Do you believe that monogamy is natural or unnatural for humans?

Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by SexyStuff
I agree with Gunsmoke
Thanks SexyStuff - not many people do!
03/04/2011
Eden C. Eden C.
People are, for the most part, semi-monogamous, but we're not designed to mate for life like albatrosses.
03/06/2011
Anjulie Anjulie
For me it is very natural, but i dont think monogamy is a one size fits all. It's different for everyone.
03/06/2011
clp clp
Monogamy takes effort, it isn't just a natural thing that happens. Regardless of whether we act on impulses or not, everybody has them. There is nothing wrong with fantasy or daydreams, but it does speak to our more basic urges.
The fact that we can have serial monogamous relationships supports this. Serial dating, serial marriages. The mono- part may be culturally attached, but the fact that our feelings are fluid and can change with the wind also speak to a basic nature.
Shouldn't that make commitment that much more satisfying?
03/06/2011
aBeastlyLittleThing aBeastlyLittleThing
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
There have been studies done and there is a large population of people who do not believe that monogamy is a natural function for humans. One of the most popular reasons given is that you very rarely see monogamy in nature and since humans are ... More
science points to it being unnatural. it's unfortunate and can hurt people, but whudduyahgoondoo??
03/12/2011
ac0313 ac0313
All relationships require effort to work. Monogamy is natural for some people while polyamory is natural for others. I have tried to make my monogamous relationship work for over 24 years, but have recently realized I am not wired for that. I have started a poly relationship and have found I am happy, satisfied, and communicated far better and more frequently in the past 3 months than I probably did for the prior 20 years.
03/17/2011
tickle me pink tickle me pink
I really don't think it's either natural or unnatural. People are so different and unique that it will be different from person to person. I've always been the type of person to be completely monogamous, and I've never really felt the need to be with multiple people. But I know that there are plenty of people out there that are the exact opposite.
03/27/2011
starsNairguitars starsNairguitars
we were totally JUST talking about this is my SexPsych class--from a biologically standpoint we're programs to want to "spread our seed" as far as it can go. I also think that you have to have a lot of strength as a person to be polyamorous--and I personally don't think I have that strength
04/12/2011
tammyandy69 tammyandy69
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
@ScottA - you're completely right, that is a huge difference factor to take into account. I honestly think it's something even scientists will never fully be able to answer, but people's opinions are interesting.

@Goth - I agree ... More
I agree with both of you. We are hard wired to be polly but our minds gives the ability to choose.
04/24/2011
Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
There have been studies done and there is a large population of people who do not believe that monogamy is a natural function for humans. One of the most popular reasons given is that you very rarely see monogamy in nature and since humans are ... More
i think it is completely unnatural. and kind of weird
05/04/2011
Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
I think it's unnatural for humans to be monogamous.
05/16/2011
SexyLilPixi SexyLilPixi
This is such a tough one honestly, and I think everyone's different. I believe that by nature, I am highly monogamous. I'm also highly perfectionist, though, so it's not as easy as it sounds. Another side of nature does come out every now & then, though. When it comes to this side of the subject, I'm not a cheater, though, I'm a martyr. Tough question without an easy explanation or answer.
05/18/2011
ToyGurl ToyGurl
I feel Monogamy is natural for humans as far as marriage. Unlike most animals, we have our own sense of intelligence, emotion, etc. that causes us to become attached to that one person. You know it is natural when it is literally embedded within the laws of society. A male cannot be married to more than one woman, and a woman cannot be married to more than one man. If this was unnatural, I personally think these laws would have been changed by now.

I do know people who are in polygamous relationships, and not marriages of course. Most are on my mother's side of the family, or friends of friends. I have a good friend from work who is with a transgendered male, and a female. All together, the three of them own one apartment, sleep in a California King Sized bed, eat breakfast together, etc.

The only bad thing with their relationship is that they are constantly having jealousy issues. They can't decide on whether it is okay for two of them to go off alone and have sex, or if they should all three have sex every single time. My friend from work, Sara, is the one of the group who is constantly travelling. While she is gone she is always asking me if I can check up on Ronnie and Liz. It's quite annoying. She doesn't want them spending too much time close together without her, and openly admits this.

I personally just think that monogomous relationships are for the better. I see polygamous relationships to be more of a sexual friendship. The relationships I have seen have never lasted more than a year or two. Jealousy always takes over, and reality sets in.

I give props to those who can actually keep a relationship like that going.
05/18/2011
emiliaa emiliaa
Monogamy is definitely not natural behaviour for humans. Why would cheating even happen if that were true, let alone happen so often? Not to say that cheating is natural or good, it's horrible! Just that the urge is there, showing that we are naturally attracted to more than one person most of the time. ^_^

I have not had any polyamorous experiences yet, but my boyfriend and I decided to be open/poly a few weeks ago. I definitely enjoy the possibility of exploring other relationships even if I have yet to try it. I already feel a lot more free and natural, even though neither of us have officially had any experiences as a polyamorous couple yet.
06/05/2011
That Man from Mars That Man from Mars
I agree with the idea of it being both.

