How did you broach the subject?

badk1tty badk1tty
I'm bi/poly, but in a monogamous relationship with a man. He is pretty unaware of the second part, because he's rather territorial (without being jealous or absurd about it - he just knows what's his) and it's never actually come up before. Truthfully, I don't think he would at all understand if it ever did come up.

Which leads me to my question. How did you broach the subject with your partner? Were you both aware from the beginning? Is it more one partner than the other who is/was interested? Were the outcomes favorable?
04/22/2012
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by badk1tty
I'm bi/poly, but in a monogamous relationship with a man. He is pretty unaware of the second part, because he's rather territorial (without being jealous or absurd about it - he just knows what's his) and it's never actually come up ... More
Actually my partners broached the subject with me though I was the one who found information about polyamory. Sigel has always been more interested in an open relationship where we played but I resisted because I believed that that was what I was supposed to do. Then I met Arch. Sigel had had enough of lying and pretending. Arch said he was interested....Sigel agreed that he was a great guy....and we all met. The rest was a whirlwind of regaining equilibrium. Once we did though we realized we were all way happier than we had been before!

Sigel believed that I would never understand how he felt about casual sex and so never had a sit down discussion with me...to be fair I was in the "I'll cut it off if you try" camp so he really didn't have any reason to trust me....still if he had we'd have been much happier much earlier. I hope you find the courage and he allows you to safely tell him how you feel.
04/22/2012
AutumnNight AutumnNight
Being the 'third' in my relationship, I know my girlfriend had the same problems it seems you are probably going to. But what happened for us was that I met Arris in an online writing community - not really planning on getting involved or having our relationship go the way it did. We were friends for about a year beforehand and got to meet in person around that time. Things just kind of sparked from there.

Arris has always been in a kinda...different relationship with her fiancee. They're pretty open people, give each other a lot of space, but definitely had never broached the topic of poly. Which is basically what she had to do once the two of us realized we were really interested in starting a relationship.

It started off very slow, kinda of a bringing up of topic of how she'd like to kiss another girl, or was interested in exploring something there. He automatically said 'no not comfortable with that' - which when you're in a mono relationship for four years...it kind of makes sense. But she's kind of a stubborn girl, and over the months slowly kept bringing it up.

We use the phrase - baby steps - as we've gone through it. And eventually I was brought up. I'd met him before so it wasn't as if I was a complete stranger, and more recently we've been hanging out at different events as a group. So his answer has gone from - 'no way' to 'yeah I'm okay with it'. But it takes a lot of openness and a lot of trust for the kind of relationship we're trying to build. And a lot of time.

Though I'm not sexually attracted to her fiancee (as I'm gay) I've found that being friends with him has really helped to open everyone up to the idea. You sort of have to prove in a way that the new relationship won't come in-between the old one, and can actually enhance what you already have.

Knowing Arris, it's a bit of juggling at times, but we're all very happy so far with the results.
04/23/2012
badk1tty badk1tty
Quote:
Originally posted by AutumnNight
Being the 'third' in my relationship, I know my girlfriend had the same problems it seems you are probably going to. But what happened for us was that I met Arris in an online writing community - not really planning on getting involved or ... More
Thank you both for replying. I'm just trying to get some ideas right now. I know that this will never be something that comes into play in my marriage, because of how completely traditional my husband is. I just can't help but being curious sometimes.
04/23/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by AutumnNight
Being the 'third' in my relationship, I know my girlfriend had the same problems it seems you are probably going to. But what happened for us was that I met Arris in an online writing community - not really planning on getting involved or ... More
You bring up a good point that lots of couples seem almost smug about...if your partner want to have a relationship with another person of the opposite sex it DOESN'T mean there will be no competition for affection or jealousy! A woman can leave her man for another woman and vice versa.
My life partner, Arch, laid that on the line early on when we were still going through limmerance and it allowed us to work on building trust from a position of understanding. A new love is a new love regardless of the gender of the new love.
Also, a triad doesn't need to all be in love with one another to work! They need to genuinely care for one another and want the besor the relationship. Sharing common goals and caring about the individual goals of the parties involved is a good start to building a strong foundation.

It sounds like you have a good thing going AutumnNight and I wish you the best of luck, love and familial understanding!
04/24/2012
AutumnNight AutumnNight
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
You bring up a good point that lots of couples seem almost smug about...if your partner want to have a relationship with another person of the opposite sex it DOESN'T mean there will be no competition for affection or jealousy! A woman can leave ... More
Those are some of the things I'm starting to learn now! But I have a lot of hope for it in the future, and am trying to be proactive in learning more about how to handle the dynamic we're inevitably going to encounter.
Thanks much I appreciate being able to hear from others who have some understanding on the situation.
04/24/2012
adam71 adam71
never been there
04/24/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by adam71
never been there
Fascinating...
04/25/2012
badk1tty badk1tty
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
You bring up a good point that lots of couples seem almost smug about...if your partner want to have a relationship with another person of the opposite sex it DOESN'T mean there will be no competition for affection or jealousy! A woman can leave ... More
I think that with my husband, he views polyamory as infidelity. I have no idea how to get him to see it as anything other than this, and I don't plan on trying, since his parents went through a lot of infidelity so it's sort of ingrained on his head that SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE IS CHEATING. And that it's never acceptable.
04/26/2012
BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by badk1tty
I think that with my husband, he views polyamory as infidelity. I have no idea how to get him to see it as anything other than this, and I don't plan on trying, since his parents went through a lot of infidelity so it's sort of ingrained on ... More
I'm in a very similar boat. You'd be surprised how much continual OPEN, HONEST communication can make a difference.
05/07/2012
Total posts: 10
Unique posters: 5