One night threesome

Naughty Student Naughty Student
I was wondering if anyone who is currently in a polyamourous relationship feel about the following.

My man has talked to me about doing a threesome with another woman and he says the woman must attract me and that would be good enough for him. It is of course a fantasy and I am curious about it. We discussed the possibility of engaging someone to do this with us however we may be looking for someone to have a threesome only once.

So my question is, do you think this is possible, to have a threesome only once, without further expectations?

Perhaps we may enjoy it and do it again. I know I am very willing and our relationship has a very good base of trust and excellent communication.
01/08/2010
  • Weekly BOGO: Accessorize for Pleasure! Buy 1 Vibrator And Ge
  • Try a luxury harness with a dildo and save 45% on a kit!
  • Get a FREE Pleasure Balm when buying OhLaLa Lingerie
  • Better Price - Save 40%
  • Better Price Sale - Save 50%
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was wondering if anyone who is currently in a polyamourous relationship feel about the following.

My man has talked to me about doing a threesome with another woman and he says the woman must attract me and that would be good enough for him. ... More
*RAISES BIG CAUTION FLAG*

I've heard the "just once" routine... More, I thought that it was possible to get the entire idea out of his system.

I now believe that for SOME people the idea of sex with others is a pretty fundamental kink/fantasy/reality. Call it what you will.

Why does he want it to be a one time event? What is sparking the interest in a threesome? How do you feel - honestly here? Why does he feel that if the sex is incredible that he won't want it again? What type of scenario is in his mind? Is he thinking of woman/woman or does he want to be an active player. If so is he imagining two women pleasing him and fucking both?

That being said...
There are some really good books. I've reviewed several of them. (I can come back to this and pull the links - tired...) Opening Up and the Ethical Slut. I recommend reading both of them before you go beyond this being a fantasy.

There are a lot of unexpected emotions that may show up.
01/09/2010
DELETED DELETED
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was wondering if anyone who is currently in a polyamourous relationship feel about the following.

My man has talked to me about doing a threesome with another woman and he says the woman must attract me and that would be good enough for him. ... More
I have done a threesome with two of my girlfriends..I know that is a little different from one guy/two girls scenario but let me tell you, once was not enough..right now, weekly we pleasure each other for several hours..In a threesome with another woman and guy, it would depend how much fun it was whether I did it more often.
01/09/2010
Miss Jane Miss Jane
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was wondering if anyone who is currently in a polyamourous relationship feel about the following.

My man has talked to me about doing a threesome with another woman and he says the woman must attract me and that would be good enough for him. ... More
I'm in a similar boat. :S
01/09/2010
Liz2 Liz2
I have been in a relationship with my b/f and a g/f. It is complicated in that my g/f also has a b/f. He is not into this at all, never joined us.
My primary relationship is with my b/f but we have a threesomes and I love doing strap-on with my g/f during our g/g play.
A word of caution.....it becomes so fucking complicated. My g/f has indicated that she believes she is a lesbian, loves me. I want to get married and raise a family, at that my g/f says we can all live together! At present, I live alone as does my b/f but my g/f lives with her b/f; go figure. Her b/f believes that she is a better lover due to her experience with me and my b/f.
Yes, I have a bi streak in me, was curious but this whole thing has gotten heavy beyond my expectations.
What does save us is that for now we are all friends and go out together.
My b/f expresses his total love for me but I know he is attracted to my g/fs big boobs and he just loves to watch us get off. But in no way sees her as a partner. He has never nor does he want to be alone with her.
The fantasy is better then the reality, with reality you have to get out of bed and go on...and this intrudes into every aspect of my (our) lives.
01/09/2010
Liz2 Liz2
Also started as just once....the first time was not too interesting but the thought was to try again and again.....
Watch porn together, it is safer and fewer consequences.
Somehow it does not feel all that good to me to be playing with my g/f while my b/f masturbates watching us. Doesn't bother me at all when he masturbates watching me during solo play.
01/09/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
As you can see DBD is on the right track, it's complicated and has the potential to be the worst decision of your lives, or the best, or somewhere in between.

Yes it is possible for this to be a one and done proposition but you can't unring the bell. If you are going to open yourselves up to the possibility of others in your relationship you need to have discussed and feel comfortable with the inevitable changes that are going to occur. If you make one fantasy come true and one or both of you have a really good time it's going to make the next fantasy seem doable as well, can you handle that?

