My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters. He had a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest daughter because I was told that because I was diabetic that it could endanger my life to have another child. This was an overreaction and not true but Sigel is a monster when it comes to my health. We have regretted that decision for years, as my Uncle assured us that the real problem with my second pregnancy was the fact that I only waited 9 months before getting pregnant again. My body was not healed nor strong enough to be healthy enough to try again. It takes up to 3 years for the body to be fully healed after childbirth!
Fast forward 11 years to a time where we are financially stable and now the longing for a child sets in for Sigel as well as for myself. We had settled our relationship and decided that an open relationship is the most satisfying way for us to go. We are firmly committed to being the best parents and people we can be for our children and it seemed to be unhealthy for us to pretend to be something we weren't...namely monogamous. Sneaking around and setting rigid boundaries just isn't our style, we are more happy discussing and adapting so we worked on presenting a ethical and responsible attitude to sex and love for our girls.
We met Arch and over a period of three years the relationship between Arch and myself grew deeper and more meaningful. It was obvious to Sigel that he was a good man and though younger than us by 14 years he just "fit". It wasn't as obvious to me! I was still trying to do the "right" thing by Arch since he was so young and hadn't ever experienced much of life...an attitude he very quickly took me to task for! He knew what he wanted and for a Catholic boy he made a startling decision to pursue me if it wouldn't cause problems in my marriage. He never wanted to be a home-wrecker besides which the love my husband and I have for each other makes him happy to witness and be part of. We grew closer and closer and through a series of visits back and forth we carved something unique and satisfying for all of us!
We had discussed children but never seriously and since I had always had trouble getting pregnant without help (we had to use a basal thermometer to conceive our first and our second was a hormonal fluke) we didn't worry much. Then it happened I got pregnant!
All through the nine months we were elated and apprehensive, would the baby be ok? How would this change our relationship? What living arrangements would we make? How would society treat our child and us?
Turns out that the hardest thing we have faced is some border guards who were complete assholes (Arch is Canadian and apparently they are beating down the doors to illegally emmigrate to the US!). We had a rough time while the two guys tried to work out their respective places in our son's life. Arch is his father, no question about that! He pays for his daily needs (diapers, formula, clothes ect.) and Sigel pays for his other needs such as shelter. Still he felt at a loss as to what he should be called or how he should explain his relationship to this child. Then we realized he is Michael's step-father!
The thing that amazes me is people accept this explanation without question and don't question that Michael's father is involved in his life but if we say simply that Arch is our partner and Michael's father then they begin to fear for Michael's future! It boggles the mind...the relationship is still the same but since Sigel is his step-father it's perfectly ok for Arch to be around! The fact that we have a loving and richly supportive three way relationship is sick and wrong but if I slept with Arch to simply get a child from him...that's fine and dandy! Oh and it's ok to occasionally sleep with Arch after the birth because...well that part wasn't explained to me actually, I blame it on the fatigue of having a newborn that I never asked for clarification.
Still this journey has been a wonderful one so far even with the separation and heartache of having to put Arch back on that blasted plane. It is our hope that he will be reunited with us very soon and legally to boot. I miss him terribly and I know even at only one month old Michael misses him as well, he looks for him every night when we talk on Skype.
Still for all the problems I wouldn't trade this experience for anything! I just hope that one day it won't be such a shock to people that we chose nonmonogamy. Then again I've been pagan for over 20 years and still people look at me and ask what a pagan is...