Does jealousy exist?

Sylvan Sylvan
Sorry, this is a played out topic when it comes to polyamory, but as someone who's monogamous and has dreaded jealousy issues it's something I've never been able to fully wrap my head around and would appreciate some personal input.

Do you guys/gals ever feel jealousy when it comes to your partner(s) being intimate physically/emotionally with others?

Is being in a successful poly relationship contigent upon having NO jealousy?

Please, share your thoughts
02/24/2013
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Sylvan
Sorry, this is a played out topic when it comes to polyamory, but as someone who's monogamous and has dreaded jealousy issues it's something I've never been able to fully wrap my head around and would appreciate some personal ... More
Sometimes I think people spend way too much time avoiding their feelings and being afraid of what they "might" feel.

Being successful at polyamory is not at all contingent on not having or experiencing jealousy. We ALL feel jealousy because it's a human emotion. The difference seems to be the amount of time and energy poly folk devote to dealing with jealousy.

Just recently my life partner met and was interested in another woman. She is younger than I am and thinner, blonder, speaks polish like he does...the list goes on and on about our differences. Was I jealous? Yes, of course I was!
The difference between myself after quite a few years of being actively poly is I dealt with the jealousy by remembering that every night he came home to me...even if he was bubbling over with stories about her. He was telling them to ME! He was interacting with our son and daughters and was so happy and alive. Could I deny him this joy? He never denies me the joy of loving my other partner...in fact he has come to respect and love him as much as I do. Perhaps I could have such a warm relationship with another wonderful person chosen by my beloved. How wonderful would that be? Unfortunately it fell through but the experience was priceless even if he did get hurt.

I find that I still get jealous when my partner, Sigel, finds someone to play with but that has more to do with our shared past and the fact that I am still dealing with that past. Still, he comes home to me and he is SO much more attentive and happy when he is playing.

I have two amazing partners who make my evenings warm and our home peaceful. We have two incomes and a person to nurture the children 24 hours a day. Our three children have always got an adult ready to listen, advise and help. How could jealousy be allowed to ruin such an amazing life?
02/25/2013
Mitzuki Mitzuki
Jealousy is a human emotion. It's impossible NOT to feel it. It's all a matter of how much time you spend dealing with it and learning to coexist with it, just like Airen Wolf said. I've had relationships fail because one partner just didn't know how to deal with the jealousy. It's a hard emotion to overcome and live in harmony with, but knowing your partner comes home to you helps that feeling.
02/27/2013
RosesThorns RosesThorns
So one of the only times I ever feel truly jealous of my 'sister wife' is when she and S talk about their past, they have been married for 21 years, and I get jealous of them having more of a history, but I feel better when I think on the fact that S and I will have history and stories and what not eventually, it takes time.

I do feel little jealousy from time to time but its little and I can examine it and move past it. Plus it is really easy for me to talk to S about how I am feeling and what not.
03/07/2013
CutiePatootie CutiePatootie
I think jealousy is natural, but is only bad when you put the wrong people together.
03/11/2013
Sylvan Sylvan
Hey, I have read your responses and am trying to sort of meditate on the matter. See, I am "lucky" to be in a monogamous relationship currently so there is no direct threat for me and no reason for me to feel jealous in a SERIOUS way, BUT that pesky emotion has been an issue for me all my life.
My last relationship ended when my guy's views on love and sex changed slowly over the course of a few years and he ended up wanting to try out a poly lifestyle with my blessing. I tried it because I loved him and respected his honesty in sharing his desires, but my jealousy ate me up inside and I could not cope. I was always freaking out about his other partner's, comparing them to me, always feeling inferier no matter how much he tried to remind me I was #1.