Also, not all of nature is polygamous. Many of the more intelligent species mate for life. Birds especially.
06/05/2011
newfoundlust newfoundlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Tori Rebel
There have been studies done and there is a large population of people who do not believe that monogamy is a natural function for humans. One of the most popular reasons given is that you very rarely see monogamy in nature and since humans are ... More
I think that it is un-natural, but that it is a social decision we have made because it helps keep our society from going into chaos. In addition, there are significant advantages to a stable, long term relationship for us as humans. My wife and I watched the special on Hugh Hefner this weekend. I commented at the end of the night that I feel sorry for him, as even though he has this bevy of young girls around him he does not have what we have, a committed, long term relationship that is devoted to just us. After 25 years of marriage it is better than ever, we are each other's best friends, and with all of our flaws, we still are. He doesn't have that simply bouncing from young blonde thing to the next? Instead he looks like a buffoon, and so do they.
06/06/2011
oohlookasquirrel oohlookasquirrel
I read Sex at Dawn and thought that it made a lot of sense. I think that humans, as a species in general, are not biologically wired for monogamy (until I hear significant scientific evidence otherwise). That's a generalization, though. I know there are a lot of individuals who make monogamy work for them, and I have no problem with it. I just think we need to acknowledge that we are biologically wired to want to have sex with more than one person. A lot of people end up feeling a lot of shame over the fact that they're physically attracted to people other than their one chosen partner, or they offend their partners by admitting that they have eyes for more than one human on the face of the earth.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for humans to expect monogamous behavior from their partners, if both have agreed to it. To cheat on a partner and then blame biology is a lame excuse. But I think the world would be a lot better if we all admitted that our physical bodies do not want to live in monogamous, fairy-tale lives. We want to fuck- and not just one person exclusively forever and ever.

And for the record, I have never cheated on a partner and have had no difficulty maintaining long relationships without being compelled to cheat. Never even considered it. I couldn't enjoy myself if I couldn't have my sexy adventures without my partner's blessing.
06/13/2011
Steve of Eden Steve of Eden
I think that it really just depends on the people in that relationship... I believe that monogamy and polygamy can both bring happiness... and obviously with over 6 billion humans on this planet everyone wont fit a certain lifestlye... I think this would be rare, but if you can have 3 or more people in a relationship and everyone is truely happy, why not do it? Then again, it is hard enough for 2 poeple to stay happy lol... I say worry about yourself and let everyone else do whatever they want to...

But is it natural or not? if it feels natural to you, then yeah... if it doesnt, then no... that simple lol... some will like it... some wont... but yeah, I am sure that what you are taught growing up does effect this at least a little... but some who grew up with polygamy dont choose it and some who didnt grow up with polygamy, try it... so I think if it is natural or not just depends on each individual person...
06/20/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I haven't weighed in on this topic for a while - just to let you know I'm in the we're not animals camp. We decide what to do - we're not helplessly driven to have sex with multiple partners.

It's an interesting and academic argument and I know there are plenty who disagree - but what I want to say new is that once you make a commitment to monogamy, you can't cop out and start cheating and blame it on biology. If you no longer wish to be monogamous - you have to have the cajones (yes even you ladies) to tell your partner BEFORE having sex with someone else - then it's not cheating, at lest you are honest with yourself and your partner.

Often the biology thing is just an excuse for philandering - sorry that doesn't cut it.

Why is honesty so hard for so many?
06/20/2011
Rain. Rain.
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I'm a little bothered by the concept that we are just specialized animals.

Humans have free-will and a conscience, we choose to do what we do. Using nature as an excuse for betraying a spouse is a weak defense.

If you've made a ... More
Agreed
06/22/2011
Trillian Trillian
I think it depends on the people and where they are in life. To each their own. Some are best served by pair bonding for 50 years and other exploring. Let's not judge and wish everyone the best on their paths in life.
06/22/2011
Bunnycups Bunnycups
Quote:
Originally posted by Rain.
Agreed
I also agree with Gunsmoke.
06/22/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I haven't weighed in on this topic for a while - just to let you know I'm in the we're not animals camp. We decide what to do - we're not helplessly driven to have sex with multiple partners.

It's an interesting and ... More
I have to agree with Gunsmoke on this one as well. Make an informed and well thought out decision and then have the balls to either stick with it or be honest from the get go. I am of the opinion that we are animals but we are THINKING animals and as thinking animals we can choose to be honest with ourselves and our loved ones.

