Poly with children

Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Just as I thought we had all this poly stuff worked out we added a new dynamic to the mix.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters. He had a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest daughter because I was told that because I was diabetic that it could endanger my life to have another child. This was an overreaction and not true but Sigel is a monster when it comes to my health. We have regretted that decision for years, as my Uncle assured us that the real problem with my second pregnancy was the fact that I only waited 9 months before getting pregnant again. My body was not healed nor strong enough to be healthy enough to try again. It takes up to 3 years for the body to be fully healed after childbirth!

Fast forward 11 years to a time where we are financially stable and now the longing for a child sets in for Sigel as well as for myself. We had settled our relationship and decided that an open relationship is the most satisfying way for us to go. We are firmly committed to being the best parents and people we can be for our children and it seemed to be unhealthy for us to pretend to be something we weren't...namely monogamous. Sneaking around and setting rigid boundaries just isn't our style, we are more happy discussing and adapting so we worked on presenting a ethical and responsible attitude to sex and love for our girls.

We met Arch and over a period of three years the relationship between Arch and myself grew deeper and more meaningful. It was obvious to Sigel that he was a good man and though younger than us by 14 years he just "fit". It wasn't as obvious to me! I was still trying to do the "right" thing by Arch since he was so young and hadn't ever experienced much of life...an attitude he very quickly took me to task for! He knew what he wanted and for a Catholic boy he made a startling decision to pursue me if it wouldn't cause problems in my marriage. He never wanted to be a home-wrecker besides which the love my husband and I have for each other makes him happy to witness and be part of. We grew closer and closer and through a series of visits back and forth we carved something unique and satisfying for all of us!

We had discussed children but never seriously and since I had always had trouble getting pregnant without help (we had to use a basal thermometer to conceive our first and our second was a hormonal fluke) we didn't worry much. Then it happened I got pregnant!
All through the nine months we were elated and apprehensive, would the baby be ok? How would this change our relationship? What living arrangements would we make? How would society treat our child and us?

Turns out that the hardest thing we have faced is some border guards who were complete assholes (Arch is Canadian and apparently they are beating down the doors to illegally emmigrate to the US!). We had a rough time while the two guys tried to work out their respective places in our son's life. Arch is his father, no question about that! He pays for his daily needs (diapers, formula, clothes ect.) and Sigel pays for his other needs such as shelter. Still he felt at a loss as to what he should be called or how he should explain his relationship to this child. Then we realized he is Michael's step-father!

The thing that amazes me is people accept this explanation without question and don't question that Michael's father is involved in his life but if we say simply that Arch is our partner and Michael's father then they begin to fear for Michael's future! It boggles the mind...the relationship is still the same but since Sigel is his step-father it's perfectly ok for Arch to be around! The fact that we have a loving and richly supportive three way relationship is sick and wrong but if I slept with Arch to simply get a child from him...that's fine and dandy! Oh and it's ok to occasionally sleep with Arch after the birth because...well that part wasn't explained to me actually, I blame it on the fatigue of having a newborn that I never asked for clarification.

Still this journey has been a wonderful one so far even with the separation and heartache of having to put Arch back on that blasted plane. It is our hope that he will be reunited with us very soon and legally to boot. I miss him terribly and I know even at only one month old Michael misses him as well, he looks for him every night when we talk on Skype.

Still for all the problems I wouldn't trade this experience for anything! I just hope that one day it won't be such a shock to people that we chose nonmonogamy. Then again I've been pagan for over 20 years and still people look at me and ask what a pagan is...
12/30/2009
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Sir Sir
Yeah, I agree with that. There needs to come a time, soon, where people do not look at couples (relationships) of more than two people as something wrong or "bad for the child." What children need is love, no matter how the parents look, what they're interested in sexually, or who their partners are. Children need to be treated right, they need to be taken care of. And if the child's parents are in an open or polygamous relationship, then that doesn't mean that the child is not getting the proper treatment it needs or deserves.
12/30/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Just as I thought we had all this poly stuff worked out we added a new dynamic to the mix.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters. He had a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest daughter because I was told that because I was diabetic ... More
Just realized that htis post sounds more like a blog than a forum article

