If you want sex in ways your monogomous partner doesn't. What do you do?

playsalot playsalot
I have been with a woman who I love who doesn't do some of the things that I want to be a part of my sexlife. I would like to have more of an open relationship but she is possesive of me and doesn't want me to have sex with other people. There is someone who I have great chemistry with who is open to alot of my fantasies,(who I have had sex with, and I was honest with my girlfriend about) and makes me very happy. My girl friend and I have been together for six years and over this summer we have been away from each other. I am in a position where I am a jerk one way or another, and the selfish me wants to keep my relationship, and be with the lady that has been making me happy, which doesn't seem likely it would work. Currently I am not around either person, in about 10 days I will be around the lady I have a crush on and about 2 weeks later I will be back around my girlfriend. I want to be as honest as possible and thoughtful of all parties feelings. I have not told my girlfriend yet that I will see my crush again before I see her. What do you suggest I do, please be easy on me I feel bad enough as it is.
08/24/2012
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- Kira - - Kira -
Talk to your girlfriend about your needs. Maybe she can meet some of them. Whatever you do, DON'T cheat.

If you talk to your girlfriend and she can't fulfill your needs, it's best to let her go rather than cheat on her and hurt her.
08/24/2012
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Yea, you need to talk to your girlfriend. She deserves the respect of not being kept in the dark.
08/24/2012
kims89 kims89
its better to be open
08/24/2012
playsalot playsalot
I have been and plan on being honest to both women. And I don't want to hurt eithers feelings. I guess it just looks like I am asking if I should cheat on my girl friend and thats not it. I guess I just need to talk with my girlfriend about it more. I feel like i am trying to hold on to what we had.
08/24/2012
PeachCandy PeachCandy
Communication is key
08/24/2012
Ansley Ansley
I would honestly advise not seeing your crush before you see your girlfriend because it will probably be seen as a breach of trust; no matter how honest you are after the fact, it still remains that you will be asking for forgiveness instead of permission and as she is your primary relationship at this moment, her needs come first.

You two need to sit down and talk things out. Revealing fantasies can be difficult - we feel vulnerable, the slightest flinch or probing question can lead to us feeling rejected, and we don't always know exactly what we want and describing it can be difficult.

I think everyone's knee-jerk answer to a new fantasy is 'no' or 'what the hell made you think of that' because it's unknown and they've been told at least once it's taboo.

Personally speaking, I've found those things become less taboo as we get older and the usual things we all start out doing in the bedroom eventually become stale or routine. These are prime opportunities to bring up something new.

Now, if it's something that you absolutely have to have to get off you probably need to realize this about yourself and be honest with everyone involved. There are successful relationships where people have separate play partners for kink the other partner just can't handle. But, those relationships require strict boundaries and trust is very, very important.

So my advice is, that if you want to get what you want out of this situation you need to start out being as ridiculously honest and compassionate as you can be with yourself and the people you've mentioned and keep everything open and the communication flowing. Otherwise? You're just going to end up in a clusterfuck, proportions of which you've likely never seen.
08/24/2012
geekkink geekkink
Be honest with her, and yourself. Do you want another girlfriend, is that what you really want and need, cause if it is your relationship is going to be really hard on all parties involved. Do you physically, mentally need kinkier sex, is not getting that going to put a strain on your emotional being? Than you need to express that to your current girlfriend, if she venomously refuses to budge on anything you need to see it this way, She is asking you to not do things you want to do to be with her, so when she refuse to do things she wants to do and she wont is not a fair situation. That is her right by the way, I'm not saying she has to fuck a group of guys or whatever, I have no idea what your fantasy's are she does not have to do anything, and neither do you. Relationships are always a bit of give and take, how much give and take is the question, it seems you are giving up a lot of what you what you want to be with this person, and she refuses to give up anything, again I don't really no the situation, but you need to make your wants really clear.
08/24/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Really the problem is we don't know enough about your relationship or your girlfriend's thoughts on poly relationships. I know you say you are monogamous but have you talked about non-monogamy with her at all? What was her reaction? Sometimes a "Hell no!" can chance over time,a s Stormy said, but YOU must be willing to believe what she says when she says it. She may not change her mind.

If she doesn't is it ok for you to "get what you need" anyway? No, it isn't, not if that involved sneaking around and cheating. If you really feel that you cannot live with what you have in the bedroom with your current girlfriend, ethically you have only two choices: change what you do with her, or let her find someone who IS happy with what she is offering.

