Do you recruit?

Roz W Roz W
Would you consider trying to convince a partner who was unfamiliar with poly relationships (or even hostile to them) to be in an open or poly relationship?

I tend to seek out people who are already poly, and I personally don't feel like I can "convert" anyone. But I've known some other people to do differently.
03/02/2012
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underHim underHim
I am in a very very very monogomous relationship and everyone that knows me knows that so if anyone seriously asked me to do something of the sort, I would be a little offended but try to brush it off. If they kept asking though I would probably be really pissed.
03/02/2012
TheCleansing TheCleansing
Never tried. The girl is very touchy about that and that's okay.
03/02/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Roz W
Would you consider trying to convince a partner who was unfamiliar with poly relationships (or even hostile to them) to be in an open or poly relationship?

I tend to seek out people who are already poly, and I personally don't feel like I ... More
The title of this post is actually very offensive! Mostly because of people who DO actively try to convince people that being happily monogamous is somehow evolutionarily or morally wrong.
This smacks of predatory behavior and is rarely, if ever successful. I know there are unbalanced or deluded people out there who think they can "convince" others to leave behind lovestyles that they believe are not healthy or right but this practice won't have lasting results unless the person was actually choosing to remain monogamous because of the belief that polyamory is wrong. Even then there can be a period of intense grief, fear and emotional pain that is horrible to watch. If I love someone I don't want to put them through hell even if they might be happy afterwards.
It reminds me of people who will go into a field and try to round up the most resistant horse in the field when the others are crowding around begging for attention!
Personally, I live my life openly poly and if like minded people happen to notice then we have a great conversation which may or may not lead to something more. It seems like a waste of time to try to convince someone who isn't poly minded when there are many many others who are already looking for this type of relationship.
03/02/2012
Roz W Roz W
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
The title of this post is actually very offensive! Mostly because of people who DO actively try to convince people that being happily monogamous is somehow evolutionarily or morally wrong.
This smacks of predatory behavior and is rarely, if ever ... More
The title is offensive...because it refers to something that exists? Or because it refers to situations where some people behave offensively?

I agree with a lot of what you're saying, and when people don't respect each other's personal lives, that's a problem. I don't think asking the question is offensive.

I guess "recruit" could qualify as oppressive language (it references stereotypes about sexual "deviants"), and if that's what you're talking about, I apologize. It was intended to be tongue-in-cheek.
03/03/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Roz W
The title is offensive...because it refers to something that exists? Or because it refers to situations where some people behave offensively?

I agree with a lot of what you're saying, and when people don't respect each other's ... More
I found it offensive because it is an accusation that is leveled at poly folk who live openly by people who are afraid of anything that challenges what they believe to be right and proper. I am not trying to recruit people or destroy monogamy by being happy in a polyamorous relationship. I do realize, however, that I am in the minority in my belief that both monogamy and polymory are perfectly natural lovestyles for humans.

Also it is very offensive to me when people DO attempt to recruit happily monogamous people to the poly lifestyle. I notice this happening more and more in the pagan community and in the LGBT community. So I wasn't just objecting to the language of the question but also to the idea behind it, if that makes sense. It is reverse discrimination to insist that monogamous people are jealous, insecure and childish. I have found happily monogamous people to be very secure, mature and willing to entertain any notion their partner may have up to sex with another partner. To make a choice with a partner to be monogamous rules out cheating...or at least it should! This is why I always remind people that the struggles we poly folk face are no different than the struggles mono folk face.

I am sorry I wasn't more clear about why I was responding...I never intended to imply that you were meaning to be offensive or oppressive. In an ass-backward way I was actually agreeing with you that the practice of trying to recruit a monogamous partner to polyamory rarely works and can actually be very damaging to them emotionally. You are totally correct that asking the question isn't offensive, if I had found it offensive I would have opened a private dialogue with you to see if I was being unreasonable or whether you were actually meaning something else entirely.

What I meant to say was the IDEA of 'recruiting' people to polyamory is offensive and I misspoke.
The question did catch me off guard but that is because of personal issues I have dealt with in my own life but I should have made it clear that I didn't find your post to be offensive. Thank you for being very gentle in your response when I know you might have felt a bit attacked by mine.
03/04/2012
badk1tty badk1tty
Quote:
Originally posted by Roz W
Would you consider trying to convince a partner who was unfamiliar with poly relationships (or even hostile to them) to be in an open or poly relationship?

I tend to seek out people who are already poly, and I personally don't feel like I ... More
Nope
04/22/2012
thisisadeletedaccount thisisadeletedaccount
My primary partner and I eased our way into polyamory as a very mutual process. We were both curious about it, it didn't feel like either of us was being forced. Our third had no prior experience with polyamory, but is extremely enthusiastic about it, and was at least already familiar with the concept. Plus she was the one who approached us and admitted her interest, not the other way round, so we can hardly be said to have recruited her.
05/24/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by thisisadeletedaccount
My primary partner and I eased our way into polyamory as a very mutual process. We were both curious about it, it didn't feel like either of us was being forced. Our third had no prior experience with polyamory, but is extremely enthusiastic ... More
Same here! People constantly act like I have wounded my husband by having another male partner but the reality is he's the one who invited the other guy to come meet us knowing full well that we would be pursuing a sexual relationship. It's been a hell of a ride (pun only slightly intended) and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
05/27/2012
thisisadeletedaccount thisisadeletedaccount
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Same here! People constantly act like I have wounded my husband by having another male partner but the reality is he's the one who invited the other guy to come meet us knowing full well that we would be pursuing a sexual relationship. It's ... More
Our third's mother is aware of our relationship now and seems worried - our impression is that she thinks "the guy" (actually, our MAAB bigender partner who is very femme-identified) is the one who wanted this triad to happen the most and that "he" (actually she prefers female pronouns) is the least likely to get hurt because men don't have the same kind of feelings blah blah misguided biological essentialism. I'm not sure how she would react if she knew that actually, HER DAUGHTER is the one who approached us, and that we are a pair of sweet, nerdy feminists who value communication highly and like her daughter as a PARTNER, not as some kind of emotionally expendable fucktoy.
06/12/2012
Total posts: 10
Unique posters: 6