Feeling loved for you...and not for your spouse

MimiPhryxus MimiPhryxus
So yet another girl has moved on from a somewhat trinogamous relationship with me and my husband.

It seems with each girl that has moved on, and things that were said or done during the relationship and after, I feel more and more like the girls that date us are more putting up with me to be with my husband rather than wanting to be with both of us.

I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this feeling. If it is legitimate and not my own insecurities...how should I go about finding someone who isn't just putting up with me as the wife and is actually interested in dating me too?

(before it gets mentioned, I know finding a 3rd person for a group is like finding a unicorn, I've heard it all lol. We're currently discussing being with separate people but with our current time constraints we're holding off on being with anyone until our move is finalized and what not. This discussion is just out of curiosity).
08/19/2012
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kendra30752 kendra30752
Yikes! What a very complicated situation. I can see how that'd happen. I would worry about it too, but that type of lifestyle is SOOOO not something I've ever or ever could do. I guess it's just how people are. You always have people you like more or have more feelings for. It's normal, everyone likes other people in different ways. Like friends even. I have friends who are fun, but I might not love to be around as much as others. So I guess this is a natural thing, for them to take more to one of you. Seems like it would definitely happen (either them like you or your partner more).

I'm sorry to hear you're sad though. I'd feel kind of down too.

But if they're only "putting up with you" to be with your husband, is it really a trinogamous relationship or more just a twosome kind of relationship in their eyes -- the girl's eyes? Maybe she isn't really into having both of you, but wants your husband and thinks 'well, if the only way I can have him is if is wife is involved too, that's what I'll do.'


You also mentioned discussing being with separate people.. maybe you and your husband aren't longer interested in being a couple, but just prefer to stay married and still have each other there when you need each other?

I'm sorry that I have no helpful answers or advice. Maybe you and your husband need to both think very seriously about what you want and talk it out. Have you told him that you feel left out? I suppose, if you both want to continue this lifestyle, maybe your idea of just going your separate ways as far as dating goes is the best idea. That way you find someone just for you and he finds well, he keeps getting what he's getting.

I do hope it works out though.

Hugs to you
08/19/2012
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Quote:
Originally posted by kendra30752
Yikes! What a very complicated situation. I can see how that'd happen. I would worry about it too, but that type of lifestyle is SOOOO not something I've ever or ever could do. I guess it's just how people are. You always have people you ... More
I don't think you understand polyamory. I am with a wonderful man and I also have another boyfriend. It's not that I don't want to be with either of them. I love them both. My fiance and I date separate people, but it in no way makes our relationship less.
08/19/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by MimiPhryxus
So yet another girl has moved on from a somewhat trinogamous relationship with me and my husband.

It seems with each girl that has moved on, and things that were said or done during the relationship and after, I feel more and more like the ... More
The desire to be with separate people doesn't mean the couple are looking to stay together for convenience...it means they are willing to have other loves in addition to their own for each other.

Mimi and her husband have tried numerous threesomes and haven't found someone who shares their goals or is willing to work with them to achieve these goals. One of their goals was to have someone that they both loved as a third (partner). What they are discussing is maybe opening up to the possibility of looking individually rather than as a couple for a special someone (or someones) this in no way means they are tired of each other or looking for something they can't provide each other.

Honestly, this is a problem that creeps up more often than not simply because people don't understand the joy and intoxication of loving someone so much that you want to see that love reflected in the eyes of someone else. The real issue is Mimi wants to share in that circle of love WITH her man rather than just being witness to it. I can relate totally. It sucks to want to get to know someone and have them subtly let you know they aren't interested in you.

I would, however be very firm with her and with him that you will not be made to feel like you are the one intruding, either the door is wide open or she needs to not let it hit her on the ass as she leaves. Be firm mostly with her that you are looking for someone who wants to be with you both not someone who is a metamore (a loved on of a loved one...that you care about but don't love necessarily). You are looking for a triad not a V. Don't give up though...she may be a bit unsure about how to proceed, there's no manual for this sort of thing.

For now, until things settle down, love them where they are and hope for the best. The middle of a giant move is not the best time to be trying to do some heavy adult processing. Then maybe you could consider loosening the ties a bit and just enjoying a bit of "on the side" until that special someone...or someones come along. Face it he loves you, you love him and that's not likely to change. If she puts pressure on him to leave you cut her...plain, simple and quickly.

All kidding aside Best of luck to you three...I'm here to talk if you want.
08/19/2012
MimiPhryxus MimiPhryxus
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
The desire to be with separate people doesn't mean the couple are looking to stay together for convenience...it means they are willing to have other loves in addition to their own for each other.

Mimi and her husband have tried numerous ... More
-hugs a lot- thanks Airen, you've always got the best advice.

I did want to say that the third is no longer with us. She has moved on to another man. -shrugs-

I guess right now our focus is getting settled but I'd love to avoid this situation in the future. Not sure how tho.
08/19/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by MimiPhryxus
-hugs a lot- thanks Airen, you've always got the best advice.

I did want to say that the third is no longer with us. She has moved on to another man. -shrugs-

I guess right now our focus is getting settled but I'd love to avoid ... More
You gotta love the fickle ones, no? Honestly, it's gonna take time. Sounds like you had her pegged though. Could it be that your man has a penchant for choosing women who are not exactly inclined toward poly? There's no shame in this, mind you, but it does prove to be a problem if you guys are looking to be in this as a couple.

There are lovely, amazing women out there who are looking for a nice couple to love. I promise! They are just in pretty high demand.
Could you guys maybe expand a bit to include another couple rather than a singleton...or even look for yourselves independently.

Whatever, however, it works out you guys will be fine. You are an amazing person with lots to offer, remember that and don't despair. It's not like you don't have each other, right?
08/20/2012
LittleA LittleA
I am curious how you are finding the women that you add to your relationship? Are you as a couple finding them, or are one of you the driving force to including them? Like Airen mentioned, if its your husband doing more of the finding/choosing, and then you agree to the find, maybe try reversing that role, and focus more on your likes in a person to fit you as a couple, see if that changes the dynamic. Mimi I don't know your Poly history, but if there seems to be a pattern on how this third partner enters your lives, maybe the answer is changing that pattern and approaching it differently. If none of this applies, I hope you have more luck!
03/15/2013
Total posts: 7
Unique posters: 5