Now if you get really lucky and you find that she isn't real happy in the bedroom either...how will you handle that? In my experience it's not an easy thing to deal with either. Sure you're unhappy but if she is as well? Can you handle that without feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under you? Can you give HER what she feels she is missing? What if she wants to sleep with another man, with or without you present, and she already knows who she wants? Can you handle that? If you feel ANYTHING negative about the questions I am asking you need to take a step back and rethink your position on whether you are being selfish.
If, however, this makes you excited and you really would love to share a partner with your partner then discuss it with her.

I know you will make the best choices that you can with the knowledge you have, and I wish you all happiness. I'm here to talk if you feel you need to.
08/25/2012
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
It just sounds to me like there is too great a distance between your stated needs and her comfort level. Having oral, anal or using toys is one thing - but having multiple partners is a no-go zone for many.

Time for you to move on.
08/25/2012
geekkink geekkink
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Really the problem is we don't know enough about your relationship or your girlfriend's thoughts on poly relationships. I know you say you are monogamous but have you talked about non-monogamy with her at all? What was her reaction? Sometimes ... More
Yeah this is a really great point, what if she wants another man, woman, whatever. Are you ready for that? Also yes we really need more information to really be able to offer advice.
08/25/2012
Noelle Noelle
Quote:
Originally posted by playsalot
I have been with a woman who I love who doesn't do some of the things that I want to be a part of my sexlife. I would like to have more of an open relationship but she is possesive of me and doesn't want me to have sex with other people. ... More
Just fantasize, I don't want to make my husband uncomfortable if I like something and he doesn't . I wouldn't expect him to do something he wouldn't want to do and visa versa.
08/25/2012
- Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by Noelle
Just fantasize, I don't want to make my husband uncomfortable if I like something and he doesn't . I wouldn't expect him to do something he wouldn't want to do and visa versa.
Sometimes a "no way" can turn into a "yes" over time. There's no way to find out unless you discuss it. There's things both my husband and I do that we wouldn't have when we got together. Some things that one of us might have been uncomfortable with before. Not talking and just fantasizing only leads to more problems.
08/25/2012
playsalot playsalot
I don't think I can go into all the details for there is quite alot going on. When we left each other for the summer i told her i was ok with her having sex if she wanted to, she didnt feel quite the same for me. She has been very distant over the summer, part of us going different ways was to grow individualy and not only as a couple. I have told her that I want to have sex with a certain person, and that I often talk to this certain person and she was ok with me talking to her not so much me having sex with her. We have talked about poly relationships and she is not into it. I would never just expect her to do anything with me just cause I wanted to do it, I love and respect her, and what she doesnt want to do she never has to. I have started thinking that is is selfish of us as humans to expect that one human can meet all of our many needs. I think that if I don't get a little slack I will end up with my whole rope. If there are more details some one wants to help me with my situation mabey we can chat.
08/26/2012
geekkink geekkink
Quote:
Originally posted by playsalot
I don't think I can go into all the details for there is quite alot going on. When we left each other for the summer i told her i was ok with her having sex if she wanted to, she didnt feel quite the same for me. She has been very distant over ... More
Ohh she can fuck other people and you can't, that is called unfair behavior, and it's likely best you find a new girlfriend.
09/12/2012
FairyPrincess FairyPrincess
Quote:
Originally posted by playsalot
I have been with a woman who I love who doesn't do some of the things that I want to be a part of my sexlife. I would like to have more of an open relationship but she is possesive of me and doesn't want me to have sex with other people. ... More
I'm sorry that you're going through this. Just try to understand that her not wanting you to have sex with other women is not possesive or controlling, it is totally natural. So you really just need to make a choice. We all wish we could have the best of both worlds but we can't. Maybe your girl can find a compromise with time, or maybe not. Maybe being with her is worth not having your sexual fantasies fulfilled, maybe it's not. Only you can decide that.
09/12/2012
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by FairyPrincess
I'm sorry that you're going through this. Just try to understand that her not wanting you to have sex with other women is not possesive or controlling, it is totally natural. So you really just need to make a choice. We all wish we could ... More
Actually I would highly disagree that not wanting your partner to be with someone else is totally natural and we can't have the best of all worlds. I have no problem with my partners having an amazing time with someone else. It might be true to say that for some people it is their natural inclination to want to pair bond but it is decidedly NOT natural for everyone. More often than not it has it's basis in fear and jealousy not natural pair bonding.

I don't wish I could have the best of both worlds I LIVE the very best of all worlds: monogamy when I want it, polyamory when I want that, crazy monkey sex when I want that...we CAN have it all we just have to understand that it comes at a premium and be willing to pay.

Just because you tell a beloved partner that you are fine with them having other partners doesn't mean they want, need or desire said other partners. It also doesn't guarantee that she will wish you the same in return. In the end it DOES come down to a choice but not because we ALL have to make this choice but because the original poster needs to make a choice.
09/14/2012
Total posts: 17
Unique posters: 11