~Airen
01/09/2010
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Just realized that htis post sounds more like a blog than a forum article

~Airen
S'ok. It's a good reminder of who lives poly successfully and can offer real advice.
01/09/2010
Owl Identified Owl Identified
I love this! Thank you so much for sharing, have you thought of perhaps writing an article for SexIs about this experience? It's a really wonderful story. I honestly think the only negative effect poly parental relationships have on children is that one day they'll have to reconcile their lived experiences (which in this case were quite healthy and happy) with what they'll hear from others and see in the media in regards to polyamory (which will probably be negative and deviant). This is also the case with children with queer parents, but even children of interracial couples have to deal with this. Come to think of it...a LOT of children do.

I always think it's funny that people are so worried about raising everyone else's children and making judgments instead of raising their own children and judging their own parenting style.
01/09/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
I would love to write about my experiences...I do have a blog where I do just that actually. I have finally gotten past those dreaded first posts and I'm in the groove so to speak. I am a prolific writer, which goes with my motor mouth LOL

For those interested here is my blog link it is just a collection of answers to questions that people commonly ask me and an indepth look at the answers.

~Airen
01/09/2010
Bellastorme Bellastorme
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Just as I thought we had all this poly stuff worked out we added a new dynamic to the mix.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters. He had a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest daughter because I was told that because I was diabetic ... More
I was going to ask you if you were pagan. Until just a few minutes ago I had no clue what poly was. I never heard of it, but I think its me. I feel about the same and being pagan has alot to do with it. Because I believe in reincarnation I can not limit my self to just loving one sex and most animals in nature are not monogamous and I believe humans are not. I think the divorce rate proves that. Love is infinite so why is it hard for others to believe? I just always said we had an open relationship but now I think I need to do some reading. I really don't need a term to defy myself but it would be nice to know. Thank you so much -Belle-
01/26/2010
Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I would love to write about my experiences...I do have a blog where I do just that actually. I have finally gotten past those dreaded first posts and I'm in the groove so to speak. I am a prolific writer, which goes with my motor mouth LOL ... More
Wow! You have been writing...
01/26/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Wow! You have been writing...
LOL I found I had a lot to say. Seriously though it gives me a place to ponder out these questions and it also gives me a place to talk out my feelings/issues where the guys can read it when they want. Gives us non-threatening conversations about some touchy subjects.

Yes Belle I am Pagan. I've been Wiccan for about 21 years While I hesitate to lump humans into a not naturally monogamous catagory (humans have the unique ability to decide for themselves rather than relying on nature alone to pair bond and be happy) it is true to say that pair bonding is not prevalent in nature. It is, however, workable in nature so it isn't unnatural for humans to be monogamous. It takes work, either way, to remain happy and properly stimulated in any sort of love arrangement. Willingness to do this work will result in a happy, harmonious bond regardless of the number of participants. Every one simply needs to be on the same page, so to speak.

Love is infinite this is true and our faith makes this truth manifest. Our Gods love fully and experience wholeness through the experiencing of all Her parts. We accept this as fact but at the same time our Gods also practice monogamy when it furthers knowledge and enriches experiential living. So to say that as a pagan we are compelled to polyamory is to deny the whole circle of life. Remember that the altar is representative of the whole cosmos (as above so below...) so we have Goddess on the left, God on the right and a whole world of experience in between them. There is a place in the pagan faiths for monogamy, polyamory, nonmonogamy (both responsible and irresponsible), celebacy, GLBT loves as well as any other manifestation of love both positive and negative.

I do recommend that you read all you can about the ups and downs of both monogamy and polyamory before you make a decision, same as I recommend research and self examination when deciding on a religious path. In the end there is no "right" or "wrong" path in life or in love, it all ends up at the same place in the end. Blessings on your search,
~Airen
01/29/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Just as I thought we had all this poly stuff worked out we added a new dynamic to the mix.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters. He had a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest daughter because I was told that because I was diabetic ... More
Airen, your son is being loved and cared for, he has the luck of having THREE loving parents as well as two siblings! Why our society looks at anything other than The Status Quo as the "only way" to do things astounds me.

