Gaaaah Complications!

Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
In six days I leave to go to Canada to spend sometime with Arch and let him show off his son. Today my Mother decided to ask me to befriend her on facebook almost a year after shamshing her way into my sexlife and telling me what a rotten person I am. She convinced my Dad the appropriate thing to do was to come to my house and threaten me with physical harm for daring to talk to my Mother in ways she didin't like...notice it doesn't say in ways she didn't deserve just didn't like!
Arch is at work and so is Sigel. My stomach is in knots and all the feelings that had begun to calm after almost a year are back and blazing away. Guess I hadn't dealt with them as well as I had thought! I know the guys want NOTHING to do with my Parents, but I know my kids do sometimes miss them. They cried the first Thanksgiving we didn't go over and do the whole extended family thing...but they were crying because they were so relieved and happy not to have to go through the ordeal!
My mind says ignore the request, but I am so very torn! I love my parents but they aren't good for themselves let alone my family. They do not and will not approve of my choices and I will be forced to explain myself ad-nausem while they try their best to wear me down to their way of thinking. This year away from them has been the most productive and the best in terms of really learning who I am. I was starting to feel confident and secure now I am afraid when a car goes by again...it might be her. I know it's irrational and I would hadle myself just fine but I stil feel like the scared little girl I was growing up.
My question is do I have the right to deny my parents the possibility of mending fences and getting to know their grandchildren? Do I have the right to disregard my children's father's stated desire that I do just that? Neither man wants their children subjected to the stress and chaos my parent's must have in their lives. I know I don't either but it's the first time she's ever reached out to me...what to do?
05/21/2010
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Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
In six days I leave to go to Canada to spend sometime with Arch and let him show off his son. Today my Mother decided to ask me to befriend her on facebook almost a year after shamshing her way into my sexlife and telling me what a rotten person I ... More
Stop letting the social conditioning overpower your heart and mind. Biological entitlement is BULLSHIT. Just because you are related to someone by blood does not automatically mean that they are good for you or your children.

I personally cut my father out of my life, he was not a good presence in my life or the lives of my children. I gave him chances, He fucked up. I do not do endless second-chances, so after the 3rd or 4th time, I cut all ties. We're better off not dealing with drama, judgment and all the other nonsense. And I hear my sister complain all the time about him. I feel sorry that she can't get over her feelings of guilt and obligation.

That's just one instance in my life, there are others.

I strongly encourage you to keep bad people out of your life, blood or not. Love should not be harmful and make your life worse. That's not love, Airen.

Let your mother write letters to you and the kids. No calls, no visits, no internet stalking. Just regular old snail mail for a year, and see how that goes. If the letters are full of guilt trips and accusations, send them back to her and say "This is unacceptable, please do not send letters like these.". Stay calm.

You have control over how people treat you, and it is also under your control how you will allow people to affect your children.
05/21/2010
Snappy Snappy
Make a decision that you can live with. It is entirely appropriate for you to prioritize your immediate family's well being over that of your family of origin.
05/21/2010
MarriedWithToyz MarriedWithToyz
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
Stop letting the social conditioning overpower your heart and mind. Biological entitlement is BULLSHIT. Just because you are related to someone by blood does not automatically mean that they are good for you or your children.

I personally cut ... More
I couldn't agree with Victoria more! Time and time again I forgave my parents. Only to have them hurt me again. I am 42 years old and I can truly say I have had enough of letting them in, they just go back to their old ways anyway. I personally think they just like to be manipulative. My family and I try to live a drama free life and that is the way we like it. I just wish I would have listen to my gut instinct when I was younger a let it go back then. I would have saved my family and myself a lot of tears.

You have a family now and how and with whom you want to be around is your choice. Like Victoria said, snail mail for a year, bull free!

Best of luck to you!
05/21/2010
Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
Stop letting the social conditioning overpower your heart and mind. Biological entitlement is BULLSHIT. Just because you are related to someone by blood does not automatically mean that they are good for you or your children.

I personally cut ... More
Victoria said it all, and I especially agree with this phrase; "Biological entitlement is BULLSHIT!"

Alan and I both had similar dramas with certain members of each of our families, and that's a big reason why we moved nearly 1000 miles away from the whole mess years ago. If any of them had wanted to keep in touch with our son when he was younger, neither of us were stopping them, but the two of us weren't willing to maintain our relationships with those family members anymore. Regardless of who's involved, you can only give people so many "second chances" before you realize that it's always going to be a destructive situation.