I think honesty is hard because it requires faith and trust. There is the possibility of being shamed for being honest and that drives most people to justify their actions rather than owning them.
06/23/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I have to agree with Gunsmoke on this one as well. Make an informed and well thought out decision and then have the balls to either stick with it or be honest from the get go. I am of the opinion that we are animals but we are THINKING animals and as ... More
Thanks katxed, Bunnycups and Airen! It's nice to hear that moral strength and courage are valuable to many of us.
06/23/2011
kendra30752 kendra30752
To me and my partner and actually every person I know except one believes that monogamy is natural. I do believe monogamy is or shall I say WAS natural, until humans decided to go and make their own rules, have zero boundaries. God made everyone to have one partner in marriage. That's not to say he didn't expect us to have a period of learning by going through several or more partner before we learned who we were meant to be with. I was lucky enough to find mine very early in life and it's like nothing in the world, to find that person. Even after 5 years he's always saying how God truly made us for each other. He did. When we first got together he was a believer, saved and all, but didn't exactly KNOW God or know how to have a strong relationship with God and he tells people I "saved his life." I always reply with "no I didn't God did, he just used me to get to you." I believe that. When you do find the ONE (not 10) person you were made for (if you believe this way that is) then you WILL absolutely without a doubt know it and the feeling is unlike anything in the world. I'm not referring to butterflies in your stomach feeling, I'm talking about the feeling when you know you've found who God made perfectly for you... and only you.

I'm not saying this applies to all. Obviously if a person doesn't believe this way then of course it does not apply to them. It couldn't. But we live this way and enjoy it. Neither of us would want multiple partners. I know one person who's always trying to shove it down my throat that I'm stupid, in-human, etc. for believing the way I do. He's actually gone to GREAT lengths to make me believe the opposite. His reason is: It feels good, do it. Drugs feel good too, some even feel amazing, but it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I don't try to make others believe my way and I respect everyone no matter their beliefs but some like this specific person, think their job on earth is to make one person believe the way they do. I can't stand that. My partner and I are happy being monogamous and we will NEVER choose any other. We're not monogamous because we might go to hell (that's sarcasm. You wouldn't be sent to hell I'm sure!) This is how we truly want to live and people will not understand that or leave us alone about our decision. The person who is so bothered by our relationship lives in a diff country and still manages to tell us we cannot like living this way!

If you and your partner(s) are all happy in whatever relationship you choose and no one is hurting, then I don't see a problem. Choose what you truly believe in. I do AND I do not expect anyone to follow in my foot steps unless they feel the same. Otherwise, I don't bother trying to change someone. It's not my job to judge or change. I believe in acceptance and showing love.
06/23/2011
kendra30752 kendra30752
Quote:
Originally posted by Sanjay
I think humans as a whole are both to be honest. I think some humans lean a little more one way than another, but I think we do exhibit both traits overall.

I personally feel very monogamous by nature and have no desire at all to be with ... More
Wow! It's nice to hear someone else say that they too do not feel the desire to be with other people when they're deeply connected to a person. I'm that way and haven't ever had any desires what so ever for others. It's not hard for me and my partner is the same. I just hate that everyone always says it's not possible for us to only choose each other or only want each other. So many people think it's impossible. I think there's a big difference in being monogamous, but wishing you could be with other still and actually being full, 100% devoted with everything and monogamous.
06/23/2011
oohlookasquirrel oohlookasquirrel
woah woah woah, I feel like we are doing a lot of demonizing of the polyamorous here, and I have a hard time listening to it.

There are lots of people who make monogamous commitments and then go ahead and cheat. Some of those people might blame the cheating on their biological need to spread their seed. These people are jerks. They are not, however, the only people who believe that humans are not naturally monogamous. There are plenty of honest ways to sleep with more than one person in your entire life. You find partners with similar beliefs, you hammer out an agreement that works for both of you, and then you are open and honest about what goes on. You could be sleeping with other people or merely admitting that you fantasize about it, but either way, you are discussing your non-monogamous desires.

If it were natural to be monogamous, we wouldn't fantasize about non-monogamy. Whether we act on our urges to be non-monogamous is up to us, sure, and it's up to every individual to do the right thing, but our physical bodies feel the urge to sleep around, even if our human sensibilities are able to suppress those urges.

If we weren't naturally driven to sleep with multiple partners, why would we have to make laws and religious codes to reward monogamy? Everyone would naturally behave monogamously if we were naturally monogamous, just like we have laws to make us wear clothing in public and not assault people who piss us off. It is natural for humans to sleep around, walk around naked, and get into fist fights, but our laws and moral codes advise us to transcend our basic programming. There's nothing wrong with laws that require us to behave unnaturally. I'm rather happy that we have laws against assault, and nudity on public transportation, and public urination.

