Controlling vs. Uncomfortable

miamortis miamortis
My husband and i are in a poly group of 8 people. His girlfriend and him have been together for 3 months and my boyfriend and i have been in a relationship for 18 months. i ask my husband to tell me whats going on in his relationship. for example, how he feels about her, hows its progressing etc. I do this because i feel this way i will never be hit by an emotional brick in the face. there were times in the past when i was emotional hurt because he would tell me hes in love with someone, and i would be like "omg when did this happen?" and then he would say it was weeks or months ago. and then im left feeling like wow i dont know my own husband. my solution to that was to ask him frequently how things were going. when i do he ask why i am being so nosey and controlling. ?!?! i tell him i just dont want to become uncomfortable. does anyone have any advice on this? am i approaching it negatively? is there a better way to do this?
04/04/2011
  • Buy 1 Fetish Or Glass Toy Get 1 FREE
  • Limited offer: Save 25% on Blush Toys
  • Better Price - Save 40%
  • Better Price Sale - Save 50%
  • Better Price Sale - Save 60%
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Ansley Ansley
Ok, I'm extremely confused after reading all of your posts.

I've gleaned thus so far:

- There are 8 people in your 'group'.
- Four of those people are married couples
- Two of those people are single males
- Then there is your husband and yourself
- You and your husband were dating the same girl but he wanted to dump her and you wanted to continue seeing her, so you don't know what to do there
- Your husband has a girlfriend of three months
- You have a boyfriend of 18 months
- You all fight a lot, so much so it takes a group meeting to settle it and it's become burdensome
- Your husband doesn't reveal his feelings the second he feels them and has called you nosey and controlling

Going off of this information alone, my suggestion would be to scale back the herd and get back down to the basics. It seems the communication level is not at all what it should be and poly anything does not work without 100% honest and open communication.
04/04/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Ok, I'm extremely confused after reading all of your posts.



I've gleaned thus so far:



- There are 8 people in your 'group'.

- Four of those people are married couples

- Two of those people ... More
I have to agree! We have found that the best way to keep things stable and working is to add others very slowly and carefully. I have the same sort of problem with Sigel, in that he wants to wait to tell me what's going on in his relationships, aside from me, in his own time. I have been with him since we were both 15 so I can tell when he's feeling all mushy and in lurve so it's a bit easier to feel that compersion while waiting for him to spill!
My relationships are a completely open book for both my guys, each partner knows I will discuss anything and everything with the other partners if asked. They are free to discuss anything with me but I do give them time to process what they are feeling and always remain available if they have concerns or need advice.
If your partner feels you are being too intrusive then you probably are! Sounds to me like youa re still feeling a bit unsure or not as confident as you should be that he LOVES you and isn't planning on leaving. You could try this: Next time he says he loves someone; give him a giant, enthusiastic hug. Tell him you are happy for him and then BE happy for him. Let your insecurities take a backseat and after a time they won't seem so huge and unbearable.
04/04/2011
miamortis miamortis
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Ok, I'm extremely confused after reading all of your posts.



I've gleaned thus so far:



- There are 8 people in your 'group'.

- Four of those people are married couples

- Two of those people ... More
the girlfriend that my husband and i dated was a while back, its still on my mind though.
04/05/2011
miamortis miamortis
and i would "scale back the herd" except, im only with two of these people. so i dont have much of a say on who everyone else is seeing. we dont fight "a lot" but when we actually do it can be big. its only happened twice but it was enough to make me want to seek advice.



also my husband doesnt tell me he loves someone. if he did my first response would indeed be to hug him. its just when we are all together and he tells her he loves her. im like "how come i didnt know we were that far along in the relationship"?



well because no one tells me and calls me nosey when i ask O_O



also, not that it matters but theres 3 married couples if you include my husband and i, plus the 2 other people.



the main point is i cant stand being called controlling when im just trying to keep myself informed. i dont feel insecure in my relationship with my husband. i feel insecure with my friendship with him.
04/05/2011
wetone123 wetone123
Quote:
Originally posted by miamortis
the girlfriend that my husband and i dated was a while back, its still on my mind though.
You miss her?
04/05/2011
Rockin' Rockin'
I respectfully disagree with the advice provided by other contributors so far. From what I have read, the issue here is a difference in expectations, and not an issue of the number of people involved, insecurities, or self-confidence.

It seems to me that you don't like it when information like "I'm in love with XYZ" is sprung on you. In a previous post, you said, "I cant stand being called controlling when im just trying to keep myself informed."

I support your right to feel informed. You have expectations about how and when you and your partners should keep each other updated. It seems like your husband doesn't expect to have to tell you ABC happened, but you'd like it if you knew about ABC before you heard about XYZ. I recommend having a frank discussion about what expectations you have as far as communication is concerned. It's okay to want to know details, and it's okay to ask your partner *not* to tell you the details. But everyone should be on the same page about who needs to tell what to whom, and that doesn't seem like it's happened yet.

Then, once you have set some rules about what updates to give each other, you both will have a clearer idea about what's going on as far as updates are concerned. Your husband might say he doesn't want to tell you certain things, and that's a challenge you two will need to work out. Discuss why you want to know certain things, so he has an idea of where you're coming from. I think if you said "I feel insecure in my friendship with you," that would mean a lot. It would mean a lot if someone said that to me. And it would come across very differently than if someone said they just wanted to know what I was doing/thinking all the time.

I hope that helps
04/05/2011
gumbyD gumbyD
Quote:
Originally posted by miamortis
My husband and i are in a poly group of 8 people. His girlfriend and him have been together for 3 months and my boyfriend and i have been in a relationship for 18 months. i ask my husband to tell me whats going on in his relationship. for example, ... More
Being seriously open on both your parts is a good rule of thumb.
04/21/2011
Total posts: 8
Unique posters: 6