Does he understand that once means ONCE? Most people are more willing to cheat or push relentlessly once they have broken down that initial barrier. This is what happened to DBD and myself, we gave in. Don't do this unless you are wanting to be in a threesome. If you cannot enthusiastically say "YES PLEASE" then try some other avenues like shared roleplay, watching porn and other creative alternatives. If he cannot say the same then table it for the sake of your relationship.

For the love of little green apples take it SLOOOOOW, find the right person to share this experience with and get to know them. I knew our current life partner for three years before he and I did anything and then it was two more years before we did anything as a triad. All three parties must be ready for this to be a good experience. Even in a one and done proposition you must remember that this is a person with real feelings, not a toy to share with your partner and then leave behind. In my experience even if the person claims that is what she wants it is the RARE individual (think unicorn) that can manage an intense sexual experience and walk away never to return.
There are going to be feelings flying all around and it isn't going to be like in the movies or in your heads (watch Nina's video if you don't believe me!). She is going to want to know she is valued and you may need to talk to her about it afterward, so be open to that possibility. Lemme tell ya there is nothing more intoxicating than being able to talk about your mate with someone who has shared that intimate experience with you both.
Liz2 is also right, the first time with a new lover can be awkward and not as much fun, though it will never again have that innocent quality (as long as all three of you are enthusiastic and comitted to the experience).

This is a loaded, emotionally charged proposition and the real reason most of us who are "wired" for polyamory do not recommend "partial monogamy". You might try looking into any swingers groups in the area get to know the participants, that way if it does become something more than a one time deal you have a safe place to play. I would seriously recommend you both finding a hobby you enjoy together other than sex, you want to be as close to your partner as is humanly possible before adding a possible third person to the mix and even a shared night of tv (regularly) can make this transition easier.

Good luck to you both and I hope you have taken the cautions and suggestions here to heart. None of us want to see someone else suffer from what should be a lovely, loving experience.
~Airen
01/09/2010
Dragon Dragon
My reality check...

I am married. We started dating in 88, married in 91. Were completely monogamous until about 5 years ago. Very strong close relationship and great ability to communicate. For me, it was a long term subtle but insistent pressure.

Our relationship isn't one either one of us wants to end, but we've gone through emotional hell at times.

And truly fantastic sex.

Read some of the stories collected here Beyond Monogamy

and something I wrote...
"You asked me what I missed...
And my gut reaction was "Anything that I say, can and will be used against me."
Tension. Before I even think of the answer. I'm worried about you feeling threatened. Worried about you saying, "but I can do that" or distressed because you don't feel as if you can.

You like to hike. To the end of the road. Let's just see what's beyond the next corner or the next hill. A desire to keep going, a desire to know. It's there.

I miss dancing, being sexy, being watched. Knowing that we can cross the limits that others set. Knowing that if someone has the confidence to approach- there are many, many different levels at which I can respond.

I love the wildness of picking someone up from a bar/club and seeing where it would go. Lack of rules.

I love the interaction with someone completely unknown. Not knowing what they will do or how sex will go. Not knowing what they will want.

I love interacting with sexually alive, open and willing people. People that are no afraid of their passions, who are willing to explore or have different perspectives.

I love the threesomes that we've had. The great sex with you there. The great sex when you aren't there (rare though it was..)

What I think that you really want to know is why I want sex with one person… I'm completely relaxed with my sexuality. I'm willing to explore, learn and gamble. I'm willing to accept what works and look for more of what works really well. I like the gamble. The excitement. The mix of unknown, fear, submission, power/control, games give/take. The ability to trust an individual and see where it goes.

I enjoy sex, and enjoy that I can relax and it can just be different. I enjoy the uniqueness of a given individual and how their mind works, how their body works. I like that I fit at some level with some individuals and there is no emotional issues. I like being intrigued by different people's thoughts and want to see what their reality looks like.

I want to be worn out and challenged when there aren't emotional issues involved. I want to feel someone challenge me from their perspective of my limits against their own. I want to relax into the knowledge of someone that knows more than I do. I miss finding more depths of my own sexuality from different experiences.

I want the colors of living life fully alive. Not merely muted or pastels. I want to take the risks.. Is there a cost to pay for pleasure? Perhaps. Perhaps we have already paid it, but I am still yours. Always.

I miss how high I am sexually when I come back to you."

- Never mind what I feel daily sometimes and what I struggle to rebuild. He's insecure and threatened now. Sex is something we have to work out. That was coming, part of why I resisted so much for so long. And I feel some responsibility to others...
01/09/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
My reality check...