We can overcome our natural urges and make unnatural behaviors standard practice, and that's OK. Unnatural is not a bad word. What offends me is when people demonize my natural urges to fantasize about other people when I'm in a relationship. That is absolutely natural and nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing wrong with people who feel absolutely no non-monogamous urges either, but they should recognize that other people have natural urges to be non-monogamous, even if it's just a married woman's harmless fantasy to sleep with Captain Jack Sparrow. You can ask them to not give in to those urges, but you can't suppress them entirely. They are biologically programmed into our bodies, and we can't keep saying that only bad people feel the urge to sleep around.
06/23/2011
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by oohlookasquirrel
woah woah woah, I feel like we are doing a lot of demonizing of the polyamorous here, and I have a hard time listening to it.

There are lots of people who make monogamous commitments and then go ahead and cheat. Some of those people might ... More
There's no demonization of polyamory in my comments. I simply said if your and your partner have entered into a monogamous relationship that is how it should be. If you change your mind and decide to become poly-amorous, you owe it to your partner to tell them before having an outside intimate relationship (cheating).

It's all about honesty and disclosure.
06/23/2011
oohlookasquirrel oohlookasquirrel
What I was seeing is a lot of people speaking up in favor of monogamy by speaking against dishonesty and cheating, setting up this false "either/or" situation between monogamous people and dishonest cheaters. I know this was probably unintentional, and I didn't mean to accuse anyone of an intentional, direct attack on polyamory and other kinds of open relationships.

I just want people to realize that when somebody makes the argument that "Monogamy is natural because people who cheat on their partners are lying jerks", it implies that those who are not monogamous are cheating jerks. I see a lot of people setting up this "straw man" argument (unintentionally, most likely, because most people aren't familiar with functional, non-monogamous relationships) by arguing for monogamy because those who aren't monogamous are dishonest. When one side of a debate is praised for their honesty and courage and moral strength, it implies that the other side does not possess honesty and moral strength. By ignoring the honest, non-monogamous crowd and instead speaking against the dishonest people who fail at their promises of monogamy, you're setting up a straw man that is more easily attacked, while those in favor of honest, non-monogamy sit there confused and wonder why we're debating honesty vs. dishonesty instead of monogamy vs. non-monogamy. Yes, honesty is important, but I don't think anybody is saying that it isn't.

Again, I know it's probably unintentional, because the non-monogamous people that most of us hear about are cheaters and not honest, polyamorous people. I don't mean to accuse anybody of intentionally attacking the non-monogamous, but rather to point out that making the discussion about honesty instead of the stated topic seems to be ignoring the existence of honest non-monogamy.
06/24/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by oohlookasquirrel
What I was seeing is a lot of people speaking up in favor of monogamy by speaking against dishonesty and cheating, setting up this false "either/or" situation between monogamous people and dishonest cheaters. I know this was probably ... More
To be perfectly honest thinking and rationalizing behavior as being either good or bad is not natural...as in it's not able to be shown in nature to the extent that we see it in the human world. To say that any behavior is 'natural' for humans is a circular argument since in nature animals do what they are prompted to do without moralizing the outcome.

Successful poly folk have taken the lying and cheating behavior off the table...we are moral people regardless of the opinions and adjendas of others. We are not required to defend our decisions or actions except to those we have wronged.

Be proud of your choices and if you are happy don't let anyone make you feel like you have to justify being happy. If you are content and amazingly happy sharing your life with just one partner then God Bless you! Show that love and let it shine....but lemme clue you God doesn't hate people who believe differently than you do or have different desires/needs. That sort of thinking leads to dissatisfaction in your own heart and damages your relationship with the rest of the world and yes, even with God. If you are happy and content then show love, compassion and understanding to your fellow men and women...isn't that the message of most religions?

We will never solve this issue just as we will never truly discover whether nature or nurture informs our adult selves the most and we will never be able to discover which came first the chicken or the egg.

I would love to see, as both a priest of my faith and a polyamorous woman that this community can be happy in their own relationships and not see the need to defend those choices by attacking other's views...especially with religion or faith. It's ok to believe that you are following the dictates of your faith but let's allow that others have the right to interpret the dictates of their own faith. If your belief that you are living the way God wants you to brings you joy and peace then don't beat someone else up who disagrees, because I DO disagree that God made us to be two by two! I believe Goddess gave us a brain and free will so that we could make our own decisions. Does that make me less of a moral or trustworthy person? NO! Does it threaten your happiness and contentment in your relationship? No!

Love is not an exclusive club only available to certain people who believe only certain things. We are not meant to suffer we are meant to live joyously. You are all wonderful people who live wonderful lives...who cares if we are "Natural" or "Un-Natural" can't we just be happy and share that with each other?
06/29/2011
Total posts: 233
Unique posters: 188