I work with new mothers all the time, and often don't see the devotion and dedication from a het/mono couple that the three of you have for little Micheal. He's lucky to have all of you loving him.

I am assuming that Arch has been returned from Canada since this was first written, right? I hope so. You all seem so happy together.
07/14/2010
PassionQT PassionQT
My husband and I are also open and he has been in a long-term relationship with another man for about 1 year. He comes to visit us and stays in the guest bedroom. The kids and I both enjoy his company. As for me, I have no one else and don't care for more being more than just friends, but I do love and appreciate those that are close to me. I believe polyamory can work, but it isn't for everyone.
07/14/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Airen, your son is being loved and cared for, he has the luck of having THREE loving parents as well as two siblings! Why our society looks at anything other than The Status Quo as the "only way" to do things astounds me.

I work ... More
Actually we are visiting him right now. He is so loving being a Daddy and he's FINALLY seen the light and decided to go to school to learn to do what he's always loved...he's a true computer geek.
Sigel loves Michael as though he were his own son and I've watched the two men go on and on about him just like Sigel and I did when our first born was an infant, it's amazing. Michael has two sisters who are besotted with him and he has them firmly wrapped around his finger! My "middle" child doesn't have middle child issues cause she's still her Daddy's baby. It's been quite an adjustment but he's brought so much into our lives that it's mind boggling. I will probably be blogging on EC about the experience in the near future cause it's just crazy the amount of joy and positive change he's brought to us.
If all goes as planned in three years Arch will have the degree in his hawt little hand and be ready to join us in the US...legally. If not well then I might just marry him and make a honest man of him. My relationship with Sigel is forever and we've come to realize that a piece of paper doesn't make us want to be together or want to stay together. But we're gonna give Arch a chance to do this for himself, we feel we owe him that much.
Atthis point we are all working toward being in one house but we're also growing and becomming the people we were meant to be, and we're content with that.
07/17/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by PassionQT
My husband and I are also open and he has been in a long-term relationship with another man for about 1 year. He comes to visit us and stays in the guest bedroom. The kids and I both enjoy his company. As for me, I have no one else and don't ... More
Quite right it isn't for everyone, then again there isn't really anything that is one size fits all in life. If it works, GREAT! If not then CHANGE IT!
07/17/2010
Unconventional Unconventional
It seems like our biggest problems with raising kids in a polyamorus household are all external. My husband's ex has made our lives very difficult, stating when we return to the states, we will not be subjecting "her" daughter to our "freak hippie commune". Personally, I think the three of us (who have been together for two years) provide a much more stable structure than her bringing men into and out of her daughter's life on a monthly basis. I'd much rather my children have three parents who get along and are calm, communicative, and understanding, over a hostile and vengeful parent who puts her own bitterness ahead of her child's well-being.

Luckily, our families have all gotten over the initial shock and we are able to all attend family gatherings without feeling totally awkward. Our children have three sets of extended families who all love them, and it's wonderful. Though I have noticed that the ex shares the same philosophy as many other people we've run across. I had a woman on another board say if her kids ever met my children, she hoped her kids would slap them. Really? What have my children ever done other than be cared for by their parents? People see this type of relationship as child abuse, once you add kids into the mix. I could go on, but this is getting long, lol.
10/15/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Actually we are visiting him right now. He is so loving being a Daddy and he's FINALLY seen the light and decided to go to school to learn to do what he's always loved...he's a true computer geek.
Sigel loves Michael as though he were ... More
Aw, honey, it's so sweet. (I feel bad, for some reason I missed this the first time you posted it. Just saw it now.)