You have every right to choose not to mend fences, and it doesn't mean that the kids can't keep in touch with their grandparents. However, from your wording it sounds like the grandparents might not be good for the kids, and in that case HELL YESS you have every right to deny them contact! If you don't want to do that, you might want to set some solid ground rules that your parents will have to follow if they plan to stay in touch.
05/21/2010
Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
In six days I leave to go to Canada to spend sometime with Arch and let him show off his son. Today my Mother decided to ask me to befriend her on facebook almost a year after shamshing her way into my sexlife and telling me what a rotten person I ... More
You know, even if they are your family, you have to consider what good they would bring into your life. The way it is, I think she has always wanted to control your life, and your mother is frustrated not to be able to control you. Befriending you might just be a way to spy on your activities. It's not healthy, and not a great way to make amends.

Maybe your kids miss them, but they're kids, they don't know all the details like you do. It's sad, but you may not want your mother to try and get a hold on your children and, who knows, maybe try to steal them from you by trying to convince people that you are an unfit mother, by not bringing them up in a standard family and that it could be harmful for them. It's a bad case scenario, but...

If it's such a struggle considering it, then listen to your guts, and don't accept the friend request.
05/21/2010
Victoria Victoria
Thanks, Marriedwithtoyz and Alan&Michele! I was just telling like it is, from my own experience and perspective. I am glad that you both relate and have overcome those issues in your lives too I think that breaking ties and/or managing the chaos in our lives is one of the major hallmarks of individuality and maturity.

I hope everything works out for Airen, she is a really wonderful person.
05/22/2010
Kyra Saunders Kyra Saunders
Just an aside that your kids may miss the idea of being with their grandparents far more than the actuality of it. When your children become adults, they can choose whether or not to have some sort of relationship with them.

Just because someone has a genetic tie to you or your children does not mean that they have any automatic entitlement to anything. I walked away from my parents for about ten years and made it clear that they would have NO access until they decided to be the adults they claimed to be. Eventually they did and my mother has sort of remade herself at least into someone I can stand. We get along okay now and she's a good grandmother to my kids.

Our job as parents is to protect and teach our children. I did not consider it to be doing my job to allow my children to be around people bad for them mentally and perhaps physically, not matter their genetic ties.

Go with your gut and the fact you've given them the benefit of the doubt before, only to have them misbehave. I'd deny the request, were it me.
05/22/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
Stop letting the social conditioning overpower your heart and mind. Biological entitlement is BULLSHIT. Just because you are related to someone by blood does not automatically mean that they are good for you or your children.

I personally cut ... More
Thanks Victoria I needed to hear that from someone with some perspective. I love my parents and extended family but the lessons they taught me about love is that as long as I say I love you I can do whatever I want regardless of your felings or the havok it wrecks in your life. I don't want this to be the lesson my children learn.
I didn't tell my Mom not to come back but Sigel did after my Mom went home and got my Dad so upset he came to my house intending on getting physical with me. She lies freely to "win" support and it's just a bad situation.
I think I am going to just politely and quietly ignore the email and wait for her to do the right thing...I'm figuring it'll take a while but Alanon taught me to love them where they are, keep myself healthy and keep hope alive. I think this is one I will gladly turn over to my Higher Power to resolve because any decision I make can't help but be based in my longing for their acceptance and real love.
05/30/2010
Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Thanks Victoria I needed to hear that from someone with some perspective. I love my parents and extended family but the lessons they taught me about love is that as long as I say I love you I can do whatever I want regardless of your felings or the ... More
/hug
05/30/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
She writes emails to my girls but they have decided that they aren't interested in trusting her yet. They see how manipulative she is and it has come to light that she lied about some of the things she did when they were with her alone. Right now she doesn't acknowledge my son and I know her excuse will be that no one told her...but it's all over my facebook page. So I am just hanging firm and cataloging the emails for the girls for later when they feel like reading them. It's as far as I am willing to go at this point and I feel comfortable with the arrangement. If it blows up in my face later I'll deal with it then. Another lesson from Alanon...don't handle problems that don't exist. If it ain't broke don't fix it!

On the upside Michael's paternal grandparents are everything you could ever want...and they treat my girls like gold. They speak polish almost solely but they still include the girls in everything. It's amazing.
07/17/2010
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 7