On being the "third" partner in a threesome...

earthmama earthmama
I met and started going out with an incredible guy. He was considerate, attentive, understood things about women that few guys get, and really acted like he was into me as a person. It had been a long time since I'd found anyone remotely that attractive (personally as well as physically, I find those personal traits to be more important), so we started a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. Then a few weeks into that he told me that he is married, and is in an open marriage. His wife was thrilled about our new relationship and invited me over to their house, where we had a surprisingly lovely threesome. I never thought I would be into something like that, but it seemed a very natural extension of their love for each other, and I am okay with it in general. I just wondered if anyone has any helpful experience for me about this. I am kind of concerned about my role and relatively low level of personal importance in this group. Can I really be happy in a relationship where I'm literally the third wheel?
03/17/2013
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Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by earthmama
I met and started going out with an incredible guy. He was considerate, attentive, understood things about women that few guys get, and really acted like he was into me as a person. It had been a long time since I'd found anyone remotely that ... More
I will see if I can get my partner to answer your question, Earthmama. He is our third. From the perspective of being the wife I can say what makes our relationship work is his commitment to the relationship between myself and my husband. He was not going to be a home wrecker and he feels like if my older relationship is stable and happy then his relationship with us is also stable and happy. He draws comfort from the fact that we have been together for a long time and have experienced many of the problems that usually cause a couple to divorce.

I wouldn't underestimate your importance to the couple, though, think of this as the dating period where you begin to build a foundation for the things to come. You are just dating two people instead of one even if the wife is not as involved.

Your "role" will define itself and I remember Arch being very concerned about what his place was but after 5 years of actually being a functional triad and working toward being under one roof he is secure that he HAS a firm place in our shared lives.

We think of it this way: He isn't the third wheel, he is the third table leg and our table is now MUCH more stable and functional. Besides a tricycle is less likely to crash than a bicycle, right?
03/18/2013
KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Quote:
Originally posted by earthmama
I met and started going out with an incredible guy. He was considerate, attentive, understood things about women that few guys get, and really acted like he was into me as a person. It had been a long time since I'd found anyone remotely that ... More
Overall, you need to talk to them about how they see your role in their lives. Our "third", my boyfriend, is equal to my husband. I married my husband for the health insurance. We are all peers and there is no third wheel in our relationship. That being said, I cannot guarantee that their relationship is like mine.

The best thing you can do is talk about with them honestly and openly.

I am concerned that he didn't tell you about his wife for a few weeks. I always question people that don't lead with that information.
03/18/2013
DoneWithAlltheLies DoneWithAlltheLies
The fact that he didn't so much as mention his wife until you'd already started a relationship with him should be a huge red flag. Maybe he "didn't want to scare you away" or he's new at this and "couldn't figure out how to bring it up"... but I don't care. That's absolutely no excuse and he needs to realize how inconsiderate that was. He can really hurt someone doing that.
03/18/2013
earthmama earthmama
Thanks for your responses! It is so helpful to be able to appeal to the Eden community for input. I was also concerned about the lack of honesty. He did lie to me, actually, and that isn't a good sign. They've told me they only tried this once before, so I think they are a little unsure about how to go about it. But it was a bit of a game-changer, and not very nice behavior. Basically, this is only going to work if everyone is open and honest, and he started off badly. This could be a really wonderful situation for me in many ways, but allowing the omission to stand for so long bothers me. Especially since he generally appears to put a high value on honesty in others. I think I will ask him why he waited to tell me about his marriage, and listen to both the literal answer and the answer behind the answer.
03/23/2013
Total posts: 5
Unique posters: 4