication between us, so it might be worth a shot with your husband. I find that my hubby doesn't remember past memories as often as I do, so it helps if I remind him. Something like "do you remember when we first got together, that night we stayed up, just you and me loving each other. Wasn't that great?" If I remind my husband of how happy we used to be and how great the sex was a couple years ago, it gets him to thinking about it and he opens up more about it.

I hope things get better for you. I know how fast and severely sexual frustration can tear a relationship apart. I hope your husband is still loving in other ways, like hugs and intimate conversations, but I have a feeling that probably isn't the case. When my husband withdraws sexually, he withdraws from me completely, but at least I know that it is caused by his depression and it's time to start therapy again or switch to a different medication. I really wish you the best, and hope things get better. Best of luck to you.

Is it only me that can't click on an icon and go to the reviewer? What's up with that?

Do you two have kids? Have tried extensively to have children? Or talk about having them often?

Has he lost interest not only in sex but in other activities? Does he go out alone often or leave the house without you? Does he go off into other rooms of the house seeking privacy?

You may have to push him. It sounds like he's been unresponsive to all your advances. Make an appointment for yourself to go see a sex therapist or a marriage counselor. Tell him you're going and ask him that you'd like him to come. You don't have to give him an ultimatum for going with you but just telling him you're going and that you'd like to see him there putting in the same effort, is the right step in the right direction for you. A marriage is 50% for both partners. As much as you give you should receive. It sounds like you've been giving more than your fair share and from what it sounds like you're pretty well exhausted. You need to do yourself a favor, you can lead a horse to water but if he won't drink it's no fault of yours. You've tried hard from what it sounds like, however, if you keep pushing him and pushing him he may withdraw entirely.

Make him see less of you, be gone more often, leave him alone on nights where it was usually just the two of you. Maybe even being out of the house will help you enjoy your days even if he isn't in them.

We can only give you advice, we can't fully fix this rift that has come between you two. But what we can do is promote change and encourage communication between you and your spouse, the rest is up to you.

If he generally has such an extreme tendency toward seclusion, there is a good chance he may have some deeply rooted problems from his past, particularly his childhood. The part about him saying he was uncomfortable about himself, could be a sign that there are some very intense feelings of worthlessness. I'm not saying that it is definite, but it sounds to me like he may be suffering from depression from the things you have said about him. Men in particular are quite reluctant to acknowledge feelings of depression because they may see it as a weakness or as diminishing their worth as a man. Not having any close friends, having no sex drive, seeking seclusion even from family, avoiding topics that may be uncomfortable, staying indoors nearly all of the time, not showing any enthusiasm, and a general "blue" mood can be huge red flags that depression may be present. I suffered from some pretty intense depression as a teen, and still deal with moderate chronic depression now, although I have it well under control. I've watched my husband battle depression ever since I've known him, although it became crippling once our first child was born and I almost died during the cesarean. Depression can be something as mild as feeling kind of down, to being so intense that the person no longer cares about anything and is numb on the inside. It may be worth it to do some research on the subject and see if your husband has very many of the symptoms, as some are obvious but many of them are not.

When my husband was going through the most intense part of his depression, it was like he had died and was just a lifeless shell. He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to talk about anything. He almost never smiled or laughed, and had zero interest in sex. He immersed himself in video games as a way to escape from his life, although there are many forms of self medication. During that period there was absolutely nothing I could do to interest him in anything, and like your husband, his sex drive completely died. Things only changed when I talked to him about his mood. I had been through depression and knew the signs of it and how hard it could be. I had a book that had been referred to me by a previous counselor called "How to Heal Depression" link
It isn't so much as to "heal" depression, but it is a very good look at what depression really is and helps to break down some of the fear involved and the negative stigmas that surround it. My husband had the belief that there was nothing wrong with him, he just had a crappy life. I loaned him the book and after reading a couple pages in it, confessed that he couldn't hide that he had a problem anymore. He had nearly every symptom, and finally realizing what was wrong, he had a place to start to make it better.

I don't know if this is what is going on with your husband, but if it is then you need to be careful how you act towards him. Just leaving him alone could push him further into the spiral effect, and depending on how bad it is, it may have horrible results. He could see it as you abandoning him, even if that's not the factual case. I would really suggest not trying to play any mind games with him, especially if it is a possibility that he may have a chemical imbalance that is causing this. Depressed people aren't crazy, but they are hyper sensitive even if they don't show it. If he is depressed, then there is nothing you would be able to do to make him want to be sexually intimate with you. If he really had no problems, he wouldn't fight going to a doctor because there wouldn't be anything to be afraid of learning. Check out this website link just to see if your husband possibly has depression. It would be better to be able to eliminate it as a possibility for sure, than to just assume and risk this going on any longer. There are some good resources online about the subject, and I would encourage you to check it out. At least if he is suffering from some form of depression, you could eliminate the possibility that it has something to do with you. You would know for sure then, that it's not about you at all and this is something that came from within him. Depression is a real medical problem that can be treated very quickly if treatment is started right away. At least check it out, so you can be sure.

You know what, short and sweet. We don't know what's going on with him. You need to talk to your husband, not try to speculate with us.

You may want to have his testosterone levels checked. If it is too low he won't be interested. A friend found he had low testosterone after getting married and not being able to keep up with his wife. With testosterone shots now he has no problems.