How to bring up your primary partner

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How to bring up your primary partner

novanilla novanilla
I have a primary partner, but have gone out on a couple of dates with someone else. I'm not quite sure how to breach the subject of my primary partner, but want to tell them so as not to be a jerk, and let them know what my intentions are/what to expect from me. Advice on this step from those who've done it time and again? I haven't done this before since this is my first open relationship. How soon do you usually do it, and how do you bring it up?
04/09/2013
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KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
I find that it's best for me to be very clear about it before the first date or on the first date. I lay out how we work and have a discussion about it. It's not a bitchy thing, just an honest thing. Then there aren't as many hurt feelings when it comes up.
04/09/2013
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by novanilla
I have a primary partner, but have gone out on a couple of dates with someone else. I'm not quite sure how to breach the subject of my primary partner, but want to tell them so as not to be a jerk, and let them know what my intentions are/what to ...
I always let a potential partner know before I date them that I am poly and not going to be able to give monogamy. That way there are no hurt feelings and my partners all know that I am firm in my commitment to them. Barring that I would suggest a meeting as quick as possible so that you can put your best foot forward but be prepared to be accused of being weird or deceptive.
04/12/2013
bog bog
Quote:
Originally posted by novanilla
I have a primary partner, but have gone out on a couple of dates with someone else. I'm not quite sure how to breach the subject of my primary partner, but want to tell them so as not to be a jerk, and let them know what my intentions are/what to ...
I try to bring it up when there is some emotional component to the secondary relationship. For instance, with my last partner, we slept together three or four times before it got intense. Once it did, I said, "Hey, can I talk to you about something kind of serious?" He understood immediately what I'd be talking to him about, and I said, "I have other partners." His response? "Cool, thanks for being honest with me. Doesn't bother me. Are you hungry?" & that was that.
04/12/2013
ac0313 ac0313
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I always let a potential partner know before I date them that I am poly and not going to be able to give monogamy. That way there are no hurt feelings and my partners all know that I am firm in my commitment to them. Barring that I would suggest a ...
This.

Waiting "until the right time" will most likely create bad feelings in the other person sinfe you withheld very important informaion - lied by omission.
04/20/2013
earthmama earthmama
Quote:
Originally posted by ac0313
This.

Waiting "until the right time" will most likely create bad feelings in the other person sinfe you withheld very important informaion - lied by omission.
Waiting until the right time is a bad idea. Lying by omission is a really bad way to start something that has to be based on honesty.
04/28/2013
VeganChick (is Gone) VeganChick (is Gone)
I agree with others, bring it up as soon as possible. They probably are operating under the assumption that you don't have other partners, so it really needs to talked about before anything really develops.
04/30/2013
LadyRelentless LadyRelentless
You're already late, in my book. The right time is from the get-go, for me, especially if your other partner is definitely the primary one, and you don't have any intention of letting this new person interfere with the primaryness of your other partner.

Being the third is something that I feel like you need to go into knowingly...

Pretty much all of my experiences in non-monogamy, everyone knew about each other from the beginning.

I think secrets are the enemy of functional poly.
05/09/2013
Total posts: 8
Unique posters: 8