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I met and started going out with an incredible guy. He was considerate, attentive, understood things about women that few guys get, and really acted like he was into me as a person. It had been a long time since I'd found anyone remotely that
I met and started going out with an incredible guy. He was considerate, attentive, understood things about women that few guys get, and really acted like he was into me as a person. It had been a long time since I'd found anyone remotely that attractive (personally as well as physically, I find those personal traits to be more important), so we started a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. Then a few weeks into that he told me that he is married, and is in an open marriage. His wife was thrilled about our new relationship and invited me over to their house, where we had a surprisingly lovely threesome. I never thought I would be into something like that, but it seemed a very natural extension of their love for each other, and I am okay with it in general. I just wondered if anyone has any helpful experience for me about this. I am kind of concerned about my role and relatively low level of personal importance in this group. Can I really be happy in a relationship where I'm literally the third wheel?
I will see if I can get my partner to answer your question, Earthmama. He is our third. From the perspective of being the wife I can say what makes our relationship work is his commitment to the relationship between myself and my husband. He was not going to be a home wrecker and he feels like if my older relationship is stable and happy then his relationship with us is also stable and happy. He draws comfort from the fact that we have been together for a long time and have experienced many of the problems that usually cause a couple to divorce.
I wouldn't underestimate your importance to the couple, though, think of this as the dating period where you begin to build a foundation for the things to come. You are just dating two people instead of one even if the wife is not as involved.
Your "role" will define itself and I remember Arch being very concerned about what his place was but after 5 years of actually being a functional triad and working toward being under one roof he is secure that he HAS a firm place in our shared lives.
We think of it this way: He isn't the third wheel, he is the third table leg and our table is now MUCH more stable and functional. Besides a tricycle is less likely to crash than a bicycle, right?