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Hey, I have read your responses and am trying to sort of meditate on the matter. See, I am "lucky" to be in a monogamous relationship currently so there is no direct threat for me and no reason for me to feel jealous in a SERIOUS way, BUT
Hey, I have read your responses and am trying to sort of meditate on the matter. See, I am "lucky" to be in a monogamous relationship currently so there is no direct threat for me and no reason for me to feel jealous in a SERIOUS way, BUT that pesky emotion has been an issue for me all my life.
My last relationship ended when my guy's views on love and sex changed slowly over the course of a few years and he ended up wanting to try out a poly lifestyle with my blessing. I tried it because I loved him and respected his honesty in sharing his desires, but my jealousy ate me up inside and I could not cope. I was always freaking out about his other partner's, comparing them to me, always feeling inferier no matter how much he tried to remind me I was #1.
Anyway, I appreciate your responses and I am trying to focus on how you guys are saying jealousy is normal and everyone experiences the emotion, it's just that you can't let it run your life or change your relationship. It's a hard pill for me to swallow but I need the positive reminders
We are taught from a young age that anger, hatred, rage and sadness are emotions that we are supposed to control. We are supposed to work on not being consumed by these emotions. The thing is jealousy is the most destructive imposter emotion that humans can feel. It is really fear of loss being magnified until it takes over our reasoning capabilities and makes us act the opposite of how we know we should be acting.
Then you have the crux of the issue: it's "OK" to be jealous of and jealously guard all interactions our beloved has with the outside world. This is seen as an expression of love, when it is completely the opposite. While I would never say that choosing monogamy is a hostile or non-loving relationship style I will say that praising jealousy and making it the reason for being monogamous ruins every relationship it touches.
When you are jealous of your partner you are robbing them of the trust that should exist between you and you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to grow by experiencing and dealing with (mastering, if you will) your emotions...ALL of them. A child freely feels negative emotions and we gently give them room to learn to constructively deal with those energies. As an adult we must remember that jealousy is simply an emotion. No one will ever die from feeling jealousy, it's unpleasant but you WILL move on if you let yourself.
Learn to see yourself through the eyes of a loving and confident partner. No one on this planet is you, and no one will ever measure up to the uniquely high standard that you set. Yes, a partner may come to love another person but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that their unique love for you is diminished.
Like I tell my guys; I do not love them equally. I love them equally fiercely. The only thing that is wrong with my husband, Sigel, is he isn't my life partner Arch. The only reason I do not leave my husband to be with Arch is that he is not Sigel. They are separate people and I love them AS separate people. In my day to day life I do not compare them in an effort to "rate" them. I have no need to do this because I am not forced to choose between them, therefore, they have no need to doubt my love and affection and can deal with other petty jealousies in a mature manner or however they see fit! They are free to manage their own emotions without my insisting they make sure I NEVER have to feel mine.
Does this help?