I am married. We started dating in 88, married in 91. Were completely monogamous until about 5 years ago. Very strong close relationship and great ability to communicate. For me, it was a long term subtle but insistent ... More
Keep talking DBD eventually he'll hear you, or maybe he already has. It took me loving Arch to be able to finally hear Sigel, your husband just needs a point of reference for it all to fit together. Keep loving him where he is while encouraging him along this difficult road, eventually you'll find him taking the lead and comforting you. Who knows, maybe like Sigel you'll even get the appology your soul is crying for. At the very least you'll be heard and true understanding will blossom and flourish.

What you wrote could have been Sigel desperately reaching out to me. All I can say is keep going there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

~Airen
01/09/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
*RAISES BIG CAUTION FLAG*

I've heard the "just once" routine... More, I thought that it was possible to get the entire idea out of his system.

I now believe that for SOME people the idea of sex with others is a pretty ... More
Honestly, I just assumed he would want it only one time. I have told him I would be worried baout him leaving me for the other girl although we have been together 5 years and thus far have been in a good communicative relationship with mutual respect.

If he does want it again then I would be super happy (in theory) to do it again but as long as I am present and enjoying myself too. The scenario in his mind is that the girl and I enjoy each other and that after a while he joins in. So, it would be interesting to see him with another woman and I sort of would like him to try things with someone else seeing as when we met he was a virgin. I am open enough and very willing but if ever there was something I wouldnt want him to do that would be kissing. I don't know if that is weird but to me its very intamite, lol.

I have my own desires if we had a threesome including using a strap on that I dont have. Or a crazy squirting extravaganza.

I am just concerened that if ever we do follow through that I will become jealous.
01/09/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
I have been in a relationship with my b/f and a g/f. It is complicated in that my g/f also has a b/f. He is not into this at all, never joined us.
My primary relationship is with my b/f but we have a threesomes and I love doing strap-on with my ... More
I would want it to be a short term experience since I live across the content from where I am currently staying so I can't really have anything long term. Bcs I can see potential problems arising by building a relationship with the partner beyond the bedroom.
01/09/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
As you can see DBD is on the right track, it's complicated and has the potential to be the worst decision of your lives, or the best, or somewhere in between.

Yes it is possible for this to be a one and done proposition but you can't ... More
Thanks so much for your input I really value what everyone has said. It is very helpful.

I think it would be a good idea for my lover and I to meet people who have threesomes and meet the third partner and see how the relationship is for them. I don't think my lover is interested in having a polyamorous lifestyle (sometimes I wish we did...) since we have talked about marriage and children and he is not that open sexually enough to openly say that he has two girlfriends to his family, etc. I am not sure I am expressing myself correctly but from my understanding when we talk of our future it doesnt include an extra person.
01/09/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Honestly, I just assumed he would want it only one time. I have told him I would be worried baout him leaving me for the other girl although we have been together 5 years and thus far have been in a good communicative relationship with mutual ... More
*If he does want it again then I would be super happy (in theory) to do it again but as long as I am present and enjoying myself too. *

You need to discuss this with him in point blank terms...I started with my husband down this road and he simply assumed that it was ok to sleep with this person whenever they wanted to. You must be clear on your expectations and desires so that you can reach a workable compromise. You must also be clear after the experience as to whether you enjoyed it and whether you would be up for another try. Be aware that if he IS interested and you are not it will cause some resentment on his part regardless of how mellow and loving he is, it's just a natural reaction. Sex releases such a cocktail of intoxicating hormones that either or both of you might crave the experience again...just be aware of this ahead of time and plan for the possibilities as much as possible.
01/09/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Thanks so much for your input I really value what everyone has said. It is very helpful.

I think it would be a good idea for my lover and I to meet people who have threesomes and meet the third partner and see how the relationship is for ... More
Ummm just to play Devil's Advocate, marriage and children don't rule out polyamory. I am married and I have two children with one man and one with the other...
01/09/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Thanks so much for your input I really value what everyone has said. It is very helpful.

I think it would be a good idea for my lover and I to meet people who have threesomes and meet the third partner and see how the relationship is for ... More
To be honest not many poly people start out thinking that they would be involved with more than one partner. Our life partner started out a virgin (in every way...he hadn't even been kissed)and devout Catholic to boot! Love, however, changed his mind, this might happen for your guy as well.
01/09/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Ummm just to play Devil's Advocate, marriage and children don't rule out polyamory. I am married and I have two children with one man and one with the other...
Lol, I know I thought of that as I wrote it.
01/10/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
*If he does want it again then I would be super happy (in theory) to do it again but as long as I am present and enjoying myself too. *

You need to discuss this with him in point blank terms...I started with my husband down this road and he ... More
I would definately engage in a clear cut conversation of what I expect and what I want to avoid and if we do have this experience one day I would have no problem voicing my desires or things I don't want as it is followed through so to speak.