Anyway, I appreciate your responses and I am trying to focus on how you guys are saying jealousy is normal and everyone experiences the emotion, it's just that you can't let it run your life or change your relationship. It's a hard pill for me to swallow but I need the positive reminders
03/12/2013
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Sylvan
Hey, I have read your responses and am trying to sort of meditate on the matter. See, I am "lucky" to be in a monogamous relationship currently so there is no direct threat for me and no reason for me to feel jealous in a SERIOUS way, BUT ... More
We are taught from a young age that anger, hatred, rage and sadness are emotions that we are supposed to control. We are supposed to work on not being consumed by these emotions. The thing is jealousy is the most destructive imposter emotion that humans can feel. It is really fear of loss being magnified until it takes over our reasoning capabilities and makes us act the opposite of how we know we should be acting.

Then you have the crux of the issue: it's "OK" to be jealous of and jealously guard all interactions our beloved has with the outside world. This is seen as an expression of love, when it is completely the opposite. While I would never say that choosing monogamy is a hostile or non-loving relationship style I will say that praising jealousy and making it the reason for being monogamous ruins every relationship it touches.

When you are jealous of your partner you are robbing them of the trust that should exist between you and you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to grow by experiencing and dealing with (mastering, if you will) your emotions...ALL of them. A child freely feels negative emotions and we gently give them room to learn to constructively deal with those energies. As an adult we must remember that jealousy is simply an emotion. No one will ever die from feeling jealousy, it's unpleasant but you WILL move on if you let yourself.

Learn to see yourself through the eyes of a loving and confident partner. No one on this planet is you, and no one will ever measure up to the uniquely high standard that you set. Yes, a partner may come to love another person but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that their unique love for you is diminished.
Like I tell my guys; I do not love them equally. I love them equally fiercely. The only thing that is wrong with my husband, Sigel, is he isn't my life partner Arch. The only reason I do not leave my husband to be with Arch is that he is not Sigel. They are separate people and I love them AS separate people. In my day to day life I do not compare them in an effort to "rate" them. I have no need to do this because I am not forced to choose between them, therefore, they have no need to doubt my love and affection and can deal with other petty jealousies in a mature manner or however they see fit! They are free to manage their own emotions without my insisting they make sure I NEVER have to feel mine.

Does this help?
03/13/2013
smlove smlove
Of course it does.
I've found though that it comes from a few sources, sometimes a combination.

I get jealous when I don't feel good about myself. If I've had a bad day, I prefer getting cuddles of my own before sharing my wife. but I still love sharing her. I just need some attention first.
Other jealousy can happen if someone is actively trying to get in between/take away. My wife experienced this kind because a friend of ours looked at me like I belonged to her, a very possessive look.
we're all about sharing, unless you're not gonna share too. If our other friends/loves/partners don't want to share back, then we don't want to share either.

There is also jealousy when one or both or multiple partners aren't being respectful. That's just not the kind I've experienced.

What I have learned well so far though, is that being 'good' at poly doesn't mean jealousy doesn't exist. It means knowing what to do and handling it to the best of your abilities in a mature manner. Not causing a scene or throwing a fit.
04/29/2013
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
I get insecure. I used to call it jealous, but I recognize where it is coming from. Sometimes it is because something is happening in my relationship with my partner that is making me feel that way and sometimes it is because I am putting past trauma and relationships on them completely by myself.

I always bring it up as soon as I notice and we work together to solve it.
05/16/2013
JADE76 JADE76
Quote:
Originally posted by Sylvan
Sorry, this is a played out topic when it comes to polyamory, but as someone who's monogamous and has dreaded jealousy issues it's something I've never been able to fully wrap my head around and would appreciate some personal ... More
That's a big hell yes
06/27/2013
Mistress M. Mistress M.
I used to be horribly scared of polyamory. Mainly because I had no idea how it would work out, but last August / early September. Things were rocky a few days, but things seem to have gotten better. I absolutely love my partner's wife, and her life partner. I have a lot of respect for her and her lessons in life. I am slowly coming around to the fact I feel like I belong where I am now, and that I shouldn't have been so stressed on it all.

My life partner is just as crazy as me when it comes to sex, so it's always a pretty good feeling overall.
11/29/2013
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 9