Blessings to you and your lovely family. I hope for the day when you can all be together.
10/16/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Unconventional
It seems like our biggest problems with raising kids in a polyamorus household are all external. My husband's ex has made our lives very difficult, stating when we return to the states, we will not be subjecting "her" daughter to our ... More
Intolerance is one of humanity's worst traits. You said: "I had a woman on another board say if her kids ever met my children, she hoped her kids would slap them. OMG. She's hoping her children will turn violent and she thinks you are the one with problems?

I will not understand this kind of hate if I live to be 100.

When children live in a loving home, and what they live is healthy and tolerant it's good for all.

Blessings to you and your family as well.
10/16/2010
Unconventional Unconventional
Yeah, that was the first and last time I opened my mouth about my lifestyle on Baby Center. I actually started my own private Polyamory group on there because it's such a hot topic. I completely agree with everything you said though. She actually got a lot of backlash from that statement and was reported by a few of the people reading the thread. Intolerance has always been a problem and as long as humans exist I doubt it will ever go away.
10/17/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Unconventional
Yeah, that was the first and last time I opened my mouth about my lifestyle on Baby Center. I actually started my own private Polyamory group on there because it's such a hot topic. I completely agree with everything you said though. She ... More
Babycenter. (shivers) A hotbed of both Intolerance and the home of the most intolerant women going, "Don't judge me! So, what if I lock my toddler in his room, with Mountain Dew in his bottle, so I can clean and watch my game shows? BTW, you're a sicko for breastfeeding until your kid was, like, one year old. Gross. I hope DCFS takes your kids away." (Did I get it right?)

Ug. You're going to be much happier here, Unconventional.

(P'Gell shudders again at the thought of Babycenter.)
10/17/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Unconventional
Yeah, that was the first and last time I opened my mouth about my lifestyle on Baby Center. I actually started my own private Polyamory group on there because it's such a hot topic. I completely agree with everything you said though. She ... More
Babycenter. (shivers) A hotbed of both Intolerance and the home of the most intolerant women going, "Don't judge me! So, what if I lock my toddler in his room, with Mountain Dew in his bottle, so I can clean and watch my game shows? BTW, you're a sicko for breastfeeding until your kid was, like, one year old. Gross. I hope DCFS takes your kids away." (Did I get it right?)

Ug. You're going to be much happier here, Unconventional.

(P'Gell shudders again at the thought of Babycenter.)
10/17/2010
Unconventional Unconventional
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Babycenter. (shivers) A hotbed of both Intolerance and the home of the most intolerant women going, "Don't judge me! So, what if I lock my toddler in his room, with Mountain Dew in his bottle, so I can clean and watch my game shows? BTW, ... More
Bahaha, seriously! My favorite one today was a woman posting that breastfeeding was worse than formula feeding because of all the chemicals we put into our bodies. It's so asinine on so many different levels I didn't know where to start. So I left and came back here, haha.
10/18/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Unconventional
It seems like our biggest problems with raising kids in a polyamorus household are all external. My husband's ex has made our lives very difficult, stating when we return to the states, we will not be subjecting "her" daughter to our ... More
Oh for goodness sake you are living in a three parent household not a hippie commune, there's nothing wrong with a hippie commune but your household is far from the numbers that can exist in a true commune. Having three parents she can depend on being there the next day is a WONDERFUL place for a child to be! My guys are planning on buying our kids a Wii for Yule...this has several meanings. On the one hand they are able to plan and buy something AMAZING for our offspring together, but ont he other hand it also means that BOTH of them are planning on being there for Yule. We are planning our next vacation as well as a unit, aren't these the things successful, happy families do?
You let her live in her jealousy and denial and be happy, that's the best revenge you can get on these sorts of busybodies.

LOL If my children ever met her snot nosed brats (yup other people I don't like have brats...it's just nature) they would educate them thoroughly on the joys of having MANY gifts on birthdays and Yule and then beat the piss out of them just for good measure. My little angels are sweetness personified until you talk about their parents. Then they offer the number of a good counselor here in town. They are amazing!
10/20/2010
Unconventional Unconventional
Yeah, I keep having to remind myself to pity her, rather than feel revenge. Definitely not easy, but I KNOW what she lost, even if it was her fault for being a truly horrible person. I can't imagine life without him, and I do feel bad that she lost someone as special as him. Though as I said, she didn't go out of her way to make the relationship work until after years of being atrocious to him.