We have discussed what we wanted to do what I would feel comfortable with. He knows pretty well. I do think that he will need to be reminded though.
01/10/2010
Liz2 Liz2
We knew each other prior to becoming sexually involved. As I said before the first time was "awkward" but it has grown. We did discuss what we were open to, my g/f wanted anal sex from a guy (wasn't successful with her b/f) my b/f brought her around with my encouragement. End result was her b/f was thrilled...
The future is the issue, a poly life style is too much fucking work. I can't see us all living together as my g/f wants to do. She doesn't want to come out as a lesbian as she has a decent position in a very conservative field and she feels her sexual identity could be a career breaker for her.
Am I jealous of my g/f or b/f? No, as we know the boundaries and he will play hard but her pussy is off limits to his cock as per her wishes. I have empathy for my g/f as she wants more alone time with me and I rather have the three of us play. I do enjoy getting pounded by her from her strap-on but it will never replace a real cock for me. I also feel for her b/f though he has never played with us.
Do I regret getting started? No! I feel I have grown through our mutual experiences, I am more in love with my b/f then ever, sex with him is even more satisfying and he says I am a high maintenance girl.
The sex from our threesome has been good most of the time but we always have to get up and face real life.
This is a long way of saying that one time doesn't make it anymore then one time sex is just awesome, it grows and builds from the past.
Parameters and boundaries can become clouded by sex.
01/10/2010
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Honestly, I just assumed he would want it only one time. I have told him I would be worried baout him leaving me for the other girl although we have been together 5 years and thus far have been in a good communicative relationship with mutual ... More
Have you heard of Dossie Easton? Look her up. I know her personally at the moment, and she's offered some very good and clear advice.

1. Set agreements. These can include anything from what you can do, to what you can't do, who you can see, etc but mostly they mean communication. If you are at a party and your BF is talking to someone set agreements about what you want to do if you want to leave. "OK. Five minutes, let me get this new friends phone number, etc."

2. Set the ways that you can offer reassurance that you are there, that you care, and that you love each other. In the midst of emotions these might be the little things - a cup of tea, a backrup, making the bed. NOT a huge emotional declaration "I'm going to love you forever, I love sex with you better than anyone else and I won't ever look at someone else." Especially if you're pissed or emotional yourself because of something someone might have done.

3. Figure out the ways to take care of yourself. Don't automatically dump on your partner. Feelings like to be heard, but some times you need to pick a time. Not the middle of the night when you're feeling the most insecure.

4. Agree on times to listen. Sometimes just listen for three minutes at a time.

5. You can't really set rules to prevent your own feelings - such as jealousy. That prevents some of the naturalness of the situation and gets really complicated. You really need to look beyond the "why" it bothers you and understand it. Nobody else is making you feel "jealous." (or anything else.) Ask for reassurance if you need it.
01/10/2010
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Honestly, I just assumed he would want it only one time. I have told him I would be worried baout him leaving me for the other girl although we have been together 5 years and thus far have been in a good communicative relationship with mutual ... More
I thought it would be one time. MMF. Then we went into a huge tailspin eventually because he announced that we needed to even everything and he needed to experience what it was like to sleep with another woman. Only it wasn't easy for him to meet someone.
01/10/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Such a loaded issue innit? Seems simple but gets complicated very quickly!
01/10/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Alright, so I talked it over with my man and he was surprised how sertious I was about it. He told me that to him it is just a fantasy and that it wasnt neccessary to act it out. We talked about a polyamorous lifestyle and he thought it was weird (bless his ignorant little heart...lol). I think he likes the idea but not as much as I do.

Its complicated bcs I would like to try it but I think my emotions would get the best of me.

So we decided to leave it at that. A fantasy (for now). I will defintaly look back to this post if ever we do decide to go ahead with a threesome, since there is a lot of helpful advice. Thank you so much for having helped me and my partner. It really helped me see more clearly that it is not cut out perfect like in the fantasy I have in my mind.
01/11/2010
NuMe NuMe
All I can add is one more "Be Very Careful!!!"

I've actually avoided this thread until tonight. And reading it just stirred up old wounds. Those wounds were created about 23 years ago. So, yeah, they don't easily go away. They don't hurt as much as they once did but they still sting a bit. Reading what some others have said can and have gone wrong just makes me still a bit shaky inside.

