A Beginners Guide to Open Relationships

I know we have lots of folks around here who are in open/poly type relationships. What do you think of this article? Does it hit all the basics? Leave anything out? Would you recommend it to those interested in poly? Or those who turn their noses up, as a learning tool?

How about you monogamous folks? How did the article make you feel? Did it make sense? Help you understand the mindset of those who may prefer an open relationship? Is there anything else you'd like to know or that you don't understand? less

I have pretty negative feelings about poly relationships. This stems from my personal experience and observations of people I've known. Intellectually, I'm all for it and I know there are plenty of people out there who make it work and it's all fine and dandy.

I've come across more than one couple in a D/s relationship where the dominant male chooses to bring a 2nd person into their lives regardless of the wishes of the submissive female and without taking her state of mind and ability to cope into consideration. Of course, I understand the parameters of such a relationship allow for this, however I strongly feel a dominant with that kind of power in a relationship also has a responsibility to first understand if his or her submissive can cope and behave in a way that will preserve her mental health. Instead, I've seen dominant men act out of selfishness and stubbornness with the desire for what they want coming before what is in the best interest of everyone involved.

Of course, this is just one narrowly defined situation involving D/s and does not apply to all forms of poly and open relationships. I hope nobody takes these comments as a generalization that poly = bad. Just that idiots+poly=bad. lol

I think this particular article does well to bring up some issues people need to consider carefully before jumping into the deep end. I can say from personal experience that being "intellectually" accepting of the concept often does not coincide with being able to live with your emotional reactions to the reality of living with an open relationship. less

I also do have reservations regarding a D/s poly situation, it can work but in that situation you really have to put people and their feelings first rather than a D/s situation. We are a triad there is a submissive, a dominant and I the switch, it works for us becuase we have a rule "people before kink" and we have firm boundaries in place. It works for us because we can communicate well but it's not to say it will work for all. less

A "switch" or "switch hitter" is a person who enjoys being dominant and submissive. Depending on the person I am with I am a switch myself, though I find submission to be much more challenging. Some people who practice D/s feel that to be truly a dominant person one must experience submission to better be able to understand and serve a submissive partner...and then again some disagree vehemently with this notion.

Sort of like saying you can't be poly if you like no-strings attached sex. less

I have been with my husband for 23 years (4 dating and 19 married) and I cannot even begin to imagine life without him. My attachment to him is so deep that my other life partner wouldn't even discuss my leaving my husband to be with him. He is my other half in so many ways that we almost seem to blend seamlessly on certain issues...the greatest of which being our commitment to our children. Sex with my husband is deep, intimate, emotionally and physically satisfying, and a reaffirmation of our deep abiding love. Our home is actually very tranquil and our neighbors sometimes complain that they can't hear the jokes that we are laughing about! We are complete as a couple, a team and our life works.

Personally, I did not form a deeper connection with my husband over our children and he was, and is, the one who has such a bone deep connection with me that he cannot see himself as a single man. While he was having his one night stands and other various affairs (he's much more of a swinger than I am) his one thought was to come home and share with me everything...the fact that the whole "good girls don't" stereotype kept me bound to a set of rules that choked the life out of me broke his heart.

We are also very independant people and while we love to blend and mesh at some points we also love to connect with others. I have always been more than willing to commit emotional infidelity. This is acceptable for women, find some people (or just one) and share a deep, intimate, but never, never sexual relationship with them and all is fine! In reality it damages your committed relationship more than actual sexual infidelity.
For us this was the only way we could connect on that last frontier, I love and share a deep emotional connection with both my legal husband and my other life partner. Loving Arch did not diminish my 19 year love affair with Sigel, in a very deep and wonderful way it broadened and deepened it. Sigel's having other women does not diminish his love for me, it makes our relationship special and amazing for him. He can admire and even pursue a beautiful woman and I am there enthusiatically loving that spark of new relationship energy. It's not an easy life but it does have it's own rewards.

As far as is it easier with or without children...we are completely open and honest with everyone in our lives. We do not share with our children the private aspects of our sex lives, nor will we ever welcome their comments or questions. If they are curious about our open marriage we will and have explained that there are many ways of loving in this big old world and they are welcome to explore them all in a safe, sane and consensual way. They know I sleep the night with Arch, they do not know what we do behind closed doors, nor will they ever be welcome into that sanctuary. It's simply none of thier business. That is our philosophy, we are open to questions but not to things no parent should want their kids to know about sex. Our girls are 12 and 10 and Sigel and I have never hid or used motels to conceal our sexual choices...neither have we swung from the chandeliers and had swing parties in our livingroom. We are openly discreet. I don't openly grope my husband in front of my kids so I can't ever see a time where I would do that with a lover. A kiss in greeting maybe a hug or hand holding is all they have ever seen. We are a touchy feely family anyhow.
We are expecting a baby in Dec. and my girls are well aware of where babies come from and that this is their half-sibling. Most of their friends have half brothers and sisters though they usually are the result of divorce.

Basically, the fact that my husband and I are not monogamous doesn't mean we are not willing or able to commit on a deep level, or that we are looking for something "missing". It doesn't mean we are unwilling to work out our problems or that we have poor communication skills. We are not seeking new lovers everynight and exposing our children to ridicule and public scrutiny. We practice safer sex with our other partners and we are very careful what sorts of people we allow around our children. We do not embarass our children with our wild sexual habits nor are we influencing them to be promiscuous. We are accepted by our community because we are so dang normal, we are almost boring! That inspite of the fact that we are homeschoolers, pagan, open about our open marriage, and open about my being a reviewer for EF!

Hope this answers some questions and concerns!
~Airen less