Coping with jealousy long-distance

Kirsten A Kirsten A
Hi all. I am in a long-distance relationship with a married couple. I have been with my girlfriend for over two years and my boyfriend for a year and a half. They live very far away and we visit each other 5-6 times a year.

Early in my relationship with my boyfriend, he had someone else who was interested in him, who he had previously had a semi-casual relationship with. While I was in NRE, the thought of this was really difficult for me, and I asked him if we could not see other people. He seemed relieved that I was asking for this, and that he was in a similar space in the midst of NRE.

This arrangement has been difficult for me, because I basically go months without sex. But it would have been harder to cope with him seeing other people, so I dealt with it. (With my girlfriend, my jealousy hasn't kicked into gear, I think because she hasn't had prospects, or the desire to see anyone else.)

I still don't think I would handle it well if he saw other people. When I hear he is going to do something with his prior partner, I get anxious about him asking for permission to see her. The things that I need to cope with jealousy are not present when we are far apart. He is more emotionally distant when we're apart, and I have a pretty high need for emotional intimacy, so this is already hard for me to cope with. I'm not really getting my needs met there, but I think I can hang in there until I finish school and can move. I also think I need cuddles to reassure me when I'm coping with jealousy.

I have been going along, figuring that he was still sensitive about me being with other people. Apparently not. The possibility of me being with someone came up (my girlfriend was reading more into a situation than was actually there), and he said he wasn't concerned about that possibility. And that we could discuss it when I come to visit next week. He communicates better in person, and hard conversations especially are better done in person.

I would definitely like to have a local partner, but I don't think I could handle him being with someone else. I feel ridiculous asking to see other people unless I grant them both the same. The only thing that has changed is that option is now back on the table, and my own jealousy is the barrier between me and getting my sexual needs met.

I don't think there are any easy answers to this, but kind of wanted to vent, and see if anyone has any thoughts.
05/17/2013
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Kirsten A
Hi all. I am in a long-distance relationship with a married couple. I have been with my girlfriend for over two years and my boyfriend for a year and a half. They live very far away and we visit each other 5-6 times a year.

Early in my ... More
What are you so afraid of? Are you truly afraid that if he sees someone else romantically that he will suddenly be less interested in you? Do you believe that would be the case for you if you started to see someone else locally?
If these are your concerns then let them go! Love doesn't change it's mind just because someone else comes along. You are irreplaceable, there is NO ONE like you. You will always give things to his life that no other person can give. RELAX!

Now if it's the idea that he will have less time to spend with you then that is more of an issue and a real concern. It can be worked out, though.
Talk to him when you see him next, preferrably with your girlfriend there. I bet you will get all the cuddles you need and your fears will be addressed.

I do believe that when a new person is brought into a relationship with the intention of building a partnership there should be a period of no new loves but some people handle the friction caused by NRE much better than I do. I know it was valuable for my relationship with Arch but has since mellowed into some serious compersion. So rest assured it CAN happen!
05/17/2013
Total posts: 2
Unique posters: 2