How does one even start?

The New Intimacy

How does one even start?

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Contributor: Istanbull Istanbull
Due to a very out and proud friend who's poly and is also an author who publishes articles all the time on the subject and me reading those articles I have decided that if/when I ever get divorced I will adopt the lifestyle. I agree with her articles making the point "Why are we no longer allowed to fall in love with anyone else just because we are in love with someone now? How is it we can love all our parents, siblings, children and friends simultaniously but when we love someone intimatly all the sudden we are only capable of loving just one person?

My question is how does one even start a relationship with others as a poly? How does one even break this to someone you just fell in love with? "I love you but just so you know I may also fall in love with someone else too in the future and that doesn't mean I have stopped loving you."
10/07/2013
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Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Istanbull
Due to a very out and proud friend who's poly and is also an author who publishes articles all the time on the subject and me reading those articles I have decided that if/when I ever get divorced I will adopt the lifestyle. I agree with her ... more
I am assuming that your current relationship is experiencing some difficulties at the present moment and I would caution you not to throw in with the "newest thing" as a remedy to the pain you are in. Obviously I do not know you and I cannot say what is prompting you to decide that the poly lifestyle seems more appealing than your current situation but I believe that the poly lifestyle demands skills that ALL relationships should have such as being able to work through difficulties and make it work.

There are as many ways poly relationships begin as there are ways monogamous relationships begin...we meet in bars, at the laundromat, in the supermarket, online...you get the picture. I would suggest getting to know your local poly community but don't despair if you can't find a whole bunch of people because we tend to be really low key for fear of discrimination.

Your idea may seem a bit out there but really it's not so far from the truth: Let any future lovers know that you acknowledge that while you may never meet anyone that you love as much as you love them...but the possibility is there. I truly believe we should celebrate and look forward to what might come rather than hide behind threats and heartbreak.

I would offer future lovers an open relationship and offer extreme honesty. That's the best way to begin any relationship in my opinion.
10/07/2013
Contributor: CinnamonNights CinnamonNights
I'm not currently in a full on poly relationship yet, but I have discussed it with my boyfriend. He actually brought up the idea of a threesome one day, and I jumped all over the idea. While we were talking about it I ended up bringing up that maybe perhaps we could "have another girlfriend". I was sure to inform him that while I'd be happy with a woman I can be happy with him too. He's the love of my life so if he were to say "a threesome is fine, extra girlfriend no" then I'd accept this and respect his choice. Luckily he was pretty understanding and he agreed that it would be an interesting idea. Though we did agree upon the fact that: no guys. While I would be fine with it but my boyfriend would not, so we cant have "extra sausage"

I dunno, I guess the most I can recommend for coming out to someone is be clear, be honest, and be aware of how you're phrasing something. Tell them what you want, ask them what THEY want, and hopefully your desires coincide. Most would be afraid that another person would be a replacement, but you have to assure them that its merely someone else to love. Remember: "not just mine but yours too" If they're okay with another person, let them know that you want them to like the other person too. So talk with them about what gender they like, what relationship (just sexual or just affection?) they like, or if they even WANT to be anything more than exclusive.

Though something of note If you want to be ONLY in a poly relationship you have to be careful not to start a monogamous one. Leading people on is bad, so if you don't want to be with just one person: don't be. Also make sure you aren't actually just seeking an open relationship. There's a difference between dating someone while you both sleep around with whoever, versus being committed to more than one person.

The post above me has a good point, but I won't waste space repeating what they said. So I just recommend you heed their advice.
10/08/2013