I can't tell you how to do this the right way. I would not be the person to ask. I guess for some it is ok and that's fine. But for us, it was all handled wrong and I got hurt in the mix. As you can probably tell, this was not a positive experience for me, and neither were the reprecussions of all the after effects that still haunt me now and then.

I do want to add that I also was very slowly subtly talked into this. It is not something that I would have thought of on my own. I guess, for me, that kind of adds to the pain and feeling of betrayal. Yes I was a willing participant, but in a way I wasn't.
01/11/2010
Dragon Dragon
You know, Airen is about one of three couples that I know that survived intact. I know of a lot that have broken up. I was very active on a sexual blogs a few years back. I know Newme's story and it isn't that pretty. They started for the wrong reasons.

I was pushed, and we've dealt with that. We are still together - monogamous now. The issues we have aren't because of threesomes. I was trying to avoid threesomes because of them.

IT IS NOT EASY, if you want to keep the relationship. Possible, but not easy.
01/11/2010
NuMe NuMe
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
You know, Airen is about one of three couples that I know that survived intact. I know of a lot that have broken up. I was very active on a sexual blogs a few years back. I know Newme's story and it isn't that pretty. They started for the ... More
Yep and I am glad to say that we're still together and monogamous now as well.
01/11/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
I don't think Sigel and I could go back to being monogamous we just aren't wired that way and I like the happier person he is these days. He is so much calmer now that he knows he can come home and share his day fully without feeling like he has to censor everything. I love the fact that I have two men sharing my life and I don't want to change that. Even if this doesn't work out and one or both of the guys walk away I will probably still identify as poly and prefer the freedom.

In the beginning Sigel felt he HAD to coerce me into joining him on his excursions, thankfully he has learned that if he stops pushing I can then decdide to join him willingly and enthusiastically. He has learned to appreciate the difference oddly enough from Arch. An enthusiastic partner makes the experience so much more...
01/11/2010
Bryce Miller Bryce Miller
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was wondering if anyone who is currently in a polyamourous relationship feel about the following.

My man has talked to me about doing a threesome with another woman and he says the woman must attract me and that would be good enough for him. ... More
I believe a threesome is ok as long as your spouse is always involved and/or they're partipating.......it eliminates all the future mind games of wondering how great it really was for them.....
04/24/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Bryce Miller
I believe a threesome is ok as long as your spouse is always involved and/or they're partipating.......it eliminates all the future mind games of wondering how great it really was for them.....
The problem is it doesn't eliminate or even lessen the future mind games to have your partner there during an "encounter". The questions change and if you aren't prepared your mind will convince you of the damndest things. I had convinced myself that Sigel couldn't have sex with me without fantasizing about other women...I never ASKED him if he fantasized about other women or why he brought up threesomes during sex I just assumed the worst and then acted on it. The truth was so much more devastating to me: He brought up these fantasies because having sex with me was so amazing that he needed something shocking to "slow things down" for him. If I had asked him we wouldn't have ripped and torn each other apart for YEARS over my assumptions. It would have opened the door to him being able to talk openly and freely to overcome some of his erroneous beliefs about me (he thought I was frigid and unable to discuss sex let alone talk openly and candidly about toys for instance). Having your partner there with you in a threesome (or moresome) doesn't end speculation about how much they enjoyed, or even how much you believe they are telling you the truth about their feelings.

A threesome is ok when all three participants are saying a sober, enthusiastic, and 100% certain "OH YES!" It is ok when all three participants are clear about boundaries, and have discussed compromises. It's ok when all the participants are eager, relaxed and excited. It won't stop the fears and jealousies but if you are openly communicating it will lessen the impact of these negative feelings.
04/27/2010
Elodie Elodie
"A threesome is ok when all three participants are saying a sober, enthusiastic, and 100% certain "OH YES!" It is ok when all three participants are clear about boundaries, and have discussed compromises. It's ok when all the participants are eager, relaxed and excited. It won't stop the fears and jealousies but if you are openly communicating it will lessen the impact of these negative feelings."

I believe that's true of all sex. 100% every time, be completely honest with yourself and your partner/s, be open, communicate, feel free to say "stop" at ANY point, etc. So many people have a hard time with this when there are just two people involved.
04/27/2010
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Bryce Miller
I believe a threesome is ok as long as your spouse is always involved and/or they're partipating.......it eliminates all the future mind games of wondering how great it really was for them.....
So naive.. You have no idea how many people get pressured into threesomes- even slowly.
04/27/2010
  • 1
  • 2
Total posts: 36
Unique posters: 14