And that's awesome that you guys get to have holidays together. Last year was the first time we actually got to do that. Christmas last year and Father's day this year. It absolutely makes my day to take pictures of both of my boys with their children, and next year we'll be able to do it with one more kiddo. Family is more important than anything, and all I care about is the happiness and emotional security of my kids. I just wish her spite didn't trump the well-being of her daughter (though I might have said that already).
10/20/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Just as I thought we had all this poly stuff worked out we added a new dynamic to the mix.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters. He had a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest daughter because I was told that because I was diabetic ... More
Can you believe our Monkey is going to celebrate his first birthday on Nov. 24? It's been a year already! Such a life changing experience but one that has brought clarity and some unique challenges. What a year it's been!
10/28/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Can you believe our Monkey is going to celebrate his first birthday on Nov. 24? It's been a year already! Such a life changing experience but one that has brought clarity and some unique challenges. What a year it's been!
I came across your post about that a couple of months ago - what a wonderful gift for Thanksgiving time: the family unifier is born!
10/28/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Can you believe our Monkey is going to celebrate his first birthday on Nov. 24? It's been a year already! Such a life changing experience but one that has brought clarity and some unique challenges. What a year it's been!
A Thanksgiving baby! You guys are going to have such a fun holiday with a one year old. They are just SO enthused about everything about the Season, even if they don't get it. Your girls must be having a ball with the little Monkey. Our youngest was also 11 years after our NEXT youngest, and it was a great lesson in parenting to our older children.

Blessings to Little Monkey.

Airen, are your kids going to dress up for Samhain? What are they going as? Our little one is going to be Wednesday Addams, she is getting SO into black things and skulls and she had her older sister (who now that the "baby" is older, her older siblings can drive which takes a LOT of the constant pressure off me) take her to the store to buy a doll (I actually gave nearly all the dolls, except the "special ones" to Goodwill when our youngest moved into her new bedroom).....and they cut the head off of it for her Wednesday costume!

Have a Blessed Samhain, honey!
10/29/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
A Thanksgiving baby! You guys are going to have such a fun holiday with a one year old. They are just SO enthused about everything about the Season, even if they don't get it. Your girls must be having a ball with the little Monkey. Our youngest ... More
Awww I missed this post before Halloween. Our little Monkey was Batman, His oldest Sister was a devil and his youngest sister was a cat. They both carried bloody daggers...not too sure why but they were happy. He went to a total of four doors before his pumpkin was full and Sigel and I went home. The girls got to wander around the neighborhood for about 30 minutes.

Next year the munchkin is gonna hand out candy unless his sisters take him around the neighborhood.

Blessings of Harvest to you and yours, may the New year find you happier and healthier than last year!
11/05/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Awww I missed this post before Halloween. Our little Monkey was Batman, His oldest Sister was a devil and his youngest sister was a cat. They both carried bloody daggers...not too sure why but they were happy. He went to a total of four doors before ... More
Thank you!

BatBaby!
11/05/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Thank you!

BatBaby!
Don't forget the homicidal older sisters...probably wouldn't have been a problem with villans if the "real" batman had had some homicidal older sisters! At elast that's what they tell him....
11/13/2010
pinkzombie pinkzombie
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Just as I thought we had all this poly stuff worked out we added a new dynamic to the mix.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters. He had a vasectomy after the birth of my youngest daughter because I was told that because I was diabetic ... More
As long as the children are in a loving supporting enviornment all love is fine!
11/13/2010
Lady Neshamah Lady Neshamah
for me, the kids are very much a part of poly. one of my girlfriends has two very cute, little boys. i know that with poly she has more of a support network and the boys have a bigger family to go to. more eyes to help out when they are getting into things.

i love those two little boys just as much as if they are my husband's and mine.
12/08/2010
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